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Original poster

Seperated Man - Taking things slowly?

32 replies

Sammybammy123 · 21/12/2021 16:28

Hey guys
34/F matched with 36/M
Met on Bumble but actually he went to School with a friend from Uni

Met him about four five weeks ago
Normal chat - Nil red flags

Met for coffee about a month ago, then the next weekend went a walk with his dog, weekend after that went for dinner and he paid, on Sunday there went a walk with the dog again!

Text message wise he is OK between dates - 50/50 initiation

Nil conversation about going forwards
We have not even kissed or touched
He seems very shy

He seperated from his wife last year - they now live apart, but co share his dog. My friends ans I have trolled instagram and nil wedding ring on finger since he said he split. BUT he has told one lie about how long they have lived apart. He told me in was last September, but it was this March 2021.

He says split was amicable and they should never have got married. Seems fairly civil on social media - nil recent photos together and she has apparently met someone else.

I asked him on date 3 about divorce going forward and he said they will be speaking with lawyers in due course.

Few things that are making me unsteady

  1. Nil kiss or touching? Am I just used to fuckbois and is this how normal respectful men date
  2. is it normal for delay in divorce like this? I feel a bit unsettled he is still married but it all seems kosher. They have split.

Any advice going forward?

End of 4th date I asked if he wanted to see me again after Christmas and he was like ‘Yeah definately’ but STILL no kiss!

OP posts:
spotcheck · 21/12/2021 16:32

How do you know the living apart was a lie?
Perhaps one stayed elsewhere while house was being sold/ whatever...
Frankly though, you and your friends hyper vigilance in combing through his social media is a bit worrying.

And if he's shy and you want to kiss him, KISS HIM!!!

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 21/12/2021 16:33

am I OK to do that? Just kiss him?
Ive never had someone move that slow before 😂😂😂

OP posts:
FabulousMrFifty · 21/12/2021 16:34

is this how normal respectful men date

A bit slower, yes.
You can kiss him, he won’t die or run off

Penguinwaddler · 21/12/2021 17:39

Maybe he hasn't dated much since the separation and is just taking things a bit slowly/being slightly more cautious?

quietinhere · 21/12/2021 17:45

Worst case scenario is that he might be using you to fill his time and has no real inclination to move the relationship forward.
Best case scenario is that he's a genuinely nice man who is a bit shy.
You find out by making the move yourself, but gently!

YRGAM · 21/12/2021 17:45

You don't have to wait for him to make the first move - in fact given what you've described about him I'd just get on and plant one on him!

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 21/12/2021 17:47

Ok ladies - when I see him
After christmas I will pounce 😂

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 21/12/2021 17:49

Yes, kiss him !

Winniemarysarah · 21/12/2021 17:49

He’s probably feeling a bit strange being with a new woman for the first time after his wife. I think it’s up to you to make the first move

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 21/12/2021 18:47

This is all news to me -

Is four dates and seeing each other for a month quite a bit thing for a guy? Like will he be seeing me as relationship material?

I am so used to guys just wanting hookups I cannot understand it 😂

OP posts:
FabulousMrFifty · 22/12/2021 11:09

If he not after a quick hookup, then he is just being cautious and seeing where things go

ilovechocolateandcake · 22/12/2021 11:23

I had to kiss my boyfriend first as after 6 dates he hadn't!! He was just shy / anxious.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 22/12/2021 12:32

Thanks
ladies for some reassurance here

I will keep things going and just kiss him the next time i see him x

OP posts:
DeclineandFall · 22/12/2021 12:36

Re the divorce. I have more than one set of friends that stay married for years after splitting until there was an actual need to get divorced eg one of them wanted to remarry. Generally they couldn't be arsed with the faff and they all got along anyway.

Squeezyhug · 22/12/2021 13:08

My thoughts on this are that he says it was an amicable split but she may have initiated it and he maybe thought he was happily married.

This happened to a male friend and it took him a few years to get over it. He spent a couple of years on his own, not dating.
However, not everyone is ok being alone and the first reaction might be to join a dating site ( and end up in a rebound relationship).
Mar 2021 is not that long ago.

I would say he’s either shell-shocked or shy.

So OP, I think you need to make the first move with the kiss and you’ll know from his reaction.

Musttryharder2021 · 22/12/2021 13:23

@Sammybammy123

This is all news to me -

Is four dates and seeing each other for a month quite a bit thing for a guy? Like will he be seeing me as relationship material?

I am so used to guys just wanting hookups I cannot understand it 😂

It's impossible to know what he is thinking, you'd need to ask him that (for clarification). He may or may not be looking for another 'serious' relationship unless he has explicitly stated so. I'd also be wondering if marriage is important to you, would he be walking down that path again in the future?
Dixiechickonhols · 22/12/2021 13:54

Law is changing re divorce to no fault but has been delayed. Lots are waiting for that. If it’s amicable they’d have to wait until 2 years separated anyway to file for divorce unless one wants to blame other for unreasonable behaviour. So not unusual to separate and not file immediately. Financial reasons too - big court fee payable. I’d not see a red flag there. Obviously longer term he needs to sort I wouldn’t live with or have kids with a married man but you are a long way off that.
Kiss thing. I’d initiate next time. Maybe say I really like you can I kiss you. Good luck.

Neveragain85 · 22/12/2021 14:36

On the divorce I would ask when he intends to start the process. I have spent a number of years waiting for my separated bf to divorce, he ended up in a lengthy & emotionally draining court battle. Basically his ex calls the shots almost a decade after their split & dictated it all. I was told at the beginning it was almost done, just the finances to sort...it took 4 years. You need to understand how he sees his divorce & whether this fits in with what you want from the relationship

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 22/12/2021 14:53

So with regards to the divorce you see exhaustion in his eyes - Nil anger or bitterness at all and they still see each other regularly as they co parent the dog.

He told me the split was in Summer 2020 - when they both decided the marriage was not working and perusing social media it definately affiliates with this.

She has met someone else and appears happy.
He is looking to move on but I have no idea regarding marriage.

In my 20s I was engaged and I called off the wedding, if I am honest marriage terrifies me and the reason my LTR did not work out after that was because he wanted marriage and I did not.

I am more than happy to not get married.

As we are just getting to know each other I have not brought up anything regarding relationship and what he is looking for. Also nothing physical has happened!
He is getting a bit more flirty.

My instinct is that he wants to move on and likes being in a relationship (he admits this 18 months or so is the longest time he is single). Whether it is with me or another is another matter.

I spoke to my Dad about divorce and he said it was the best thing my own Mum and Dad did - he said everyone treats it like a bad thing but it really can be a celebration for some. My Mum and Dad remain friends to this day.

I have never dealt with this before but all the messages have really helped me. I also clearly have never dealt with a man who has not wanted to have sex with me on date 1-3 so this is a novelty also.

My divorced girl friend went through dating as a seperated getting a divorce person and she explained alot from his point of view. She said it can be draining and also he will be wanting to protect me from alot of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 22/12/2021 14:56

It appears he was genuinely unhappy in the marriage and I have no doubt it was neither of their faults - except the social pressure of getting married and just going along with it. Definately a ‘no fault’ situation.

I get the impression he is very very shy

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 22/12/2021 15:01

@Neveragain85

On the divorce I would ask when he intends to start the process. I have spent a number of years waiting for my separated bf to divorce, he ended up in a lengthy & emotionally draining court battle. Basically his ex calls the shots almost a decade after their split & dictated it all. I was told at the beginning it was almost done, just the finances to sort...it took 4 years. You need to understand how he sees his divorce & whether this fits in with what you want from the relationship
He said looking to start process ASAP - they had a talk About it a few weeks Ago And looking to see lawyers into the new year x
OP posts:
Dearblossom · 22/12/2021 15:02

My chap was only 6 months separated when we first met and was terrified of getting involved again, 4 years later he isn't yet divorced, had re-found himself (and is sexier for it) but his ex/w is engaged to someone else and the current thinking is, well she can pay for it then! (We are older, in no rush and done with baby making.)

Now then, he wasn't terrified of kissing though Grin

Can I suggest you have the perfect excuse right now to test his snogging skills .... mistletoe!

ElectraBlue · 22/12/2021 15:25

I would fell very uncomfortable if the person I have started seeing was obsessing about my social media feed and extrapolating just based on that that I have told a 'lie' about my divorce. Or that they would start questioning all the aspects of my divorce and even making marriage plans in their heads...

In fact I would run as fast as I could.

I think you need to relax a bit, you are just at the beginning of getting to know this man. He has not even made a move on you and certainly has not given you any kind of commitment so slow down!

He probably want to take his time so soon after a divorce. I would also not take up the advice of 'pouncing' on him...if he is a bit nervous about things let him get him comfortable first.

In fact I think you need to still be dating other guys at this stage as it will mean you being a bot more relaxed about the process rather than putting all your energy and focus to this guy so early on.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 22/12/2021 15:33

@ElectraBlue

I would fell very uncomfortable if the person I have started seeing was obsessing about my social media feed and extrapolating just based on that that I have told a 'lie' about my divorce. Or that they would start questioning all the aspects of my divorce and even making marriage plans in their heads...

In fact I would run as fast as I could.

I think you need to relax a bit, you are just at the beginning of getting to know this man. He has not even made a move on you and certainly has not given you any kind of commitment so slow down!

He probably want to take his time so soon after a divorce. I would also not take up the advice of 'pouncing' on him...if he is a bit nervous about things let him get him comfortable first.

In fact I think you need to still be dating other guys at this stage as it will mean you being a bot more relaxed about the process rather than putting all your energy and focus to this guy so early on.

  • not making marriage plans in my head. I do not want to get married.
  • I have checked his social media out of protection to verify he is infact seperated as I would never want to be involved with a man who has a female in their lives.
  • I had no intention of pouncing on him.
  • I am dating one other man at present also.

I am merely seeking advice for an unusual situation I have found myself in.

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 22/12/2021 19:22

Good luck OP
I hope it works out.
A relative of mine is separated from their husband for 14 years but have not divorced. They do live in Ireland and are nominally Catholic though.