Have you stayed together for the children? How has it worked out?

[marshmallowsarenice]

Am at a bit of a crossroads with DH. The main thing that's making me stay is the thought of splitting up the family is completely breaking my heart. Things not bad with DH 100% of the time but it's pretty miserable at the moment. Can't seem to be brave enough to make the decision. Don't know if its the right decision. Might not be able to reply straight away.

If you're going to split up, just get on with it. If you wait til the youngest turns 18 and then initiate it, it'll be very obvious that you've just stayed together for the children, and they'll think their whole childhood family was fake/a lie.

But you don't sound that sure that it's done, so if there's a chance the relationship can be saved then try everything first (counselling etc).

I split with my dd’s dad as I could see the issues affecting me would start to affect her very soon. She doesn’t remember the drinking, or the attitude I used to get from him the next day when hungover but she was getting to an age where hiding it would be impossible. He was mean to me, and when angry would call me names I never wanted to hear me being called in front of her and that was starting to happen.

So we separated. He’s a pretty terrible unreliable father but they do see each other sometimes and we are amicable, because I manage to take a deep breath and do that. She loves him, and on the occasions he has her, he’s fine with her.

I’m now much more peaceful, our home life is calm, I’m in a well paying job not wasting money on things because he’s drinking any money away. I’m happy, she’s happy.

For us it was the best option and I should have done it sooner.

Each case is so individual, but staying together with him for her sake would have not been good. She would have grown up with a miserable mother, and a father that drinks way to much, and now she’s shielded from that side of him.

I stayed married for 19 years for the children - at least 15 of them miserable.

It was a time that almost broke me entirely.
Almost 20 years later my grown children would tell you they wish I had ended it much much sooner.

Your life is too valuable and nothing is promised.

There is a book called ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and it might be really helpful for you. Well worth a read for someone in your situation. It goes through issues case by case.
I didn’t read it myself but have recommended it to a few people. The main question is ‘was it ever good?’ Have a think about it, and don’t answer here if you don’t want to, but truly,
Was the relationship ever good?

I did stay, but could only manage to bear it for a further year.

I regret not leaving much earlier.

I spilt and never regretted it. My children were 2&4. He wasn't a bad man but we didn't get on and he was pretty useless.

I remember him saying we could live separately until the 2yo started school but what would that have achieved?

It was like a sticking plaster. Just ripped it off and moved on. Interestingly both of us met new partners within 3 months and are still with them now 15 years later.

I think if we'd stayed we'd have then encountered more reasons not to split. Jobs, ageing parents, illness etc.

My parents stayed together for me. It was horrible. I knew they weren't happy together from a young age. There were large, uncomfortable silences, very little laughter and no love between them. Everyday I would sit by the window expecting this to be the day one of them didn't come home. It felt like slow torture.

I know someone who has done this for many years. The couple post regular ‘happy family’ photos on social media but the reality is that they both look utterly miserable most of the time. Their children are very messed up by having to live in a toxic family.

Is your DH likely to change? If not, my advice would be to leave as soon as you can. You can both continue to be good parents while living apart and your children will eventually adapt to new circumstances. Life is too short to remain stuck in an unhappy marriage.

My mum left my dad and I’m so glad she did. She’s got an amazing g spirit and I know that if she’d have stayed, he’d have sucked the life out of her and she wouldn’t be the woman she is today. She is my heroine and is now with the love of her life. Her partner and her are an absolute example of a brilliant relationship and I’m so glad I have that to look up to. I can’t imagine what kind of person I’d have become if they’d have stayed together and I’m so thankful that I’ll never have to know.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond here. It's given me lots to think about. DH and I both have our faults and are both to blame when things go wrong. We have an unhealthy pattern of behaviour we slip into during tough times. We've had a two lots of counselling over the years.
@3luckystars - I'll be checking out that book suggestion - sounds useful.

All the very best.