Really missing my old life

[Winterfruits]

Hear me out. I’m not sure there’s a solution here so if I don’t appear to be taking advice please don’t get offended or annoyed.

I met DH three years ago, online. Before I met him, I was pretty lonely - my friends had all long since coupled up and had children (I was 37, nearly 38 when I met DH) and I really was feeling left on the shelf. I had no one to see and nowhere to go and I did feel so sad and lonely.

I met DH, and we have a baby together now. I do love DH and he’s a good man.

But I do feel a bit of longing for my old life which is strange because like I say I often felt so lonely. The main problem is I never get any sort of break or downtime really. I’m up early and have to sort DS, take him to nursery, work myself, pick him up, then he sleeps really badly so I’m disturbed all night.

In between all this making time for us as a couple is so hard. Like on Saturday DS was napping and DH was wanting sex and I really, really resented it. I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone so I could read or watch TV in peace. I think that’s what gets to me most is never having a good long stretch of time to do anything with.

I don’t know if anyone can relate, I think it is possibly just the reality of small children?

Your DH needs to step up more as in take DS for several hours at a time.

Are you working full time?
Is he?

Hi. We both work full time but our jobs are very different and have different pressures.

DH works from home and he does 830-5 but he does sometimes need to work evenings.

I teach (English) and so I finish earlier than DH but start earlier and also have to leave the house to work.

It’s hard. I sometimes wonder if we each feel the other has it easy.

I think it’s completely normal to long for you old life of freedom..

From your responses it seems clear your DP is not pulling his weight, a bit of tidying home accounts and car maintenance does not make up for 50% childcare. Have a think c a plan for an even split and present it to him.

You both need half a day off at the weekend and an evening a week to do your thing. It’s no wonder you are resentful!

At 12m DH can take baby out in a snow suit to the play park for 45 minutes, then drive around for 45 mins for a nap, then supermarket coffee shop and nappy change for 30 mins, then do the food shop for an hour.

It's normal to not want to be touched and just want to be left alone at this stage. Your DH needs to get a grip. These early years are hard! The goal is for you to get through it as a family and with your marriage in good enough shape that when you come out the other side around age 4 that you still love each other and want to stay together. That is hard work and requires compromise on both sides.

Got to focus on the long game or risk waking up one day and the resentment will have destroyed your marriage.

Can you get a babysitter?

A college student that you could pay to take ds to the park for two hours?

Does DS nap? It might need to be earlier in the day so he sleeps through the night?

It will get easier. Once they're running around all day they normally sleep much better and you can get a bit of time in the evenings.

I get you op. DS is 15 and I promise it gets easier but yes I know the feeling of just wanting to be alone in the house.

There's no reason why DH can't take him out for a whole morning on a weekend. Can they start a hobby? Like swimming or soft play or anything where he has to go out! Then yes a coffee and a cake in a cafe and maybe the playground should stretch it out a bit.

I'd say to your H that he does need to make an effort. Mine didn't and while we're still together he just doesn't have the bond that DS and I do - we have loads of shared memories where DH wasn't there - the majority where one of my single parents t friends was though!

Teaching, broken nights and a one year old is a lot op!

Start with small steps.

If you are happy to do so at this age, hire a baby-sitter once a fortnight. Maybe the nursery might have some recommendations for qualified, responsible people?

If your dh is working from home, can he not do.some of the nursery runs?

Your dh to share the nights.

Arrange for you each to have a free morning per weekend.

And maybe work towards working one day less a week if possible, but still send your ds to nursery. That will give you reliable breathing space.

Good luck Don't feel guilty, what benefits you, will benefit your ds!

@LiterallyKnowsBest you certainly live up to your username. What an unhelpful, dickish response.

OP, it sounds like you’re at a tough and tiring time. It might be life rather than the relationship as such - plus sleep deprivation. Your DP needs to pull his weight more though.

It really grinds me that in 2021, men still aren't pulling their weight when it comes to their own damn children.

Everything and I mean everything should be 50/50. Night wakings, nursery drop offs, time to yourself. Nothing, no housework or car maintenance even comes close to the drudgery of looking after a small baby.

The amount of colleagues who let their OHs off because 'their job is more stressful/they couldn't possibly move their meeting back half an hour so they can pick up their own child (bullshit).. you are where I'm going with this?

Kids under 2 are relentless and not fun a lot of the time. It's both your responsibilities to look after the child and, I daresay each other. Perhaps if you mention to your DH that if he pulled his weight properly, you might want to have sex with him. Providing him with sexual services isn't your 'job'. It should be something you want to do and right now he's not helping you feel like that.

Hi OP I totally know what you mean. Some people need a lot of time alone and perhaps you are one of them. I think it's frustrating you that your DH isn't 'seeing' you. He isn't noticing or hearing this big issue and unhappiness in your life, which is having no time for yourself. It sounds like this needs to jump to the front of the queue of family concerns. You need to be able to feel solitude and its pleasures. It isn't a lower-order concern. It's something you just need, like you might need a car or a toaster or acupuncture. I think you need to state clearly this is the thing that next needs doing, above anything else. Good luck.

I would book a babysitter for a couple of hours for a few Saturdays or if it will take a bit of time to find a sitter you’re happy with take a day off work and leave DC in nursery for the full day for a short term quick fix. I really empathise as I remember feeling like this regularly.

How did you end up being the default getting DS up and both taking him and picking him up from childcare?

Does that mean once you do all that, you come home and cook dinner for your husband?

Who does the laundry, shopping, making the beds, cleaning the bathroom?

Your problem is you’ve married a man who thinks doing some online banking and faffing with the car is pulling his weight.

No wonder you’re worn out and resentful.

Whatever you go, don’t follow the advice to give up work.

Small children are hard work. It’s difficult times; as someone once said to me though, which I thought was brilliant, the days are long but the years are short which is so true, it seems neber ending Then suddenly they are grown. But while it’s going on, you’re currrently in an unfair division of labour and no wonder you’re unhappy.

Seems clear that a key problem is that your H is not doing his fair share of parenting/domestics.

Finance, car admin etc takes a tiny, tiny amount of time and effort in comparison with parenting a small DC, including night parenting.

As you are a teacher could you put your DS into childcare during the school holidays for a couple of days a week and get a break then? It would at least give you something to look forward to.
It honestly WILL get easier though, one day he will be at playdates, cub camps etc!
But my advice at the moment is to throw money at the problem if you can.