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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We're hanging on till after christmas but then it's over.

41 replies

sosadtoday · 19/12/2007 22:43

I think I just need to get this off my chest as I haven't spoken to anyone about this in rl.
Me and DP just can't get on any more and we've been slowly coming to the decision over the last few weeks that we just can't keep going over the same ground and having the same unresolved arguments. So a few days ago we decided that we would carry on until after christmas for the children then I would move out. I will have to be the one to go as they are not biologically my children although I've done a lot to bring them up over the last 3 years.
I'm just so sad that it's come to this as I really thought that this time everything could work. And it's so difficult because I keep forgetting that we only have a week more together and going to hold his hand or hug him. All I want to do is hold him and never let go. I know he's feeling bad too, last night when he thought I was asleep he kissed me on my cheak in such a tender way, a side of him that I haven't seen for so long now.
I can't even start to think about how I will even cope without my DSCs and what this will do to them. They have been let down so badly by their BM, I don't want this to hurt them more.
I'm just not sure what else we can do to keep this going and if we do how much longer we could drag it out for. I'm just not coping with it at all well today. Couldn't bring myself to go to work as I can't stop crying. Instead I stayed at home and wrapped up all the kids christmas presents. I just can't deal with the fact that this will be the last christmas we will have together. I feel like I'm betraying the children when I write on on them 'from Daddy and ..me..' But I just want them to have a good christmas so they just can't know about this yet.
I apoplgise if this is overly sentimental or lengthy and I'm not necessarily looking for any response. I just want to feel like I have communicated all of this to someone!

OP posts:

elkiedee · 20/12/2007 00:11

I hope you manage to sort things out more positively. The fact that you had a miscarriage 6 months ago must have caused you both some upset - another good reason to try Relate. The things that life throws at you are bound to cause stress to relationships - that it's not easy doesn't mean it can't work.

Will look out to see if there's further news from you sosad.

madamez · 20/12/2007 00:34

Sorry you are feeling bad. Something that you might like to consider is that, should your relationship not make it, it would be a very good thing to negotiate with him that you can maintain a relationship with the DC. You have been their stepmother for (I expect) some time and you have a relationship with them that is separate and different from the relationship you have with their father. Hopefully for all your sakes you can resolve this and stay happily as a couple,but if ot it does at least sound like you are decent enough people to maintain an amicable friendship for the sake of your DSC.

trulymadlydeeply · 20/12/2007 09:04

Don't give up! I agree with all the other posters. You've had a tough few months and will both be grieving. Be kind to yourselves and keep fighting - anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Good luck and lots of love.

wooga · 20/12/2007 14:35

Made me cry reading post-don't give up-still love there.

Blu · 20/12/2007 14:49

"relatioships shouldn't have to be worked on. If you're right for each other it should be easy.
I know that isn't actually the case but it feels like it should be. It's just so dissappointing when you realise that being in love isn't enough. "

And this from people who have managed to create a happy family with Skids?? Who still hug and kiss? You are bonkers! If you still love each other you have absolutely the right ingredients to make it work, and to be tough - if you give up just because you have got stuck in a cycle of not beaing able to relsove things then i think you are being selfish to the children and sacridicing their family to your own unrealistic and idealistic imaginings of what a relationship is.

Everyone feels a bit over-sentimental and everything is higher currency around christmas - relax, enjoy yourselves, and then resolve to get a grip (I never use that phrase, but feel compelled here!) in the NY.

Counselling is about giving you the tools to break patterns and poen up new ways to communicate. you don't have to stay stuck in unresolved conversations, and you don't have to give up and walk away.

JingleyJen · 20/12/2007 14:55

Oh please don't give up - and certainly not just after Christmas. If it would help you talk to Dh get him to look at this thread.

Good luck!

notquitesosadtoday · 21/12/2007 20:27

OK. I get it! The general consensus seems to be that I should make this work. And you're all right, if we can just sort out the issues that we have (which is actually easier said than done)and continue to talk, there really is no reason that why we can't have that romantic happy ever after.
Thanks so much to everyone who responded to this. When I posted on Wednesday evening I was feeling so low and was sure that it was over. I now feel hopefull that it isn't.
Have managed to have a brief conversation with DP since then. We agree that we need to talk, although DP isn't that enthusiastic about counselling. We also agree that both of us, and more importantly the DCs, would be devastated if we ended this. It's so nice to agree on anything actually!
So, we will carry on through christmas. Then at new year we have some time together, while the DC's are with their BM and neither of us are working, and we will talk, spend time as a couple, try to do the things that most people do at the start of a relationship that in all honesty we didn't do.
But for now, this is the best and worst christmas. The best because I appreciate so much this wonderful family that I have become a part of and the worst because I am so scared by how easy it could be to loose it all.

JingleBellsRoady · 22/12/2007 12:23

well done! i find my DH and i work hard at our relationship and over the years it gets better and beetter, and we nerly gave it up 5 yers ago... your plan sounds good! xxx

jojomerrilyonhigh · 23/12/2007 14:06

Hope you can sort this out and have a lovely christmas and happy ever after.

lucyellensmum · 23/12/2007 15:00

"When we first got together we talked at great length about how relationships should be and one of the things we agreed on (those were the days when we actually agreed on anything!) was that relatioships shouldn't have to be worked on. If you're right for each other it should be easy"

I thought this to, i was wrong, so are you!, you do have to work at things, DP and i were a magical couple until i had PND after DD born, we had been together for 15 years. Now we are coming through a bad patch and so glad we made the effort. We will soon get to a place where we will be able to stop working.

Can i just say, you mentioned a mc - you are both greiving, and grief can have a profound, if not obvious effect on all parties concerned. It is also, cruely possible, that you are suffering from PND. I think it is worth visiting your doctor and mentioning all this.

Listen, from what you said about having to stop yourself from grabbing his hand, him kissing your cheek, this relationship is far from over, do not give up.

justaboutrecoveredhercomposure · 23/12/2007 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachyHasAFiggyPudInTheOven · 23/12/2007 17:17

I think a huge number of relationships go through this stage- its whether you pick them up or let them go now that seems to cement poeple for ife (ime). Sounds like you both have every chance, and maybe you could go to counselling on your own if he is wary- learn some communication skills you could pass on to him?

NAB3hundredbaubles · 23/12/2007 17:30

I really really really don't want to tell you what to do but I do want to share my experience in the hope it may help.

DH and I had a really bad patch about 3-4 years ago when I didn't know if I loved him anymore. One day he told me he had been thinking about the fact he would have to see a solicitor. This shocked me out of the stupid behaviour of mine that had caused all this upset and now we are still together, happy as much as we can be with quite stressful lifes, and I never ever want to hurt him like that again.

It can work out.

I wish you all the best.

Original poster

sosadtoday · 30/12/2007 00:54

Well, just wanted to do a quick update. I was so hoping that I would be able to be saying that everything was ok now, I wanted to be saying that we realised that as we love each other so much we would be able to work throught this. But I really don't think that is the case at all.
DSCs are with their BM now. We tried to have a nice evening together but guess what. More arguements! And about nothing. When we got back I just came straight upstairs and we haven't spoken. He's not willing ot go to counselling and I can't see how we can carry on.

OP posts:

paros · 05/01/2008 13:44

tell him its cheaper to go to councilling than get a divorce .

mitfordsisters · 05/01/2008 16:52

hi sosad, how's it going?

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