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Original poster

Inability to buy presents for women

40 replies

TheMummilly · 19/12/2021 14:36

Just wondered if anyone might have an idea about what's going on with a man who develops an inability to buy presents for women. For context, this is not about my current situation as I am divorced but it is about my ex.
Go back about ten years or so before we split and he was more than capable of buying me surprise gifts like earrings that I hadn't asked for. But I noticed in the latter years that he would buy me the generic gifts. What's going on? How can someone lose imagination like that? People might say it's because he had checked out of our relationship but he's following the exact same pattern with our adult daughter now. It's like he can't think beyond what's in front of him in the supermarket?!

OP posts:
Suprima · 19/12/2021 14:47

He’s not buying nice presents because he doesn’t really give a shit

This isn’t a complicated personality quirk- he literally doesn’t care about making the women in his life smile and feel appreciated with nice gifts

Suprima · 19/12/2021 14:48

(He once did because he once cared about impressing you)

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/12/2021 14:49

I'm rubbish at choosing gifts for my family - doesn't mean I don't love them though.

I've discovered that the answer for me is to ask people what they want and then get it. Obviously it's not a surprise then though

Momijin · 19/12/2021 14:56

I'm a bit miffed at the moment actually. My bf asked me what I wanted for xmas. I have no problem buying him something that I know he would like because I pay attention and look at what he needs and what he says he likes. I don't want to tell him because I may as well buy it myself then and I think it is lazy. No man I've been with has bought me stuff that I thought was great.

I don't mind so much family asking what we would like or the kids would like, that's understandable but feel like your partner should know.

Nandakanda · 19/12/2021 14:56

Most blokes don’t give a minute’s thought to shopping/buying presents unless it’s for stuff that is actually useful.

Re surprise earrings, he probably asked sister/another women for an idea. Men just don’t think like that.

Original poster
TheMummilly · 19/12/2021 15:02

I don't buy the 'men just don't think like that' because it's fairly easy to think about another person you know reasonably well, what they do in their spare time, do they have a hobby, get something to do with that.

In fact, my ex did buy me something amazing about 20 years ago which was linked to my hobby at the time so I think @Suprima might be bang on the money.

OP posts:
Nandakanda · 19/12/2021 15:07

Suit yourself.

Salayes · 19/12/2021 15:14

Yea it’s true. Men lack the gene that allows them to think about another person, what that persons likes and then choose something that aligns with those likes. They are also unable to use words to ask what the person might like if they are in doubt. Really, it’s quite hard to lack that specific function as a reasonable adult who can do all sorts of other processing and predicting tasks, real big blind spot in their psyche, poor things. It’s not their fault. Wink

user1471538283 · 19/12/2021 15:15

It's because he didnt care.

92miles · 19/12/2021 15:23

Self-centredness increasing with age?

FabulousMrFifty · 19/12/2021 15:43

@Salayes

Yea it’s true. Men lack the gene that allows them to think about another person, what that persons likes and then choose something that aligns with those likes. They are also unable to use words to ask what the person might like if they are in doubt. Really, it’s quite hard to lack that specific function as a reasonable adult who can do all sorts of other processing and predicting tasks, real big blind spot in their psyche, poor things. It’s not their fault. Wink
What utter crap 💩
SpeckledlyHen · 19/12/2021 15:47

@FabulousMrFifty - i think the post from salayes was very tongue in cheek..

FabulousMrFifty · 19/12/2021 16:19

@SpeckledlyHen
Shame it wasn’t funny then
For my last ‘married’ Christmas my ExW got me a couple of Ties, that was a low point, a real no effort female gift.

whitewashing · 19/12/2021 16:27

My nephew buys very thoughtful gifts for his partner and his family…like women, they’re all different

PermanentTemporary · 19/12/2021 16:27

I was terrible at presents in the last couple of years of my marriage- embarrassingly so. The fact is that the tides of resentment at what our lives had become were so high that I just did not want to give dh anything more. I did still love him but we were at a low ebb and I really can't be sure if we'd still be together if he'd lived.

It's not hard to give and receive well if the love is new and exciting. It does get harder with the strains of life and with accumulated issues.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 19/12/2021 16:33

Thoughtful people buy thoughtful gifts. Their gender doesn’t come into it at all.

The people who excuse men from something so basic (because obviously, men cannot be expected to observe their loved ones’ interests and preferences and purchase gifts accordingly) are maintaining a culture in which men aren’t required to make this bare minimum effort. It’s a bit grotesque.

sunnyzweibrucken · 19/12/2021 17:49

I noticed as my parents marriage deteriorated my DMs gifts became more generic, less thoughtful. And it was because she stopped caring for him and was just full of resentment. She bought a gift because she was expected to and didn’t put an ounce of thought into it. I realize I do the same when I’m checked out of a relationship.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 19/12/2021 17:51

I think it's because he couldn't be arsed.
Hence why his presents became less thoughtful...

Spiderelf · 19/12/2021 17:57

I also think it's down to not caring or not believing he has to make an effort to secure guaranteed sex.

I do think some people, men and women, believe that women should only have perfume, underwear, jewellery and dressing gowns for presents. I will never forget a friend of mine being mortified on my behalf because my DH bought me a thoughtful DVD as a present. It was thoughtful because we'd meant to go and see the film together at the cinema but not been able to. But she was like 'Why on earth has he bought that and not chocolates and flowers?'.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/12/2021 18:18

My XH used to be reasonable at presents. When he checked out of the relationship, not so much. It was because he didn't give a shit, and was giving me my P45 soon, as it turned out. So it's not can't, it's won't.

Onlinedilema · 19/12/2021 19:03

I agree it's because they don't have to try.
I can guarantee if a man had a bit on the side he would put thought and effort into buying her great gifts. When the sex is guaranteed if he is thoughtless and doesn't care, any old tat will do.
I suppose the same could be said for women when they don't care either.

Salayes · 19/12/2021 21:13

It was, with an edge of exasperation at the idea that men somehow fundamentally lack the ability to do things like spend time thinking about gifts.

Very frustrating.

Salayes · 19/12/2021 21:13

@Salayes

It was, with an edge of exasperation at the idea that men somehow fundamentally lack the ability to do things like spend time thinking about gifts.

Very frustrating.

Sorry that was @SpeckledlyHen Smile
junebirthdaygirl · 20/12/2021 02:56

Sometimes l think it's just personality. I have 2 ds. One is amazingly good at buying presents but he works in a creative industry and is quite impulsive so just goes for it when it comes to selecting a present for his dp or anyone. He loves to shop and loves giving and receiving presents.
The other is more techie and just lacks imagination. He is not interested in shopping for himself so would struggle to pick something. He has very little interest in receiving presents and it is just not that important to him. Yet he is much more thoughtful in other ways and due to not being remotely impulsive probably a more solid type of person. Both have their strong points but their present selecting ability does not define either guy.

TreeSmuggler · 20/12/2021 03:12

I don't want to defend this particular guy because he sounds thoughtless, but to be fair I do think it's harder to think of good gifts for your partner as time goes on. Just because each gift occasion you cross more things off the list, as you've bought them already, and they have also accumulated more things in general as years go on.

To use your example of your ex buying you earrings at first, of course he had to stop doing that, you only have one pair of ears. After he has bought 2-3 pairs that's it really.