I've not handled this well, but I don't know how else to

[AnneSally2]

I've been with my partner 18 months, we're long distance, obviously with covid haven't been seeing one another much.

About 3 weeks ago something very upsetting happened to me (I was in an encounter in the street with a man who tried to attack me, nothing happened, I got away but still very frightening).
I was upset because I texted partner to tell her but she didn't ring me or seem concerned, just said 'oh that's odd' or something then changed the subject. I told her how upset I was and she apologised and seemed to understand.

When we first got together, partner accidentally injured me (and it was an accident, I realise not partner's fault at all, partially mine, just both of us were daft).I've been struggling with the after effects of this, and messaged partner a week or so ago saying I was. Again no 'phone call, partner was at friend's drinking.

Night before last I brought it up that I felt like partner didn't care as hadn't called me when I'd said I were struggling.

For context, although twice in quick succession, I am generally a very happy, content, happy-go-lucky person despite having been through a lot in terms of abusive relationships before this one, this isn't my usual thing at all.

So when I brought up how I felt, that I felt partner didn't care as seemed to not be concerned when I was upset, whereas if partner was upset I'd have rang (or offered to if there was other factors such as them being busy/at work etc involved),partner texted back and forth and I struggled understanding some of the messages, partner isnt very articulate and some made no sense to me so I said 'please call me when you can/want because these messages are confusing me.

Partner had been drinking with family at their house, and messaged saying 'I'll be home in 20 mins' so I thought would ring me.
I waited, messaged saying okay' then got a message saying 'Im in bed sorry if I fall asleep'.

The following day, message saying 'sorry I fell asleep' and another few messages about random irrelevant things, which I ignored.

I then got a mesg saying 'am I in the bad books' and 'sorry I've really upset you'
I've been busy all day, I run a business which is having its ups and downs, so haven't responded but what I really want, which Ive already stipulated, is a 'phone call to sort such things out.

Am I being a needy, annoying girlfriend? I can't fathom as if I knew my partner was upset and needed someone I'd do my best to be there. I told partner it felt like they'd looked at the message and thought 'Yeh my gf is upset but I am enjoying this beer too much so nevermind' which I'd never do!

We've not spoken and I've ignored the messages, just hoping partner would note that my last message was 'please ring' and realise that's what's needed by me.

I don't know.
WWYD?

I’d caution you to think very carefully whether you do want her to move in with you. She’s not a mind reader and perhaps you could have been clearer about what you needed, but at the same time she’s not showing you that you’re her priority. If a friend, let alone a partner, text me like that I would check they were safe and if I wasn’t in the right surroundings to call, I’d say that I would call you and would follow up on that. She’s sounding like she’s living the life of Riley and that’s more important to her.

I also would like to understand what the circumstances were about how she hurt you and the ongoing issues that you have.

OP - why did you choose to have a long distance relationship? Are you two moving to the same location at some defined point?

I think the way you are - you need to date someone who is physically around and can give you the kind of emotional support you need. Long distance can’t give it to you.

Does she always drink such a lot?

@AnneSally2

Thanks for responding.

It's odd-she's saying she wants to move to be with me in the new year. And that some of the issues will iron out if we do that. But I know what you're saying. :(

How does that work then? Is cohabitation going to miraculously cure her of selfishness, or of preferring to drink with her friends instead of ringing an upset g/f?

You aren't her priority

Dery thank you and yes, texts don't really construe messages correctly do they.

I've seen those sorts of threads too.

simonedeeauoirscat rainbowshine We used a sex toy that was too large. I ended up with two horrible kidney infections one after the other from friction/trauma and I still don't feel right 'down there' now, months later. But,I should have known it was too large too. Sorry if TMI.

gloriagayn I feel horrible agreeing but a few people have said that IRL

MMmomDD I guess because I'd been single a long time, branched out into the online dating world, she was the only one I liked out of a good bunch of them. She wants to move to be with me, but I am cautious, I dont want to make someone uproot their life if it isnt going to work but, how can you know that without trying it?

And yes, I do give the attention back that I need, but you're right. I am actually a professional, capable woman, honest but I do like love and need a lot of emotional closeness.

Hen2018 yes. I can't condemn her for liking a drink, I do too, but we drink for very different reasons.EG, if I fancy a few glasses of wine at the pub in the evening, I'll go and have some interesting conversations with friends and a good time, but only if I feel I've 'earned' it, and I'll go late when my day is over if you will. I have a lot of other interests as well. And I'll drink on days/nights out. Sometimes I'll treat myself to a nice bottle of wine and have some before bed while reading or working on things. I like to sort of, 'appreciate' having a drink? I feel like I am justifying it now and I don't mean it that way

She has no other interests really. And her family are all similar, they'll all gather in someone's house and drink anytime they're off work. I've been part of these gatherings and I find them really boring to be honest. They don't really talk to each other, just sit about drinking.

EG if we're not together of a weekend she'll get up and say 'Im off to so and so's house for some beer cos I'm bored'

I'd never write my day off like that. And I am never bored, too much to do and too many interests/hobbies. But I am a lot busier than her too I guess, she has her job and that's about it.

charging I guess her friends wouldn't be close enough? And she says she'd be able to read me better if she was with me, but then,in this situation, she could have easily still been at work or out somewhere without me, cohabitation doesn't mean 24/7 in one another's pockets does it?

It sounds like she doesn't care about you very much. I'm not surprised you feel upset.

18 months in and the level of communication is this poor, it sounds like out of sight out of mind and you aren’t a priority when you’re physically not around. Her moving closer to you doesn’t sound like the success you both expect it to be.