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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex and boundaries

39 replies

Anon778833 · 22/12/2021 04:46

I know I’m not wrong about this, surely but I feel as though I am going mad.

My ex and I have a 2 year old daughter together. We split up about a year ago. However, he won’t let me go.

He texts me every day with kisses on the end. If he does a FT with our daughter he ends up talking to me about his job, problems with the neighbours etc.

He tries to find reasons for me to hang out with him.

He tries to buy me food treats.

He’s also very flirty when we are doing hand overs.

You may think he wants to get back with me but I don’t think it’s that because he was the main one who wanted to break up. The nail in the coffin so to speak was me deciding to have the Covid vaccine.

Im autistic and very easily manipulated. But even I can see that it’s inappropriate to be behaving this way. I told him this and he said it’s normal to behave this way after you’ve split up with someone if you have a child together.

Somehow I can’t extract him from my life and properly move on because he’s always there.

OP posts:

Momijin · 22/12/2021 05:59

Tell him not to contact you unless it is about your daughter and even then, stick to planned contact. He doesn't need to speak every day!

And tell him that any gifts from him will be binned or given away.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 07:40

I've told him all this but he keeps on and on trying to shift the boundaries.

I don't want to be on bad terms with him because of our daughter. My friend has told me to be less affable with him on the phone. I need to figure out a way to not be the controlled one.

MizzFizz · 22/12/2021 08:25

Look up Grey Rock and use that technique with him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/12/2021 09:02

I’d second grey rock

BlingLoving · 22/12/2021 10:18

The FT thing is easy - just don't engage. Let him talk to your daughter. if he then tries to talk to you it's a simple, "Sorry, can't chat, have a good day" and leave at that. Ignore the kisses on the phone messages but only respond to messages directly related to your dd.

It sounds like he wants you available to him but without any of the pressure of a relationship. screw that.

Booboobadoo · 22/12/2021 10:25

You are under no obligation to engage with him. Communicate about DD only - via text/email if easier. I don't speak to ex when I drop off/collect DC. It felt weird at first, but find it liberating now! I read about dropping the rope/grey rock in Mumsnet and it helped me so much. It felt natural to engage with someone when they communicate with me, but in fact I'm well within my rights to refuse to respond.

wateraddict · 22/12/2021 11:55

You could move to email only and explain that you only want to communicate that way and only regarding matters relating to your child. Then block him so he can't call or text until he gets used to it. If you want him to be able to call you for emergencies, then do this for a few weeks and unblock him. The moment he breaks your boundaries, block him again. One way to make your boundaries clear. You can still be polite but then have the headspace to reply only on matters which relate to parenting your child. Ignore all other topics and the control is yours.

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2021 12:16

Stick to written communication and do handovers where it will be easier for you to have a quick getaway (I.e not your home).

Remember, you do not need his permission or agreement to what your boundaries should be.

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 13:06

@Itsnotover

I've told him all this but he keeps on and on trying to shift the boundaries.

I don't want to be on bad terms with him because of our daughter. My friend has told me to be less affable with him on the phone. I need to figure out a way to not be the controlled one.

OP - co-parenting software is your friend. www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/

As to "don't want to be on bad terms with him" - reframe this thought.
You do not need to be on any terms with him. He is your ex.

Invest in the software.
Tell him this is the only comms channel you will now use with him, & block him on everything else.
At handover, be polite but curt. No response to his flirting. He is ridiculous. Stay cold.
Stop allowing reasons to hang out with him. YOU get to control that boundary. You have zero reason to spend ANY time with him.
Refuse his food treats. "No thanks, I have enough food at home." He can't force you to accept them. Be strong. Say no.
My friend has told me to be less affable with him on the phone - your friend is almost correct. The correct response is - you never talk with him on the phone,. There is simply no need.

This man is controlling you & you're right - it's not because he wants you back/ It's because he's a game-playing fucker who still believes you are property.

You need to drop the rope entirely.
It will feel strange initially, but school yourself to keep remembering the basics - NO contact outside of the coparenting software - NO chitchat at handover - NO phone calls, texts, emails or social media.

But even I can see that it’s inappropriate to be behaving this way. I told him this and he said it’s normal to behave this way after you’ve split up with someone if you have a child together.
He doesn't get to tell you what is normal.
He doesn't get to interact with you at all - can you see now what I mean by "drop the rope"?
You will no longer need to engage in these painful conversations about how you want him to behave - because you are going to stop telling him, & start showing him.
At handover, when he starts to chat & engage with you - just walk away. You only need to be in his airspace for the 5 seconds it takes to give him DD & her bag - you are then off & away. There is nothing to stay for, you have nothing to say to him, you owe him nothing.

You do not need his permission.
You are not seeking terms, or a negotiation.
As soon as you have your new software, you hook him into it with a short note saying "this is to make our coparenting simpler, all messages & scheduling in one app" - then block him everywhere else. You don't have to announce the blocking. You don't have to explain it. You don't have to justify it. You - just - fucking- do - it!!!!

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 14:04

Thanks so much for replies and for that helpful link x

Babyiskickingmyribs · 22/12/2021 14:20

It’s hard to stop him chatting about his own life - but you can absolutely avoid telling him anything about yours. You can also cut him off when he starts rambling on and say you’re busy so of he’s finished chatting to dd you’ll be off to do errands so byebye for now (don’t tell him what errands).
Ignore all flirty comments. Just don’t react to them. Change the subject. He says ‘That’s a nice dress’ You say ´did you remember to put dd’s teddy in her bag?’. He says ´we were so good together.’ You say ´are you still taking dd to the zoo next Saturday? I’ll send her in extra warm clothes that day’

Strawbz8988 · 22/12/2021 14:33

My boyfriend and his ex are in some sort of strange friendship still. She's a pain to be honest. But my boyfriend allows her to check in with him. She also was the one who ended their relationship and mu boyfriend was heartbroken and was in a mess after for a long time.

As soon as she saw him trying to be happy and move on she started playing the concerned friend. Are these women good for you? I don't trust women etc. He didn't see it as an issue. He sees her as someone he remains friends with and she just cares. But it's not the case. She's made comments on me and he still can't see it.

I think men in particular have a hard time letting go of someone familiar. Your ex clearly has an emotional bond with you still and wants to be there for you. This could be guilt. Him feeling responsible for you still. It could just be him trying to respectful and loving as you share a child. But it's clearly too much for you. You absolutely need to nip this in the bud before either of you attempt to move forwards into other relationships. My boyfriend has nearly ruined us more than once by the ties he still has with his ex.

Good luck

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 15:29

That sounds really annoying for you @Strawbz8988

Also she does sound a bit like my ex. I think the reason he stays in contact with me is that he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to. He’s driven everyone away with his obsession with QAnon etc.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 15:39

The app suggested looks really good. But it would cost me about £200 because he won’t agree to use it unless I set the whole thing up inthink.

Strawbz8988 · 22/12/2021 15:42

Yeah I think when you have a child there's more reasons to keep the Communication and it definitely makes sense for 2 parents to respect one another. But naturally overtime people need to learn to break away emotionally.

I think for a long time my boyfriend was cut up and gutted over their relationship. They split in March 2019 and I think just as he met me in September 2020 he was still getting his head around it. He actually tried to end his life 6 weeks before he met me. She stepped into a role of being there for him and calling around his new place. That only stopped in December last year. She's not been around for a year.
Back in the summer she was being quite opinionated on our relationship. It's been very difficult for me as it feels like she didn't want him but doesn't want me to have him now.

I think that's why I replied to your post. Because I can see how in the long run his communication could make things difficult for any new partner you have. It's really not fair or a healthy place to be in. I wish with my whole heart that one day she cuts him off or he cuts her off. I know she's stopping him fully focusing on being happy with me. Not because he still wants her but she keeps emotionally prodding him and he is unable to see how unhealthy it all is.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 15:56

Yes I can completely see how that could be the case.

He is still the same with his ex-wife too to an extent. They have two grown up children and she blocks him so he gets around the block by calling her from withheld numbers. He does it to tell her things like 'don't get the covid vaccine' and things like that.

Strawbz8988 · 22/12/2021 16:03

My boyfriend was told he had fear of abandonment and didn't cope with loosing connections the way most would. I'm not sure whether you boyfriend is lonely. My boyfriend was close to his mum who died 20 years ago. He's never bonded with his dad and has lost touch with his brother and adult kids grew up with their mum. He's got alot of broken relationships so I believe the ex was someone he has tried to cling too as she was his support where his family were unavailable. It's all very strange. Has your ex got supportive role models around him?

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 16:44

@Itsnotover

The app suggested looks really good. But it would cost me about £200 because he won’t agree to use it unless I set the whole thing up inthink.

It's a pain, but if you can manage to find the money, worth every penny.

He is still the same with his ex-wife too to an extent. They have two grown up children and she blocks him so he gets around the block by calling her from withheld numbers.

For your own peace of mind, this is the way to establish & hold your boundaries. And if he tries the same withheld-number trick on you, you simply delete the messages & don't respond. You have zero obligation to answer anything from him that doesn't concern arrangements for DD, via the software app only.

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 16:45

@Strawbz8988

Whatever his reasons, it's no longer OP's problem. She doesn't need to be thinking about him or analysing his behaviours. She only needs to prevent them from affecting her, by establishing a serious hard boundary, & maintaining it.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 16:46

Thank you, yes I’m going to get the app I think. £200 is worth less stress in my life

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 16:51

Well done OP.
If you stick to your guns with it, it could be a gamechanger for you :)

Strawbz8988 · 22/12/2021 17:01

She doesn't need to analyse his behaviour if she doesn't want to. I'm just writing a post back in response to what she's written. He harasses his exes. So I've quite simply said he could be clinging to them if he has no support. Which might in turn help not feel guilty if he has pushed others away.

ImmutableSexQueen · 22/12/2021 17:06

Sex. They've had you before, they don't see why they shouldn't have you again. I'm autistic, too, and had sex with the ex for years after the split. If you really want him to behave you need to enforce your boundaries. 'Sorry, I have to go now' if he talks about anything but the child.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2021 17:35

Your boundaries are actually for you. They are your line for the behaviour you will accept from others.

He is never going to respect any boundary you set. So set them for yourself and the minute he tries to overstep them, walk away.

Whenever possible, have someone else pick up and drop-off the kids. Never invite him into your home or go into his. Block him on everything except a burner phone and never respond to anything unless it's to do with child arrangements.

Stop worrying about being being mean or upsetting him. He is an asshole who is using your good nature to take the piss out of you. I get that you dont want to be on bad terms with your kids father but...you can never actually be on good terms with someone who does not have any respect for you.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 20:23

@ImmutableSexQueen

No, the reason we broke up is that he can no longer have sex with me in case he 'catches spike proteins' from the covid vaccine apparently so it's not that.

I have told him I want to use this app and he's arguing with me and telling me I'm not being adult.

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