Mum not wanting to see me over Christmas

[WhiteJellycat]

I asked my mum today if she wanted to come up and stay for a few days between Christmas and new year. She had the most bizarre and weak reasons. She said no as she cant stand being cold.

She has never been to my current house as we have recently moved and she has never visited. She is on her own at Christmas. I will go and see her for a day trip instead now. She has no reason to think my house is cold or she will be cold here.

I'm just taken aback for such a bizarre reason. She might as well have said " no I dont like dogs" knowing I dont have a dog. She has form for declaring most of my suggestions impossible. Everything I suggest is "and how will I do that?" For example I offered to take her to her sisters funeral in London, but she said "and how will I get there?" I explained I would drive to her, drive into London then drive her home. I get the standard "how will I do that?" To everything to which I normally make endless suggestions that she poo poo's. She makes out everything is impossible. Once she has said "and how will do that" it isnt a request for suggests, it's a firm no. But said in a way that implies she would if only she could. She never did go to her sisters funeral.

I just gave up today and said shame, I will pop down after Christmas.

How would you take this? I think it's just another way of saying leave me alone? This was so random and off the bat. No "thanks but no thanks" everything has to be impossible.

She doesn’t want to come. People do want they want to do, basically. It’s hard on you but you might as well try to come to terms with it and concentrate on those who do want to be with you.

It does unfortunately sound like she wants to be left alone. Rather than visiting (unless she has invited you), id leave it open. Something like 'let me know if & when you'd like to see me & where'.
Do you have other family to spend Xmas with!

? Meant, not !

Yes I have other family, friends and my kids all more than happy to see me over Christmas.

She would never ever invite me down or say she wants to see me or the kids. I normally ask if we can go down to see her. We used to stay overnight as it's almost 200 miles round trip. But we dont stay over anymore. Since the pandemic started I feel like she has been more avoident. I have in the past said "let me know when your ready to see us again". Which she never did. But at the same time said she had bought the kids lots of Easter eggs and said well they will go off before I see you next. So I had to say look it's up to you, I will come if you want me to collect the eggs.

But this felt like she had had prepaired a lame excuse this time. I might say I will post her presents and to let me know if she would prefer them in person. It shouldn't be this bloody hard with your own mother. I'm second guessing every reason under the sun why.

Could she have anxiety or agoraphobia? The pandemic has affected a lot of peoples mental health re: going out & socialising.
It doesn't sound to me like it's worth pushing to see her if she's not responding well. Perhaps just let her know you care, want to support her/ be in her life & that the ball is in her court now.

Has she always been like that or is it a recent thing? Could be agoraphobia or something?

Could your mum be depressed?

She is out and and about every day shopping on the bus so not agoraphobia.

She has been very reluctant to see us / the kids ( but thinking about it more so the kids) since the pandemic.

I asked her earlier in the year if she wanted to see me in her garden and she said she wouldn't sit outside for anyone.

Then she rebuffed any offers to visit her saying it was against the rules when it wasn't. That's when I said I was leaving it to her to tell me when she was ready.

I could be she doesnt want to see the kids but I'm not sure I want to drive all that way alone.

I guess if she said outright I dont to see you or kids it would hurt but then I could ask why.

I think I need to say now, let me know if you want your presents posting or see us all or see me alone but it will have to be when the kids are back at school

What is your everyday relationship with your mother? She sounds very cold and distant.What was your upbringing like? Did she change over the years or was she always like that?

I’d drop the rope for just now,left her alone(because this is clearly what she wants) and let her get in touch.

How old is she ?

She is pretty toxic. She was abusive. Very badly so to extent I've had councilling. But she was always happy to see us. She has got less tolerant of the kids over the years but the pandemic has made her worse.

I dont want to go NC but if she now no longer wants to see the kids I dont really see the point any more. She of course thinks she was a faultless mum. Said she never hit me etc.

She is getting frail and I'd rather not be doing this. It feels like more mental abuse. But I cant go NC. It's not what's best for me.

All I want is to stay civil and in contact.

I give trying to please her but the guilt is something else.

This feels like the first time she has had a pre prepaired excuse rehearsed but it's so random. She could have said no I cant do that car journey it's too long. This way I'm dissecting, wondering if she is getting dementia etc.

I will tell her the ball is in her court to meet up after Christmas.

Mums should be this hard. Everyone else wants to be together at Christmas

If she has been like this a long time she may have undiagnosed long term depression. I knew someone who had been CV ery negative all the time I'd know her so I thought that was just her. A relative persuaded her to see a doctor and she was given medication. Became a different person. Just a thought.

sorry for you and her awful attitude
she wont change - just accept it op

she is still being abusive and toxic op

Sometimes when people are getting frailer just getting through the day and getting shopping, cooking etc feels like an effort; and they feel happier in their comfort zone ... especially during the pandemic.

Don't go NC; just keep in touch on the phone and leave it at that.

Sorry to hear that it’s so difficult with her. It sounds really frustrating. I think trying to understand people like this makes their actions much harder to take, but I know it’s the natural thing to try and do. It sounds like she’s got a victim/martyr mentality.

My mum is the same OP. She lives 10 minutes away and never wants to see me or the kids- it's always me making all the effort. I usually go to great effort every Christmas to make lunch on Christmas Day and invite everyone round- I can't do this this year and she hasn't suggested seeing me on boxing Day or at any other point. It's like if I can't be useful to her, she's not interested. It's very hurtful. I'm sorry.

You should go and see her regularly, if she is elderly and getting frail. Her lack of enthusiasm does not matter in these circumstances. If you will "honor her wishes" there could be problems accumulating. Keep an eye on her!

Just let her be. It was kind of you to offer, she doesn’t want to come - leave it at that. You don’t have to fix her, you’re already there if she needs you.

When I saw the first bit you'd posted, I thought perhaps your mum might be depressed. Now I've seen where you said she'd been toxic and abusive, I think you've certainly done as much as you can, by the sounds of it. I should just try to enjoy Christmas in your new home with your own family.

Ok, so she wasn't a good parent to you anyway. I know it's very painful but I think you should walk away. You don't have to make a big statement, just go silent and let her make any effort. Sounds like she won't.
I wouldn't want someone like this in my children's lives anyway. I would go back to counselling to help you process this and detach from your mother. You don't deserve to go on being treated badly

How old is your mother OP?

@WhiteJellycat what are you afraid of going NC? It sounds like your mum is still manipulating you and being horribly toxic and now she is detaching, it really might be time to walk away. No big scene required but leave it with her to contact you and stop chasing something that doesn't exist.

I’d stop bothering with her completely and wait for her to come to you or suggest meeting if and when she actually wants to see you. It sounds very hurtful but I think there’s not a lot that can be done.

@WhiteJellycat

She is pretty toxic. She was abusive. Very badly so to extent I've had councilling. But she was always happy to see us. She has got less tolerant of the kids over the years but the pandemic has made her worse.

I dont want to go NC but if she now no longer wants to see the kids I dont really see the point any more. She of course thinks she was a faultless mum. Said she never hit me etc.

She is getting frail and I'd rather not be doing this. It feels like more mental abuse. But I cant go NC. It's not what's best for me.

All I want is to stay civil and in contact.

I give trying to please her but the guilt is something else.

This feels like the first time she has had a pre prepaired excuse rehearsed but it's so random. She could have said no I cant do that car journey it's too long. This way I'm dissecting, wondering if she is getting dementia etc.

I will tell her the ball is in her court to meet up after Christmas.

Mums should be this hard. Everyone else wants to be together at Christmas

I'm sorry for what you have been through I hope the counselling has helped you .

I wounder if your mum had blocked out some of the things she done when you were younger. And as time has passed and she's got older some memories have come back and she feels guilty so is avoiding you. And maybe she is a bit off with you children because it makes her rdfjct on his your childhood was ? (I'm not making excuses for her or saying what happend is ok) I'm just trying to think why her response is odd and why she seems to want to be alone.