Mum often says hurtful things to me, I think unintentionally

[AllIsCalmAllIsBright]

I'm in my 20s and my Mum and I are quite close. But ever since I was a teenager there have been instances where she has said things that are quite hurtful and yet quite ridiculous and inaccurate. I never know how to respond so I just stay quiet.

Today I was chatting with her about one of my best friends and I mentioned that she hasn't been a little distant recently and it's mainly been me reaching out. My friend and I are both single and my friend has shown no interest in dating. Yet my Mum then said that my friend had probably got a boyfriend and was far too busy with him to speak to me. It's such a huge leap of assumptions and conclusions with no evidence yet it stung as I know she said it with the underlying frustration that I'm "still" single.

Her friend has a daughter around the same age as me. My Mum loves to tell me how beautiful she is and 'drop dead gorgeous'. I've never had a compliment from my Mum on my appearance even at events, so to see her be so lavish with praise with other people is really hurtful. The compliments are always really over the top.

She also makes lots of other little digs. Like when I was ill off of work I said how I felt guilty and she said the team probably didn't even notice I wasn't there? Or when I left a job and saw a colleague in the supermarket she said they probably have forgotten me already.

She is one of those people who everyone thinks is really kind, quiet and nice, even me. So these kind of comments always take me by surprise.

Am I being too sensitive?

I think intentionally. 💐

No, she's just a dick. She's probably been a dick your whole life for her own reasons.

It's a shame that some mother's aren't really nurturing but it's definitely not you OP.

Perhaps she thinks you are a little too intense about things and tries to diffuse the situation by saying something to make you stop?

I have one like this;
'Oh but insert name works for the NHS, you could do that'
'How much do you weigh now, I'm insert weight you're about a stone heavier than me now aren't you'
'That coat you bought, I got the same one only mine was a size smaller'
Yada yada yada
Drives me fucking mad
She is a prize dick

My Mums a bit like this OP.
Very rarely compliments me. When I get my hair done I may get a ‘ oh you’ve had your hair done’. Nothing else. If she has her hair done she will make sure to fish for a compliment.
I have a lovely friend who is very pretty, my mum adores her and gets excited if said friend is at my house when she is.
It used to annoy me, now I’ve gone past caring.

It actually sounds to me as if she has an odd and rather negative view of life, possibly based on her own experiences? So she has not felt valued by colleagues or her employer, and has been dropped by friends when they found a new boyfriend etc.

Op, some people are horrible people. And it can be hard when we don't see it...when we can't see it for a long time...perhaps because we've been raised with it and it flies under the radar...and perhaps, because we don't want to see it in people we've convinced ourselves, love us. Because truly admitting it to ourselves, hurts.

But you know what hurts more than admitting that someone who is supposed to love us is a shitty human being? Spending our lives listening to them telling us that WE are the failure. And in turn, telling ourselves that.

But by bit we lose ourselves. We may even find ourselves putting ourself down in their presence because it hurts less than than they do it. Does that sound familiar?

You are not 'still' single. You are currently single. Men come and go throughout life. And tbh it is good that you are single atm because you currently are just xoming to terms with the idea that your mother is toxic. And what that means for you and how you view yourself. And until you address this, you may find that you only attract more toxic into your life in the form of men.

There is a long running thread here called 'but we
Took you to stately homes' which you should check out. It is a place for people to discuss the impact their narcissistic parents have had on their lives.

And I'm sorry but, at least on some form, your mother's comments have intent. Intent to bring you down. And that's not a mother, its a monster. I hope you find strength to detach yourself from people who ultimately, have no warmth or kindness and, mean you harm.

Because you deserve the world. And anyone who tells you otherwise, or makes you feel otherwise, they don't deserve to be in your life.

No, sorry to say OP but she’s being deliberately nasty.

I’m sure she loves you and this is probably due to damage inflicted on her as a kid/ low self esteem blah blah, but it’s still toxic.

Put some armour up, and don’t talk to her about anything serious.

I know I am super sensitive when my Mother says things to me, things that if a friend said I may not even notice. Could there be an element of that?
Saying that though, I think you should respond to her comments with querying if she intended to be so rude. If she dismisses your point of view, tell her you are offended and may need to see a little less of her. She needs to treat you with respect.

My Mum got like this when I left home. It was really odd, she spent her life looking after my brother and I, her life revolved around her kids, but it seemed the minute we left home, she thought her work was done. It also got worse the older she got. It was almost like she thought it was her right so say whatever she wanted and to get away with it. She was also very over the top with other people.

I remember her saying I could do with losing a few lbs when we went wedding dress shopping - I was a small size 10!

It was often quite rude comments, I never did pick her up on them, but I remember being quite hurt by her and never really looking forward to seeing her.

I have one of these have had 2 nice comments in 40 years and both times I was so shocked she said them. You have to step back and not tell her anything that way she can’t use your information in a put down , I did she didn’t even notice

My mum is a bit like this and I have understood through therapy that she is a narcissist. I didn’t realise until I was about 40 that how she has treated me all my life is not actually ok, I’ve always thought it was sort of normal or I deserved it or whatever. I’ve come to terms with it now and expect nothing from her, and tell her nothing which has helped.

Its not you, its your mother and she is intentionally trying to drag you down with her into her pit.

Do read and or post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

I think that you need to start filtering the information that you tell your mum. she will store up the info that you tell her and use it inappropriately again in the future. dont give her that opportunity.

My mum is slightly like this. My dad had an affair and it was the worst thing in the world. My dad is the worst person in the world. My marriage has recently broke down due to appalling behaviour by H. I long for my mum to give me a cuddle, tell me she loves me and I'm worth more. She hasn't. She will go as far as saying she still likes H.

It's almost like she gets fed up if I want to talk aborhbH and plays it down yet she could speak to me about my dad all day long.

She always tells me to get my hair cut shorter. Asks me if I would like gym clothes for Xmas - I've put weight on due to antidepressants.

There was one time I was feeling particularly low - suicidal thoughts- I'll never forget it, she told me to cook tea that night as I need to keep busy and do more.

Like you, everyone thinks she is nice and caring, very quiet.

Does she ever tell you she loves you? I was never told as a child. Never shown affection.

If it really bothers you, id recommend some counselling.

Like you, I love my mum, we are close but she has never been the mother i really needed.

If you ever have your own dc, you will no doubt break the cycle and show your dcs what you haven't had from your own mother. In my case, proper love and affection. It's a positive thing that you recognise whats happening so you can be sure you don't pass it on down the line.

you will no doubt break the cycle and show your dcs what you haven't had from your own mother.

See I don't believe this is necessarily true. I think it is very difficult to have insight into how good a mother you are, and the question of how your children experience your parenting (depending on their own personality and disposition) is another matter again. All these mothers who are being labelled narcissists on Mumsnet are probably confident that they are not repeating the failings of their own mothers, and have broken the cycle. All the daughters who are appalled by their own mother's failings are probably oblivious to their own daughters' perception of them.

Basically I suspect Philip Larkin was right!

Ot would be possible to interpret some of those comments in a different light

The one about work not missing you could be seen as trying to help you feel less guilty about being off, the one about the colleague possibly the same if she thought you felt guilty about leaving or not keeping in touch. Friend having a boyfriend is a plausible and common reason why people in their 20s might start to see less of their friends and not necessarily a dig.

I think it's hard to know
Maybe she's a dick, maybe you are over sensitive, maybe it's just a personality clash

What I do know is that if you don't tell her she is hurting you then she won't stop doing it. I would let her know that her comments are hurtful.

My dm has always had underhand digs at me.
When I was a child my Mum endlessly gushed about my pretty friends and would tell me I looked a mess. She places a lot of importance on looks and how people perceive her/the family and she didn't like that I wasn't as 'good looking' as they were.
I spent my childhood with zero self-worth and as a teenager got into trouble with risky behaviours and drinking.
Everyone felt so sorry for my Mum and she would cry to them about what a bad person I was. She would tell them how awful to her I was and would say she couldn't be understand what she'd done to deserve such a horrible daughter. Everyone believed her to be an amazing Mum.
When I moved away to university (after her telling me I shouldn't apply as I was 'too thick') I picked myself up and started looking after myself.
Mum didn't like this either and I could feel jealousy radiating off her as I found friends, lost weight and blossomed.
She did however play the proud Mum and tell people how great I was doing at Uni and tell them I'd got there through her support.
I'm now 40 and my mum still puts me down and has continued to put me down as much as she can, telling me my partner was likely to leave me as I wasn't attractive, telling me I should abort my dc and go and look for a better job, even telling me I should continue smoking as her friend who is often visiting likes to have a cigarette with me when I visit so it looks rude if I don't smoke.

Over the years I've come to realize that she is deeply insecure and a very sad individual.
My revenge has been living well and achieving a kind of peace with myself that she just couldn't comprehend.

Sorry, OP, that was a bit of a rant and not what you were looking for in hindsight.

My DM does this a bit. She's actually incredibly insecure and these are the sort of things she would think about herself. She genuinely thinks by telling me I'm fat she is expressing love and being helpful. Despite now 35 years of me telling her it is horrid.

It helped me a lot to realise that her mum said this shit to her, it probably goes back generations.

I love my mum, I know she loves me but OMG it would be nice if she could at least get over my doorstep without making a negative comment about my weight or what my hair looks like.

I am sorry but it looks like your mum is being intentionally critical.
She is damaging your self-esteem and making you feel like you are not as good as other people.

The next time she makes this type of comments, tell her firmly but calmly that what she just said is hurtful and that you would like not to say this again.

If she genuinely is not aware of what she is doing, she will realise that what she had been saying has been affecting you negatively and she will stop,

But my feeling is that she will just dismiss it and tell you are the one being unreasonable. Your mother might be deep down really insecure and feel resentful of the fact that are growing up and even be jealous of your achievements, especially as you are a woman too, and she might almost see you as 'competition and be trying to sabotage you.

You might need to find validation from friends and partners, and from yourself, rather than expect her to change and also put some distance between you and her so that she does not have the chance to continue to undermine you.

@Anordinarymum

Perhaps she thinks you are a little too intense about things and tries to diffuse the situation by saying something to make you stop?

Hello OP’s mum 👋

This is horrible, you have my sympathy. You need to grow a thick skin as she is trying to hurt you. My mum was the same, awful woman. She loved all of my brothers girlfriends, they were "the most beautiful girls she's ever laid eyes on." When my mum had her children she " wore her old jeans to leave hospital, weight fell off her.... unlike some " constantly belittles me and says how stupid I am. Brother loves winding her up by reminding her that I am the only one if her 5 children with a degree, something she never accomplished.

It's jealously, bitterness and resentment, rise above it. You're worth more. Have a nice Christmas

She’s not good for your mental health. I would limit time spent with her and limit conversation.
Don’t ever attempt to have it out with her. Toxic people like the drama and turn it round on you. Just keep you interactions bland and mildly pleasant. Spend time with people who are not cruel to you.

My mum is the same. I’ve withdrawn from her over the years and feel better for it.