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Original poster

In laws for xmas dinner anyone?

35 replies

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 19:47

My husband is getting increasingly stressed about his parents, brother, sil and niece over for xmas day.

Am not looking forward to them coming as am menopausal so not in the mood for any !

Problem is his brother and his golden child are blatantly favoured. Fil & bil regularly go to sporting events, meals, drinks together but husband (lives 40 mins away & he is happy to travel so no worries/hassle on their part) is not invited.

When husband does join them, they blatantly talk about all the things they have done together, he has not gone to and not been invited to.

He blatantly favours sil too who is passively aggressive & hardly speaks when we meet. I have tried all my life to be thoughtful, buy nice thoughtful pressies and cook lovely dinners & wait on them hand and foot when they visit. I really cant and dont want to play the beg role any more!!

How do i cope when we are doing a slap up dinner for xmas and my husband and/or I are effectively excluded/barbed by not being included?

The golden child is cute and quite rude unfortunately (and the focus of 98 % of the chat) and my beautiful children are also sidelined to the glory that is grandchild 3.

  1. How do I help my husband cope as it clearly stresses & upsets him
  2. not explode in my menopausal state
  3. let my kids have a bit of attention from the grandparents?

🤔🤷🏻‍♀️🤶🏻

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2021 19:57

Why are you both doing this to yourselves and your kids? Surely there's a cut off point for expecting anything but scraps from them?

RantyAunty · 21/12/2021 20:01

Why are you having them over for Christmas dinner?

Thought the precious brother would want to do that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2021 20:02

I was going to ask that self same question.

Stop putting yourselves in the line of fire and cancel their visit. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and his is scapegoat. As a result you people as his own family are also scapegoated.

If your parents are nice and emotionally healthy I would concentrate your efforts on them.

ANameChangeAgain · 21/12/2021 20:05

Why are you doing this?
If you allow them to treat you like this then they will continue. Cancel now whilst they can still pick up a turkey.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2021 20:05

Brother in law and his family are the golden chosen ones. It’s a role also not without price but they are unaware of this.

World suggest you read up about narcissistic family structures.

Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 20:14

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Brother in law and his family are the golden chosen ones. It’s a role also not without price but they are unaware of this.

World suggest you read up about narcissistic family structures.

Yes i did wonder if they were narcissists, good point as they dont mix much with anyone else! 😜🙏🏼
OP posts:
Summersnake · 21/12/2021 20:18

Say no
It’s your choice to have them over
You are adults
You can say no

Itstheweekendyasssss · 21/12/2021 20:20

I could not endure that dynamic!

RantyAunty · 21/12/2021 20:20

Cancel the dinner.

Spend the holiday with people you love and who love you back and treat you well.

JinglingHellsBells · 21/12/2021 20:21

In laws for xmas dinner anyone?

No thanks.
we prefer turkey
Xmas Smile

TooWicked · 21/12/2021 20:23

You know someone in your household could get a positive lateral flow test tomorrow Wink and you'd have to cancel their visit, wouldn't that be a shame.

ExplodingCarrots · 21/12/2021 20:25

Honesty Op, why do you do this to yourselves ? Are you desperate for their validation ?
If it's causing your DH real stress then make this the last Xmas you host them .
I never understand why people force themselves to spend time with people they dislike just because it's Xmas.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2021 20:30

Your husband still seeks their approval from his parents, approval they will never give him. He has been trained from childhood to put their needs first with his own dead last.

Please do not host such horrible people, you will not be thanked and your efforts will not be appreciated. You two will be lined up at some point, if that process has not already started, to become the in-laws carers.

Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 20:33

@JinglingHellsBells

In laws for xmas dinner anyone?

No thanks.
we prefer turkey
Xmas Smile

That is brilliant! 🎉
OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 21/12/2021 20:36

Why do you invite these people over? Just leave them to go to golden balls/BIL’s.

Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 20:37

@TooWicked

You know someone in your household could get a positive lateral flow test tomorrow Wink and you'd have to cancel their visit, wouldn't that be a shame.
My husband really loves them despite him being 3rd best - its so frustrating to be part of!
OP posts:
Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 20:38

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Your husband still seeks their approval from his parents, approval they will never give him. He has been trained from childhood to put their needs first with his own dead last.

Please do not host such horrible people, you will not be thanked and your efforts will not be appreciated. You two will be lined up at some point, if that process has not already started, to become the in-laws carers.

True and God no!
OP posts:
SunnySideDownBriefly · 21/12/2021 20:38

When we have to endure this kind of situation, I make a pact with my husband and we are 100% there for each other as a team. I sit next to him and our kids and if the conversation keeps excluding us then we start our own. We make sure WE have a nice time together because we are still there for one another. I know it sounds weird but it does work.

Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 20:40

@RantyAunty

Why are you having them over for Christmas dinner?

Thought the precious brother would want to do that.

They live together so feel we should host for a bit to share the load. ;)
OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/12/2021 20:41

Could you not fake a positive lateral flow test so they can’t come?

It sounds utterly horrendous and don’t know why you would want them. Your port dh and dc

EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/12/2021 20:41

Poor not port

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/12/2021 20:42

Tell them to fuck off and die.
I loathe christmas and never do it. Eventually people stopped asking which was the result I was hoping for.
I see people at other times of the year which isn't the christmas tinder box.

mbosnz · 21/12/2021 20:43

They live together so feel we should host for a bit to share the load. ;)

Or, an alternative viewpoint: they've had the best of them, they can take the rest of them.

Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 20:44

@SunnySideDownBriefly

When we have to endure this kind of situation, I make a pact with my husband and we are 100% there for each other as a team. I sit next to him and our kids and if the conversation keeps excluding us then we start our own. We make sure WE have a nice time together because we are still there for one another. I know it sounds weird but it does work.
That sounds lovely aw what a family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

I feel like I should put our kids next to them so they get a chance to get to know them and I want husband to see his parents while they are alive and healthy but it does upset him/me as he's v grumpy before and after but he won't admit he's hurt unfortunately 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/12/2021 20:46

@mbosnz

They live together so feel we should host for a bit to share the load. ;)

Or, an alternative viewpoint: they've had the best of them, they can take the rest of them.

100% fantastic point, that's what I sort of think but cos I love my husband I feel like I should encourage relations with his family no matter how it affects me
OP posts:
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