Husband doesn’t understand

[Happythoughts123]

My and my husband have been together for 12 years and have an 18month old,

Prior to developing post natal depression our marriage was great. We have always been opposites (he’s logical I’m emotional) but it seemed to work.

Since have my daughter I have been severely depressed. I am no fun. I am sad. I am anxious. I am tearful most days. I imagine I am a nightmare to be married to.

To begin with he was supportive but I can tell that my depressive episodes are wearing thin and although he supports me practically, he cannot relate at all to my despair.

I feel it’s a matter of time before things come to a head. Unless I magically recover or he magically becomes emotionally in tune with my depression.

I feel trapped with someone who doesn’t really understand me and I imagine he feels trapped with someone who is draining.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. Has anyone else struggled with depression and relating to their partner?

Are you getting treatment for your depression? I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but there will be better times ahead. Just take each day as it comes and ask for help.

What are you doing to address your depression? Are you on a course of counselling? Have you been prescribed and taking antidepressants? No one ‘magically’ recovers from depression.

@Happythoughts123

My and my husband have been together for 12 years and have an 18month old,

Prior to developing post natal depression our marriage was great. We have always been opposites (he’s logical I’m emotional) but it seemed to work.

Since have my daughter I have been severely depressed. I am no fun. I am sad. I am anxious. I am tearful most days. I imagine I am a nightmare to be married to.

To begin with he was supportive but I can tell that my depressive episodes are wearing thin and although he supports me practically, he cannot relate at all to my despair.

I feel it’s a matter of time before things come to a head. Unless I magically recover or he magically becomes emotionally in tune with my depression.

I feel trapped with someone who doesn’t really understand me and I imagine he feels trapped with someone who is draining.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. Has anyone else struggled with depression and relating to their partner?

All the best and positivity op,

Not sure if I understand correctly, but to truly understand your perspectives, then you would need a person who's been through similar experiences ? Otherwise would their not always be a mismatch in how you feel, vs how your partner understands how you feel ?

@Didimum @AgentProvocateur I’m not currently receiving any treatment.

I was under the perinatal team and received counselling with a psychologist but that finished when she turned one. Since then I have steadily declined. Have just referred myself to talking therapies but that has an 18 week wait at present,

I have been prescribed antidepressants but have chosen not to take them. I’m so scared to. I tried them after dd was born and they made me feel worse and weird.

Go back to your gp and ask for a different antidepressant. You need to step up here and do everything you can to manage your condition. I hope you get well soon.

I would strongly advise that you see your GP and get on a treatment plan for medication. They can typically make you feel worse before you feel better, which is part of how they are effective. Which of course is very painful to deal with, but unfortunately what may happen initially. Keep in contact with your doctor and monitor what’s happening. They will make necessary adjustments as you go. Is it feasible to begin seeing a private therapist while you are on the counselling waiting list? Yes, it’s expensive, but this is your life. Are there any cutbacks you can make to make it affordable.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but after 18 months you are clearly very desperately in need of meaningful help, and I don’t think you should put that off any longer. For the good of yourself and your family. It’s an exhausting battle, but nothing will get better without proactive change.

Are you on hormonal contraception? Or still breastfeeding?

I have been in your shoes and as a fellow PND sufferer I can tell you - you need to get treated. This won’t get better, and can actually turn a lot worse.
So for your own sake, and that of your child - who will need her mother healthy and alive - please get help. It’ll help your marriage too, but at this point it’s a secondary concern.

Thing about antidepressants - is they don’t all work the same for different people. So it has to be a trial and error. For me - the first kinds I tried helped. While a friend had to try a few until she got one that helped without side effects.

Anxiety was a big part of my depression as well, so I took anti-anxiety meds for a bit, until antidepressants kicked in and started reducing my general anxiety.

Please, please - go to your GP and get yourself on a treatment program.

OP, I'm not sure if you know this, but it's common for antidepressants to take a while to kick in (a couple of weeks or so), and they can make you feel strange before they do, but that goes away. It might be worth re-considering whether they could help you.
The other thing that might be useful to know is that taking antidepressants isn't a life sentence - you can take them while you need help, and then stop with the guidance of your doctor.
I speak from personal experience, having been in them three times in my life, for different reasons.
I hope you find a solution that works for you.

Hi and see your go op. My mum had pnd, and she said that taking anti depressants for a while made the world of difference

Sorry OP, but I wouldn't want to support a partner who wasn't medication complaint. You need to speak with your GP and take medication.

It's not an easy step but things will get better, you need to try for a few weeks before you can make a decision medication wise.

Good luck

You need to get on the right medication for a start. I had severe pnd after having my dd 18 years ago to the point I was suicidal and they put me on 3 different medications before I found one that helped. You have to give them a go. I ended up on citalopram on a dose they rarely if ever prescribe anymore - 60mg. I was on it for 2 years and gradually came off it and haven’t been on any since. It literally saved my life. Counselling also helped but it was the medication that really worked. I genuinely believe a lot of pnd is lack of proper sleep and hormonal imbalances - the lack of sleep is one of those things that generally improves with time but the hormone issues can be corrected a lot with medication.

I am also now married to someone who has bipolar and now he’s taking citalopram it’s really helped him and he’s now able to hold down a job and mostly be stable. It’s very hard to support someone if you feel they aren’t actively trying things to help themselves ie medication.

@Hawkins001 @Didimum @MMmomDD @ThisIsStartingToBoreMe thank you so much for your replies. Having read through them it seems so clear that the problem is not my husband not understanding me but the fact that I feel lonely because I’m so broken down. I just so badly wanted to fight this without medication, I just want to be myself. But clearly it’s starting to affect my marriage.
It’s so hard 💔
@Huy456 no not on birth control or breastfeeding

I know how you feel, I’m in the same position although I have long suffered with depression and although PND made it worse, even once over the PND I still suffer. My husband is a practical man, he struggles to understand depression at all and offers very very little emotional support which is incredibly hard. I am learning that he doesn’t do this on purpose, he isn’t punishing me (although it feels this way sometimes) but he just isn’t capable of helping me in this way. The difficulty we have is due to his job we are completely isolated from friends and family so I have few options. I manage best I can by speaking to friends and family daily on the phone, without this I would not cope and I don’t know what else to do. Do you have a support network outside your husband you can call on?

Medication isn't failing, if that's what's bothering you?

There are lots of different medication options and whilst it can feel scary and overwhelming at the start - because the symbolism of starting any kind of drug for any disease can bring all your emotions good and bad and all your fears and hopes to the surface - in most cases any side effects disappear within a few weeks as your body adjusts.

You just need to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time to get through the first few weeks so it has a chance to help. Lots of people find starting medication a challenge - the important thing is to remember it's normal and the feelings are temporary.

Don't forget you can always speak to the Samaritans any time - they're for anybody experiencing distress not just for those feeling suicidal. Sometimes it can help to be able to talk to someone in confidence who's outside of your life and who you don't have to worry about upsetting or rejecting you.

Even if you just wanted to have someone on the phone with you the first time you take the medication for moral support. Or have a chat to distract you after taking it if you feel a bit panicked or distressed. They can be there to help support you through this alongside the other elements.

[quote Happythoughts123]**@Didimum* @AgentProvocateur* I’m not currently receiving any treatment.

I was under the perinatal team and received counselling with a psychologist but that finished when she turned one. Since then I have steadily declined. Have just referred myself to talking therapies but that has an 18 week wait at present,

I have been prescribed antidepressants but have chosen not to take them. I’m so scared to. I tried them after dd was born and they made me feel worse and weird.[/quote]
If you had a physical problem that needed tablets you would take them , deal with any side effects and get better. It wouldn't cross your mind not to. It's the same with mental health problems .You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that anti depressants would sort out but only if you take them and give them time.The uplift in serotonin will allow you to feel more like the old you for you but also for your husband. Living with someone with depression is very hard. You have a means to start the journey out of it. It isn't fair to expect him to accept the situation indefinitely. Do it for yourself , your baby and your marriage.

@Happythoughts123

OP - the problem is that you are unwell. And after 18 months - it’s clear it’s not just going to get better on its own. There is no ‘fighting’ it on its own. What you’ve been doing is waiting it out.
Like with any physical illness, when it gets serious - there comes a time when your body needs help.

As to your H - all he can ‘understand’ is that you are down and unwell. But that makes no difference to your condition and doesn’t help you. And, frankly, after 1,5 years - I am surprised he hasn’t insisted you saw a doctor and got help.
It’s one thing to be supportive of someone who is actively trying to get better. And it’s totally another to watch your partner do nothing.

So - do please see your doctor.

[quote Happythoughts123]**@Hawkins001* @Didimum* @MMmomDD @ThisIsStartingToBoreMe thank you so much for your replies. Having read through them it seems so clear that the problem is not my husband not understanding me but the fact that I feel lonely because I’m so broken down. I just so badly wanted to fight this without medication, I just want to be myself. But clearly it’s starting to affect my marriage.
It’s so hard 💔
@Huy456 no not on birth control or breastfeeding[/quote]
Your welcome, all the best and positivity

I am three years on from raging PND and if I could do one thing in my life it would be to go back in time, ask for more help and persevere with findng the right anti depressants.

It doesn't fix itself unfortunately. Youre drowning and you know it. You HAVE to reach for help, even tho it is so f'ing hard

Try the anti d's again, a different lot if you're wary of the ones you tried before. Be aware though they can make you feel a bit weird at first, make sure you give them the proper amount of time. It's got to be worth another go, you sound so unhappy and I know they really helped my OH.

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow that’s really reassuring to hear about your mum thank you 🙏🏼

@Balanced12 that is a really good point. Thank you. I am asking too much of him to support me indefinitely.

@Bagelsandbrie thank you so much for sharing your story. Gives me hope to hear you didn’t need to go back on them. My sister had real trouble coming off them a while back and I think it has made me weary.

@Underit that’s exactly it…I sometimes feel punished by his lack of awareness/understanding but deep down I know he is just unable to access the same emotions I do. I do have a support network but I really struggle to open up. None of my family/friends have ever had clinical depression before so I do just feel a bit as if they don’t fully get it.

@user15364596354862 I don’t feel I would be failing I think I am just in such a high state of anxiety I’m frozen. Doing nothing feels safer (when in reality I’m sinking). I am worried about side effects and eventually coming off them. Thank you so much for the Samaritans recommendation x

@AngelinaFibres thank you for your words. I know you are right. It has gone on too long now.

@MMmomDD he has tried to encourage me to get help. Once my counselling finished in June I think part of me felt like I would be going backwards to get more help but clearly I need it. I will go and see my gp. X

@Hungry625f thank you for your kind words and advice. Your right I am drowning. And I’m focusing on my husbands reaction to my drowning rather than myself. It’s interesting once you write something down and get the opinion of strangers it seems so much clearer. Thank you x

@Tal45 thank you so much. This thread has made it clear to me I need to try again. 🙏🏼

Good luck, op. As for worries about coming off them - that's not where you are right now so worrying about it won't achieve anything except to distress yourself.

(It's a legitimate consideration but should worrying about something that may or may not one day be a temporary difficulty be what keeps you stuck and definitely suffering now? Worse case scenario you taper off them, which lots of people do every day with a variety of medications. No big deal.)

You may find it helpful each time you find yourself off worrying about future hypothetical scenarios to bring yourself back to the present moment and focus on only dealing with the present. Where you are right this minute. What is happening right now.

The present is usually much more manageable, it's only our worries about the future or memories of the past that are hurting us rather than what's actually happening to us - "right now I'm just sitting in a chair breathing and nothing bad is happening, I'm safe".

If you just take things 5 minutes at a time for a while and don't think any further ahead than those 5 minutes that's fine. One thing at a time, one step at a time.

It’s not uncommon or unusual to be reluctant to take medication - you aren’t alone in those feelings. But it’s not a failure and it’s not a weakness. Most of us will face a mental health issue across the course of our lives, and I’m willing to bet that you would advocate for any of your friends, family or your husband to try antidepressants if it meant an easier and swifter recovery for them. It’s very hard to apply good logic and care to yourself, especially when you’re a mother. Us mothers really don’t take enough care of ourselves. You WILL be fine. I promise.

I don't mean to dismiss your sister's experience, just that it's normal to have to taper off any medication you've been on for a while because your body gets used to it. Corticosteroids for instance.

If something's helping you and isn't causing harm then is the priority to stop taking it anyway?