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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We're hanging on till after christmas but then it's over.

41 replies

sosadtoday · 19/12/2007 22:43

I think I just need to get this off my chest as I haven't spoken to anyone about this in rl.
Me and DP just can't get on any more and we've been slowly coming to the decision over the last few weeks that we just can't keep going over the same ground and having the same unresolved arguments. So a few days ago we decided that we would carry on until after christmas for the children then I would move out. I will have to be the one to go as they are not biologically my children although I've done a lot to bring them up over the last 3 years.
I'm just so sad that it's come to this as I really thought that this time everything could work. And it's so difficult because I keep forgetting that we only have a week more together and going to hold his hand or hug him. All I want to do is hold him and never let go. I know he's feeling bad too, last night when he thought I was asleep he kissed me on my cheak in such a tender way, a side of him that I haven't seen for so long now.
I can't even start to think about how I will even cope without my DSCs and what this will do to them. They have been let down so badly by their BM, I don't want this to hurt them more.
I'm just not sure what else we can do to keep this going and if we do how much longer we could drag it out for. I'm just not coping with it at all well today. Couldn't bring myself to go to work as I can't stop crying. Instead I stayed at home and wrapped up all the kids christmas presents. I just can't deal with the fact that this will be the last christmas we will have together. I feel like I'm betraying the children when I write on on them 'from Daddy and ..me..' But I just want them to have a good christmas so they just can't know about this yet.
I apoplgise if this is overly sentimental or lengthy and I'm not necessarily looking for any response. I just want to feel like I have communicated all of this to someone!

OP posts:

SantaBeClausImWorthIt · 19/12/2007 22:45

What a sad post.

But it does sound like you both love each other, or at least have a lot of tenderness for each other. Are you sure it's over?

Have you tried Relate?

discoverlife · 19/12/2007 22:50

Oh that sounds so awful.
It does sound as if there is a chunk of something still there, please suggest relate the doctors, a third party of some kind.

coldtits · 19/12/2007 22:51

Nonononono, go to relate, don't just give up if you feel like this about it. It's so sad, and he seems sad too. Try to get to see someone.

notjustmom · 19/12/2007 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lauriefairycake · 19/12/2007 22:53

A relationship with that much love still in it is not over

I hear no fat lady singing

Please think about counselling. Arguments can honestly be worked through - most of the time they're about something else.

It's hard to make and find love in this world - please do all you can to work it ou.

You both sound great people, and your post is not sentimental - really touching actually

DaphneHarvey · 19/12/2007 22:53

I was just thinking exactly the same as SantaBe. You seem so very sad, and he kissed you on the cheek when he thought you were asleep.

Are you absolutely positive its the end of the road? Sounds to me like you still have something there in your relationship. There are threads on here from women who've given up and gone on to seriously regret it.

If you possibly can, put it right out of your mind for now. Concentrate on Christmas. Then look at it afresh on Jan 2nd or so. Oh I do hope for a happier outcome, I really do ...

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 19/12/2007 22:55

Oh gosh, don't split yet, try counselling.

Couples can forget how to lvie together and even how to speak to each other, this can be sorted, the problme is when the love is no longer there, which doesn't seem to be the case.

Maybe with the pressure off you'll have a wonderful christmas and it will work itself out, but if not, please for your sake try counselling.

hatwoman · 19/12/2007 22:55

agree with the others. you sound like you'll break each others hearts. life is tough. life with kids is double tough. every relationship has its strains. and plenty have the scenario you describe where you feel you;ve hit the bottom and can't continue. But you clearly have somthing worth fighting for. If you don;t at least try counselling yu'll spend the rest of your life wondering what if. what's another 6 months or year when you could gain so much? you've nothing to losse by trying.

Dixichik · 19/12/2007 23:00

Sometimes you know in your heart when you are flogging a dead horse. You can love someone with your heart and soul, but not be able to live with them.

Relate isnt always the best thing to do. Sometimes its too late to go to relate, and sometimes it just delays the inevitable.

Good for you for leaving it til after christmas though, thats a really selfless thing to do.

Original poster

sosadtoday · 19/12/2007 23:00

Thanks everybody. We do both, I think, have lots of love for each other. I just can't remember the last time we had a conversation that ended well. We can't really be in the same room anymore and certainly DSD1 has noticed this. We've both had disasterous relationships before and don't want to do it again.

OP posts:

MerryPIFFLEmas · 19/12/2007 23:02

have just read Op
sorry their is such tenderness you must try and explore some optins that allow you to ty to grow together again

I adore and love my DP and we are not that tender a lot of the time.

hatwoman · 19/12/2007 23:02

dare I say you owe it to the kids too? to do your utmost? there's so much love in your post - including for the kids - don;t let it go. sorry if I/we are interfering bids who don;t know anything about the bigger picture, but the little snippet you've given us said the same thing to us all.

Lauriefairycake · 19/12/2007 23:03

disastrous relationships before usually equals unresolved issues/lack of skills at working stuff out

You can't remember the last time you had a conversation that ended well indicates frustration at communication.

The opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference.

If you are still able to argue/still able to get frustrated/still able to have feelings for each other then it's really not over and its really not something that you can't work on

Original poster

sosadtoday · 19/12/2007 23:13

When we first got together we talked at great length about how relationships should be and one of the things we agreed on (those were the days when we actually agreed on anything!) was that relatioships shouldn't have to be worked on. If you're right for each other it should be easy.
I know that isn't actually the case but it feels like it should be. It's just so dissappointing when you realise that being in love isn't enough.

OP posts:

CarmenerryChristmas · 19/12/2007 23:18

I think your last post implies a little unrealism. The path of true love rarely runs smooth. Relationships really, really have to be worked on. You have to look after them or they die, like a plant pot.

notjustmom · 19/12/2007 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lauriefairycake · 19/12/2007 23:19

Well, I'm a relationship counsellor and I can assure you that relationships require at least as much maintenance as houses do.

It should not be easy (learning to live/love/appreciate someone else in your space is extremely hard) - we are told it should be easy in fairytales - I know noone who has never had hard times in long term relationships (even me )

Lauriefairycake · 19/12/2007 23:22

You just have to look around this site at the stuff people are going through to see how hard it can be - people on here looking after terribly ill partners and terminally ill partners

But we do it because we are social animals, because it makes us healthier and because it teaches us how to be fulfilled

Original poster

sosadtoday · 19/12/2007 23:28

I know I'm not being realistic and I know you're all right. Some kind of counselling may be a good idea. At least then we'll know if we can keep it going and be certain that we did everything we could (for us and the DC) if we can't.
The DCs are going to their BM's for a few nights at the end of next week. If I can persuade DP that this doesn't have to be the end I think it may do us good to have some time alone.

OP posts:

hatwoman · 19/12/2007 23:28

carmenerwostit and notjustmum are very right. I knew dh was the one for me when, having established that he/the relationship was not "perfect" I said to myself "but I still want it". you have to accept something less than perfect. and working at a relationship brings huge benefits. you said you've been living together for 3 years? I would say that's quite a common length of time for a relationship to need an MOT. It doesn;t mean it's not meant to be. It just means it needs TLC.

you say it's so disappointing to realise love's not enough. yes - it is - a really hard lesson. and perhaps both of you are grieving an idea, an ideal, that you both had. do it together - support each other.

Original poster

sosadtoday · 19/12/2007 23:35

Thanks so much everyone. Your post made me cry (even more!) hatwoman. We were, and I suppose still are, so in love. Until probably about 6 months ago (which coincided with a mc) we were so happy and got on so well. You may well be right, we had such high expectations that life would be that good for ever but when reality kicked in we've paniced that it's never going to be as good again.

OP posts:

discoverlife · 19/12/2007 23:44

It can be BETTER, without the hardship how will you ever KNOW how MUCH he loves you.
Up to now its probably been great sex and a lot of words. When you can still have great sex (rare but still desired) after 20+ years, after a day at the shops helping him in and out of a wheelchair, and he has that twinkle in his eye that is just for you. That is a grown up worked for relationship and beautiful in a way that you won't know without fighting for it.

hatwoman · 19/12/2007 23:46

oh sosad. tears are all part of it. your relationship is young. it will evolve and change but, from what little (and it's very little in the scheme of things)you've told us it really seems you have something to nurture.

between you, me and the www, I came close, in a different way (it wasn;t arguments, it was all internal stuff to me) to feeling something was over. but took a decision - it was in my power to do so - that that was not what I wanted. it was 8 years ago and I have never regretted that decision.

hatwoman · 20/12/2007 00:01

dh has just come home - so I'm abandoning this thread. I hope you feel better in the morning and on into the New Year. take care

Original poster

sosadtoday · 20/12/2007 00:06

Ok. Thanks again. I'm feeling much more hopefull now. All I need to do is persuade DP it's all worth it. Think I may have to try to sleep now.

OP posts:

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