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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp insists he has told me things, I am convinced he hasn't...how to resolve

49 replies

PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 21:22

I have a v busy work life - I often find it v hard to absorb other non work facts during the work day. I have told dp this, repeatedly, and asked that if he has important arrangements to discuss with me that we do it in the evening and it goes on a joint calendar.

I am absolutely convinced that when dp 'tells' me things that he either mentions them dismissively or doesn't tell me at all. He insists he does.

We've just had an amazing day where we hosted my family and he did all the cooking. It was great. As we are getting in bed, he says 'don't forget I am leaving at 615am tomorrow' (he lost his full time job but is doing a part time job for a friend that takes a few days a week but he normally does it at home).

It so happens that his dc are with us this week (11 and 8) and I also happen to be in a board meeting tomorrow that is v likely to go on for hours and I really can't be disturbed.

I swear to god he never told me this and it isn't in the diary. I do recall him telling me he had to go to some mediation meeting for this company but he never mentioned it was a day his kids were here. I feel bad for his kids because I will have to shut my door and leave them to it and tbh had he asked me if I could look out for them tomorrow I would have said no, only because I think it's unfair on them as I may be stuck over lunch etc or might not have enough time to help if they need anything.

He is really upset as he insists he told me. A few weeks ago, we had a heated discussion because this is starting to drive me mad (he went away for a night to something I am sure he never told me about and I needed the car for something - we only have one car).

Has anyone got a solution for this? I am sure it is him, he is absolutely stubbornly insisting he tells me and either I'm too busy to remember or I just don't join the dots.

OP posts:
JollyHostess · 19/12/2021 21:25

Get a diary or shared app where you both have to write in things like this. If he doesn't put it in the diary he can't gaslight you that he did...and as long as you check it every day you'll be ok!

SleighbellsZ · 19/12/2021 21:25

Share calendar on your phones. Granted you both have to actually update it. Or when first mentioned put it in.

Original poster
PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 21:26

Thanks, yes I agree with that. We now have a shared calendar but his thing tomorrow is not in it!

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 19/12/2021 21:27

Calendar on he fridge that you actually write in? And he needs to pick the fucking pen up?

MsChatterbox · 19/12/2021 21:27

Tell him all important things to be told over WhatsApp or text whatever you use. I have to do this with my husband because I can tell him something 5 times and he will swear I haven't. So I love being able to show it in message with his reply 😁

Hercisback · 19/12/2021 21:28

Shared calendar is the way forward and it comes with rules. Anything not in there is assumed the other person doesn't know. Nothing can be added less than 24h before without express permission from all parties.

Fireflygal · 19/12/2021 21:29

It could be innocent but perhaps not!

I suspect he forgets and then tells you your the one with memory issues..this is gaslighting if deliberate.

If you say it has to go on the calendar then stick to that.. it doesn't happen unless it's on the calendar.

inheritancetrack · 19/12/2021 21:29

If it's not on the joint calendar it was n very shared and doesn't exist. Rule number one going forward

hemhem · 19/12/2021 21:29

The rule in our house is that if it isn't in my diary its not my fault. So DH sends me invites to my work email address for things I need to know about and vice versa. I check my work calendar multiple times a day and it has all the kids appointments in it so I don't miss anything important.

NoSquirrels · 19/12/2021 21:30

Has anyone got a solution for this? I am sure it is him, he is absolutely stubbornly insisting he tells me and either I'm too busy to remember or I just don't join the dots.

Tell him everything needs to go in writing.

If you’re feeling generous you can agree that you ‘forget’ if it’s not in writing.

Then the onus is on him to communicate in a trackable format.

Ohyesiam · 19/12/2021 21:30

When my kids were small I had to introduce “ ifs it’s not on the calendar, it can’t happen” because space and time were so short.

Original poster
PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 21:30

Thanks all - yes funnily enough it's never a problem with my arrangements because a) they go in the diary and b) I do bloody tell him in good time

Have just pointed out tomorrow is not in the diary Grin

OP posts:
MarvEll · 19/12/2021 21:30

We use a Google calendar because my memory is totally shot. If it's not in tho and I double book, that's on him. I know he tells me things and I forget but calendar is the rules

Original poster
PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 21:32

I think he does tell me too - I don't think he's gaslighting - but I think he doesn't tell me all the details. For example I remember him telling me about this mediation day - we discussed the case etc. what he doesn't say is 'oh it's on Monday at 615am)!!

ARGH

Yes I like all your rules - those are v good! I shall introduce them!

OP posts:
Bollindger · 19/12/2021 21:32

Do the message thing.
Ask on a Friday what plans are for the next week.
Are you away. Early starts, or children plans.

Original poster
PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 21:33

Thanks all. I was feeling v frustrated but you've all helped me to calm down!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/12/2021 21:33

It needs to be crystal clear to him that you’re not his secretary - it’s not up to him to say something is happening and YOU add it to the diary, it is up to HIM to add it to the diary and inform you at the same time.

Onus on him.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 19/12/2021 21:38

So now he knows you are going to be unavailable to look after his DC tomorrow and that he hadn't put his day out on the calendar is he rearranging his plans so he can watch his kids and keep them from interrupting you?

wishymore · 19/12/2021 21:46

But why doesn’t he put it in the calendar? You’ve told him and it’s still not in there therefore he’s in the wrong.

Original poster
PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 21:48

@Morechocolatethanbarbara no he can't because this is some legal thing that he can't rearrange. He did volunteer to take them with him - which is no solution. I got pissed off with him and said yes fine take them which of course he can't do fgs as it's some legal case and where will they go !! So no he offered no 'real' solution as apparently I agreed to look after them and said it was no problem in the conversation I swear I didn't have and he swears I've forgotten.

My adult dd was due to visit tomorrow evening so I've asked her to come earlier to help but she can only get here at lunch time so we will have to make do till then.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 19/12/2021 22:00

He will just have to cancel next time as you won’t budge on your new rules right? If it’s not in the calendar it’s not happening (& the 24h rule). We do that. And my dh will do the ‘I told you but’ but I have mostly a good memory and can be quite clear that a random comment about a thing on is not a replacement for ‘can you pick up the dc Wednesday night’ and doesn’t count as one.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 19/12/2021 22:02

Essentially he's created a problem surrounding the childcare of his DC and left you to resolve it?

And this is something he does regularly I.e. not telling you about something until it's "too late" to change and then swearing he has told you and it's all your fault, so you have to juggle things to resolve the issue?

From the outside looking in, your DP is a bit of a gaslighting dick.

Driposaurus · 19/12/2021 22:03

We do the if it’s not in the diary it’s not real things. And text each other the important stuff. We haven’t had slips as big as that but I wel recognise the “brain too full to take things in” feeling.

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/12/2021 22:03

I had to get very tough with my DH "pretending" he'd told me about stuff he was doing (usually "ages ago") and absolutely slam my foot down. If it wasn't written on the calendar then it didn't count let alone take priority. He got really cross a few times but it was my company car he was using and I was the main earner. I wasn't risking my licence speeding back from the other end of the country on bank holiday Fridays so he could go off on a barely disguised jolly with his mates in the car leaving me stuck at home with no food/drink in the house and a couple of toddlers.

Actually, I had to get really shitty with him several times for it to sink in that I really did mean what I was saying... but he did get the message eventually.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 19/12/2021 22:06

He should text you every time he agrees to some arrangement like this. That covers it in case he isn't in front of the calendar at the time. If there's no text and nothing in the calendar, too bad, he either cancels or he works around you.