I've not handled this well, but I don't know how else to

[AnneSally2]

I've been with my partner 18 months, we're long distance, obviously with covid haven't been seeing one another much.

About 3 weeks ago something very upsetting happened to me (I was in an encounter in the street with a man who tried to attack me, nothing happened, I got away but still very frightening).
I was upset because I texted partner to tell her but she didn't ring me or seem concerned, just said 'oh that's odd' or something then changed the subject. I told her how upset I was and she apologised and seemed to understand.

When we first got together, partner accidentally injured me (and it was an accident, I realise not partner's fault at all, partially mine, just both of us were daft).I've been struggling with the after effects of this, and messaged partner a week or so ago saying I was. Again no 'phone call, partner was at friend's drinking.

Night before last I brought it up that I felt like partner didn't care as hadn't called me when I'd said I were struggling.

For context, although twice in quick succession, I am generally a very happy, content, happy-go-lucky person despite having been through a lot in terms of abusive relationships before this one, this isn't my usual thing at all.

So when I brought up how I felt, that I felt partner didn't care as seemed to not be concerned when I was upset, whereas if partner was upset I'd have rang (or offered to if there was other factors such as them being busy/at work etc involved),partner texted back and forth and I struggled understanding some of the messages, partner isnt very articulate and some made no sense to me so I said 'please call me when you can/want because these messages are confusing me.

Partner had been drinking with family at their house, and messaged saying 'I'll be home in 20 mins' so I thought would ring me.
I waited, messaged saying okay' then got a message saying 'Im in bed sorry if I fall asleep'.

The following day, message saying 'sorry I fell asleep' and another few messages about random irrelevant things, which I ignored.

I then got a mesg saying 'am I in the bad books' and 'sorry I've really upset you'
I've been busy all day, I run a business which is having its ups and downs, so haven't responded but what I really want, which Ive already stipulated, is a 'phone call to sort such things out.

Am I being a needy, annoying girlfriend? I can't fathom as if I knew my partner was upset and needed someone I'd do my best to be there. I told partner it felt like they'd looked at the message and thought 'Yeh my gf is upset but I am enjoying this beer too much so nevermind' which I'd never do!

We've not spoken and I've ignored the messages, just hoping partner would note that my last message was 'please ring' and realise that's what's needed by me.

I don't know.
WWYD?

I'm sorry but your partner appears to have checked out of the relationship. Not totally unreasonable as the entirety of the long distance relationship has been during covid. But, you're not being needy, just expecting more than your partner's willing to give. 💐

If you need to talk to your partner, why aren’t you simply ringing her? If I am texted by partner, friend, child, that usually means they want to discuss the issue over text, not in a phone call. So I would not pick up on the hint that a text = call me by phone.

The one incident where you texted her to ask her to call you, but she was out drinking/drunk is a bit of a one off. Annoying, but the larger pattern is why are you texting her when what you want is to talk to her?

Thanks for responding.

It's odd-she's saying she wants to move to be with me in the new year. And that some of the issues will iron out if we do that. But I know what you're saying. :(

@EmpressCixi

If you need to talk to your partner, why aren’t you simply ringing her? If I am texted by partner, friend, child, that usually means they want to discuss the issue over text, not in a phone call. So I would not pick up on the hint that a text = call me by phone.

The one incident where you texted her to ask her to call you, but she was out drinking/drunk is a bit of a one off. Annoying, but the larger pattern is why are you texting her when what you want is to talk to her?

The first time (when the incident happened) she was at work, although she has the sort of job where taking five mins out to make a 'phone call is very possible, and I really wasn't thinking straight plus the gathering I was walking to at the time, I'd told people and they were buzzing around,went looking for the man etc so a lot going on otherwise I may have done. The second time, I actually asked her to call me and got 'I'll be home in 20 mins' so thought partner would call me.

You’re sending messages with no context. Your partner isn’t understanding how upset you are because they can’t hear you explain. You can’t message someone you don’t live with when they’re drunk on a planned night out and have them come through for you, she’s apologised over and over again for being drunk and falling asleep which isn’t her fault

@Winniemarysarah

You’re sending messages with no context. Your partner isn’t understanding how upset you are because they can’t hear you explain. You can’t message someone you don’t live with when they’re drunk on a planned night out and have them come through for you, she’s apologised over and over again for being drunk and falling asleep which isn’t her fault

Okay.

I had no idea how to navigate this. I did ask her to call, said I didn't understand her messages (she wasn't drunk messaging, just kept flipping from one subject to another and I became confused, I tend to think a call is needed when there's 'real' things to discuss).

I think she could have called me today though knowing she didn't last night :(

Thank you, I do understand where you're coming from and I know, having been in abusive relationships where I've felt worthless, I can project sometimes so perhaps that's what I have done here.

My advice is if you need/want a conversation on the phone, call her. If she doesn’t pick up, then message “need you to call me soonest pls” or similar. She’s apologised so I don’t think we can say definitively that she has checked out or is unwilling. It’s more probable she’s thinking it’s not that serious to you because you’ve only texted/messaged. It’s best to communicate clearly what you want/need from a partner.

18 months, COVID, long distance... This person is not your partner. They are someone you are seeing.

@notagainnotagain

18 months, COVID, long distance... This person is not your partner. They are someone you are seeing.

Okay sorry-is it only a partner if you live together?

@EmpressCixi

My advice is if you need/want a conversation on the phone, call her. If she doesn’t pick up, then message “need you to call me soonest pls” or similar. She’s apologised so I don’t think we can say definitively that she has checked out or is unwilling. It’s more probable she’s thinking it’s not that serious to you because you’ve only texted/messaged. It’s best to communicate clearly what you want/need from a partner.

Thank you, that makes sense.

Agree with Empress, she isn’t necessarily going to know how much you need the call unless you spell it out. Do you feel your past relationships are colouring communication issues here?

Ah, my apologies, I see you did say you specifically wanted a call the night of the drinking. To not call you back the day after shows a certain amount of checking out I think.

Yeah disappointing. I don’t think she’s who you need. She doesn’t sound particularly bright or emotionally connected from how you describe her either.,

@notagainnotagain

18 months, COVID, long distance... This person is not your partner. They are someone you are seeing.

OP, it's not for anybody else to say whether this is your partner or not, you get to define your own relationship. Nobody else knows the intricacies of your relationship/how much time you have spent together/how often your normally speak/how you normally support each other beyond a couple of paragraphs about these particular occasions.

Regarding what you have written, I can understand why you were upset and felt unsupported. However, maybe she just didnt grasp the seriousness of the situation from the texts you had written. I don't know why she wouldn't have called the next day, however she did apologise which gives some hope. You need to have a conversation and spell out clearly how you felt and why you wanted her support, and talk about how you can get it through to her next time. If after having the conversation the same thing happens again, then I would re-evaluate.

They are not your partner, just a friend, and not a supportive one at that. It sounds like they have more of a life going on and you are not the priority level as they are to you. Have you met in real life and established connections? If not it is way too soon to move for a potential relationship.

She’s a shit “partner”. Get rid ASAP. NOTHING would stop me going to see my other half if he needed me.

@LowlandsAway

Agree with Empress, she isn’t necessarily going to know how much you need the call unless you spell it out. Do you feel your past relationships are colouring communication issues here?

Quite possibly. I've had several relationships where people would cut all communication in a punitive way, or truly didn't give two hoots about me, generally. I try my best to not let it affect this one, but I am the first to admit it could happen.

@LowlandsAway

Ah, my apologies, I see you did say you specifically wanted a call the night of the drinking. To not call you back the day after shows a certain amount of checking out I think.

We still had discussions to have, I think. Her response when I finally spoke to her (last night) was 'I didn't see that message until the morning!'

@QuestionNumberOne

Yeah disappointing. I don’t think she’s who you need. She doesn’t sound particularly bright or emotionally connected from how you describe her either.,

That is definitely true of her. She has a lot of good points, is kind, generous, caring and easy going but...she is quite straightforward and emotionally not very open.

@LIZS

They are not your partner, just a friend, and not a supportive one at that. It sounds like they have more of a life going on and you are not the priority level as they are to you. Have you met in real life and established connections? If not it is way too soon to move for a potential relationship.

Yes we have. I am FAR, far busier than her in my life too, her life is more 'eat, drink, work, sleep' whereas I have my business, an almost fulltime job too, several hobbies and other things...We have spent a lot of time together, had weekends away, spent time with friends, stayed at one another's houses a lot, done a lot together really and we message back and forth all day mostly, and video call when we're not together. We see one another about every 2 weeks, sometimes more and sometimes less often.

@NotaCoolMum

She’s a shit “partner”. Get rid ASAP. NOTHING would stop me going to see my other half if he needed me.

I'm like this too. If she needed me and I couldn't physically be there Id be doing whatever else I could to support. Maybe that's our differences :(

Alexandria thank you (it won't let me quote you for some reason). I guess I say partner because of the longevity, future plans, we've spent time with one another's families and friends, speak (text) on and off most days, our lives do tend to revolve around seeing one another etc but I do use the term interchangeably with girlfriend, too.

“My advice is if you need/want a conversation on the phone, call her. If she doesn’t pick up, then message “need you to call me soonest pls” or similar. She’s apologised so I don’t think we can say definitively that she has checked out or is unwilling. It’s more probable she’s thinking it’s not that serious to you because you’ve only texted/messaged. It’s best to communicate clearly what you want/need from a partner.”

I know you’ve already acknowledged this but it’s so important. There are many threads on here about misunderstandings/rows/hurt feelings which have happened because people have tried to communicate complex things by text. It just doesn’t work. I’ve noticed that my teenaged DDs now communicate a lot by voice note. That seems much more effective if you can’t speak directly. At least you can communicate nuance and tone of voice.

Sorry for all you’ve been through, OP, and hope you feel better soon.

“ When we first got together, partner accidentally injured me (and it was an accident, I realise not partner's fault at all, partially mine, just both of us were daft).I've been struggling with the after effects of this”

Can you tell us more about this? Is it along the lines of ‘I twisted my wrist and it still hurts sometimes’ or more like ‘she smothered me during sex and I keep having flashbacks’? Sorry if this seems a bit over dramatic but it just raised my eyebrow a bit and your past history of abuse suggests your boundaries may not be as firm as they need to be …

She sounds a bit thick to me. Is this what you want? How often do you see each other?