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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is a marriage help a bad Christmas gift?

63 replies

onoanon · 23/12/2021 16:45

For some context:
DH and I have been having a rough time the last 2 months. To spare all the details, we are at a point where we’re having a hard time forgiving eachother for things, but also know we want to still try to work it out. I’m the one that’s having the hardest time, and for good reasons, but I have been working on it.

Anyways, I noticed last night in the Christmas stocking stuffer pile, there was a book with a bow and my name on it.
“9 steps to heal your resentment and heal your marriage”.

It should have had a giant card on it too that said “merry Christmas, here’s a book to fix your problem”, that would have really drove the point home. 🙄
I immediately got so angry, but then just felt like crying.
I got him some gifts centered around us, like a fun conversation game, and a box of date night ideas. I thought this was more appropriate. But a book like that?
This isn’t even about being ungrateful (we never do anything big for eachother on Christmas, it’s for the kids, I know everything else he’s gotten me already and vice versa), it’s the THOUGHT behind it. To me, there’s nothing sweet about it, he’s going to give me a book where he’s basically telling me I’m too resentful and here’s how to fix it (how about don’t lie about things and I won’t be?).
I just feel like there could have been gentler ways to get the point across, like the way I put thought into the things I got.
Am I being too knit picky?
I think I just wanted one day to not remind us of the shit going on..

OP posts:
sageandbasil · 23/12/2021 16:46

Wow YANBU. That's a really shitty hurtful gift

Mumof3confused · 23/12/2021 16:47

Perhaps he intends for you to read it together? I think it does show he is committed to your marriage and willing to work on it, but it would be nice if he had presented that separately and got you something else as a Christmas gift.

PaterPower · 23/12/2021 16:49

Nope, that’s a super dickish move from him.

Fallagain · 23/12/2021 17:05

@Mumof3confused

Perhaps he intends for you to read it together? I think it does show he is committed to your marriage and willing to work on it, but it would be nice if he had presented that separately and got you something else as a Christmas gift.
If he is also committing to working in your marriage then I think it’s actually a really good heart felt gift.
GoodnightGrandma · 23/12/2021 17:06

Get him a divorce.

Fetchthevet · 23/12/2021 17:10

What an arsehole.

AndARiverBeneathYourFeet · 23/12/2021 17:13
Shock

Hideous. To get therapy - in general a good idea. To get a self-help book for Christmas - that's arseholey.

TooWicked · 23/12/2021 17:14

Twat.

Buy him a copy of How to Stop Lying: The Ultimate Cure Guide for Pathological Liars and Compulsive Liars, by Caesar Lincoln

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2021 17:19

He’s a knob
Get a divorce for Christmas

user15364596354862 · 23/12/2021 17:23

I think I would have been hurt by that. Maybe the title of the book doesn't match the message he intended? Like the book has a punchy marketing-designed title but he found it by reading recommendations for genuinely effective books rather than because of the title? That's the most sympathetic analysis I can come up with.

If he actually bought it because of the title then that is a pretty dick move.

Mumof3confused · 23/12/2021 17:24

I’ve bought my husband a high pressure water dental flosser thingy Grin. It’s genuinely something I thought he might like but now I am doubting myself.

onoanon · 23/12/2021 19:09

@user15364596354862 he most definitely bought it because of the title.

OP posts:
onoanon · 23/12/2021 19:10

@Mumof3confused I think a flosser is a great gift. I always get him basic essentials for Christmas- toothbrushes, deodorant, the cologne he likes, etc.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 23/12/2021 19:11

You need to be talking to him if you want to mend your relationship- not strangers on the internet.

SueGeneris · 23/12/2021 19:17

It doesn’t come across well but perhaps he meant well.

I got my DH a copy of the Kama Sutra for our first wedding anniversary which he was v hurt by - he took it as an indirect way of saying ‘you’re crap in bed, here’s a manual.’ But I’d seen it as a romantic gift.

siennna · 23/12/2021 19:17

OK I know what you mean OP, I would be hurt too. But if your DH is generally thoughtful, I do think he may have got it with good intentions and was going to give it to you alongside an explanation of how he really wants to work things out and this book stands for his commitment to the journey too and you will both take ideas from it etc etc. I'd wait and see how he presents it.

VioletVesper · 23/12/2021 19:23

It might have been well intended to show he wants to make things work. Only you know your husband OP. If you take a step back & put the hurt to one side, what do you think?

thedarkling · 23/12/2021 19:46

@GoodnightGrandma

Get him a divorce.
Well yes, this
RobotValkyrie · 23/12/2021 20:09

Sounds about as "thoughtful" as gifting your partner a book about dieting: "look, here's what's wrong with you, I've done my share by pointing it out, now you go and do all the hard work of making it happen, then I can claim it was all my idea"

PoshPyjamas · 23/12/2021 21:35

Are you expected to open that in front of the kids?

sunnyzweibrucken · 23/12/2021 21:48

Yikes. Shock I think receiving that as a gift would make me even more resentful.
He could’ve saved that for a different Time.

onoanon · 23/12/2021 23:54

@PoshPyjamas in front of a two year old, yeah. Assuming we open presents from eachother in the morning. My 14 year old will be at her dads this year and I don’t think we’ll wait to open everything till she gets home since it won’t be till 5.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 24/12/2021 03:07

If we’d been having a shit time in our marriage and my DH actually thought to buy a book to try and help? I’d probably keel over, but I don’t think I’d be offended? I’d think he was….trying to help? However, if the sentiment was “this is all YOUR fault”…..I’d think again!

Momijin · 24/12/2021 03:12

I don't know, I would see it as helpful and something to both read together. Your gifts sound lovely though. Maybe wait to see what he says about the book and his intention behind it?

spotsbeforetheeyes · 24/12/2021 03:13

You need to be talking to him if you want to mend your relationship- not strangers on the internet.

May as well shut down AIBU and much of Mumsnet then.

Sometimes it helps to have the objective opinions of strangers before you go in guns blazing. In this case, OP is NBU!