Mum not wanting to see me over Christmas

[WhiteJellycat]

I asked my mum today if she wanted to come up and stay for a few days between Christmas and new year. She had the most bizarre and weak reasons. She said no as she cant stand being cold.

She has never been to my current house as we have recently moved and she has never visited. She is on her own at Christmas. I will go and see her for a day trip instead now. She has no reason to think my house is cold or she will be cold here.

I'm just taken aback for such a bizarre reason. She might as well have said " no I dont like dogs" knowing I dont have a dog. She has form for declaring most of my suggestions impossible. Everything I suggest is "and how will I do that?" For example I offered to take her to her sisters funeral in London, but she said "and how will I get there?" I explained I would drive to her, drive into London then drive her home. I get the standard "how will I do that?" To everything to which I normally make endless suggestions that she poo poo's. She makes out everything is impossible. Once she has said "and how will do that" it isnt a request for suggests, it's a firm no. But said in a way that implies she would if only she could. She never did go to her sisters funeral.

I just gave up today and said shame, I will pop down after Christmas.

How would you take this? I think it's just another way of saying leave me alone? This was so random and off the bat. No "thanks but no thanks" everything has to be impossible.

Does your mother have mental health issues? Shutting out people and the world is usually a massive tell tale sign of it as well as the abusive behaviour over the years.

In all honesty, this is just another way of her continuing to be abusive and toxic. Your DM is very good at keeping you on your toes, isn't she?

You invite her, she declines, you make extra effort to see her. And round and round it goes.

Not everyone sees family at Christmas. It sounds like your mum is happy in her own little world and couldn't give 2 shits about anyone else. So leave her to it.

OP my mother is like this. She is toxic abusive and narciccistic. About 7 years ago she started giving rubbish reasons for us not visiting her (we stay in hotel) the year after her mother died. They also didn't have a good relationship. We make a 4-5 hour journey to see her and we'd arranged a weekend with her. She then said she was having the house decorated, no problem we can take her out, various lame objections . She is very anxious and depressed (lifelong) and prides herself on not taking any medication!!! She ended up having an episode where she 'disappeared' for a few days and the Police contacted me to see whether she had visited me (nope) and then did a risk assessment for her being a missing person. Apparently she had been contemplating suicide (not convinced tbh) and was voluntarily psychologically assessed. I told the Police and the MH nurse what I knew. She still continues to poor cold water on any solutions so I leave her to it now. She did become intractable during COVID wanting to buy everything that was not available, not wanting Iceland to deliver etc ( too expensive, large minimum spend) it was grim. I ended up contacting the local support for her, she refused. Nothing is possible, she's a dementor! Go LC/NC

Just say that while she sounds like she has been a poor mother to you, literally all the old ladies in my life have got like this is their late 70s /early 80s. Even nice ones. They're just happy in their own homes, doing things their way. I would honestly be surprised if they weren't like that. It's part of getting old as far as I'm concerned.

The other thing is about the cold. My mother has hypothyroid hashimotos and this makes her sensitive to cold so she might need a test or if already diagnosed up her dose. This can cause cognitive impairment & irrational actions

She is 76 but she has got very frail over lockdown. The frailer she gets the more she cant tolerate the kids.

I know NC is a option for some but I need to do what's best for me too and that's not NC. I prefer chugging alone being civil. We dont have a mother daughter relationship at all. Councilling showed me that we never will. But as long as we can be civil i am happy seeing her every few months.

I ask nothing of her, she offers nothing, she asks after help but refused all suggestions of help. Victim complex suits her perfectly as nothing could ever work. She said she cant change her bed it takes hours. So I suggested a cleaner. You would though I was suggesting getting a pet lion she though the solution was so ludicrous. She might be fishing for me to do it but I would cost me more in petrol.than the cleaners time. That's normally frustrating but it's also fine. I can know she is ok but I dont expect more.

But it does feel more like she getting done and distancing. I dont think she has decades left in her and I dont want to end things on these terms.

Yes she is most certainly still capable of being very abusive but if you wanted to think up a reason to get me off her back for good or just be nasty over a Christmas visit this is a weird reason.

No I want to be in my own space and your kids are noisy or no I'm happier on my own thank you would fit both the abusive and leave me alone vibe.

I do think there is a element of her circle or routine and tolerance shrinking. So that could be it. But if so there is no room for us in her tiny comfort circle.

@flamingo49 it's like pouring water into bucket full of holes isnt it?

@RoastedParsnips

Does your mother have mental health issues? Shutting out people and the world is usually a massive tell tale sign of it as well as the abusive behaviour over the years.

I think my my mum.has got a undiagnosed personality disorder and possibly nuro divergent as well.

She definitely needs to see her gp. But her lifelong gp retired and the new one has told her that the surgery is shit to everyone after covid ( unlikely story but asking her to phone and ask results in "and how can I do that?") Again. I once chased up some tests on her behalf but a year later she said she never got the results.

It might be true that I'm not seeing her as a little old lady who just wants to otter about. She is still a scary terrifying person and I'm still that little child. But we arent either anymore.

I try really hard to shit down her abusive. It's very hard as my abuser is also my mum. I dont look forward to what's coming next

@WhiteJellycat

She is 76 but she has got very frail over lockdown. The frailer she gets the more she cant tolerate the kids.

I know NC is a option for some but I need to do what's best for me too and that's not NC. I prefer chugging alone being civil. We dont have a mother daughter relationship at all. Councilling showed me that we never will. But as long as we can be civil i am happy seeing her every few months.

I ask nothing of her, she offers nothing, she asks after help but refused all suggestions of help. Victim complex suits her perfectly as nothing could ever work. She said she cant change her bed it takes hours. So I suggested a cleaner. You would though I was suggesting getting a pet lion she though the solution was so ludicrous. She might be fishing for me to do it but I would cost me more in petrol.than the cleaners time. That's normally frustrating but it's also fine. I can know she is ok but I dont expect more.

But it does feel more like she getting done and distancing. I dont think she has decades left in her and I dont want to end things on these terms.

Yes she is most certainly still capable of being very abusive but if you wanted to think up a reason to get me off her back for good or just be nasty over a Christmas visit this is a weird reason.

No I want to be in my own space and your kids are noisy or no I'm happier on my own thank you would fit both the abusive and leave me alone vibe.

I do think there is a element of her circle or routine and tolerance shrinking. So that could be it. But if so there is no room for us in her tiny comfort circle.

@flamingo49 it's like pouring water into bucket full of holes isnt it?

Yes it is, that's an excellent analogy. I also think my mum is neurodiverse and has mental health difficulties but she has never acknowledged this or made any effort to get help. She is completely incapable of putting herself in someone else's shoes and seeing the world from anyone elses perspective. It is exhausting, hurtful and sad all at the same time. I also feel so angry towards her, but it is pointless as it will never be resolved.

Possibly long term depression and anxiety disorder.

My grandmother suffered immensely with it and had to be hospitalized a few times.

I was the lucky one who has it.

My DD was judgemental towards me for my periods of isolation until she had a bad bought of SAD.

She rang me up and apologised. I was shocked. I just told her apology accepted don't worry about it. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.

Many many people have mental health issues and are ND. The sympathy only seems to last during childhood. When you're an adult, you're supposed to suck it up and get over it as you're making others uncomfortable.

@RantyAunty

Possibly long term depression and anxiety disorder.

My grandmother suffered immensely with it and had to be hospitalized a few times.

I was the lucky one who has it.

My DD was judgemental towards me for my periods of isolation until she had a bad bought of SAD.

She rang me up and apologised. I was shocked. I just told her apology accepted don't worry about it. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.

Many many people have mental health issues and are ND. The sympathy only seems to last during childhood. When you're an adult, you're supposed to suck it up and get over it as you're making others uncomfortable.

This. Totally this.

I'm sorry, OP.

I found this one out the hard way - but when I realised that, like the abuse (that never ever happened, apparently - she was a 'born mother' according to her), she just didn't love or like me enough to be able to pretend anymore, whilst it was sad and a bit lonely, it was ultimately freeing, as I wasn't holding on for any crumbs anymore.

You have other people who love and want you in their lives. They appreciate you and see you as having all the value and worth. Embrace their warmth and it'll help ease the pain of the rejection you've experienced throughout your life from such an emotionally stunted individual.

@RantyAunty

Possibly long term depression and anxiety disorder.

My grandmother suffered immensely with it and had to be hospitalized a few times.

I was the lucky one who has it.

My DD was judgemental towards me for my periods of isolation until she had a bad bought of SAD.

She rang me up and apologised. I was shocked. I just told her apology accepted don't worry about it. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.

Many many people have mental health issues and are ND. The sympathy only seems to last during childhood. When you're an adult, you're supposed to suck it up and get over it as you're making others uncomfortable.

No one is saying that it it's not hard to have mental health difficulties or be neuro diverse. But as a parent, I think it's your responsibility to do everything you can to get help and treatment for your difficulties, so that your are able to parent your children appropriately.

I have four kids and three are neuro diverse but my mum once declared to mil "well they dont get from my side of the family!" That's when it clicked. It was just about the least socaily acceptable thing on earth to say. But I'm not going to ever broach that subject. What is really sad on that front is that it's never occured to anyone. I dont even know if mum.is ND but again who wants to accommodate a narcissist or sociopath for example? That would trump there needs as a ND person. No one wants to please a sociopath.so in a way if she is ND it doesnt excuse what she did to me as a child. ND and being a arsehole atent mutually exclusive.

@Flamingo49 have you had councilling? Its life changing but at the same very painful. It shut down all hope for things to change so good closure.

It doesnt help with the guilt that I could do more but I know I cant save her or me.

Didnt think we would ever get to the point where she goes NC with me. But maybe that's where this going? I think I'm.going to give her the options then let her choose when or if she sees me

OP I don't know how old your mum is but if 3/4 of your children are ND, it is very likely your mum may be too!

It hasn't even been that recent that ASD/ADHD etc. has been looked at seriously in girls/women. Many have gone undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

I wouldn't even begin to know what treatments there are for adult ND? I take medication and have had CBT and behaviour modification but that's just me.

I hope you ended up having a nice holiday.

Tbh it sounds like some anxiety, overthinking or maybe even agoraphobia. Maybe offer to talk about why she's struggling with planning and carrying out the plan, might help. Maybe she doesn't want you to worry. Enjoy your day regardless and a quick call if it makes you feel better.

I spoke to her yesterday and didnt mention seeing her. She seemed a lot more happy so didnt want to mention it. I might leave that subject for another day

so sorry - i have a similar situation and it hurts like hell when you see other people's families clamouring to be with each other over the Christmas period. I have basically distanced myself and would never invite or put myself out any more and i never expect anything - its easier that way. her behaviour is not about you - she has issues and all you can do is live your best life - pouring energy into those that appreciate it!

It's a zombie thread. Look at the date on it.