In laws for xmas dinner anyone?

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

My husband is getting increasingly stressed about his parents, brother, sil and niece over for xmas day.

Am not looking forward to them coming as am menopausal so not in the mood for any !

Problem is his brother and his golden child are blatantly favoured. Fil & bil regularly go to sporting events, meals, drinks together but husband (lives 40 mins away & he is happy to travel so no worries/hassle on their part) is not invited.

When husband does join them, they blatantly talk about all the things they have done together, he has not gone to and not been invited to.

He blatantly favours sil too who is passively aggressive & hardly speaks when we meet. I have tried all my life to be thoughtful, buy nice thoughtful pressies and cook lovely dinners & wait on them hand and foot when they visit. I really cant and dont want to play the beg role any more!!

How do i cope when we are doing a slap up dinner for xmas and my husband and/or I are effectively excluded/barbed by not being included?

The golden child is cute and quite rude unfortunately (and the focus of 98 % of the chat) and my beautiful children are also sidelined to the glory that is grandchild 3.

1. How do I help my husband cope as it clearly stresses & upsets him
2. not explode in my menopausal state
3. let my kids have a bit of attention from the grandparents?

🤔🤷🏻‍♀️🤶🏻

@JinglingHellsBells

In laws for xmas dinner anyone?

No thanks.
we prefer turkey

I don't know.... Turkey is fairly dry, in laws may be moister

*lighthearted
Add some laxatives to the gravy up their end of the table.
Shame if they have to leave early with a dicky tummy. Maybe they won't risk your cooking again.
Win win.

Life is too short for this. Don't let them spoil Christmas for your children, having to watch their precious cousin being indulged whilst they are ignored. Cancel first thing tomorrow & they still have time to shop.
The "PCR" can come back negative in time for New Year if your dh really wants to see them.

He may well love his parents no matter how crap they actually are but they have really made the terrible choice not to love. They are not built that way and his own inertia too when it comes to them hurts him as much as you people as his family. Your idea about you wanting him to see his parents whilst they are still healthy is deeply flawed at best and will delay his recovery from their abuses of him at worst.

Do not keep on subjecting your kids to these people. They are not interested in your children and do not want to know them.

You will be lined up by them at some point to be their carers. Neither of you can say no to these people and you are both mired in fear, obligation and guilt. All of this keeps you and in turn your kids within this dysfunctional dynamic where they see the two of you as their parents get scapegoated and otherwise disrespected.

Your husband ideally needs to see a BACP registered therapist re his family of origin or at the very least read up about the roles of scapegoats within narcissistic family structures. YouTube has some good information on NPD as well.

I wouldn’t be putting your children next to them, they will pick up on being ignored

How awful. My granny favoured other cousins above me. We’d get given money for gifts and I would always get less. It would be £5 instead of £10 so no big sums but it always stung, and it still does now. I would have been glad to not have seen her as much as we did, as it made me feel like crap. My own mum was her father’s golden child while he was alive, she’s a narcissist herself so did not have the emotional intelligence to protect me or talk to me about this weird dynamic.

Talk to your children, help them with this situation because generally kids think it’s their fault.

Next year, perhaps suggest a pub meal or something on neutral ground where you don’t have to also be subservient to them. Hats off to you for doing this for your husband, he’s very lucky to have you as many wives would not put up with this. Good luck!

I am familiar with this dynamic, don’t put yourselves through it, you have a great opportunity to have a lovely day with just yourselves - take it.

I appreciate your dh desire to connect with his family it’s absolutely soul destroying where it’s not a natural thing that just happens but it can be managed, much better to meet them outside of a group situation where the usual patterns of enmeshment are disrupted.

Some obviously light hearted advice OP!

I would honestly cancel and meet up for a quick coffee another day. Your husband will never gain the approval he craves. It’s just a waste of time and money hosting them.

If you can’t cancel I would shine a light on their behaviour throughout the meal in the guise of having good old Xmas fun.

So:

1. Have a load of party poppers to hand.

Instruct the children to let off a popper and shout ‘Merry Xmas’ every time they try to speak to in laws but are ignored. You say ‘Ooh the children are full of beans today. Badly behaved? Nooo children enjoying themselves is what Xmas is all about. They are just so excited to see you all.’

1. Every time ILs start talking about events you weren’t invited to say ‘Sounds like a lovely time. Now where was our invite? Have we offended you or something? No? So why didn’t we get an invite? We’re beginning to think you don’t like us or something’. And pull a comic face.

1. Every time they make a favourable comment about cousin say ‘Ooh it must run in the family DD/S also did abc ..,’ If they ignore you cue children and another party popper.

You’ve nothing to lose. They’re poor company, they couldn’t care less about you and they won’t have left DH any money in their will.

If they live together then that is maybe why they are so close? Including being close to their child?

It sounds like if it makes your DH feel bad then try and minimise these get togethers and avoid during big occasions as it will just ruin it for you and your DH.

My parents are great on paper but so controlling and full of advice and criticism that makes a lot of get togethers an ordeal rather than a pleasure. I minimise contact and journal to combat feelings of inadequacy. It helps.

@JinglingHellsBells

In laws for xmas dinner anyone?

No thanks.
we prefer turkey

I like my in-laws, but I couldn't eat a whole one.