Help!!

[LGMJ80]

Ladies advice needed!! My ex walked out at the beginning of the month, we had been divorced for a year but remained living together as a couple. However suddenly he left, comes back every day to see children etc. Whilst I was Christmas shopping on Wednesday he spoke to them whilst I was out and said he had a new woman and he would like them to meet her after Christmas and go for a few days skiing in Scotland! I am outraged as I didn’t have a clue!! Also he is refusing to tell them her name as he has professional reasons to keep it private!
Children are understandably very upset, leaders is refusing to speak to him!! Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this is too quick to do this to the children. Especially as he has just walked out in them just before Christmas?!? Please ladies I need advice!! My mind is going at 100 miles an hour and I can’t function, I need to to get through the next few weeks xx

Did the kids already know you had split!? How old are they
Whatever reasons he should have told you first out of respect.
By walk out do you mean he's moved out?

Hi, kids are 16. 14 & 8.
They knew we had divorced but we’re still trying to work things out. Just last months we were talking about moving to a different farm -all together! And now this!
Yes he’s moved out, we had a flat in the town close to us and he is in there.

I am really confused as to why you went the whole hog and got divorced if you were still living together and working things out?

On the face of it, he has met someone new a year after getting divorced. Nothing at all wrong with that. He should have told you before the children though, so you were prepared to deal with any fall out.

Your terminology suggests you still thought of yourselves as a couple though? Did you get divorced then both change your minds and decide to work at your relationship? In which case I can see why you are upset by him leaving you and immediately seeing someone else.

Or do you think you were on different pages, and you thought you were working at staying together while he wasn't?

If you are divorced, why are you upset that he has found someone new ?were you hoping for some kind of reconciliation?

We divorced as we had struggles, both of us loves each other but he felt like we didn’t need the paper to make things work. We both wanted to work things out and stay together. So I thought but now looking back I feel pushed into the divorce, I didn’t contest it or ask for anything as we were still going to be together. However here I am and he has the farm and house on the market, is telling me I can’t afford to live here and this woman has appeared. They have been messaging for just less than a month. To tell our children he wants to take them away with her when we have had hardly any holidays hurts but it’s more the fact of the speed of it all. He doesn’t really know her so why do this and tell them so close to Christmas. He also said he would see them on Christmas Day but would then be going to hers as he didn’t want her on her own!!

He told the children before telling you?

Yes Mumof3confused!

Get a good lawyer.

Definitely get a good lawyer

I’m confused about why you divorced but thought you’d stay together

How do I have a lawyer when divorce is signed and done?
We divorced and stayed together as neither of us truly wanted to separate. He has always told me he would be with me no matter what! Just the other week was saying how when he moved to new farm he wants us all to go and spend all the school holidays with him! I pointed out that if he had moved on and found someone else they might not like his ex and 3 kids turning up every 6 weeks and he said it was tough as we were his family! I think the OW is actually our accountant

I'm confused Why did you get divorced?

We had a lot of issues, trust has always been one.
Also he had a massive problem with my mum which only escalated when I disclosed that I was sexually abused as a child, she didn’t take it well and implied that I was attention seeking XH was livid. But in the arguments to hurt me he says I’m like mum!
I have poor communication skills in relationships and this has lead to a lot of problems too, we thought a divorce would be a bit like a clean sheet.

If your already divorced then a solicitor won’t really help you, unless you want to go back to court to challenge your settlement or something along those lines ?
Sounds a bit like he’s moved on and has got his new life planned out.
Sorry.

We divorced and stayed together as neither of us truly wanted to separate

I don’t want to sound unsympathetic but that comes across as completely insane.

And if they’re making holiday plans it highly unlikely they’ve only been chatting for a month.

I want him to be happy but I’m outraged at how it has all gone. And for our children too, he’s left us with nothing. To tell them 2 weeks into a new relationship that he wants to take them away with her is disrespectful I think to all of us

So to understand?

There were issues in the marriage?
There was a divorce where finances settlements etc were agreed.
Then you remained living together as a family, despite divorcing.
Then you had a convo about how inappropriate it would be to spend school holidays together if he met someone else (so at this point did you know he would at some point start seeing someone? I’m soo confused).
Then he moves out and wants to intro kids to the new woman in his life (she’s not the OW btw if you’re divorced).

Tbh it sounds like all he’s done is use you and the kids. Until he’s got someone else to move on with.
People don’t get divorced if they want to still be together. That makes absolutely no sense.

Sounds to me that if this other woman is an 'accpuntant' she has advised him a way to get out of this marriage with all his money.
After all he's lived with you a year to support you and is now selling the family home. Happened to a friend of mine also and she had to leave a 20 year marriage with nothing, Im not sure how it works though. He's played a good game.
If I was you cut your losses, move out and let him crack on. Build a life for yourself but ensure you get decent child maintenance from him.

I doubt anyone will be skiing in Scotland after Xmas. The way Omicron is going I think we will be in Lockdown again

Did you settle finances or just divorce?
Did you sign a clean break order?

If you didn't get yourself to a solicitor as you can do this at any point.

I'm still a bit shocked that you agreed to a divorce as a way of starting afresh.
I think he has been planning to leave you for over a year and has been leading you on so he could walk away with everything.

It sounds like this was his plan all along.
What a truly bizarre situation.

Surely you had legal advice when you divorced OP, how has this happened? Have you really been left with nothing?

@Gwennid yes I have nothing

Let me get this right he demanded a divorce but under the verbal agreement you would work through your issues and stay together, you’ve signed over all your rights AND this woman has ‘suddenly’ appeared in the last few weeks. A woman who he has known for a number of weeks but wants to meet the children?

You need to seek legal advice asap. I know you have divorced but legally you must be able to do something. You have been manipulated. I actually feel really sick for you. That woman is not a new girlfriend, I hope that’s dawning on you. You are going to need all your wits about you to fight these two nasty individuals!

This is a very strange situation. It made no sense to divorce in order to stay together.

It sounds to me like your XH has manipulated the situation - persuaded you to divorce (so he could leave you when he was ready) but deceived you into thinking he was going to stay so you didn’t ask for what you were entitled to. This strikes me as very abusive and makes me wonder if there was other abusive behaviour in your relationship.

I suggest you speak to a lawyer as soon as possible and ask if it’s possible to reopen the divorce settlement on the basis of undue influence by your husband.