Any regrets after separating?

[Nostrings457]

I have been with DH for 10 years. 3 youngish DC. He works away mon to Fri on occasions and we have drifted apart but not unsalvageable, need to improve on communication etc if we both make the effort.

Recently though, he has been going out with friends, either weekly or fortnight and doesn’t come home until 6/8/10am. I know where he is as it’s mutual friends but to me it’s totally disrespectful. We have had serious sit down conversations about this and he has promised to change but hasn’t. He was due home today from working away and get the Xmas food shop in, he has instead chose to stay working away and go on a works night out coming home on Xmas eve with minimal communication. Other stuff… doesn’t do fair share around the house or with the kids etc…

I am really on the brink of ending our marriage. It makes me feel like a failure and feel devastated for the children, sure they would be okay in the long term but hate the thought of them being brought up without us both together. Aside from that, I do love him but his behaviour is becoming intolerable and having a negative impact on my well-being.

My large group of friends have never separated from partners, I don’t actually know many people who have which may be unusual.

Feeling totally lost, gut is telling me to end it as I deserve better but don’t know if I would regret it and interested to hear how separation went for you.

@Beachlovingirl thank you so much .

We made some progress, talked & listened he’s stressed++, doesn’t see from my side so I proposed counselling. He said he does want to make it work. But has since gone out on Tuesday afternoon and not returned home so far, with 2 texts in the whole time. I don’t think there’s any going back for me now, so hard to face up to. I just want it to be 6 months down the line so I don’t have to face what’s coming and experience the loss.

He’s been out since Tuesday afternoon?? Where? What about clean clothes? He’s seeing someone else right? No friends would put up with this surely? Text him and say it’s Xmas holidays you should be with your kids. This is disgusting behaviour. You’re not welcome back home. Then keep the doors locked. What a prick

Oh, OP. I kind of admire your tenacity, but - forget the counselling. He's in the wind. Look forward to your new life.

He seems so blasé about it ending. Any chance of there being an OW? I don't doubt he's out with mutual friends a lot of the time but that would be a good smokescreen for him spending time elsewhere too.
Either way, he's treating you and the family with so much disrespect: it's not a relationship model you would want your children to emulate so you are most definitely doing the right thing by leaving him and his sad antics behind.

Usually I know who he is with bit this time I don’t. @LetHimHaveIt - I agree, counselling won’t fix the disrespect I have experienced and it’s been torturous wondering / waiting for him to come home.
@moremoony I’ve have text him along those lines. Won’t lock the door because I want him to come in, take his stuff and go. I’ll ho out with DC when that happens because I can’t bare to look at his sorry face

My main concerns

• long lasting damage to the kids not having both parents- THEY DONT HAVE BOTH PARENTS NOW ANYWAY AND ARE ALREADY BEING DAMAGED
• losing him as a friend (albeit a shitty one recently but we were friends for years before relationship) HE ISNT YOUR FRIEND- FRIENDS DONT TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE SHIT
• having the responsibility of a single parent, no one to share the difficulties with, off load to _YOU DONT SHARE THE LOAD
• not having someone there that knows me inside out- YOU DONT SEE THIS MAN- HE DOESNT KNOW YOU AND ISNT INTERESTED
• despite all the upset he has caused me, just generally not having him in my life- WELL TIME TO RAISE YOUR STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS- YOUR CHILDREN ARE BEING TREATED JUST AS APPALLINGLY BY THIS MAN

There is nothing positive this man brings to your or your DC lives, he acts like a single man.

Thank you @hairymorag. Love is blind. If I was giving advice to a friend in my situation it would be get rid. I need to be courageous and stop putting up with this

You are doing the right thing. Your children will be fine. They won't lose him as a Dad - he will still be as much their Dad even when you divorice (although I would question how much of a Dad he really is).

He isn't acting like a friend to you now. He is treating you with disdain and disrespect. He is acting like an immature single man. He leaves you to sort out life / house / children while he does what he wants, despite knowing this causes work and upset for you.

You are coping on your own now. Once you are separated, you will at least have one less person to look after, and less resentment, and less feeling unloved and disprected. Life will be better without him. He's a dead weight at the moment.

He may 'know you inside out' - but he doesn't care does he? Even now, with his marriage on the line, he can't be bothered to make an effort for more than a day. He is showing you where you sit in his priorities. He literally doesn't care.

I worried about stigma when I divorced. It turned out that the people who loved me supported me 100%. People who don't know you well, and people who care more about tradition and obligation aren't worth listening to. Anyone who loves you will want you to be happy and well.

Stay strong. You deserve so much better than the dregs this man is willing to throw you.

Thank you @layladomino the kindness of people on here is making me cry

Five years ago my x husband and I separated after 28 years and went on to divorce. I was devastated and felt we were worth fighting for. My ex had checked out and it took me a long time to see the impact that had had on my self worth. I am not young but I did meet someone wonderful and I am so happy now. Divorce is horrible but there is a better life for you on the other side. I wish you strength as the next few months will be so hard . You will survive and be glad you left I’m sure of it. X

@Timetoretiretospain thank you. Glad you found happiness after the difficulty of divorce. My DH was my first love, even my first boyfriend. I have always said if I didn’t meet him I think I would have been forever single. I can’t imagine being with anyone else ever, that may change in time but I am more than happy for all my love and attention to go to my DC for now