Really missing my old life

[Winterfruits]

Hear me out. I’m not sure there’s a solution here so if I don’t appear to be taking advice please don’t get offended or annoyed.

I met DH three years ago, online. Before I met him, I was pretty lonely - my friends had all long since coupled up and had children (I was 37, nearly 38 when I met DH) and I really was feeling left on the shelf. I had no one to see and nowhere to go and I did feel so sad and lonely.

I met DH, and we have a baby together now. I do love DH and he’s a good man.

But I do feel a bit of longing for my old life which is strange because like I say I often felt so lonely. The main problem is I never get any sort of break or downtime really. I’m up early and have to sort DS, take him to nursery, work myself, pick him up, then he sleeps really badly so I’m disturbed all night.

In between all this making time for us as a couple is so hard. Like on Saturday DS was napping and DH was wanting sex and I really, really resented it. I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone so I could read or watch TV in peace. I think that’s what gets to me most is never having a good long stretch of time to do anything with.

I don’t know if anyone can relate, I think it is possibly just the reality of small children?

Is your DH actually pulling his weight?

Because it sounds like he's abdicated his responsibilities and then just demands sex.

Which would leave anyone feeling shit.

Hard to say. To be honest I think he can be a bit lazy. But then he does do pretty much all financial stuff and he does do more tidying than me and more things like car maintenance and so on.

To be totally fair to him he doesn’t demand sex. I just do to get rid of him! Which probably isn’t ideal!

You really do both need to try to make time for each other. A new baby is a massive responsibility and can be a huge drain on a relationship as life, quite rightly, tends to revolve around the wee one.

Do you have any family or friends who could take the baby out for a few hours to give you and your husband some alone time? Doesn't have to involved sex, just some closeness.

That’s exactly my problem. We don’t have anybody and to be honest what I’m desperately longing for is time to myself, alone. Which I never get. And I’m getting resentful of DH for demanding my time. I know that isn’t fair but I still feel it, and it does get me down.

I'm always surprised by my capacity to find fault with any situation, no matter how good or bad it is.

Can you arrange with your husband to be "on duty" for a few hours at the weekend so you can get some rest? Maybe he could take baby out for a walk or to relatives? You can get some rest and relaxation then.

These feelings are normal, OP. It's really common to long for a baby and then find it overwhelming when you have one! Things will get easier, especially when you baby starts sleeping better.

I agree with @Animood - could you have a regular arrangement with DH so you each get a few hours off every weekend?

I do try to leave the house with DS to give DH some down time but this isn’t reciprocated. He does sometimes take DS out but not really for long enough for me to relax. Just to the supermarket usually.

And have you spoken to him about that? What was his response?

You should get the same downtime.

I really was feeling left on the shelf. I had no one to see and nowhere to go and I did feel so sad and lonely.

We don’t have anybody

So, it’s easy for me to point and laugh (sorry!) but it is a tiny bit of a shame that, being so solitary yourself, you got together with someone who also doesn’t appear to have any outside support. No family or friends between you, to share the burdens and enhance the joys of life with a baby?

More importantly, if you have no other support, what will you do if one or both of you becomes ill or disabled?

You need to talk to your husband. And together you need to start building up a support network - you can’t be everything to each other, and your child needs more than just you.

It's normal to feel like that. I can only say it gets easier as they get older. Now mine are 8 and 11 I do have time to myself. I struggled when they were younger but DH would take them out sometimes to give me several hours to myself here and there. Make sure he's pulling his weight. It sounds like you're doing everything.

I felt like this OP, when I was a similar age to you with a small baby. It won't always be like this. It might feel like it, but time passes, and eventually they grow up and leave home. Are you up to having conversations with DH about you getting out of the house to do your own thing, or having time out in the house to have a bath/read/whatever? My XH wasn't great tbh, which added to the problem

Just tell
DH he needs to take DS out for 4 hours minimum. Ignore any whining.

I get this sometimes, but the reality is I don't miss my old life pre kids. I miss the idea of it. But actually there is good and bad in everything. I had periods of depression and periods of happiness before kids, and I've had periods of depression and periods of happiness since having kids. I had difficulties then, but not the same difficulties. The times I have been happiest are when I count my blessings not my problems. When I make the most of what is and not ruminating on what was or projecting what might be. Just living in the now. How can you make right now better?

Doing the occasional car maintenance is not comparable to the exhausting daily grind of caring for a child 24/7, especially a very young one and working!
Of course you miss your old life that can be normal but that's a secondary issue

I totally get what you mean. You need some time when noone is making demands from you.

Sit down and talk to your DH. Tell him you love him and your little family but you need some down time when noone is making any demands from you so you can enjoy the time you spend with your DH and child.

Write a schedule together of everything that needs doing and who usually does it. Any inequity should be obvious. Then make a more fair one that gives you both time on your own as well as couple time.

I have split custody now and I love it. However the last few months meant that I had my kids or family visits or boyfriend and it made me not want sex/do couple things because like you, I needed some peace and resented my boyfriend placing more demands on me. He only has fairly independent adult children, whilst mine are tweens/teens and need constant dropping off and picking up etc. It was (is) very busy at work too so I was maxed out. And I wasn't getting time to exercise which made me grumpy and put on weight.

So yes, it is a very busy time of your life bit with help and understanding and planning you can make it easier. Also, if your DH is helpful and understanding, you will feel more love towards him.

Have a great Christmas OP:)

@LiterallyKnowsBest sorry if I sound snippy here but what’s funny?

My parents died. I lost my mum when I was in sixth form. My dad died in 2014, when I was 33.

DHs parents are around but don’t live locally and one has a minor disability which means she doesn’t feel confident caring for DS alone.

While we both have friends it’s a pretty big ask for someone to take your very young baby just for downtime - different in an emergency. Especially as they have young children themselves.

If there was an actual emergency then friends would help but ‘just’ for a bit of R and R I don’t think asking friends to help is common. But to be honest I didn’t really post to be jeered at for having ‘no friends’, especially given that I explained in my OP that my friends have small children.

Thanks, though for replies. I think you’re right and I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything. I think DH could do a bit more to give me a break but it’s so hard - he fusses and faffs and drives me mad.

I think you're actually me OP. I have two: dd 2 years 8 months and an 8 month old ds.I didn't miss 'the old me' until ds came along. Dh now doesn't pull his weight like he did at the beginning with dd. We never spend time together and we have no real practical support. I resent him.

Even when he watched this kids for 10 mins while I shower or something, he 'won't know where their clothes are' or 'what ds eats for breakfast' or some other nonsense. I only get to wash my hair about once every 10 days/ 2 weeks. And shave my legs? Forget about it! We don't have sex anymore, so that's one thing. But I do kinda miss it. Just don't have the time....

I think the problem too is that dh won't take them both anywhere. One or the other, sure. But then it feels like neither of us just gets a break.

I think I'm depressed but don't have the time to seek out gp.

Hugs. Life's shit.

Over half the time you've been together has involved lockdown and covid restrictions, so having a baby in a relatively new relationship under that kind of additional pressure is bound to feel especially exhausting and restrictive.

It also sounds like you didn't have much time to get to know each other as a couple before your DC came along. A pregnancy naturally shifts a couple's focus from getting to know each other to planning for parenthood, so it doesn't sound like you had much of an opportunity to get to know each other as people first, which is inevitably going to mean you both have to put in extra effort to communicate with each other now.

It's natural under those circumstances that it's going to take longer to find your groove with your new lifestyle, as you're learning how to parent an ever-changing baby/toddler, as well as juggling a family home, nurturing your relationship as well as juggling going back to work. And when you throw in sleep deprivation on top of that, it's completely understandable that you'd pine for the simpler life you used to have!

I think it's important to acknowledge that you've got a hell of a lot going on and have gone through several huge life changes (with the added stress of covid) in a very short space of time. It's going to take time to adjust to all of this, and it sounds like you're just having a natural reaction to all you've gone through.

Definitely carve out 1:1 time together with DH, and make sure you get some alone time too. You won't always feel as exhausted as you do now - sleepless nights with a baby is just a phase you have to get through, but it will get better eventually.

If you do all the night wakenings and DH doesn't you need a clear conversation that you need more downtime (not less) than him to compensate as you are permanently sleep deprived and struggling.

I'd agree @Winterfruits. I'd never ask a friend (the few who still reply to my messages now that we haven't seen each other at all in about two years) to watch my two babies so I could just read, or wash my hair, or have a glass of wine... and I wouldn't expect any of them to ask for the same. That would just be weird in the society we live in. In an emergency, sure. But not the mundane, every day.

How old is ds? If he's old enough to be at nursery and you're back at work, does he still need to be fed at night? I'm sure you'd feel better if you were getting an unbroken night's sleep. Dh could help with this as night-weaning is easier if it's dad who goes in to settle him rather than mum.

Otherwise, this is just a phase. It does get better. You wouldn't really want to be back in your old life, with no partner, no baby. It may be easier to get your alone time outside of the house. Even if you don't feel like going out, it's worth the effort to sit on a park bench or have a coffee, just for fresh air and a change of scene. You won't have to watch him fussing and faffing and that will stop when he gets more confident in looking after the baby.

Life in the thick of little ones is HARD. Hard, hard hard. Have DH take turns at nighttime and ask him to take baby out so you can get some alone time. It won't be perfect, but it will do a lot to restore your energy; energy you can invest in your relationship and yourself.

Thank you

DS is twelve months and he doesn’t wake wanting to be fed - god only knows why he wakes! But he does!

If I’m out of the house I do generally have DS with me. I don’t mind but sometimes I just want to enjoy being calm and quiet at home and this almost never happens.

Oh well you can definitely take turns at nights then by alternating!

I would also write down when your DH gets time alone at home and his leisure time and then yours and see how it compares.

It could be quite revealing as to why you are desperate for some time alone.

Completely normal to feel as you do! You're exhausted.

In a similarly situation practically, met DH later in life and have young baby. He works all the time but covers all the bills and sorts out all the house admin. I am a SAHM (for now - she's 7 weeks) do all the nights as BF, but he cooks the evening meal when he WFH, and does what he can in between but not much.

Do you need to work? Could you potentially cut down hours or give up work completely? Sorry if that's not an option financially or you prefer to do so.

Obv being SAHM has downsides but going to play groups gives a bit of relief and can chat to other mums. Or some health centres have a crèche where you could get a couple hours respite. Or continue working but maybe less, and consider nanny/doula over nursery so you can have more help in the home/holistically with the baby. Or more help around the house - cleaner etc.

You desperately need more support and/or to work less.