So disappointed with friends its affecting my mental health

[Veryverysadandold]

I'm looking for some solidarity and advice and I guess a bit of a hand hold.
So I used to count my friends as the best thing about my life, I think they're amazing people but recently I feel so let down by them and feel like I don't really have friends anymore.
To cut a long story short I recently had a mental breakdown, got signed off work, put on pills etc. I don't usually talk about mental health openly as I was shamed for it as a child but on this occasion I told them all via text. What I really wanted was to see them in person as we very rarely do that now despite them living close by. Only one has actually seen me since then which was about a month ago. The others have sent nice texts but I just feel like it's not good enough. They never make the effort to see me, if I suggest something they will sometimes ignore the message or reply much later with an excuse. They all have their own issues as we all do but ffs I was suicidal and I feel like they don't care, that's pretty brutal right or am I overreacting? I feel so heartbroken because they used to be the joy in my life. I feel like a loser as my whole social life now seems to be my DP and my family and I haven't got anyone just to have a drink with or female company. Im so depressed thinking about my birthday in a few months because I won't have any friends there to celebrate with. I feel like it's made my mental health worse which I obviously won't tell my friends. What do I Do? Say something? Sack them off? Try and ignore my feelings? Also how do I make new friends in my mid thirties in a small town in a pandemic, cos I really need some new ones! Thank you if you've read this far and merry Christmas from Ebenezer scrooge

I've found that the people I have most fun with are different from the ones who support me in the tough times. Its probably to do with personality type, happy go lucky, pleasure seeking versus quieter and more reflective. I think its very fortunate to find one group capable of meeting all your needs. I'm sure your friends will still be there when you're up for drinks again, and you may well still enjoy their company on that more superficial level, while seeking support elsewhere.

I think the pandemic has been brutal on friendships. It’s really left me feeling bereft of local support to be honest. I really want to start taking up new hobbies and meeting new people but have no idea how to start

@moremoony

I think the pandemic has been brutal on friendships. It’s really left me feeling bereft of local support to be honest. I really want to start taking up new hobbies and meeting new people but have no idea how to start

Try walking / hiking clubs (or running if you’re more sporty). We’ve got roller disco, netball, badminton etc near us as well as community cafes, churches and more specific clubs like choirs, line dancing and book clubs.

Sorry that you feel this way. I’ve made some lovely friends through sheer luck - and unexpectedly too (in terms of age, gender etc) but friends for life

I've been through the same thing OP but I had physical health problems. It really hurt. These were friends I'd had for 20 years and to learn that actually, when the chips are down they don't give a shit was pretty difficult to take. I wanted to message them all a massive fuck you but I held back. I dont really know how to I've forward with the relationships, I don't feel like I can meet them and have a fun, relaxed time when I've got this unresolved anger towards them. I'd never ever have treated them the same way. So what do you do? Cut them off and have no friends? Are shit friends better than no friends? I don't have the answers but just know that youre not alone in going through something like this and it does hurt, it certainly did effect my mental health and you've got every right to feel the way you do. I think some people are just in it for the good times and can't be bothered to step up when times are tough. It's been remembered though and I won't put myself out for these people ever again that's for sure.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Please don’t internalise it. They probably won’t be supportive when another friend needs help.
Sometimes in our 20s and early 30s our friendships can be based around drinking and socialising. It’s all about having a fun time. And these can be your good time friends but not necessarily the one or two friends we need as our rocks when the going gets tough.
Often friendships based on a shared hobby, church or through volunteering are the more solid. I would consider some of these.

I would just like to say that maybe your friends are struggling too. Maybe they arent the type to ask for your help. I am always amazed that people think that they know whats going on in my life. I am a very private person, I have had problems buT dont wish to share them. Your friends may be the same. Theres you wanting support because you have asked but maybe they cant. They may be in exactly the same position.

Hi all sorry I haven't responded, I needed to step back from thinking about it as it was really hurting, I really appreciate all your messages, honestly they have helped a lot. You are all amazing. @Papertrail392 you could basically be the voice inside my head!
Over Christmas I decided to take a massive step back and focus on other people. I've had a nice time but still miss them and it hurts,I think I find it hard because they message a lot but don't seem bothered about meeting or even phoning. Still, I feel grateful to have the good people in my life and as paper said, I won't be putting myself out for them anymore! Happy new year everyone, here's to better friendships ahead xx

Just found this and totally identify. I'm sorry you've been let down, op, it's so hurtful when friends don't treat you as well as you think you would treat them in a situation. I hope you're feeling a bit better.

I think we're all rewiring our friendship boundaries and I'm not especially keen on how the pandemic has changed some people we know.

I've just had what I thought was a close friend of years make out they were supporting me when they were actually using me for something I could offer them, to save them paying for it. It was quite cleverly done, has escalated over a few years and I feel a right idiot for not realising.

When I finally twigged (by dp catching her out in a lie through a chance conversation in the pub with her dp) I very gently called some of the behaviour out and have been totally dropped. The early warning signs were there - flaking on arrangements, occasionally selfish behaviour, and I should have bailed then rather than giving the benefit of the doubt.

I'm so interested in how others set and reinforce their boundaries as I think I have some cf-sized gaps in mine.