Inability to buy presents for women

[TheMummilly]

Just wondered if anyone might have an idea about what's going on with a man who develops an inability to buy presents for women. For context, this is not about my current situation as I am divorced but it is about my ex.
Go back about ten years or so before we split and he was more than capable of buying me surprise gifts like earrings that I hadn't asked for. But I noticed in the latter years that he would buy me the generic gifts. What's going on? How can someone lose imagination like that? People might say it's because he had checked out of our relationship but he's following the exact same pattern with our adult daughter now. It's like he can't think beyond what's in front of him in the supermarket?!

People might say it's because he had checked out of our relationship

.............. do you think !.

@SportsMother

I would also say -leaving everything else aside, some people are really difficult to buy for because they like-what-they-like, have everything already, hate waste and excess packaging, have a lot of requirements.

That's me. I am grateful to receive presents but deep down would always have preferred a different size, scent, colour etc. It makes me feel like my friends and family don't really know me. I'm quirky, people buy things that are too vanilla for my taste. I love one of a kind, hand crafted things, my family want to shop in M&S. I buy my own gifts from DH now, he's not thoughtless, he's thoughtful enough to allow me to choose something I really like and am excited about. I also hate surprises.

I have a friend who receives an extravagant gift each Christmas from her DH, it is always showy, from a popular brand (different each year but from somewhere popular) and usually completely useless to her. She is always delighted. I would be disappointed DH had wasted so much money on something I didn't want personally.

Because they stop caring and start taking us for granted.

Last month my new partner asked me 'what do you want for your birthday?' which I thought was lazy and my response was in the line of 'use your imagination, you lazy sod...''. He did get me a really nice present and put some thought into it as it reflected one of my interests.

Maybe the trick is to keep them on their toes...

I admit I'm hopeless at buying presents for the men in my life. So it isn't just a man thing.

My two ex partners - both were into entertaining, serious cooking and sport. But they always bought anything they needed for either. Whatever I bought was never good enough. If I bought experiences they wouldn't bother going. If I bought wine or truffles or whatever, they were ignored. Clothes & personal stuff would disappear - I assume binned, until there was no fun in giving and it just made me stressed.

My XH is now like this with our adult DDs too. In his case I think he has lost confidence in his present-buying ability, which used to be spot on (for me and them) but which has declined with his advancing MH problems. He can do the hearts and flowers stuff with his new gf but anything actually geared towards an individual’s unique needs he is completely lost on.

He still buys me £70 of my fave perfume twice a year though so I’m happy 😊

I struggle to buy things for my DH. He tend to buy most things he wants. After the first couple of years we set a budget and sent each other wish lists. There's more on the list than budget allows so what we get is still a surprise. It's so much easier and I don't think he loves me any less for not being able to read my mind.

@ElectraBlue

Because they stop caring and start taking us for granted.

Last month my new partner asked me 'what do you want for your birthday?' which I thought was lazy and my response was in the line of 'use your imagination, you lazy sod...''. He did get me a really nice present and put some thought into it as it reflected one of my interests.

Maybe the trick is to keep them on their toes...

So setting someone up for failure is a good idea then?

We've agreed not to buy anything major for Xmas this yr.
During the yr I'll buy her little bits, like her perfumes (Lancome, Chanel), I don't really get anything from her at all, but I'm not fussed. I much prefer to buy something for myself.
Something practical like I've just bought myself some speakers and a new amp but that took months of research, I wouldn't expect a partner to go into that much detail.

The children's presents are getting harder, we're switching to money now and they can choose themselves. Although the youngest wants to start horse riding that that might be my next investment.
Bit of a nuisance with this pandemic mind.

@Salayes

Yea it’s true. Men lack the gene that allows them to think about another person, what that persons likes and then choose something that aligns with those likes. They are also unable to use words to ask what the person might like if they are in doubt. Really, it’s quite hard to lack that specific function as a reasonable adult who can do all sorts of other processing and predicting tasks, real big blind spot in their psyche, poor things. It’s not their fault.

I do agree with which ever poster says that he just doesn't care though. If he was once capable of doing it but then not I think the reason is right there in front of you.

Been with my husband going on 20 years and he still surprises me and does pay attention to things I've said etc when buying gifts

@SportsMother

That's me. I am grateful to receive presents but deep down would always have preferred a different size, scent, colour etc. It makes me feel like my friends and family don't really know me.

But if someone says “I know you have super detailed requirements; do you fancy helping me out here?” Do you actually tell them something that would be acceptable, or do you no help them out?

Yes I do, I can list my favourite shops, things I like to receive, links if necessary. I am rarely asked though, your comment made me think when I last did this, and it was over 5 years ago for my 40th birthday.