Any regrets after separating?

[Nostrings457]

I have been with DH for 10 years. 3 youngish DC. He works away mon to Fri on occasions and we have drifted apart but not unsalvageable, need to improve on communication etc if we both make the effort.

Recently though, he has been going out with friends, either weekly or fortnight and doesn’t come home until 6/8/10am. I know where he is as it’s mutual friends but to me it’s totally disrespectful. We have had serious sit down conversations about this and he has promised to change but hasn’t. He was due home today from working away and get the Xmas food shop in, he has instead chose to stay working away and go on a works night out coming home on Xmas eve with minimal communication. Other stuff… doesn’t do fair share around the house or with the kids etc…

I am really on the brink of ending our marriage. It makes me feel like a failure and feel devastated for the children, sure they would be okay in the long term but hate the thought of them being brought up without us both together. Aside from that, I do love him but his behaviour is becoming intolerable and having a negative impact on my well-being.

My large group of friends have never separated from partners, I don’t actually know many people who have which may be unusual.

Feeling totally lost, gut is telling me to end it as I deserve better but don’t know if I would regret it and interested to hear how separation went for you.

So he isn't there mon- Friday and when he is home at weekends he goes out without you and only comes back the following morning.

Have I got this right?

Regret is a natural part of the grieving process when something ends - regardless of whether it was a good something or bad something - it's not a reason to make or not make a decision.

If you're alive, you'll experience regret. It is a normal part of being human and how we process our experiences. Going through life making decisions on the basis of trying to avoid experiencing regret is a recipe for damaging decisions.

Even if he was some evil monster, you would still experience regret and grief after separating. Because you're human!

What is it that's tipped you to the point of wanting to exit the relationship? Was there a trigger for his behaviour to change/deteriorate? Have you discussed any of this with him?

Rather than focusing on what you want to avoid (regret/grief), what do you want to achieve?

@animood unfortunately yes.

@user15364596354862 thank you for that perspective. It’s been on my mind for a while and now not being here Christmas Eve morning, leaving me to go food shopping with 3 kids. It’s just a build up of a complete lack of respect. On Sunday he went for ‘a pint’ unplanned, I sent a few angry texts because he was going working away Monday, there was school uniforms, present wrapping, kids baths to do but he just turned his phone off and I thought WTAF. No specific trigger really, he used to do it infrequently but it’s another level now. Have discussed it with him, he knows my thoughts, marriage is at risk but I’m not sure if he’s taking me seriously because I’ve put up with it.

I want to achieve a happy life, where I’m not constantly feeling let down and disappointed. I want my kids to have the best version of me not the me who is angry with him and then being snappy with them because I feel stressed. I want his family to be a priority but I am not in control of that. Before going out relationship we were friends, would be out drinking together (all night) but obviously I have changed 10 years down the line as my kids, family career are priority over social life.

@Animood and he most recently said he hadn’t seen his friends (for nearly 2 weeks) while I’m here working full time, 3 kids, managing the house. Ridiculous isn’t it, I feel ashamed that I have let my standards drop to this and put up with it

Reminds me of the old proverb about marriage:

The problem with marriage is that women expect men to change (they don’t ) while men expect women to stay the same (they don’t)

Sorry OP

Please don't feel ashamed, it's no one's fault but his. What I would say is just because you are getting close to your breaking point it doesn't mean he is feeling the same if he us protected from all of the stress you are experiencing due to his neglect. No matter how much you explain this to him.

Right now it is a couple of days until Christmas so give yourself this time to just focus on that as he seems just the average selfish bloke rather than massively abusive.

After New year when the Christmas stress has died down you need to give yourself some time to reflect. Sadly, the chances are until you very clearly say you need to chat, this isn't working for you, you need a partner who does x,y,z and mean it he probably won't do anything. He may not anyway.

Plus, a lack of consistent and prolonged couple time together is going to being taken it's toll. This is something that could be worked on but only if you BOTH wanted to.

Don't waste your life being unappreciated and check there isn't someone else. Good luck.

He sounds like he's checked out of your relationship and fatherhood.

I find it quite shocking that he regularly stays out drinking with friends until the following morning. Even if he goes out with them for an evening, why does he regularly need to be with them overnight? Do they take drugs? Are they out getting shit-faced? Are they out on the pull? It sounds like he's behaving like he's single. If he's away during the week, then family time at weekends should be sacrosanct.

You don't know how happy or unhappy other people's relationships are but, based on what you've described of your relationship, leaving it would be a reasonable thing to do. Some of the most functional families I know are divorced parents who co-parent sensibly and constructively and some of the most sorted children I know come from divorced parents who co-parented sensibly and constructively. Divorce doesn't have to be awful for the children and it is not a failure. Sometimes it's better for all involved.

I have been separated for 9 months after a 20+ year marriage. None of my main large group of friends are divorced / separated and I couldn’t give two shits frankly. My marriage ended for other reasons but what you are putting up with is beyond intolerable. My marriage therapist spoke so much about being a team and prioritising you’re marriage above everything. When that doesn’t happen … it’s just not worth it. Good luck @Nostrings457. You’re worth more than that.

*your.

So no regrets though I am sad that this is where we ended up and sad for my kids that they don’t have us together etc. But this time last year was way worse.

Honestly op he's leading a double life only his family life is on the side burner and his main focus is himself I would suspect he is getting up allsorts drugs women etc the complete contempt for you and your dc is telling especially at Christmas. Your lives will be a lot more calmer and happier if you separate and carve your life for you and your dc.

You got to ask yourself where do you see yourself in the next 5 years with him putting up with the same shit or a happy environment with you and the kids

He is disrespecting you and your family wtf? There are no boundaries and consequences so he will just carry on regardless behaving like an 18 year old. Is this the life you want to continue? Because he will never change.

My XH working away was the catalyst for my divorce. I realised that I coped perfectly well without him here for several weeks at a time and then when he came back I was just perpetually disappointed.

You know you can be a single mum as you’re already doing it most of the time. The only difference would be that on his weekends he’d have to spend some actual time with his DCs while you have a bit of time to yourself. Doesn’t sound like failure to me!

You don’t get an award for staying married when you’re not happy. I also didn’t know anyone else who’d got divorced in my friends or family group. Didn’t stop them all being very supportive of me.

FWIW XH and I get on much better these days - the frustration at being let down made me so angry but now I have no expectations of him, he actually works abroad now, so any time he is available is a bonus and I’m in my stride as a lone parent, with him paying a decent chunk of maintenance.

It has meant that my ‘career’ has been very much limited to things I can do around the DCs but if you’re already established in work and can continue to do the same thing you’ll be fine.

Life is too short to stick it out in a crappy situation. You can’t change him, all you can do is to make it absolutely clear where you stand on this and if he doesn’t make a change himself then the consequence is that you split.

I was unhappy for several years. Agonised over leaving for about 2. Went to couples counselling where it became increasingly obvious that my disappointment wasn't going to improve. Nothing offensive from him, just constant incompetence and lack of teamwork - with me doing everything domestically and largely everything financially. It took me so long thinking that by the time I split with him, I didn't look back. Not once. I haven't regretted it for a moment. My main worry was the Dc. They have been fine. My local women friends are all with partners. Tbh sometimes I think they have moment of feeling envious at my relative freedom from all the irritations they experience! So to answer you Lr question. In my case - no regrets. The hardest thing was the decision and the planning/logistics of how I was going to manoeuvre through the awful situation.

I want to achieve a happy life, where I’m not constantly feeling let down and disappointed. I want my kids to have the best version of me not the me who is angry with him and then being snappy with them because I feel stressed. I want his family to be a priority but I am not in control of that. Before going out relationship we were friends, would be out drinking together (all night) but obviously I have changed 10 years down the line as my kids, family career are priority over social life.

Those are clear, reasonable and focused goals. I'm not sure that you are as lost as you feel. You don't sound so lost anymore outlining this.

Maybe it's a case of winding back from trying to visualise the entire way forward all at once, to just considering and taking one step at a time towards where you'd like to reach? Big / scary changes or challenges tend to be more manageable that way, and it allows time for the more difficult emotions to work their way out of your system.

Please try not to feel ashamed though whatever you do next - you don't deserve to have shame eating away at you.

I couldn't live with someone who treated me like that. My ex worked but didnt help with home and kids and would come and go as he pleased. Tacking on going out to his work trips. He wasn't really present when at home either. He was also jealous and financially abusive.

I don't live with my boyfriend but early on in our relationship I was feeling frustrated about him not pulling his weight. He took it on board and it hasn't been a problem since.

I always wonder how men can watch their loved one struggling, doing so much, whilst they sit back and do nothing. I couldn't watch another human and not want to help, never mind the person I love.

Update - we’ve had a serious talk this morning. I’ve laid out my concerns anout his behaviour and expectations if we were to stay together. His response is that we no longer get on, my feeling that it is impossible to because I am on an emotional rollercoaster of looking forward to better times because of his promises but am constantly disappointed. He basically had very little else to say, I’ve said it’s over and there was no fight in him.
I got upset out went out for a while. Came home and he said he’ll make lunch. So now we’re in this limbo, I don’t know how to progress with him leaving, where he’ll go etc… I feel so heartbroken that this is how our story is ending but know it’s the right thing to do. Deep down I love him so much and would give it another go in a heartbeat if he would be the man I and the kids needed him to be. . . But I’m not that naive.

I can’t bare the thought of telling my family. I am private and haven’t ever spoken about how our difficulties so it’s going to come as a shock. (They think he is wonderful and we are a perfect match).

DC6 has just shouted the dog in to the living room and said yaaay the whole family is here. She often does that but it hurt knowing this is the end for us and the upset they are going to go through.

Thank you for all the kind / helpful responses. I haven’t confided with anyone in RL and this thread has been a big help.

His reaction says it all OP. He will never be what you desire and waking up to that reality is difficult. You are freeing yourself from a miserable relationship and deep down you know its the right decision for your future.

You just need to plan for your separation. You need to discuss when he's leaving, what you will do with the house, arrangements for time with the children.Would be good to tell your family now you have made the decision so they can support you. You don't have to tell them great detail. Get some legal advice on entitlements etc.

There are a lot of good books which give advice on telling the children when you are ready. Children are very resilient.

Photocopy all your important documents re finances etc. Things can get nasty with some people when it comes to money, but hopefully you both can agree things amicably.

I’m always on the side of try and save the marriage. I didn’t and regret it deeply. But reading your posts op I don’t think your husband is being a good husband or father so your children aren’t actually losing much there. Clearly, you are the important one to them and therefore you have to look after yourself so you can be the best for them.

I would tell your family and have their support for the rough weeks to follow but you know what, I think your children will adjust to this separation better than if they were seeing a bonded family split. I don’t think they will have that feeling of loss because of your husband constantly looking for escape.

What is good here is that you’ve recognised this marriage for what it is and are putting your children first to make a better life for them.

That was really courageous. I hope you are being kind to yourself tonight. You don't have to tackle all of the steps at once - you took a big step today.

Thanks all.

@Beachlovingirl I have always been on the side of save the marriage too. Despite how I felt earlier and said what I said. Panic has set it and I am questioning whether I am making the right decision, trawling through online posts about people regretting separation / divorce. If I said let’s try counselling / try again he probably would go with it but it would probably prolong the agony.

The kids will be devastated even though we’re not that bonded family. They have never known anything different than him working away, love seeing him come home etc… I’ve shielded them from a lot (but no doubt not all).

My main concerns

• long lasting damage to the kids not having both parents
• losing him as a friend (albeit a shitty one recently but we were friends for years before relationship)
• having the responsibility of a single parent, no one to share the difficulties with, off load to
• not having someone there that knows me inside out
• stigma, this is for cultural reasons
• despite all the upset he has caused me, just generally not having him in my life

I’m sure all of these are completely normal but it’s what’s playing on my mind so bad

@Nostrings457 to be honest you sound like an amazing wife and mother You’re really giving this the thought a decision like this should have.

It sounds like you’re not ready to throw in the towel but if everything stays the same then nothing can change. Giving it another go sounds like it would not work. The counselling however sounds like something to try. You are going to have to drive this change in him.

Perhaps your husband has something going on mentally that means he’s just thinking he’s a shit dad and husband anyway so just accepts that and kind of is that. Why isn’t he fighting for his family - there has to be a reason

If you can uncover the issues with your husband / marriage that’s great. But if that quest for digging deeper into this is growing arms and legs and you’re just putting up with shit then that’s not ok. Not ok for you and the kids.

Op also sorry my post suggests I think your husband is a shit dad but that’s not it - more that he doesn’t understand the impacts of his staying out behaviour. Working away is one thing that can’t be helped but the out drinking / staying out is different as he’s choosing not to be there.

He sounds like my ex-husband who was spiralling into coke addiction; the kids and I were just an inconvenience towards the end and he had nothing but contempt for me (feeling was mutual). My only regret is not ending things sooner.

He has checked out of your relationship. What is he doing until 6/8/10 am in the morning???? Be brave and stick to your guns x