So disappointed with friends its affecting my mental health

[Veryverysadandold]

I'm looking for some solidarity and advice and I guess a bit of a hand hold.
So I used to count my friends as the best thing about my life, I think they're amazing people but recently I feel so let down by them and feel like I don't really have friends anymore.
To cut a long story short I recently had a mental breakdown, got signed off work, put on pills etc. I don't usually talk about mental health openly as I was shamed for it as a child but on this occasion I told them all via text. What I really wanted was to see them in person as we very rarely do that now despite them living close by. Only one has actually seen me since then which was about a month ago. The others have sent nice texts but I just feel like it's not good enough. They never make the effort to see me, if I suggest something they will sometimes ignore the message or reply much later with an excuse. They all have their own issues as we all do but ffs I was suicidal and I feel like they don't care, that's pretty brutal right or am I overreacting? I feel so heartbroken because they used to be the joy in my life. I feel like a loser as my whole social life now seems to be my DP and my family and I haven't got anyone just to have a drink with or female company. Im so depressed thinking about my birthday in a few months because I won't have any friends there to celebrate with. I feel like it's made my mental health worse which I obviously won't tell my friends. What do I Do? Say something? Sack them off? Try and ignore my feelings? Also how do I make new friends in my mid thirties in a small town in a pandemic, cos I really need some new ones! Thank you if you've read this far and merry Christmas from Ebenezer scrooge

That is very disappointing.

Unfortunately people who are very supportive are few and far between. Many people are a bit fairweather. And with lots going on with themselves, tend to back off from somenge needing (they think) support that could go on and on/put a demand demand them etc.

I think sometimes pol feel like they have to protect their own mental health/not give too much etc.
There are also a lot of pretty selfish people around, lets face it.
You'll see people's true characters/whether their character includes the empathy, the ability to provide support etc. ... when you aren't cheerful, upbeat, happy etc.

It sounds like thd friendships were already taking a bit of a back seat/ changing before you suffered this episode of poor mental health(?)

New friends? Maybe some new hobbies, sports, classes, anything that's still happening .. my sister joined a running club, and found it quite sociable.

A lot of people are scared of mental health issues. That doesn't help you right now of course but I just wanted to say it so you wouldn't maybe think of it as something you've done.

It's like death...people shy away from it because it's actually terrifying to many people.

They don't want to think about it.

Don't even THINK about making new friends yet OP. Keep to your partner and family as that's where you're safest...opening yourself to new people right after a mental breakdown is far too risky as you might make choices you wouldn't usually...you're vulnerable still.

Look after yourself and forget the way the "Friends" have been....just do nice things at home for now or start a new hobby.

I’m so sorry you have suffered a breakdown and especially that your friends are not supportive. I find during these times and the pandemic that you can weed out a lot of friendships. It can be heartbreaking and adds even more pain to an already painful situation.
It does sound like the group may have drifted even previously to this from what you say, that they are non committal and take a long time to reply to messages.
Sometimes we are more invested in friendships and it’s not reciprocated.
It’s hurtful and I’m not really sure how best to deal with it. Maybe it s a process we have to go through.
As for new friendships, often mutual hobbies/clubs are key.
I hope you feel stronger soon and can work through this 🌹

I've had a terrible year, and have been very disappointed in people I thought would be there for me. Luckily, conversely, a few people I didn't expect to step up totally did. It really does show you who your actual friends are. Sadly the good friends I do have aren't especially local, plus I'm moving house in the new year, so I'm going to make a new start on finding my tribe again. Having had the year I've had, it's really hit home how we need a good, local support network. I hope you can find your tribe.

They should have come to see you. I'm sorry you've had a shit time.

I totally understand OP. The pandemic made me realise how few friends i actually have. I have 2 friends who actually message me and want to make efforts to see me. I used to have a big social group, I don’t know what went wrong and I don’t know how to get it back

Your friends are rubbish. It's them not you. I agree with pp, sometimes people are fearful of intruding when someone texts to say they are mentally unwell - perhaps they replied by text thinking you didnt want to chat about it. But they should have asked if you would like a chat, or company, or help. Maybe they have a lot going on in their lives, you never know. I dropped off the face of the earth to my friends for a while when I had mental health issues and they were just lovely and kind about it, I really didnt want to see or talk to anyone for a while. You never know what's going on with them maybe they are also in shitty situations. It might be worth reaching out in a phonecall - not a text - to find out what happened and saying, "hey where were you when I was unwell? I could have used a friend" and see what they say. Forgiving them remains an option.

Buy, you are completely right. You can also simply move on! Firstly, plan a birthday you couldn't do with friends around. Get a big family photo taken by a professional photographer. Or maybe have a huge breakfast with your family at a lovely cafe, then go out for a stomp round some woods or the gardens of a national trust property or something. Or go on a day trip somewhere you love.

Next, getting new friends is tough, but possible. You have to accept you are going to find some good candidates but it will fizzle out. I have finally found one utterly amazing friend via the school run, one nearby neighbour, and two through work who now both live overseas.

If I was your age and wanted friends, seeing as you have kids, I would try things like:

• invite mums back for coffee after the school run, work permitting (or ask them to stay during playdates)
• suggest a New Year drink on the Class WhatsApp, see if you get any takers
• join the PTA
• volunteer at a local cub/scout/ brownie/guide pack
• find a cause you like to volunteer at, or a hobby that seems like talking would be involved.
• get an allotment (it is a good community and you'll be very busy gardening which is great for your MH)
• don't be ageist or overly screen potential candidates, although be wary of getting close to attractive fellas of a similar age to you, as it is too easy to fall into an EA when you are lonely and vulnerable.

Really sorry that you’ve had a rough year. I hope you’re turning a corner

I live by the line: don’t judge other people by your own expectations.

It’s helped me a lot doing this because, as an empath, I’d be knocking on your door, reaching out with a takeaway, chocolate and a box of tissues. But I also know that not all of my friends would do that.

I have a choice to have the expectations I have do (or don’t) do. Who’s right and wrong? Back to the line above, who am I or you to judge? It is their choice to be there or not, not mine.

What is your choice is to decide if their choices [of not being there], are enough for you to decide if you want them in your life anymore? Can you get past the disappointment that their actions have given you?
Do you want to call them out on how their choices have affected you?

Something to reflect up on.

As PP’s said, there could be a whole host of reasons for their actions (their own MH, pandemic, busy lives, not feeling confident in dealing with suicidal thoughts, personal issues that they need to focus on). You have to weigh up if you’re willing to except this from a friendship, or not; and if you are prepared to talk to them about it.

I’m not making excuses for them but this year (well the last 20 months) has been extremely difficult, even for those without MH history or diagnosis. People have generally struggled and got through it using every effort and “well-being” advice thrown at them. I’ve seen a lot of people power through on their own or in their own family bubble - taking on nothing but their own issues (family, work, house, life) to get through as unscathed as possible. I think friendships have suffered. It’s been almost accepted that, “you do you, and I’ll do me, and we will catch up at some point”, mentality.

Without sounding harsh, adding a more extreme version of MH to their life (suicidal) they may have though, I can’t add this to my life and bowed out of getting too close to you. It’s shit for you of course (back to the beginning of my post, I wouldn’t have - I make awesome care packages and would be on the phone to your husband to ask what I can do to support) but not all people think this way.

I like to think of this analogy - on an airplane, during the safety briefing, the words: please fit your own mask before helping others. Perhaps, just maybe, they didn't have the headspace to help you.

I hope you’re getting the professional treatment you require.

I wouldn’t stress too much about making friends. Being alone isn’t always about being lonely. Take up a hobby because you want to do it, making a friend is a bonus from it. I’ve made the most awesome friendships when I’ve least expected it. So try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

It sounds awful and I understand why you would feel disappointed in them. However, although it has clear it been worse for you, don't underestimate the effect the last 20 months will have had on them. I consider myself to be a decent feiend, who will help and support as much as i can when my friends are in need. This year I know I have offered less support than usual - we have had our own issues to deal with and apart from one major bereavement, my friends would be unaware because I do not wish to add my concerns to theirs. I also have other people, closer to hone if you like, who are having real problems to cope with and what energies I have, are going on them.
For all I know, you could be one of my friends (but unlikely), I would be devastated to read your post, but at the moment, I have no more to give.

Wow thank you everyone, really thoughtful advice from all which is much appreciated, your kind words have really cheered me up. I think there are some good points about the pandemic and everyone struggling. Love the birthday advice!

How did you word your text op?

When I started work in the field of mental health, it was a huge shock to me to learn from CPNs ( Community Practice Nurses) how often people would use the term suicidal in order to guilt trip/ threaten others or draw attention to themselves. Some people would have their partner's/ friends/ family members in a permanent state of anxiety not knowing if or when this might happen; threats like this going on for 30 years or more.

Unfortunately very often those who are genuine in their intention often go ahead without warning.

As suicidal ideation is taken very seriously indeed, it is best to tell people who are qualified to help you.

It adds an extraordinary amount of burden, powerlessness and grief to the people you tell you are suicidal.

It's a cry for help that many people would find devastating and not mentally able to cope with.

It's your possible death that you are asking someone to help you not to do which in itself is brave from you.

It really is best to call the Samaritans or Mind or tell your GP or Talking Space Plus if you have suicide ideation.

My heart goes out to you for feeling in such a dark space and for reaching out to those who were not able to cope.

I don't think it should be a reflection on them though. They might be lovely people but completely feel out of their depth.

I hope you have reached for help through the channels I have mentioned.

Good luck op

Dear Op,

A few heartfelt thoughts.

Like you l have been very hurt and disappointed by some people in my life who l believed should have supported me when going through a tough time this year.

However if l take a step back, l can see that their lack of empathy has always been a feature in our relationship - in lots of smaller ways they have always been a bit like this but it took a crisis for it to be highlighted in super shiny technicolour. If l am honest, our relationship existed because l did most of the work and when l couldn’t do that anymore then the cracks were really exposed.

It does sound from your post that these friendships had already been relegated to the level of contact of text.

I have an old friend who communicates in this way. She seems very avoidant around actually meeting up in person. I called her out on it a month ago. She really didn’t see it. As she texts regularly and got her DH to do some (paid) odd job for me she felt she had supported me.

Bicktoria Veckham’s post had got it spot on - maybe the way forward is to accept that everyone has different value systems around what it means to support someone else.

Try to let go off the ‘should of’s’ regarding friends’ behaviour (much easier said than done and l really need to work on this one as well)

Sometimes people are terrified of doing the wrong thing and making someone worse. So they do nothing.

As a teacher, l have had experience of a child disclosing suicidal thoughts to me. I was very concerned about saying or doing the wrong thing. Thankfully in schools there is a clear system to follow if this happens but l guess with friends they might not have the wherewithal to respond in the way you need.

But you do have the choice to think very carefully about these friendships. Are your friends a good fit for you at this difficult time?
Can they offer you what you need?

I came to the conclusion that l needed regular contact with a variety of people so have joined a book club, a film club, a walking group and have started having tennis lessons. These events happen regardless.
They make me feel secure.

Truly hope the New Year brings some happier times for you

xx

I have supported a loved one through SMI. It almost broke me and our relationship. I would not put myself through the torment of doing that with a friend. That might sound harsh but it is the reality. It is not about empathy or a lack of understanding. It is about knowing all too well how hard helping someone with SMI can be.

What is your exact expectations of your friends? Is it realistic given the time of the year and there is a pandemic. Remember they are friends with their own lives and loved ones. It’s fairly normal for people to have a lot less time for friendships and socialising.

All good points thank you everyone. To clarify, I didnt actually say/message them 'I am suicidal'. Its not something I think anyone wants to share and only my doctor knew until this year when I had to tell DP because of medication etc but certainly didn't want to. It was more explaining I've been struggling with MH, signed off work and would like to see people when possible. I think it's just hurt because I've done my best to support these friends recently with their own issues, always offering a range of options and ask how they would like to be supported, sending gifts etc. Its good to know I'm not alone in this from pp but don't wish anyone to feel like this! I just miss my old life.

It’s a difficult one OP— I think the last 21 months have been a very unrealistic time and also changes in people’s working habits too. I’ve got one friend who simply isn’t keen on going out at all at the moment , one who is the other way, so you area bit on tenterhooks as to where she’s been, who has she been around, and onexsho wants everyone bringing LFTs if you meet up— it’s all quite odd but I do know we all react differently to stress in ourselves and stress/illness in others. Family life for some is challenging too, anxious elderly parents etc, etc — I think your friends are being thoughtless but it’s probably not an intentional slight , more they have other things getting in the way — I would maybe text individually and say you would love to see them and miss them etc

Yes this is reassuring thank you, I have messaged privately but still very vague from them. I've decided to focus on people who I can rely on from now on, and not do a dramatic 'fuck you all then' (as I would secretly love to do as per another thread on here, but realistically it's not good to burn bridges).

Dear Op,

Sounds like a good plan. Best not to burn bridges but time will tell.
It does sound like these friends are not a good fit for you right now.

Sometimes this happens. I have a wonderful friend who l met in my 20’s. However in our 30’s we drifted as l had children and she didn’t. Our lifestyles were incompatible plus we lived miles apart. We actually lost touch completely until about 6 years ago when weirdly on the first birthday l had without my lovely Mum, l received a letter from her out of the blue. Since then we have rebuilt our friendship- my children are grown now and we both can meet again as two women in their 50’s who have both gone through relationship breakdowns.

She has been the most empathic and supportive friend to me in the last year since my marriage broke up. But we had a period where we couldn’t be there for each other.

When it comes to making arrangements l also favour a direct approach. Being vague and general about meeting up often means nothing happens. I find my best chance of getting a solid commitment from someone is to offer them something very specific. Eg How about a walk followed by coffee and cinnamon bun at the park Tues 2pm? This can really help with specifics.

However it does sound that you have done more than your fair share of arranging things so focusing on putting your energy on reliable people is going to leave you feeling secure and valued.

@Veryverysadandold

Yes this is reassuring thank you, I have messaged privately but still very vague from them. I've decided to focus on people who I can rely on from now on, and not do a dramatic 'fuck you all then' (as I would secretly love to do as per another thread on here, but realistically it's not good to burn bridges).

I feel like this too I am sorry you have been through so much

I'm not even sure I have bridges to burn. Everyone has gone so insular, in some cases because they are happier without friends and the lockdowns have been a plus for them.

I have to be a bit more self reliant but I feel odd at the moment, especially as I have a birthday coming up and it's likely to be another lockdown one.

I feel so let down, rightly or wrongly. DP seems to manage well without friends, he has a group he plays football with and that's it.

I really miss the back and forth messaging I used to have with my friends, especially as a SAHM.

Sorry, that was a bit of a self pitying thing.

Hi @Veryverysadandold
So sorry you’re feeling this way. I think though, like others have said, your friends may be a bit unsure of how to deal with your sadness and are like rabbits caught in the headlights. Maybe none of them want to say the wrong thing or overstep. Don’t write them off. Perhaps they could’ve done more, maybe they don’t realise the extent of your sadness or haven’t experienced anything like it themselves so don’t know how to approach it.
It’s also not a normal time with covid, an awful lot of people are covering up their own struggles and genuinely can’t deal with anymore bad news. I’m not saying all this to make you feel worse. Quite the opposite. If you can see it from a different angle, perhaps they are having hidden problems too, it’s not that they don’t care. And a lot of people know how to sympathise/help with a friend with a broken leg but less so with a friend with a MH issue. Don’t burn bridges.
Look after yourself and the very best of luck with your recovery

Actually just reading @Whatdirection ‘s post, that is a very good point. At different points in our lives we have more/less energy and time for other people. Your friends could be overwhelmed with ageing parents, jobs, kids, partners or just life. They may only have so much to give at the moment but it’s not to say you won’t value them in time to come.
And yes too to giving a firm direct invite to them rather than letting them take the lead and being disappointed. Ask them to go for a quick coffee or walk and take it from there.

@Bookwormfromhell

Actually just reading *@Whatdirection* ‘s post, that is a very good point. At different points in our lives we have more/less energy and time for other people. Your friends could be overwhelmed with ageing parents, jobs, kids, partners or just life. They may only have so much to give at the moment but it’s not to say you won’t value them in time to come. And yes too to giving a firm direct invite to them rather than letting them take the lead and being disappointed. Ask them to go for a quick coffee or walk and take it from there.

I understand the point about energy but it's been nearly two years.

OP was in the worst situation. I'd not long had DC. Being told, when we could mix, that people didn't want to mix because they were having such a good time not leaving their big house except for country walks, and having everything delivered.. I understand they don't want to come to London now they don't have to.

We want to get out of London. But these people just cut me off. Like, were all those years of friendship just fake?

If they ever try to come back, they'll get what they gave me.

I have experienced something quite similar...mental breakdown, hospitalised, let a few close friends know a little of the situation. Worded it as being unwell with post traumatic stress disorder and taking a rest.

I know it was confronting, I made a conscious decision to be authentic.

It was interesting to me how they responded. One was shocked, called right away and called or texted each day until we met up when she took me out to lunch. I so appreciated that. I could see she was fearful and I will always remember how she pushed through her discomfort to be a good friend to me.

Another one surprised me very much. Our friendship had been weighted in terms of me supporting her so it was a big moment for me to be vulnerable. Again I was impressed by her sincere response and it has been great for our friendship, it is much more even now.

The third friend, well. She is a social worker so I assumed she would be able to handle my confession about not coping but she was rather strange. She had left a message asking to meet up and I texted back saying I wasn't very well so wouldn't be able to. She then asked what with and I indicated mental illness but kept it a bit vague. I said I was in a recovery unit and her response was "Enjoy!"
followed next day by "where is that place you're in just out of curiosity?"

Her response was cold and inappropriate and really quite telling of her lack of emotional intelligence.

A year on, my friendships with the first two have thrived and the third friendship has waned. It helped me see her how she is rather than being fooled by the words she spouts (I'm so kind and caring)

It's hard when you're in it, everything is so intense and even the smallest obstacles can feel insurmountable.

But I think if you can keep pushing, one day at a time, soon enough you have the framework of a coping mechanism. And letting the more shallow friendships wane is very useful, it makes way for time with more authentic people.

In short, I believe it's all part of recovery, this discovery of the truth of the people around us.

Take care OP, you're worth it.

The pandemic has definitely exposed cracks. One person I really thought was a close friend and only lives a short distance away hasn't met my second child ... shes 14 months now. Bearing in mind it's not about fear of the virus as she's had multiple foreign holidays in that time

@YukoandHiro

The pandemic has definitely exposed cracks. One person I really thought was a close friend and only lives a short distance away hasn't met my second child ... shes 14 months now. Bearing in mind it's not about fear of the virus as she's had multiple foreign holidays in that time

Yes...the person suggesting an outside meeting has been in the office and had a kitchen refurb.

I see where I am on the list.

I have, naively, been taken aback by MN posts talking about having no friends due to feeling obligation, but now I suddenly get it.

Where are you based OP? X