Mum often says hurtful things to me, I think unintentionally

[AllIsCalmAllIsBright]

I'm in my 20s and my Mum and I are quite close. But ever since I was a teenager there have been instances where she has said things that are quite hurtful and yet quite ridiculous and inaccurate. I never know how to respond so I just stay quiet.

Today I was chatting with her about one of my best friends and I mentioned that she hasn't been a little distant recently and it's mainly been me reaching out. My friend and I are both single and my friend has shown no interest in dating. Yet my Mum then said that my friend had probably got a boyfriend and was far too busy with him to speak to me. It's such a huge leap of assumptions and conclusions with no evidence yet it stung as I know she said it with the underlying frustration that I'm "still" single.

Her friend has a daughter around the same age as me. My Mum loves to tell me how beautiful she is and 'drop dead gorgeous'. I've never had a compliment from my Mum on my appearance even at events, so to see her be so lavish with praise with other people is really hurtful. The compliments are always really over the top.

She also makes lots of other little digs. Like when I was ill off of work I said how I felt guilty and she said the team probably didn't even notice I wasn't there? Or when I left a job and saw a colleague in the supermarket she said they probably have forgotten me already.

She is one of those people who everyone thinks is really kind, quiet and nice, even me. So these kind of comments always take me by surprise.

Am I being too sensitive?

They are underhand barbs. They are carefully pitched so that despite throwing you off balance or feeling like a slight, they are vague enough that there is plausible deniability that anything negative was intended.

That’s what it sounds like to me. I have a family member like this and spent my 20s confused about why they would say upsetting things (always delivered in a cheery, blasé way though) and wondering if I was just oversensitive, etc. Nowadays I have created distance with them as I now know that it’s not normal and I feel better when I spend less time with them – spending less time with them makes it all the more obvious when I see them, and they make some underhand sly dig, that the problem is definitely them.

It’s a way of controlling people and situations (a bit like ‘begging’, it throws people off balance), controlling the dynamic, offloading negative emotions on you, etc.

*Negging not begging!!!

Ok, so honest first impression before I read the comments was that she is trying to respond to your worries in the best way she can - and in her view, it's to minimise them. If her mother is cold then she likely wouldn't have learnt to talk about things and offer support and empathy at home. That understandably might not be what you need, but I'm not sure she's malicious tbh. Regarding your friend, is it the case that you feel inferior to her to start with? It sounds to me like your mother might be similar, it's often the case when people behave so adoringly towards others. So in other words, you might be sensitive to begin with when it comes to her. Your mother might be too. Her behaviour might not be about you at all, she might not be aiming to make you feel inferior by praising someone else.

Obviously I know this goes against many comments on here. Ultimately it's hard to say without spending time with both of you and watching your interactions. Have you spoken to her openly at all about how these comments make you feel?

@iputthetrampintrampoline
How did you get to the point where you are like teflon to her insults.

All of my mother's distorted perceptions about me still upset and exasperate me. And my father just backs her up which upsets me. He has no mind of his own. He talks to me if he's allowed.

One day I had heard enough from her mouth and that was it. I used to get so upset and tremble and tie myself in knots wondering what on earth i had done, The answer was nothing,I had done nothing and I just shut down,Nothing she says from her nasty mouth can bother me again because I am better,stronger,nicer than she will ever be and I know for a fact she got a kick out of my hurt and fear so I decided just to stop playing her game, I decided she had ruined a lot of my life and I had a choice to make my sanity and well being or being a victim. I had people who care,who loved me and needed and wanted me so I shifted my focus from her to the good people in my life. I see her,I do jobs for her,I just somehow don;t involver her in anything thats important to my life,I do the bare minimum for her that I feel is acceptable and I am almost robotic,really its just going through the motions with her and when she is nasty I say nothing and go home and get on with my life, To be honest I know what she is going to say before she does so I have no need to listen but when it does come out I grin to myself and think there the bitch goes 10 more minutes and I am out of here! And thats precisely what I do! She cannot hurt me anymore with her vileness as I refuse to let her,

@Iputthetrampintrampoline, well done you.

Living your best life and keeping her away from it.

Next time plant a half smile/smirk on her face and say "got to go" and leave.

Will take any pleasure she got from saying nasty things when she sees they dont land.

Well done for not allowing her to take your peace any longer.

Am I being too sensitive

One of the best lessons I've learned, and most life changing, is that there's no such thing as 'too sensitive'. There can't be. If there was, that would mean that somewhere there are guidelines and rules about how sensitive we are 'supposed' to be. But there aren't. We are each more sensitive than some people, and less sensitive than others. It's part of who we are, and it's a feeling. It's no more right or wrong than whether you like or dislike eating kiwi fruit, or doing gardening, or going to the cinema. We can't judge feelings, we just have them, and have to respect them, and deal with them in ways that don't disrespect others. You would never say 'eating kiwi fruit makes me feel sick - am I just being over sensitive?' You'd just respect your feelings, and avoid eating kiwi fruit. 'I really love going to the cinema.. is there something wrong with me?' Nope, you'd never ask that. You'd just go as often as you could.

So, with feelings, if someone makes you feel you're too x/y/z, the reality is that you are too sensitive to enjoy ^that person's behaviour'. It doesn't have to be anything that anybody's doing wrong, but it is something you have to take responsibility for managing. Make distance between yourself and situations that make you feel too x/y/z, that make you feel a bit faulty, that make you feel there's perhaps something wrong with you: there isn't.

In summary, don't change yourself: change the people you spend time with. Choose people who make you feel great. Minimise time with those who don't. Pull back from your Mum a bit. She doesn't have to know. You don't have to spoil your relationship or hurt anybody's feelings or be dramatic. Just have some respect for the bit of you that hurts when she makes these comments. Don't offer yourself up to her so much, in case she puts her foot in it. Avoid hurt.

“Golden Childing” a random relative or acquaintance can be annoying after a while. I’ve been there a few times with my narcissistic mother. Her enthusiasm and compassion and conversation focused on other young people whilst her own daughter can go to the dogs! It can feel very rejecting and unsettling, but it’s hard to put your finger on. Really, they’ve found a new source of “supply” of attention is all.

Have you ever tackled her on this? I couldn’t help but respond if she was bitchy. Don’t feel that you can’t haul her up on it, she is intentionally rude, no way anyone could be that unfeeling.

I’ve found that I have almost completely stopped my mum’s negative comments by saying how I feel.
I used to confront ( in my teens) , she just denied it. Then then I i, but in the last year I started saying
“ Oh I feel so horrible self conscious now that you’ve said that” After a personal remark. Or “I feel so hurt by you saying that “ after she said I was always impatient when I have loads of patience with her.
I think when I let it go she just upped it and said more and more hurtful things, she needed me to make a boundary.

• then I ignored her

It's a good point @TheFoundation
I've always been told I'm too sensitive, but if I am sensitive, then why do things I asked you twice not to do, why call me paranoid? Emotional, sensitive.... !!! shut me down when I try to ask why, why stonewall me?

I've realised in the last few months that the only reaction I'm allowed to have to hurtful behaviour is none

Any reaction at all is sensitive.

@UserBot

It's a good point *@TheFoundation* I've always been told I'm too sensitive, but if I am sensitive, then why do things I asked you twice not to do, why call me paranoid? Emotional, sensitive.... !!! shut me down when I try to ask why, why stonewall me?

I've realised in the last few months that the only reaction I'm allowed to have to hurtful behaviour is none

Any reaction at all is sensitive.

All of this stuff indicates not that you need to be less sensitive, but that you need to be around people who treat you this way a lot less. There are people out there just as sensitive as you, and moreso. There are no rules. People who genuinely love and respect you will accommodate and understand your responses to things. If they don't understand at first, they won't call you names, they'll ask you questions and be supportive, and try to understand why you feel the way you do, even if it's really unusual. If someone has a critical response to you being you, then they are not one of your people, and you need to take responsibility for your own wellbeing and put some space between you and them. Even if they're family.

You're not too sensitive for you, are you. You're too sensitive for them. For their preference. But their preferences don't have permission to mould your personality. Unless you give it to them. Do you decide who you are, or do they?

A nasty narcissistic mother. I had one. Go grey rock with her and live your life without reference to her. She is inadequate, weak and jealous.

Really well put @thefoundation

Completely agree @TheFoundation

Being "too sensitive" is the retort to being challenged by bullies and awful people who like to say nasty things.

It is the type of remark abusive people hide behind IMO.

If someone told me that I had said something upsetting and hurtful to them, my immediate reaction would be to apologise.
An abusive persons reaction is to deny and throw it back on you.

I had to stop talking to my own Mum for about four years to stop this kind of thing. There was other stuff as well but that was a big part. She still does it sometimes but not as much and stops pretty quick when I give her a special Blank Look reserved for such occasions

Good for you @LondonWolf