does anyone else not want any sex at all?

[garlicandsapphires]

I wouldn't mind if I never have sex or have an orgasm ever again. Unfortunately I am in a relationship and TTC. I'm 38 and wonder if it could be hormonal or even perimenopausal.
It's not DP because I don't fancy anyone and he has a similarly low sex drive. I used to be quite highly sexed but looking back on this alot of it was alcohol fuelled and to please other people sadly.
I think maybe I'm not cut out for relationships? I wouldn't mind being single I don't think. But is the low sex drive something medical or hormonal? I worry it's not normal.

Just to add that it could be down to the pressure of TTC but I did feel like this long before.

@garlicandsapphires
Its the pressure of ttc, your no longer having sex cause you want to your having it because ttc so it seems more of a job now.

I'm ttc and 38 also and baby making takes all the fun out of sex esp when it takes to long to conceive its like what's the point.

Bump

My manager is from Japan. She told me it’s completely normal in Japanese culture for women to admit they don’t like or want sex. She has pointed out to me many times how in this culture women never admit to not wanting sex. She thinks it’s odd and unhealthy. For years I thought her perspective was odd, but lately I think she is right. Surely there must be at least a few women in the UK who don’t like sex. We never hear or see any of them. It’s totally verboten to admit under any circumstances.

Me. I’m on antidepressants long term but I used to have a bit of sex drive, just couldn’t orgasm unless I did it myself. In the past year I’ve totally lost it. I never think of sex, miss sex, want sex or feel horny. Haven’t masturbated in months. I was dating someone recently and the sex did absolutely nothing for me, I ended it because I didn’t want to have sex anymore. I’m 32, single, no kids and don’t want any. It doesn’t bother me, it’s quite liberating!

You're not alone. I don't care if I never have sex ever again, not trying to conceive so it's not at all related to pressure. However planning on next year to try for another baby, I really want another one but don't want to have sex 😆

I have never had good sex, so that might have something to do with it, but honestly find it a chore and can happily do without it.

@PuertoVallarta you have some interesting conversations with your manager

Nature's hormonal trick to get us to reproduce.

I used to be quite horny and thought I was having good sex. Now that I look back, it was hormones and people pleasing as most of the guys I slept with were terrible in bed, dumb, dirty, mean, just yuk. I even loved and married a couple of those.

After menopause, it never crosses my mind.

I've had some brilliant sex, with great partners and lots of variety.
I don't want any more though, ever.

I could go for some nice snogging sessions though. Cuddles in front of a warm fire in fleece pjs. Watch some comedy and fall asleep in each other's arms. That'd be nice.

Oh yes.
I'd quite like a big old chest to snuggle up on.

If you previously enjoyed sex, and this nosedive started before ttc, I'd look at chemical changes. Anti depressants? Stopping hormonal contraceptive? Dietary changes such as gluten free?

I'm late 40s and raised in the uk. I was brought up to believe women shouldn't like sex. I was shamed for masturbating as a child and that was used against me as a silencing/shaming method when I was later sexually abused. I spent 20 years convinced/convincing myself I didn't like sex - because "nice" girls didn't, and my abuser convinced me that if I enjoyed sex, it meant I wasn't abused, it was my fault for "leading him on" 😒

For me, meeting a partner (who I then married) who was also abused, and worked to overcome it, and would never ever force or coerce me the way previous partners had, that was the key.

But while we were ttc my libido died completely. And his did too.

So then I loved sex for 15 years, (even after H died and I moved on) and then menopause hit and now its in the toilet frankly. I'm hoping it comes back post menopause (I'm not quite there yet.) I own hundreds of £ worth of sex toys so frankly it better had.

Me!
Never been interested in sex.

What PuertoVallarta wrote was really fascinating.
There is a pressure in western world to not only have but to love sex.
There is also a lot of prude, virgin, frigid and even vanilla shaming.
It’s really not okey to say you just don’t care about it.
It’s really strange.

I’m sure a declaration of no longer needing sex can be liberating for a single person, but it’s something else entirely to hear it from someone you’re in a long term committed relationship with.

Where are you supposed to go from there if it’s not the same for you?

Does it matter? I don't think it does. I think we've been sold the idea of "sexiness" by marketing. They rely on it to sell us stuff we don't need. My grandmother certainly wasn't worried about whether her sex drive was up to scratch (at any age I mean, not just when elderly!).

I think it’s fine to not really want sex and if you are with someone who also could take it or leave it, that’s pretty ideal isn’t it? Only sticking point is the TTC which is obviously unavoidable if you want to get pregnant.

Has your partner also always had a fairly low sex drive? There is a lot of pressure around sex as others have said. I think for many people it’s very important, but for many others it really isn’t a big deal.

If your partner is happy with the amount of sex you are having then I don’t see why you can’t be happy together, sex isn’t a must have in every relationship after all.

I cant be bothered with at all and after 2 marriages have decided I want to be single. Its too much of a tedious chore.

I wasn't particularly bothered about sex until I did it with the right person!!

@teecaketotty I work in retail. In cosmetics, so it’s all women. We talk about a lot of things, and none of them have to do with golf, politics, or the FTSE.

Because you are TTC, you need sex so I would talk to your GP about loss of libido. More generally, I think it’s pretty normal not to be bothered about sex. I went without for 10 years, though I did still masturbate, as I didn’t fancy my XH and I was simply overwhelmed with responsibilities. Now I’m free of him and most of the responsibilities, it’s back with a vengeance and I find it very life-affirming with my new partners

Get yourself into some high intensity exercise classes!

Yes me. Since having my DD 18 months ago I never feel horny or want sex. It'll probably mean the end of my relationship.

I think as long as both of you are on the same page then it's fine. Your relationship is your business. Where it goes wrong is if one of you wants it and then other doesn't.

I wasn't that bothered about sex in my first marriage. Rather, I wanted it but actually it just felt like a chore with my then husband. It's completely different with my now DH. It's fun, we laugh, we relax. We don't do it as much as either of us would like but I would hate to think there'd be a time when we wouldn't at all.

We were taught by society (made by men) to see sex as a casual thing. We were told by men that we should be having sex.

Sex is a very very intimate thing. Especially for women. We are letting someone else enter our body.

The old way we were told to think - that we should be having sex every week, is not true!

You could have sex just three times in your entire life and be totally fine.

In 37, I haven't had sex in three years by choice and I am really happy

My sex drive is under the floor. I'm not ttc, so no way it will be that, just lost all desire.
I used to have a drive that equals DH but we are now quite far apart and it's causing issues. I can pinpoint where it started going south for me, having a child that has major sleep issues and working full time shift work. Also DH taking medication that knocks him out at night so it has all fallen on me. But ds is now nearly 10 and recently started meds which help him sleep....has made no difference to my sex drive though.