How do you cope when his mental health has dragged yours down ?

[cantseeforlooking]

My DH has periods of poor mental health,currently really low due to a series of unfortunate events that have happened over the last few months .

I have spent our entire relationships trying to keep it all together and in turn now my mental health is knackered, I am due to start a course of CBT in the new year and have a prescription of AD's to pick up Monday .

If I try to talk about how I am feeling , his response is "yeah me too" "I've been like it for years" "you are not as bad as me" "no your not,you're just miserable" etc

I think some of it comes from the fact he has been allowed (not the right word ,I know !) to be poorly and I've always been the 'fixer'and now I'm crumbling he can't face that his safety net might be there anymore so it might come from a place of fear but where is my comfort or my allowance of sympathy?

Early this evening , I told him I was struggling a bit tonight , that I felt a bit overwhelmed with how much was left to do for Christmas and his response was "well do you feel like hanging yourself from the banister, cause I do, no ? Well shut up moaning" he won't and there is not threat at all behind his words but for goodness sake , I was talking about me !

He is on meds but we have had an awful lot of bad luck lately so I understand why he is low but he refuses to count his blessings and I'm out of patience . I don't even know what I expect to gain from writing this thread , maybe just some company , he is currently downstairs sulking because I refused to engage with the game playing and came up to bed .

People can have poor mental health and still be an asshole. They are not mutually exclusive.

Also worth pointing out though that narcissists and similar always like to one up you in the 'look how ill I am' Olympics. So that could also be going on here.

Either way,seems pointless to me for you to seek to pull yourself out of your slump whilst you have this ball and chain wrapped round your ankle, intent on dragging you down.

You don't owe anyone your support if it's obvious they would not do the same for you. And it is obvious that this is the case with him.

You will never be able to pull him out of the void. But you still have a chance yourself to be happy. I'd say, choose you.

I don't think this is a fix it situation. Because he is just not a nice person.

You are probably struggling with what's known as a 'caregiver burnout' - putting everyone's needs above your own to the point your mental health takes a beating and your are emotionally exhausted. It's not your fault and you must look after yourself.

You are just as important as your DH.

I know you say you've sadly had a lot of bad luck recently. But that doesn't give your DH permission to speak to you like that. Mental health is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Was he like this before all the bad luck started? Have you ever felt loved by him? Taken advantage of?

I'd ditch someone who said that shit to me. No joke. Partner, family member or otherwise.

Your mental health would probably improve. Stop enabling him to wallow.

@Pinkbonbon

People can have poor mental health and still be an asshole. They are not mutually exclusive.

Also worth pointing out though that narcissists and similar always like to one up you in the 'look how ill I am' Olympics. So that could also be going on here.

Either way,seems pointless to me for you to seek to pull yourself out of your slump whilst you have this ball and chain wrapped round your ankle, intent on dragging you down.

You don't owe anyone your support if it's obvious they would not do the same for you. And it is obvious that this is the case with him.

You will never be able to pull him out of the void. But you still have a chance yourself to be happy. I'd say, choose you.

I don't think this is a fix it situation. Because he is just not a nice person.

100% this.

Narcissist's have to feel worse than you.

My exh shouted at me after I gave birth as he just couldn't handle the fact I was in pain and he was fine.

They also lack empathy massively too

I have had poor mental health in the last, I had a breakdown. It does not give someone the right to act like a total arsehole to their partner. He sounds nasty op.

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you put on anyone else's. You also can't pour from an empty cup. So look after yourself, even if it's distancing yourself from your OH, or physically taking a break away.

And as pp said, MH issues and behavioural issues are not mutually exclusive. You can be unwell AND be a dickhead at the same time. Only you can tell if that's the case, assuming he's had some better periods?

He is a selfish arsehole. Leave him.

Early this evening , I told him I was struggling a bit tonight , that I felt a bit overwhelmed with how much was left to do for Christmas and his response was "well do you feel like hanging yourself from the banister, cause I do, no ? Well shut up moaning" he won't and there is not threat at all behind his words but for goodness sake , I was talking about me !

He told you to "shut up moaning" when you described how you were feeling. How horrible of him. What would have happened if you had said "how about YOU shut up moaning". I think he is exploiting his ill health to make sure you don't complain and have no issues yourself that might require his help or sympathy. I appreciate this might be his disease speaking (or not) but does it matter? Can you live like this? Presumably the series of events that have made him incredibly low have affected you too? Yet you aren't even allowed to talk about how you feel without an insulting reply. He could have said "I'm so sorry, I know you must be feeling down but I just cannot help you because of my own issues" - not the insulting, rude and dismissive "shut up moaning"

I am well aware that a lot of his behaviour comes from just being an arsehole and isn't connected to his mental health .

Ironically I gave him the excuse of 'mental health' when one weekend several years ago I called for help after a particularly bad incident and he was sectioned for a short time . He has been on meds since and it has been an excuse for all sorts since .

It's just crap and I hate the person I've become for it

What’s your situation? Could you take a break from him for a bit? Life’s too short to be this miserable - so many women sacrifice so much staying with partners who inevitably bring them down.

You might consider leaving. I think it would give you a new lease of life. He’ll most likely threaten suicide, but that’s his call.

I would definitely plan a separation at least.

I’ve considered leaving my depressed DH when he is unbearably mean or draining (so draining for so long).

OP that sounds so tough. You've already said you recognise that him being a dick may be separate to his mental health so forgive me if this just hammers that point home. My husband has depression and has been on ADs for YEARS. I'm generally OK but every so often will just have a wobble - nothing as serious as you, I'll just feel stressed/burnt-out/insomniac etc. When that happens I'll say to him 'I know you probably feel worse, but I'm struggling at the moment and feel like I need some help'. He has NEVER made me feel bad for this and even in his lowest points has tried to do what he can to give me the support I need. It's never a competition about who can be the saddest. I know you've tried to talk to him and he's not taking it on board - does he just expect you to help him, no matter what? Because that's not fair, and it's not how relationships work x

@Pallisers

The events have affected me massively too , we've had his work van and tools stolen twice within 3 months which have led to money issues as he couldn't work, last month my car was written off by a drunk driver and the insurance are dragging their feet,that happened as covid hit the entire household and both dh and I were ill and again couldn't work (this is what has made me wobble about Xmas as I'm out of time and working to a tiny budget) .

All of it affected me , but I'm not both bothered according to him because it's HIS van and HIS business and MY car was poxy anyway . The insurance money I am waiting for is absolutely pecking his head just now as he has nothing in his bank and he knows the money is due . It's bothering him that I might be the one on top shortly , I see it as family money (I don't need another car ) but he won't rest until he has spent it on what he thinks he should . If I'm honest he knows it's enough for me leave so he needs to get it spent quickly . That sounds even worse out of my head and on paper but I do think there is some truth in it

It's just crap and I hate the person I've become for it
Do you work? Do you own your house? Fo you have family? What are your options? How can you leave him?

It's bothering him that I might be the one on top shortly , I see it as family money (I don't need another car ) but he won't rest until he has spent it on what he thinks he should . If I'm honest he knows it's enough for me leave so he needs to get it spent quickly
Youre stupid if you let him get this money. Absolutely ridiculous. Put it in an account in just your name and leave him.
Why are you choosing to live such a miserable life?

Get your own bank account and make sure the money for your car gets sent there. Get on it ASAP.

The way you are describing him op, why on earth are you wasting your life on this person. You are describing a jailer...who views you with contempt and intends to keep you down. Not a partner.

Your partner is supposed to lift you up and love you. Not treat you like the competition.

@Greenmarmalade

I have told him many times over the years that It holds no weight at all with me threatening suicide .if he did , that's on him , not on me .

It's a harsh conversation to have with someone but it came out of the frustration of being denied /held back/stopped from doing something by having to rush home or being held over a barrel by his threats . I take no notice of it usually now but tonight it hurt my heart as I just wanted a cuddle and some reassurance and that was his response

@FallonCarringtonWannabe
Yes I work ( above average salary although not quite higher tax bracket yet )
2 Dc's ( not his)
My own bank account
Live in a long term rental (both named on tenancy)
2 CCJ's due to robbing Peter to pay Paul , I can't get another tenancy because of poor credit just now although I am on a payment plan to sort this eventually.
I just feel a bit stuck and I can't believe this is what I've become after being so well put together .
The good times did always outweigh the bad but the balance has tipped with everything going on and I can't find the strength for change ( I am well aware that if I was reading this I would be thinking "well your the maker of your own misery then !" But until your living it and all that ! )
This is first time I have really thought about where I am and what I'm doing , writing it down makes it so obvious ,

It’s not a competition!! Your allowed to feel down and he should comfort you regardless!

We’re not talking about him being down and having a hard time, we’re talking about you, because you matter too!

I’d tell him to buck his ideas up and show some sympathy and compassion or leave!

Use your insurance money to get out. Am sure you will feel a whole lot better when his dead weight is off you. He’s an arsehole-that’s not a medical term by the way and is not a by product of depression.

It's just crap and I hate the person I've become for it

You don't have to leave today or tomorrow. But you can and will leave and have a much nicer life without this dragging you down. He isn't going to change - sorry but that isn't going to happen so getting out is the best possibility for you. He IS an arsehole. That he has a mental health diagnosis is incidental to that.

You deserve a life where you don't live with someone who is so horribly dismissive of your needs. you matter too as a pp said. you matter a lot.

Make sure you take that insurance money and put it somewhere he can't access it. Give it to a friend or put it in a bank account he has no access too.

Imagine if this time next year you were planning christmas dinner with your children without him - and you haven't thought about him for a good while. How nice would that be? It can happen

OP you're allowed to have feelings regardless of your partner's mental health and your partner should support you.

2Dc's ( not his)

Split for their sake
They will be suffering depression fallout too
How old and what do they say?
And are no relationship to him
Do they at least spend time with their other parent for break?
When is your break?

The main thing for me with this is your CHILDREN are living it. And they dont need to. He is not their father.

The good times did always outweigh the bad
The good times are never enough to outweigh emotional abuse when it comes to children. Hiw many more years do they have to endure this before you do something? How much more Emotional damage must they suffer?

The maker of your own misery? no , that is him. But you are certainly causing your children’s misery. And that is unforgivable.

You need to stop wallowing and get this emotionally abusive man away from your children. They deserved a better childhood than this. They deserve an adult life where they dont view this as normal.

You rent. You have options. Speak to your landlord.

He’s not providing your children with a lavish lifestyle - just giving them a miserable mum! They aren’t his kids - no reason at all to stay. Get out of it sooner rather than later and you’ll be glad you did. Your children need you to act now - they’ll resent you for staying when they are older and you’ll regret it.