In laws and christmas

[IrishMama2015]

Hi all,

I’m looking really to vent I guess and hear if anyone is in similar situation. Have been with and married to DH a long time. We have 2 small children. DH is from a large family and is more or less in middle. When we met he was very detached from family and has always struggled to be close to mother. When we were first together I worked hard on sorting this and for years things were great. Once our first DC was born things became strained as MIL suddenly tried to become interfering and domineering and was very nasty in her wording about our child. Was bizarre and lasted a year. Things returned to much more normal ground after about a year but there is a distance there. Our 2 DC are half the grandchildren they have but due to ongoing emotional disconnect between DH and MIL, they are always forgotten about and left out. I really believe her that it’s not on purpose or malicious and that she genuinely just doesn’t give them a thought . But I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to force them all into a relationship, I’m tired of trying to cover up to my DC when they ask why they weren’t invited included etc. Last year we were told to stay away on Xmas day to keep household numbers down with covid. But it turns out we were only ones of large family told that. We waited until Xmas had died down and DH visited in Feb and asked why and please to tell if we had offended but was told nonsense and all a thing of nothing and brushed off. We live ten mins away from them and see them only when we instigate it. Today I head they are hosting Xmas day and again we are only ones not invited. I know if we ask her about it she will say she thought she had asked us and of course we are welcome … But I’m tired of it. We missed an important extended family party as she was tasked with inviting all her children and again forgot us only. I have my own family and a very sick parent who we nearly lost several times this year, yet my parents always call and visit and invite us to visit and dote on all the kids. My own mother tells me to persevere with ILs for kids and DHs sake and to ignore the slights. But I’m drained now. I feel like just waiting it out and seeing if we don’t contact them will we ever again hear from them. AIBU?

[quote Inthewainscoting]As PPs said, drop the rope and concentrate on enjoying the company of the relatives you have a happy, uncomplicated relationship with.

DCs ask, reply, "I don't know dear" you could ring up Granny and ask her darling

As someone who did the same, I totally get why you have acted the way you have in the past. I still get the occasional urge to do so! Life is so much better for me now I don’t but it again took about 15 years before I got to that point. My own family dynamics played a part in that and I’ve had some counselling and my DH has had some independent counselling too and that has really helped.

Sadly you were never likely to truly mend a dysfunctional relationship that had faded into eatrangement.

Let me guess- your mum comes from a happy, functional background ? Her advice to do what you can to mend things was probably meant well but shows a lack of understanding about dysfunctional relationships.

Blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes it's for the best that family don't speak. Your MIL is sending strong messages to your family that they are not even an afterthought. Your h might be numb to that kind of treatment and used to his siblings being prioritised but it can't be good for the kids mental health. In future tell them you don't know why they weren't invited and if you can keep them away from news about family gatherings eg they have a social media account then consider blocking family feeds.

@cherryonthecakes thank you I think you summed it up with maybe DH is numb to it and used to it. And yes my mom would be from a large happy family!! Spot on.

And thank you @Arucanafeather for being so kind, yes probably my role in my own family was a factor in my early well intentioned attempts to 'help'.