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Original poster

Dating - why is it so hard?

26 replies

gofigureit · 22/12/2021 19:14

I'm in mid-40s I've been single for a few year following the ending of a LTR in which I wasn't happy.

I've had my therapy and sorted my life out, got a new job, joined a gym, moved house etc. I'm attractive and solvent etc, I feel I am the best version of me I can naturally be (I'm not interested in Botox or fillers etc - just not for me/my style - I don't judge others who do though) and I have a reasonably rich and happy, healthy life.

Due to my age I haven't the pressure/expectation of having a family (thank god as I would find it even more heart-breaking).

I'm on the dating apps, and every now and then (every couple of months I'd say) I find someone who can actually message in a interesting and interested way, we meet, usually there's no spark, we message to agree there's nothing there and nice to meet etc etc and the cycle continues.

I've recently been chatting to someone nice, he's charming and witty, we meet up, I find him attractive and interesting. We have a couple more dates, and kiss etc. There seems to be sexual chemistry. There don't seem to be any barriers to us continuing to get to know each other.

Boom I get a message saying I'm very nice but they aren't interested in seeing me again.

I feel disproportionately stupidly hurt and upset, I feel so lonely at this time of year (yes I have a dog!) everyone I know has a family, I have a lovely sister and she has a family who I stay with during Christmas, which is great, but I still feel lonely.

I know it's so random, and I know there's nothing I can do (I feel I am doing everything I can - apart from join in male hobbies, I'm never going to be a rock climber!) but I feel so despondent that I'm not in a loving and mutually beneficial relationship. I hate the idea that the mistakes I've made in the past, staying in the LTR when I shouldn't have, will mean I am possibly going to be alone forever. It's a bitter pill to swallow at this time of year.

I don't know why I'm posting, just wanted to see if anyone had any advice.

Thanks

OP posts:
ExtremeIroning · 22/12/2021 19:21

Well, have you a strong friendship group? Can you go out and about with a friend? Honestly, just don't force it. Men get stupidly scared about LTRs in their 40s and older. There's always children to add into the mix too. Sometimes it's just best to let it happen naturally

ExtremeIroning · 22/12/2021 19:21

I just mean there's more to life than just having a man about

magicroundaboutflorence · 22/12/2021 19:32

Hi OP. I'm been in a similar situation. At least you know where you stand with this person and they didn't just go quiet (this happened to me).

It's hit and miss with the dating apps and this time of year can make you feel like you are missing someone in your life.

kokokokokokokokoko · 22/12/2021 19:37

hate dating apps! i gave up in the end. prefer to be single or at least focussing on myself, if it happens, it happens. maybe get back to focussing on yourself, hobbies, work, interests, gym etc... find a project to do that you love that takes your mind off dating. Maybe also dip a toe into the water every so often (I tend to do a date or two once a year).

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2021 19:45

It's totally understandable to feel so shit about it

What struck me in your post was saying you meet someone once, you agree there's no spark, and so you never see them again. I know this is how it works, and in a lot of ways it's healthy to not bother with people where there is no hope, but all I can think is that my best relationships started off as friends and slowly grew into something more. Not all relationships start with that instant spark.

I was friends with my now DH for 2 years before we even dated, that's how slow it was!

So I don't know how to turn this into advice except maybe to develop your friendships, try to do lots of things with lots of different people, including men, and just see what happens. Some of them might turn into dating interests, or might introduce you to someone interesting.

FabulousMrFifty · 22/12/2021 19:45

No advice, but it’s the same on the “other side”, you meet an interesting woman, have a few dates that seem to be going okay and poof, she disappears or dear Johns you, never mind, To paraphrase a PP , there is more to life then just having a woman about…

Hawkins001 · 22/12/2021 19:47

For me it's getting to know the people, then developing the trust and connections, it all adds up, but then I'd rather take the time, than jump and be oh, pickles. Yes their is always risks.

OhLookMoreShit · 22/12/2021 19:52

I think us single folk are well aware there is more to life than having a partner 🙄

Gettingonwithit12 · 22/12/2021 20:03

OP I can totally relate! Also 40s, out of a miserable LTR, own house, solvent, dog etc Grin, get good chats going on OLD, nice dates, then they don’t want to see me again! Then I did recently find someone I liked, saw them a few times, thought all going well then boom- they don’t want to see me anymore.

I don’t have any advice I’m afraid, just wanted to say you are not alone! It’s totally dispiriting isn’t it. And yes I know having a man is not the be all and end all, but I’m bored of being single and it’s horrible being lonely at this time of the year.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 22/12/2021 20:05

In my experience dating apps are hell. I know some people have success with them, but I wouldnt touch them with a barge-pole. I'd much rather stay single and do activities that I enjoy and meet someone organically. Good luck OP, it's rough out there.

YogaRebel · 23/12/2021 13:10

My friend found Bumble to be better than most apps. All my friends that used apps expect to do a shed load of sifting - like 1000 likes to maybe 2 possible dates ? The men I know just scroll looking for hot stuff - urgh ! slightest thing that puts them of they just look for another hot thing and there s a never ending supply. There's an art to good chat they say !

Made me think single women are betters off and getting to know people the only fashioned way - talking, shared interests or mutual friends!

My mum when widowed found organised dinner party evenings through a club a hit - focus was on finding friends as much as partners. It cost bit at least you knew everyone there was invested in taking time to get know each other. Another friend met her next partner through her love of cycling in a club. Seems to me there's no right or wrong way to meet people!
Good luck in your search for love !

Gildedbrooks · 23/12/2021 13:18

I mean sparks are very elusive, otherwise we'd all just be having sex with the next available person we passed in the street. This is why dating apps are actually quite fabulous. They say (negatively ) it's a numbers game. Yes it is. So is being out and about in social settings hoping to meet someone but that's how it used to be. Also women need to stop talking about dating apps as if they're being 'done to'. It's equal opps in my experience (met dh on Tinder 7 years ago.) Attitude is everything.

Original poster
gofigureit · 23/12/2021 13:41

When I say 'spark' I mean attraction.
I'm looking for a sexual partner (physical connection is really important to me, how they smell, feel, kiss, are they tactile etc - it's just how I'm made)
I struggle to continue seeing guys I know there isn't that attraction for me.
I can't have sex with someone I don't have an attraction to.
They don't have to be gym bunnies etc, not at all, but there has to be something to hold my interest.
I don't want to lead someone on and I am looking for companionship and sex.

OP posts:
Gildedbrooks · 23/12/2021 13:50

Yes I think we're all on the same page that spark = sexual attraction

dreamingbohemian · 23/12/2021 14:28

I see what you're saying OP and when I think about my friends who are in your same position, they would all say the same thing about wanting that initial sexual attraction from the get go

Just curious though, have you never grown to find someone more attractive than you initially thought?

This is what happened with my DH and some of my previous LTRs I wasn't initially that attracted to them and we were just friends (they weren't repulsive, just not my usual type) but as I got to know them more and saw how great they were, they became really attractive to me

Like now I think my DH is absolutely gorgeous and I don't understand why I didn't see that initially!

It's not that other people don't care about looks, it's just sometimes people's looks can grow on you.

Jillzcrazy · 23/12/2021 15:07

After my divorce i found the dating sites poor. Again in the main i found very little in the way of attraction so i gave them up.
The real thing came on a purely chance encounter - yes not my usual type but bubbly and chatty so i gave it a go with the date that was offered - we were both relaxed enjoyed our time on the date and the sex came so naturally i felt id known him for ages
there someone there for us all keep trying and be yourself xx

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/12/2021 15:22

I’d say to come off the apps
As dating is the only area where Hard work and dedication doesn’t pay off
And yes there is a thread full of people who managed to meet people this way
But it does sound like you need a break and to focus on something else for a while
I feel you
Sending Flowers

RantyAunty · 23/12/2021 15:25

Have you tried someone a bit younger?

Gildedbrooks · 23/12/2021 15:49

My story is met DH on tinder, chatted online for a month, felt like we'd get on great as mates and wasn't really bothered if it turned out we weren't attracted to each other in person (could always set him up with a friend if not) but met for a friendly date - no pressure - kissed him within five minutes of meeting, went out, got drunk , slept together first date, got married after two years, four years nearly five years ago. moral of the story is, the spark may or may not happen but you won't know unless you're out there being open to it. We're not unicorns, we're not rare, but you don't really get to hear about dating success stories on MN unless you specifically ask.

Gildedbrooks · 23/12/2021 15:50

Also before anybody starts up, it's ok to sleep together on a first date if the spark is there. you don't need my permission but you sure do have it ☺️

Gloriagayn · 23/12/2021 15:56

I’ve found a that being 40 plus has been a barrier. Men of that age group and older are like kids in a sweet shop. Mostly married for many years, get divorced and it’s a case of “great how many women can I date/shag.”

Gildedbrooks · 23/12/2021 16:22

@Gloriagayn that's true of both sexes, if people are inclined that way. It's not just a male thing.

supercali77 · 23/12/2021 16:41

It took me 3.5 years of dating online and off to meet someone with mutual attraction. Also early 40s, post ltr, went through my share of playboy shagger types and nice men I had no attraction to. In no way is it a 'never be with anyone again' situation for you, likely its just a....several years of doing your own thing and meeting people along the way. I stayed friends with some....

ravenmum · 23/12/2021 16:43

@Gloriagayn

I’ve found a that being 40 plus has been a barrier. Men of that age group and older are like kids in a sweet shop. Mostly married for many years, get divorced and it’s a case of “great how many women can I date/shag.”
That's certainly how I felt after 20 years with my exh Grin Didn't actually go on a massive shagathon, but I think that attitude can be quite helpful when dating as it means you take it less seriously!

have you never grown to find someone more attractive than you initially thought?
This doesn't work as well with dating apps, though - people tend to act like you've short-changed them if you go on more than three dates and then opt out.

Original poster
gofigureit · 23/12/2021 17:30

Yes I've had attraction that grows, I get the impression (through the men I've met via online) that this commitment to seeing if attraction will grow is not on the table.

I've wanted been out with many guys via OLD, but some of them have been on there for years on and off and seem pretty hostile to 'wasting their time' even the 'nice guys' so I'm in between a rock and a hard place.

I have thought about going younger, but assume those guys aren't looking for an older woman for long term as they will want children when they hit their 40s.

OP posts:
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