Have you stayed together for the children? How has it worked out?

[marshmallowsarenice]

Am at a bit of a crossroads with DH. The main thing that's making me stay is the thought of splitting up the family is completely breaking my heart. Things not bad with DH 100% of the time but it's pretty miserable at the moment. Can't seem to be brave enough to make the decision. Don't know if its the right decision. Might not be able to reply straight away.

You're proposing to stay for yourself not the children though.

Few things are 100% bad 100% of the time. That doesn't make them ok.

I know it would devastate the kids, especially DS. I can't see how I can justify doing that.

I think this question is asked by many of themselves. To a degree it depends upon who you are and what has brought you to this thought. I had one friend who would say, "anything I don't like I'm off".

I have been betrayed but am still here. For me its a case of - I have children who will suffer, who have no choice in this decision but the relationship to OH is depressingly poor. I have made myself a promise that my day will come - I still don't know if I can break people apart but it comes back to me that someone else has put us here and risked everything.
Nobody can answer this question for you. Its the sum of all parts. If that's negative, go. if its positive think very carefully what you will sacrifice because once done it cant be undone. Good luck

We ended up divorced. We should have divided earlier, for the sake of the kids.

My mum and dad stayed together for us. They only actually had a fairly de ent marriage in the last 10 years. I am nearly 40 and the youngest.

Mum passed away a few weeks ago. I am glad they had a few good years. But I wonder if they would gave both had better lives for longer, had they not stayed together for us.

Alot of it was pretty miserable and left nothing me and dbro with issues.

Kids always pick up on these things, even when the adults insist they don't.

I have known 3 couples who did this (inc. DW's parents). In all three cases I think it was a mistake and all parties would have been happier if they had split up sooner. MIL in fact has said this to me.

My dbro and his ex stayed together for about 6 years for the sake of their child. Total waste of time - they finally did separate, but all that was achieved was their dc having to live a miserable existence with them for 6 years longer than they needed to and now has counselling. Indeed, dbro and ex also wasted years of their lives when they could have split and been happier, sooner, apart. It's horrible for children to live in a home where the parents don't want to be together - and no matter what a good show you think you can put on, they know.

Well, I wish that I had stayed because life was more stressful as a single parent.lonely and poor and struggling. I can't think that was better for the children even though they saw their depressed father at weekends. Second marriage never really worked, balancing husband, children and ex. Stressful. Wished I'd stayed and worked at putting more fun into the marriage instead of thinking g I would be better doing it alone. That would be my advice to my younger self

I don't know if this your exact situation, but I was in one where I knew my H didn't love or respect me in the way that I wanted. That was part of the end for me (although there were others things going on too).
I guess ultimately only you can decide, but to go on only for the sake of your children will only result in them being more damaged if you keep the pretence going.
I'm not trying to be unkind to you, because I've been in your position, but I am trying to wake you up to what is in your power. And that is you making the right choices for you and your dc. I sincerely hope you can find a way through this.

Thanks for all the responses. They are so mixed which I suppose reflects the fact that everyone's situation is different. What I keep asking myself is 'If not now, when?'. Both DCs will probably have left home in about 6 years. But if we split up as soon as they leave that's bad too.

Splitting up a family is hard and sad and stressful. I wish I had just concentrated on enjoying my children's natural happiness and made my own life within the marriage with my own many enjoyable interests and not looked for satisfaction from my husband so much. In hindsight i believe that children we bring into this world should be protected and nurtured. Fathers are needed especially (in my opinion) by boys. I had 4 boys and now am reaping the consequences. I also missed my lovely nephews and the happier family meetings because of the split. It can cause havoc. Sorry to be so gloomy. I'm only speaking of my own experiences of course. I have regrets and wish I had looked at the positive things instead of the lack.

I considered staying for my son, but quickly realised I wouldn’t be able to do it- and not only that but the kind of relationship I would be modelling for my son would be extremely unhealthy.
I’d rather my son learn that it’s better to be on your own than in a relationship that makes you miserable.

That being said, it was such a hard decision and I absolutely agonised over it even though anyone with half a brain could see that my ex was a useless dickhead who treated me terribly.

Single parent households are not automatically “broken homes”- and I think we as a society need to stop viewing them as such. If you do end up splitting, it will just change the dynamic of your kids family- but they’ll still be family with both their parents.

My teenage best friend’s parents divorced horribly as soon as her and her sister had left for uni. It was awful and so destabilising. It really messed them both up and I think actually made the divorce even harder on her parents too as none of them had any semblance of a family unit anymore, which was very sad. Don’t do this.

Fathers are needed especially (in my opinion) by boys. I had 4 boys and now am reaping the consequences.

Even if you believe this to be true, children can still have their fathers. Their fathers don't need to be with the mother in a relationship.

My parents did but then stayed together even when we left! Weird. They hated each other and would argue and bicker all the time. It was a horrible environment to grow up in. Weeks of silences and then an explosive argument. My dad died at 60 and my mum had been miserable ever since.

So for me it was the wrong decision for them to stay together but I would caveat that with I didn’t experience the alternative of split houses, less money etc etc so nothing to compare it with.

If it’s financially doable then I would do it.

My parents stayed together for us. I'm really grateful that they did. It worked out for the best for us.

My parents stayed together for the children and separated when we were at university. It was utterly awful as they hated each other by then. I wish they'd done it 10-15 year earlier before they'd got so bitter.

They will still tell you now that they provided a stable and happy house but we noticed every snide comment, dirty look and night time argument. People think their children are stupid and don't notice but they do.

I am in this situation. I am still with H. I wish I had left the very first time I tried, when DD1 was about 1 year old, the longer I stayed the more entangled I became. He's not all bad, but I don't love him, I barely like him, we live like colleagues.
The DC barely speak to him, they feel the same as I do.
My DD often says," leave him & come & live with me".
I hope to be happy when I'm a widow, but then again, I may die tomorrow.
In my defence, I live in another EU country, when the DC were small I had no income, only spoke the language badly, & couldn't return to the UK legally...So was hostage here.... Only with the years did I really understand the abusive relationship I was in, I "manage" it now I understand it better.
So to answer your question; Leave now

"Thanks for all the responses. They are so mixed which I suppose reflects the fact that everyone's situation is different. What I keep asking myself is 'If not now, when?'. Both DCs will probably have left home in about 6 years. But if we split up as soon as they leave that's bad too."

This is exactly the problem, OP. It really depends on why and in what ways the relationship isn't working.

Is it down to unrealistic ideas about how a relationship should be when you are many, many years into it and going through the daily grind together (like these occasional posters who complain they no longer feel "in love" with their partner of many years and still seem to expect butterflies and overwhelming excitement)? At the other extreme - is there neglect and abuse? Or are you just so deeply incompatible that there is a gulf between you and no real closeness and warmth?

Remember that your marriage is a model for your children and their expectations of marriage. Would you want them to have the marriage you've got? If they're growing up in a union where at least one party is "pretty miserable" most of the time, that seems sub-optimal to me. People talk about staying together for the children. Sometimes it may be better to leave for the children. You say your DS would be devastated but if you and your H are able to co-parent sensibly and constructively, it's not obvious why he should be devastated, particularly if you have a marriage which is making at least one of you miserable.

It does depend on how functionally you think you and your H could co-parent if you separated but if your DCs are of an age to be leaving home in about 6 years' time then they're old enough to make decisions about who they spend time with and make their own arrangements with him etc.

FWIW, some of the most functional families and most sorted children I know are families where the parents divorced and have co-parented sensibly and constructively. And, quite seriously, some of the most damaged and dysfunctional people I know grew up in marriages where the parents disliked each other but stayed together for the children.

There may be very good practical reasons why you think it is better to stay now. They may involve the children. But ultimately I don't think you should call it staying together for the children. It's an unfair and unreasonable burden to place on them. You could call it - staying together while we are raising our children because for various reasons it is easier for me if we remain together while we are raising our children. Those could be completely valid reasons for staying but I do think you should reframe your thinking that you're doing it for your children.

I think when it becomes intolerable you just have to leave. I fought through the misery until a whole load of lies, cheating & deception were revealed. ExH felt (prob still does), that I ought to have been able to forgive him. That said it all really, as in my mind he didn't understand the impact of his actions.
I'm much happier now- in a relationship that suits me much better. Kids enjoy their time with both parents separately.
There are difficulties & I do feel a lot of guilt for the DC. However I know I'm a better mum because I'm happy & have the time & space to be.

"I hope to be happy when I'm a widow, but then again, I may die tomorrow."

@getsomehelp - hopefully you will live for many more decades but it is a real shame that you're wishing death on your H before you can imagine being happy especially if you have the option of going to live with your DCs. They surely hate the idea of you staying miserably where you are.

There was a heartbreaking post on here about 18 months ago from a woman in her mid-40s who had finally managed to permanently escape from the emotionally abusive relationship she had spent her entire adult life in, only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness and not long left to live. Naturally she was completely devastated and felt that she had wasted her life. She said she was posting as a warning to others.

Context is everything here. When I left DH I didn't have a choice, it was starting to affect my MH, and was affecting our DC. Our left for my sake but mostly for the DCs.

If you honestly think that the problems in your marriage are not affecting your children (and that is rarely the case, but might be possible), then you can choose to sacrifice your own happiness for a few years to keep their stable family home. Bear in mind that the more miserable you are the more that affects your DCs.

But if you think that your problems are affecting them, or that you are showing them an unhealthy relationship, or they in any way at risk, then it is much better for them to separate.

Bear in mind divorce doesn't mean they no longer have a father. A decent dad will be just as much a dad (sometimes better - I know of 3 or 4 cases where the dad has stepped up and got a better relationships with DCs) once separated. And if they don't have a decent dad then they are better off not living with him.

My parents stayed together and it was a nightmare for myself and my brother. The bitterness, the arguing, the frosty atmosphere and ultimately the adultery, we noticed it all.

For my part, I split with my child's father. Now, we are fairly amicable and my son is happy, contented, well adjusted and absolutely flying through life. No regrets whatsoever

My parents did. I wish they hadn't. When I lived at home, I longed for them to split up, but never dared say so. For many years after leaving home, I felt that nothing I could achieve in life would ever justify the sacrifice of their own happiness that had been made on my behalf. And now as they approach death, I'd give anything for them each to have found true happiness in life, but I can't put the clock back for them.

I suppose it depends on what the issues are.

What exactly is making you miserable?

@getsomehelp
I hope to be happy when I'm a widow, but then again, I may die tomorrow.

I think my mum thought along those lines too.

My dad's 93 now and has just enough senile dementia to drive her nuts, without being so bad that his normal lifestyle (with her) needs interrupting.