Is a marriage help a bad Christmas gift?

[onoanon]

For some context:
DH and I have been having a rough time the last 2 months. To spare all the details, we are at a point where we’re having a hard time forgiving eachother for things, but also know we want to still try to work it out. I’m the one that’s having the hardest time, and for good reasons, but I have been working on it.

Anyways, I noticed last night in the Christmas stocking stuffer pile, there was a book with a bow and my name on it.
“9 steps to heal your resentment and heal your marriage”.

It should have had a giant card on it too that said “merry Christmas, here’s a book to fix your problem”, that would have really drove the point home. 🙄
I immediately got so angry, but then just felt like crying.
I got him some gifts centered around us, like a fun conversation game, and a box of date night ideas. I thought this was more appropriate. But a book like that?
This isn’t even about being ungrateful (we never do anything big for eachother on Christmas, it’s for the kids, I know everything else he’s gotten me already and vice versa), it’s the THOUGHT behind it. To me, there’s nothing sweet about it, he’s going to give me a book where he’s basically telling me I’m too resentful and here’s how to fix it (how about don’t lie about things and I won’t be?).
I just feel like there could have been gentler ways to get the point across, like the way I put thought into the things I got.
Am I being too knit picky?
I think I just wanted one day to not remind us of the shit going on..

When someone refuses to go to relationship counselling, it's because they do not want to make any effort to save the marriage - it's all on your shoulders.

That means your needs and desires are now irrelevant - he doesn't care about them at all or you would be having joint counselling. It is thus impossible for you to be happy in this marriage, so all that remains is for you to decide how much longer you wish to continue being unhappy.

I would have been tempted to buy him a dildo for Christmas and enjoy watching his embarrassment as he unwrapped it.

Do you find him attractive OP? I get the impression that you are staying in the marriage for security rather than love.

Well, figured I’d post an update here.
I did read a little of the book, and sat there laughing by myself at the fact that if anyone needed to read that book, it’s him.
He had bought one for himself as well, but I realized it was for show more than anything considering the bookmark has been on the same page now for the last 3 weeks.
We’ve tried to be more kind to eachother, but he’s starting to get frustrated again with there being little intimacy. I don’t know how to explain to him that I’m just not comfortable right now, and would prefer him to get an STI test- I’ll be booking one for myself this week though I doubt anything will show up as we haven’t been intimate in almost 11 months now.
One of the last fights we had was right after New Years. I told him I was having a hard time believing he’d gone to the hotels by himself- he spun it around on me and said he’s not convinced I didn’t have someone in town either (my EA was strictly online, the man lives in Canada, and we weren’t even sexual, I put a stop to that as soon as things got too flirty).
Something that’s really bothered me is how many times I’ve offered to be transparent with him, tried handing my phone over, etc. he refuses and says I’ve probably already cleared everything.
I think that’s his way of getting out of me expecting the same for him.
I went back in his browser history about a week ago, and one of the last times he booked a hotel, not only was he searching storage units in the area (something we’d never discussed needing), he also was looking up shemale/tranny escorts in the area (hence the sti testing). I haven’t confronted him on this and I’m not even sure how.
He’s accused me of going digging for things to be mad at, and I know by bringing this up, it’ll just cause more.

Today I feel sad and defeated. He’s the breadwinner, there’s no way I could support myself and two kids on my own, and I’m starting to realize why exactly I haven’t left.

I’m so sorry you are feeling trapped. He sounds so awful.

That sounds horrendous op.

Surely there must be some way to leave, you are married so are entitled to monies.

You sound as though he is making your skin crawl, you can't believe a word he says anymore.

He really does sound awful.

We bought a house together, but he pays for it, I could never afford it on my own.
I make about 25k a year, and pay the bills/car payment. I’d never be able to financially afford to live on my own with 2 kids without completely disrupting their lives-my oldest just started her first year of high school and for the first time actually loves being there and has some good friends.
At this point, the only thing keeping me here is the stability I have, and my kids having everything they need. Despite the shit we’re going through, we’ve always kept it together in front of them both- he’s actually an amazing dad and I do commend him for the way he behaves even when things are how they are with us.

I hate that this is the situation we’re in. I feel like a fucking failure right now.

I should stop snooping, but since finding out he was looking into the shemale/tranny escorts last April, I can’t help it. I’ve noticed he’s stopped using his credit card since I confronted him about the hotels- I’m guessing he got a new one. He’s also regularly deleting all his emails and clearing them from the trash. But I did notice he purchased another sex toy in November- I wouldn’t have even questioned it because we had been doing a lot of online Christmas shopping then too- but I saw in his history that he opened a purchase confirmation email and had gone in his trash folder, so he’s definitely clearing them out.
He says he can’t use them in the house because there’s no time, which is why he got the hotels, but to my knowledge based on credit card purchases and him, he hasn’t been to a hotel since last April.
It makes me wonder if he is renting a storage unit for that but I can’t find anything on it.

Book a solicitor appointment to find out about finances etc.

All marital assets would be split including pensions and savings you would likely get more than 50% as the lower earner with DC to house.

You would get child maintenance.

It doesn't matter who paid the mortgage if you are in the UK and you are married.

@RandomMess I’m in the US

I hope I'm wrong but I wonder if he's having some kind of crisis related to his sexuality. He sounds torn between sleeping with you which maintains this image in his mind of who he is and who is acceptable and the porn hotels etc which on some level he feels shame about hence projecting the blame on to you. He sounds incredibly consumed by all of this and I can't imagine things improving until he takes a very hard look at who he is, counselling would probably be terrifying for him because he would have to do that kind of introspection and many people spend their lives running from themselves and bringing everyone else down with them.

I don't know where you can go from here, I think looking at finances if you left would be useful regardless. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who was treating like he is to you but I understand that it wouldn't be easy to leave. I can't see things getting better. What would it take for you to leave? What would you need to find?

@onoanon

😭

@Colourmeclear
I think, for me to leave, I’d need to know that I had somewhere safe to stay for me and the kids that wouldn’t disrupt their lives too much.
Knowing financially that I’d be able to to support them.
I know it’s awful that that’s what’s holding me back, because I do love my home. He wouldn’t let me have it though, he would want to sell. I wouldn’t be able to afford it anyways. Maybe with getting child support but even then, I know it’d be tight.
I have a good job doing something I love, that I went to school for, but it doesn’t pay that well. He was always okay with that because I was doing what I love.

Definitely get some legal advice re finances. He would have to help support you.

As for the escorts, that only raises more suspicion that he wasn’t alone in his hotel room. A storage unit, now that would be quite something. Deleting emails and history - very dodgy. Nobody does that if they’ve nothing to hide.

Imagine how freeing it would be to not have to think or worry about what he’s up to. Just focussing on you and the kids and not walking on eggshells.