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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp insists he has told me things, I am convinced he hasn't...how to resolve

49 replies

PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 21:22

I have a v busy work life - I often find it v hard to absorb other non work facts during the work day. I have told dp this, repeatedly, and asked that if he has important arrangements to discuss with me that we do it in the evening and it goes on a joint calendar.

I am absolutely convinced that when dp 'tells' me things that he either mentions them dismissively or doesn't tell me at all. He insists he does.

We've just had an amazing day where we hosted my family and he did all the cooking. It was great. As we are getting in bed, he says 'don't forget I am leaving at 615am tomorrow' (he lost his full time job but is doing a part time job for a friend that takes a few days a week but he normally does it at home).

It so happens that his dc are with us this week (11 and 8) and I also happen to be in a board meeting tomorrow that is v likely to go on for hours and I really can't be disturbed.

I swear to god he never told me this and it isn't in the diary. I do recall him telling me he had to go to some mediation meeting for this company but he never mentioned it was a day his kids were here. I feel bad for his kids because I will have to shut my door and leave them to it and tbh had he asked me if I could look out for them tomorrow I would have said no, only because I think it's unfair on them as I may be stuck over lunch etc or might not have enough time to help if they need anything.

He is really upset as he insists he told me. A few weeks ago, we had a heated discussion because this is starting to drive me mad (he went away for a night to something I am sure he never told me about and I needed the car for something - we only have one car).

Has anyone got a solution for this? I am sure it is him, he is absolutely stubbornly insisting he tells me and either I'm too busy to remember or I just don't join the dots.

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 19/12/2021 22:12

I think he knows what he is doing op. He knows you have the heavy mental load, and whilst polishing his halo for cooking for his own parents he chose that moment to "remind" you that he can't look after his own children tomorrow, and instead of bothering to arrange to have them visit another day, needs you to watch them whilst you juggle your own job. It isn't fair on you or his children.

Original poster
PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 22:14

Yes - his kids aren't here that often so it's not normally a dc problem to be fair but I don't want them to suffer because of this.

@CrotchetyQuaver that sounds remarkably similar. I am the main earner and it is my company car too. If it wasn't for the new work from home rules, I would have been in the office tomorrow so god knows what he would have done then.

I am going to have words tomorrow night. I hate disorganisation and he really is criminally disorganised and we had proper sit down words about all of this only a few weeks ago. Will make the new rules about no text and not in calendar, it doesn't count.

It's just so infuriating as he's so good in every other way - he cooked a great meal today for 13 people and was lovely with my family. Just can't think how hard it can be to put something in the diary and remind me more than 24 hours before the event!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 19/12/2021 22:25

I have the problem in reverse. DH claims he has no idea about things we've had long conversations about, and it drives me absolutely insane.
I've started texting the details after each important date/event/arrangement is discussed. He keeps asking why I'm doing it and I say that it's just so I can be clear for my own diary. Funnily enough the problem has suddenly stopped.

Original poster
PoncyPoinsettia · 19/12/2021 22:28

Thanks Yuko, I will get him to start doing that!

OP posts:
GinIronic · 19/12/2021 22:31

We had 4 DC and we both worked f/t. After many heated discussions, we agreed a written diary. If you put something in the diary you were responsible for showing it to each other and then we signed it to say we had read it and understood it. It didn’t take long for the message to sink in. Don’t pretend you have told me something when you know perfectly well you didn’t DH!

TimeIhadaSeasonalNameChange · 19/12/2021 23:07

I have this with DP from the other side, with the added complication that if he does, by chance, remember something he gets pissed of at being reminded. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.

Just this week I had my Xmas work do. Told him many times (and checked his wasn't the same day) yet when a colleague told him about it the day it was happening it was news to him! Sounds no big deal but he had our dd to look after.

Kite22 · 19/12/2021 23:20

When our dc were little, we had a 'calendar meeting' every Sunday - who was where and how were they getting there / who was picking them up / or who was attending / or what we could do if the 3 of them needed to be in different places and there were two of us, etc etc.
Every thing also had to go on the calendar on the fridge - if it wasn't on there, it wasn't happening.

It is so much easier nowadays when you can have a shared, electronic calendar - he really has no excuse.
We went through a little spell of me having to say he had to sort out the issue before he trained himself to remember to top up the calendar. He soon caught on. Now you can add things wherever you are (at work, or at home when the other isn't, etc) life is so much easier.

sleepyshiftworker · 20/12/2021 05:46

We have similar and was resolved with shared diary on iPhone. If it's not in there then I'm not interested.

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2021 05:56

@PoncyPoinsettia

Yes - his kids aren't here that often so it's not normally a dc problem to be fair but I don't want them to suffer because of this.

@CrotchetyQuaver that sounds remarkably similar. I am the main earner and it is my company car too. If it wasn't for the new work from home rules, I would have been in the office tomorrow so god knows what he would have done then.

I am going to have words tomorrow night. I hate disorganisation and he really is criminally disorganised and we had proper sit down words about all of this only a few weeks ago. Will make the new rules about no text and not in calendar, it doesn't count.

It's just so infuriating as he's so good in every other way - he cooked a great meal today for 13 people and was lovely with my family. Just can't think how hard it can be to put something in the diary and remind me more than 24 hours before the event!

You’re making him sound like he’s your PA! You know that he’s disorganised so telling him to put things in a diary isn’t actually going to be very helpful. I’m like him - I always forget to put things in my diary!!! So what we now do is sit down every Friday evening in the kitchen with the calendar (yes, we’ve tried online calendars but they just annoy me) and a glass of wine then go through the next week. We talk through each day. When the kids lived at home we’d talk through what was happening with them. That way, anything we’d missed we could sort out. Getting annoyed because he’s missed something isn’t actually going to help.
Shoxfordian · 20/12/2021 06:12

It sounds like he doesn’t consider the mental load of tasks on you and just agrees to do whatever he likes

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2021 06:19

It doesn't matter if he did tell you if he was doing it during a work day and not as requested.

I'd be assuming he was doing this on purpose to be honest, especially as it means you being responsible for his children (I bet I could add again).

loislovesstewie · 20/12/2021 06:40

We have a proper, physical wall chart. I ask him 'what are you doing next week? Is it on the chart?' If I tell him something important it goes on the chart. That way no arguments.

Oblomov21 · 20/12/2021 06:53

We don't have this issue. But I think a calendar will help you.

What about having a casual meeting aswell. On a Sunday night, whilst sat in our chairs watching tv I tell Dh any appointments I have, mostly medical : dentist, HRT clinic, ds's at orthodontist....You could do the same : "don't forget Tuesday night I'm ....". It's a subtle way of bringing things to the forefront of your minds especially if some things had been booked months ago.

endlesscraziness · 20/12/2021 07:26

This happens to me but the opposite: I tell my husband and it doesn't register. Sometime when we've had lengthy conversations about it. It drive me crazy. He often says if it's not on the calendar he doesn't register, but likewise his Christmas do wasn't in the calendar 😬

Inthewainscoting · 20/12/2021 09:40

Everything should be a calendar invitation

  • Every night you sit down together and go through the next 2-4 days
  • accepting an invitation means you have read and agreed whatever it is, is ok by you
  • in your nightly meetings, check the reminder for each event is set and is suitable (e.g. "kids swimming lesson" probably needs a reminder 30-40 mins before, to cover getting kit and kids together and transport there ; "Bert to bring his bike over to be fixed", a 5-10 min reminder just so everyone is decent; "hosting family" 4h reminder!

Then superglue your phones to yourselves to avoid the "I went out without my phone and didn't get reminded" issue....

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 20/12/2021 10:44

I'd insist on things being in the diary. There's not much you can do about today, but in the future I'd put all important meetings in the shared calendar so he knows not to book anything on those days, and if he pulls a stunt like today and it's not in the diary then that's for him to resolve.

I'd be tempted to have a written calendar so he can't remove things and put his plans in last minute. With a written calendar he can't scrub things out without you realising

PoshPyjamas · 20/12/2021 10:55

When he offered to take them you could have immediately calmed down and acted relived at his solution. Then he would have had to admit that it was bullshit.

My ex used to spring crap like this on me in the immediate aftermath of divorce - I only had to be unavailable once for him to start sorting things out himself.

PoshPyjamas · 20/12/2021 10:59

Anything that requires your help needs a meeting request, so you have to accept - that way he can't sneak them in last minute. Rules need to be written in the diary as a reoccurring daily event - so he can't claim ignorance.

PoshPyjamas · 20/12/2021 11:00

See I would have thought a written calendar would be more prone to abuse - I think with google calendar you can tell when the event was created?

ravenmum · 20/12/2021 11:08

You have repeatedly used the word "tell" - that he says he "told" you he was going away.

It should be "ask". Surely he would have asked you to take a day off work to look after his children? Taking a day off work is a huge favour, so he would have asked really nicely, and been very apologetic about it?
You'd remember that, wouldn't you?

Whatwouldscullydo · 20/12/2021 11:14

Why is he taking work in a day he has his kids? Surely he should either take the day off ir arrange child care ? Whys he making it your problem?

I'm.in the " doing it on purpose " camp.

Hes set you bar of expectations low and is taking advantage of your difficulties knowing you will.blame yourself and not him

billy1966 · 20/12/2021 11:51

He sounds really annoying.

Considering they are HIS children, he sound be extra careful to check with you.

I would be telling him for THE LAST TIME that if it is not agreed and in the shared diary, to take it as NO from you.

Similarly regarding YOUR car.

He needs confirmation by text that he can take it.

I think you are being played.

Be careful.

StormTreader · 20/12/2021 11:59

"apparently I agreed to look after them and said it was no problem in the conversation I swear I didn't have and he swears I've forgotten."

Sounds to me like this is whats most convenient for him so hes just deciding that you must have agreed to it.

RantyAunty · 20/12/2021 12:05

He's working part time for a friend so he needs to be prioritizing your big job and certainly his kids.

I don't know what mediation takes all day? They have to be arranged well in advance.

Does he realise he's looking after his children the rest of the week?

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