Suicidal at Christmas time

[again2020]

I'm with an emotionally abusive bastard who drinks too much, doesn't speak with my family and calls me names when he's drunk.
I've had to sleep on the sofa the last 3 nights due to drinking, snoring and loud music and am emotional and exhausted.
Just had a row with MIL , she came round to get DD and I was hoping for some quiet to get jobs done but they stayed there and she wanted lunch. We had nothing in so I made her some toast. I was in the middle of jobs. She said I was doing it begrudgingly and I was nasty😬 I broke down and told her I was having a bad day.
I'm alone now. All very quiet and just thinking I'd like to end my life. I have no one fighting my corner and I will never win this battle. My heart feels like it's jumping out of my chest. I'm so afraid of what my partner will be like tonight after a days drinking. I have work tomorrow. I'm so anxious and unhappy. I can't go anywhere or talk to anyone, my parents don't want to know.
I really don't want to be alive anymore.

That sounds awful OP? Are you in a position to leave him?

Please take your child and leave. Make 2022 your year by getting rid of that abusive drunk.

@Nodney Not really although I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously thinking of leaving the family home and renting a flat as he won't leave and won't buy me out. I can't really due to lots of money being tied up in the house. But it feels like mental torture staying with him.

Please call the samaritans, a friend, or a relative. And then leave him, you deserve better than him and his family.

First of all, please connect with any of the organisation here, ASAP: www.supportline.org.uk/

Book an appointment with your GP and tell them how severe your feelings are.

Contact Women’s Aid to talk through your options. www.womensaid.org.uk/

ALL these people will fight your corner, as will this whole community. You reached out and we are here, so hold on.

Sweetheart. I am here in your corner, and others will be too. Don't give up. Things will get better - I know you won't believe me, but they can and they will.

Can you try to find a place within yourself that is you, the very core of you, before all this awful stuff happened, and hold on to her? Try to focus on that, and try to detach yourself from all of that other stuff. Then, later, you will be able to make a plan to get out of the mess in a way that will be happy for you and your daughter.

These organisations will tell you exactly what to do in order to leave this abuse OP. No one should have to live like this. I know it's a massive step for you but they will tell you what you need to do to get your life back. Just a phone call to start feeling better and more in control of your life.

I'm so sorry this sounds horrible. I know you must feel very trapped but there is always a way out. Yes the way out isn't perfect but it's a start!
How old is your daughter? Who's looking after her tomorrow when your at work????

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Thanks to everyone who replied
I thought I'd update:

My partner was drinking heavily yesterday, my DD was staying at MILs overnight. I couldn't bear not sleeping due to him drinking and the anxiety/rows so I went to my parents. As I should have guessed they did not welcome me. My father said he was 72 and nearly at the end of his life ( he is actually very healthy for his age) and didn't want to be around his children who were a disappointment to him! I ended up getting a hotel room where I got some much needed rest and was ok going to work this morning.

I did wake up thinking 'is this really my life?' and wondered how I had so many toxic people around me. I can only assume it's me, people have a problem with, as I'm common denominator.
Wondering how best to manage these relationships over Christmas with the minimum of arguments?

I'm so sorry your parents are unsupportive like that - it is NOT your fault. The way these people are behaving is absolutely horrific. You deserve so much better. Glad you put yourself first and got a hotel the other night. Keep putting you first. Can you find a small flat or share arrangement? You will make it work, it's preferable to continuing to feel this way. And please reach out to the resources posted above for support - you truly deserve kindness and support.

Hi,
Please, please contact Women's Aid or one of the other organisations mentioned above.
They can help you through this immediate time and offer longer term support too!

You will be entitled to equity from your house etc - you just need professional advice and guidance (as we all would).

You can do this!!! There is nothing wrong with you at all - it’s you’re situation that is wrong and making you feel trapped!

Please take the first steps of contacting the suggested organisations. Just one small step at a time!!! But keep taking them!!!

All the very best wishes!!!

Massive hugs op.

You’re right that you are the common denominator but that is NOT your fault. Your parents sound awful, emotionally unavailable at best and emotionally abusive possibly, and that means you’ve not had the support and tools to be in the relationship you deserve. MIL obviously is part of the package with your bloke.

There are nice and decent people out there. Please engage with one of the services people suggested earlier and let some of them help you to get to a better place. Your DD needs you, and you sound like getting rid of the negativity you are wading through will make you feel so much better.

You matter, you have so much to give and you deserve better.

OP, there are ways to get your property sold and get your money back. You can request an order of sale but you really need to get some legal advice on that one. Definitely get some advice from women's aid too. You just need to put a plan together. step by step and little by little - you and your little one can be free one day.Keep thinking of what that day will feel like.

Oh worries, I'm in your corner. We all are. Can you call a friend? A family member? Samaritans?

You deserve much better than that's. Make 2022 the year you leave your abusive h. 💐

Agree with the PPs to ring around all the numbers and ask for help.
Ring around to see if you can find a solicitor to get advice on the house.
Play some girl power songs and dance around in your imaginary beeacth boots. Picture you and your child in your own safe quiet place.

You can get away from all these toxic people and have a brand new life for 2022.

Focus on your own life and nothing and no one else (apart from your children). Use the next few weeks to plan your future, how you'll get money to get your own place, and how you'll leave. Your partner doesn't seem to be in a rush to leave you, so you can just ignore him, his family and your family for now. Focus on your future life and don't engage in any argument baiting, just totally dissolve any emotion you have attached in your relationship or your situation.

If you are suicidal, it truly means you've got nothing to lose, so you may as well try out some other tactics. Your survival is the most important thing right now. Prioritise yourself and doing any nice thing for yourself you feel like doing, even just for a few weeks, and Christmas is a perfect time to do it. Even with your dc, in the long run they'll be way better of remembering a Christmas that was a bit weird/shit just spent the whole holiday watching TV and looking at cheap flats on Rightmove, compared to the Christmas they lost a parent.

So sorry that you are going through all this. I am angry on your behalf that your father responded in such a heartless way. You deserve better than all these people! It really is not your fault. They are responsible for themselves and their behaviour reflects solely on them, not on you.

How we are brought up as children can sometimes influence our ability to see red flags and unhealthy behaviour. This is not our fault.

You can get through this and come out the other side OP.

Phone one of the helplines, and formulate a plan.

Rooting for you xx

You poor love.

You are not alone! Although we can't hug you, we can listen and help you. Please keep talking to us.

You need to get away from him, you know that.

Sending strength, keep going xx

Agree with the pp, you are the common denominator as in you are the one taking all the crap.

Your husband and his mother, must be hard hearing her supporting him when he's a drunk, and your father, he sounds a waste of time.

I think we can adopt roles from childhood but it doesn't mean others are right. They all seem like bullies, no wonder your defences are up having to constatly stand up for yourself.

The thing is with common denominators, when they dissapear and no longer available to abuse, there becomes a void.

Make steps to leave the people who have treated you badly, you don't need to put up with it, there is no law that states you must always remain with these horrible people.

Find better people.
Take care and stop turning this crap inwards, it's not your fault.

xx

Please, please don't leave your DD motherless at Christmas time. Or any time. You and her deserve so much more, there's so much ahead, but you may need to make some changes first. Leave him. Don't leave your little girl.

I think you need to lay down some very strong boundaries with your partner. If he wants to drink, then fine, you can't stop him. But he'll have to sleep elsewhere when he does. Could you get him to agree to that? Otherwise, he should be on the sofa not you.

But longer term it sounds like you need to be cooking a plan to get out. If you're married you'll get your money out of the house eventually. But money's not worth a miserable life.

You sound so lovely, but a bit ground down. It's so hard to see when you're in it, but you'll feel 100% better when you get away from him. He's pulling you down.

These relationships are like a bucket with a hole in. You keep trying to top them up with something better, but it just keeps draining away.

You can't fix it, you have to walk away. Women's Aid are really good at giving non-judgemental support.

[quote again2020]@Nodney Not really although I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously thinking of leaving the family home and renting a flat as he won't leave and won't buy me out. I can't really due to lots of money being tied up in the house. But it feels like mental torture staying with him.[/quote]
OP I can relate, though my situation wasn't as bad as you describe. What I can share is that I left with nothing, and in order to get a quick and easy divorce I took all the marital debt with me. I'm not going to pretend it was easy and I had 10 stressful years as a single parent getting back on my feet financially. But I would do all of that again because my sanity was more important. I came out the other side and have a good (if simple) life now.

You will be ok but you need to dig deep and find the strength to take the first step. And then after that, take just one step at a time.