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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In laws and christmas

29 replies

IrishMama2015 · 19/12/2021 00:56

Hi all,

I’m looking really to vent I guess and hear if anyone is in similar situation. Have been with and married to DH a long time. We have 2 small children. DH is from a large family and is more or less in middle. When we met he was very detached from family and has always struggled to be close to mother. When we were first together I worked hard on sorting this and for years things were great. Once our first DC was born things became strained as MIL suddenly tried to become interfering and domineering and was very nasty in her wording about our child. Was bizarre and lasted a year. Things returned to much more normal ground after about a year but there is a distance there. Our 2 DC are half the grandchildren they have but due to ongoing emotional disconnect between DH and MIL, they are always forgotten about and left out. I really believe her that it’s not on purpose or malicious and that she genuinely just doesn’t give them a thought . But I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to force them all into a relationship, I’m tired of trying to cover up to my DC when they ask why they weren’t invited included etc. Last year we were told to stay away on Xmas day to keep household numbers down with covid. But it turns out we were only ones of large family told that. We waited until Xmas had died down and DH visited in Feb and asked why and please to tell if we had offended but was told nonsense and all a thing of nothing and brushed off. We live ten mins away from them and see them only when we instigate it. Today I head they are hosting Xmas day and again we are only ones not invited. I know if we ask her about it she will say she thought she had asked us and of course we are welcome … But I’m tired of it. We missed an important extended family party as she was tasked with inviting all her children and again forgot us only. I have my own family and a very sick parent who we nearly lost several times this year, yet my parents always call and visit and invite us to visit and dote on all the kids. My own mother tells me to persevere with ILs for kids and DHs sake and to ignore the slights. But I’m drained now. I feel like just waiting it out and seeing if we don’t contact them will we ever again hear from them. AIBU?

OP posts:

Pantsomime · 19/12/2021 01:03

Don’t waste your time OP, remain polite and cordial, extend invites to them, don’t bad mouth them to anyone other than your DH. You can’t change how they are and you know it’s them not you. So you have any relationship with any of the others in DH’s family? If so try to maintain those, they will know it’s not you two it’s MIL.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 19/12/2021 01:13

Thank you for the reply Pantsomime. DH is very very close to his aunt and her husband and that is how we learned about Christmas Day today. They are really like parents to him but are also very close to his parents. They have tried at various stages to bring DH and MIL closer together but it doesn’t work. She does not agree there is any issue. The family is large and there is less than a year between each child and the child after my DH was stillborn and so there was trauma and he stayed with an aunt for a while as a young baby. I am only armchair psycho analysing maybe this is where it started. DH was no angel as a teen by any means but he is many decades past that now but just can’t seem to ‘win’ a place in her mind I guess

OP posts:

TedMullins · 19/12/2021 01:44

I don’t understand why you’d meddle in your DH’s relationship with his family when you first got together. Clearly the distance existed for a reason. Just leave them to it, not all families get on and sometimes it’s better to keep them at arm’s length if they’re not people who enrich your life

Weenurse · 19/12/2021 01:56

I understand you don’t want your DC left out, but you are only opening your family up to hurt if you continue.
Don’t instigate any thing with PIL, but do make an effort to catch up with siblings.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 19/12/2021 01:57

@TedMullins

Hi TedMullins, thank you for your reply. I was young and full of energy and enjoyed his siblings and extended family enormously and it was a big source of sadness for him so I wanted to help 'fix' it I guess. Now my priorities are different and energy levels lower and I feel sad for our DC to be missing out on what their cousins have I think and I know it's not 'fixable'. Christmas seems to be a flashpoint

OP posts:

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 19/12/2021 02:02

@Weenurse

I understand you don’t want your DC left out, but you are only opening your family up to hurt if you continue. Don’t instigate any thing with PIL, but do make an effort to catch up with siblings.

Thank you Weenurse. I think I know deep down if we stop instigating then there will be no relationship and I worry we will regret not struggling on for DCs sake. Also it still hurts my DH even at this age. But yes maybe we need to concentrate more on strengthening separate relationships with his siblings and their DC and let PIL be

OP posts:

noirchatsdeux · 19/12/2021 02:42

Having a relationship with their grandparents is not mandatory for your children. Trying to force one with ones that have more than proven they don't really care could do more harm than good.

I'm a firm believer in the 'not your family, not your problem' school of thought. Leave anything to do with his parents down to your husband.

Momijin · 19/12/2021 13:37

The kids won't care. My kids' grandparents live in different countries so only see them a few times a year. They're not an important part of their lives. My grandparents were very important to me because I saw them a lot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2021 13:52

"My own mother tells me to persevere with ILs for kids and DHs sake and to ignore the slights".

Please do not do this. Its more than just slights; these people are toxic towards both their son as your H and you people as his family.

Cherrysoup · 19/12/2021 13:53

Why is the aunt he’s close to not reminding his mother to invite him?

timeisnotaline · 19/12/2021 13:56

Just catch up with siblings (only if they aren’t part of the ostracising) and with aunt, again if a fresh look doesn’t show she’s part of it too since she knows what’s going on and didn’t exactly invite dh….
But if they are all well meaning, dh gets decent family relationships, his mum sees she isn’t having any effect and voila, better outcomes all round.

billy1966 · 19/12/2021 13:56

I don't understand why you have felt the need to meddle in his family.

She is not interested in your children, accept it.

Get on with your lives.

Invest in relationships within the family that are reciprocated and leave the ones that aren't.

You are causing drama that you really could avoid.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 19/12/2021 14:03

I think that this is your husband’s issue to attempt to resolve or to (very sadly and regretfully) draw a line under and move on from. Not yours.

Either he has a conversation, or makes the soul-sucking efforts to flog the dead horse without having a proper discussion with his mother about the stillborn child and the lack of relationship, or he admits that this is never going to change and grieves for that while lovingly maintaining the relationships with his aunt and siblings. But he leads and you follow. You don’t instigate. You support.

Drop the rope as they say here.

Your mother - while well-meaning - is making someone else’s family dysfunction your responsibility.

Tiptoearound · 19/12/2021 14:03

I had a huge fall out with my mil this summer which has now impacted on xmas arrangements as my dh has made it clear that he will not be attending with the kids & leaving me home alone so now his relationship is becoming strained with his own mother but I just wouldn’t get involved, I just have no communication with her & let my dh sort out any visits or contact if he wants to so I guess I’m saying just ignore them & if your dh wants to initiate contact them just let him sort himself

IncompleteSenten · 19/12/2021 14:04

If I were you I'd remove myself entirely.

If your husband wants to contact her and arrange visits then that's up to him but you should step right back.

Arucanafeather · 19/12/2021 14:17

Our dynamic was similar - although opposite. My ILs wanted to keep my DH their pliant little child and continue to live through him. I was young too and kept trying & had my Mum telling me I should persevere. It limped on till we had the kids and then my DH parents was extremely rude to me and I stopped trying & leave it to my DH now. So we don’t have the same close relationship we have with my family. It has become more healthier and rarely bothers me now. I “medium chill” them, friendly, polite, chatty but give them nothing about me. Look up medium chill. Great strategy for lots of situations. All the best.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 19/12/2021 14:22

Thanks all. I really appreciate all the different points of view. I definitely never meant to meddle, my husband is very quiet and introverted and I am more the leader in the relationship and it brought him a lot of happiness during the years we were closer to them. But I think I'm just rubbing salt in the wound for him now and he doesn't need reminding about how it is so I will just let it go. Thank you all and Arucanafeather I will be googling medium chill for the evening

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 20/12/2021 12:04

My own mother tells me to persevere with ILs for kids and DHs sake and to ignore the slights.

Your mother isn't having to live with the fallout - you & DH are.
There is no "for the kids & DH sake" in this scenario anyway - your IL's are unpleasant to you & their son, & treat your DC as "lesser". Nobody needs that.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to force them all into a relationship, I’m tired of trying to cover up to my DC when they ask why they weren’t invited included etc

So drop the rope.
Explain to the DC that the IL's aren't very nice to daddy so we don't bother with them much. & focus on your own side of the family.

You're exhausted - DH is upset - honestly, what's the point of going back for more abuse?

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 20/12/2021 12:21

Thank you ChargingBuck, this thread has made the situation a bit more clear for both of us. We felt as it's only us being left out of a large number then we had to have been in the wrong and didn't want to be so I guess arrogant to assume it was us in the right. But it's definitely time to drop the rope. My parents visited us at the weekend with tiny little Christmas robin decorations to give the DC which they had hunted high and low for as they remembered my Dc had asked the Christmas Robin last year to help my sick parent. They remembered and kept that in their heads and all without any involvement from us. It meant the world to DC and they were taken robbed last night instead of being put on tree. The contrast to other grandparents was stark

OP posts:

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 20/12/2021 12:23

*to bed last night

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 20/12/2021 12:26

@TedMullins

Exactly this.

Notonthestairs · 20/12/2021 12:30

It's not really a matter of people getting along is it? It's a mother rejecting, sorry "forgetting", to include one of her own children in family wide events.

But yes stop facilitating her and concentrate on those that return your love.

GutsInMay · 20/12/2021 12:42

Your DH has lived his whole life knowing what his Mum is like, and seemed to be getting in with it by being quite detached.

You talk about MIL being interfering, but do you not think that you have interfered? And really it is not your parents’ business to urge to to try snd recreate the relationship you have with them between the ILs and DH.

The more you try snd the more they reject him, and his children, You are just extending the hurt.

Keep up the great relationship with his aunt. Cherish the relationship between your kids and your parents. Leave his family to him.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 20/12/2021 13:26

Thanks all, I really do appreciate all view points. My parents love DH like their own and hopefully that makes up for some of the missing connection. Lesson learnt by me,unfortunately 20 years later, but I will no longer perpetuate the hurt

OP posts:

Inthewainscoting · 20/12/2021 15:26

As PPs said, drop the rope and concentrate on enjoying the company of the relatives you have a happy, uncomplicated relationship with.

DCs ask, reply, "I don't know dear" you could ring up Granny and ask her darling

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