Husband doesn’t love me anymore

[lotsofmumlove]

Hi there, I’m absolutely petrified . After weeks of me giving DH his space to think . My husband told me he doesn’t think he wants to be with me anymore , doesn’t love me anymore feelings just not their.
I’ve got two dc very young 4 and 18 months and I feel such a failure they won’t have a mummy and daddy together anymore :( .. no kid wants that .
We have a nice home we were doing fine didn’t see it coming.
Now I’m scared of everything . Won’t be able to afford to live here anymore. Will be living in a shed. Just not the life I planned hoped for for the kids :( or us..

To top it all off we’re stuck in the house together as both have got covid isolating, and then he needs to go to his mums till we sort things it’s too hard having him here .. but I worry how this will impact on the kids…

I don’t think there’s anything I can do to stop it from happening without loosing my dignity :( all I can ask if he’s sure this is what he wants. I don’t want any regrets down the line and know I did everything I could to keep mummy and daddy together …

Worst of all he seems fine happy and I’m just miserable … I don’t get how someone can just stop loving someone it’s terrible asi still love him :(

Cherchez la femme

Oh OP. How desperately sad for you. I hope there isn't someone else, and he is being 100% honest with you.

What I will tell you is that I sllit from my partner when my DD was 18 months. She is a very happy child and we have a lovely life together. She has never questioned why myself anf her Daddy don't live together.

Also, my own parents split up when I was 4. I don't feel it at all impacted in me or made me sad. What would have made me sad is if they had stayed together. I would have sensed unhappiness.

Much love. Be kind to yourself

Thank you rainbow zebra warrior … I hope you don’t mind me asking but what made you split? How did you get over it… at the moment I physically feel crap in my tummy… like a wound .. I suppose heartbroken :( and lonely even though he is in same house

Are you sure there isn't another woman in the background? If you didn't see it coming, no rows or tensions or financial worries - then ask yourself what might have changed for him.

He looks ok/happy because this is something that has been brewing for a while for him.
Now he has told you, I suspect a big weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he can start thinking about his future p.

You have to do all that work , get i et the fact the marriage is finished etc… Thats why it PA so hard for you an slo9s so easy fir him.

Having said that, I think you need to stop yourself when you go down the ‘it’s all my fault that we are nit together anymore. I’ve ket my dcs down etc…’
If anything, the person who let the dcs down is your DH. He knew things weren’t right but didn’t raise the issue, didn’t try to fix the problem when there was still a possibility to fix them. If anything, it’s your DH that has let them down.
That’s wo talking about the fact keeping the family together was as much his responsibility as it was yours iyswim

This is down to him - not you. Prepare by getting lots of legal advice and making sure all financial details are recorded and finances ring fenced. Then you can make a decision about where to go from there. My advice is not to wait for him to jump but to push. Either he has someone else or he has fantasies about the single life - whichever, you can not hold on by trying to persuade him to stay. It's like trying to recapture a dog by chasing it. The dog just keeps running. Best to turn on your heel and walk smartly away. If you lose him he was lost anyway, if he has doubts he will likely try to follow you once you take the initiative back. Of course, at that point you may feel he is not worth your time. I really feel for you. To be suddenly faced with the prospect of being a single parent is pretty daunting even part from the emotional trauma of being betrayed. However, you can do this. Because you have to. But one thing you do not have to deal with is guilt. This is not your fault and you will be an example to your children of how decent people who love them behave. With dignity, self respect and a determination to build a good life for them . And I would be totally honest with them about the situation but as dispassionately as possible. You will find your own way to do this. For me, I explained that some people have an unlimited capacity for love - others have a more limited one. When they were older I told the children that Daddy loved them as much as he possibly could. As much as he was able to love anyone. I told them that if they needed me to be a prima ballerina I would really try - but I know that I could not do it. However much I loved them. Their father just could not do what was needed to stay with them. None of us are perfect and so we need to accept limitations in others. Obviously I was steaming furious at his selfishness but their need to understand and love him trumped this. Just an idea, and doubtless you will get many more perspectives on here. You will pick and choose according to what feels right for you and your DC - trust your instincts. But please, please don't fall into the trap of thinking this is down to you - it really isn't

I'd be very suspicious about another woman here, OP.

He's the one breaking up the family, not you. So don't do the "pick me dance", let him go with dignity and make sure that he takes full responsibility for having the DC 50/50. Start as you mean to go on - and that means making sure that he doesn't get to walk away and start a shiny new life with someone else.

Well he can't just swan off!
Ask him which half of the week he wants to do 24/7 sole care of his two young DC going forward. I expect he's making a lot of assumptions.
I'd be tempted to put the fear of God into him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's very rare that men leave, without another woman to run to. Just be mindful of this.

You, and your children will be ok. Similar happened to me when my DC were small, and we have built a wonderful life. It took a little while to get here but I quickly realised he'd done us a favour. I hope you do too.

Make sure you get good legal advice regarding the divorce and financial agreement. You only get one shot.

Best of luck with everything.

Do drop the children off with him at his mother’s for three days whilst you take time to see a solicitor, sort finances, stay with friends or family to start making your own plans for separation.

In my situation, we must weren't working OP. So although I mourned the failure of the relationship, I wasn't heartbroken. It was difficult though, but as a PP has said, you can build a lovely life. I actually wouldn't have it any other way now. I do think that if someone lets you down, then eventually your brain tells you that they arent worth your time anymore. So while it is obviously extremely hurtful now, instinct and survival kick in and you just plough on with the practical stuff.

Sorry OP there is definitely an OW lurking in the wings somewhere. Men don't just leave their wives in circumstances like yours without somewhere else to park their manky dick.

I have asked him if there is anyone else he said no there doesn’t need to be anyone to change his feelings ..

It just feels all wrong we’re in the same house and he’s not being mean or nasty I wish he was then it would make this a lot easier to get over him 😔. He’s still just being nice making my lunch being a great dad 😢 it all feels wrong … I just can’t believe it I suppose …
I don’t want any regrets later on like I didn’t try when my kids ask I can say I did what I could… I don’t know if I should just ask is this what you want , and if it is he needs to go he can’t keep staying here like everything ok… then we’ll I guess will have to sell the house life just not what I expected :( sorry I know I’m feeling sorry for myself this is all s’’t .

Get him to speak to the DC with you there so they can see this is not your fault. You have every right to feel sorry for yourself! You are in the middle of a shit storm not of your making.

make sure he doesn't get all the freedom. If he thinks he can waltz off and leave you with 90% of the childcare and minimum maintenance, make sure he knows that you value FREEDOM

This may feel counterintuitive now but please believe me, so many dads pull this stunt, walk off, leave their x with all the childcare and feel a hero for paying minimum maintenance.

Even though right now you want to protect your family unit, believe me, you will value your freedom.

Instead of being hurt (which you obviously are) try to hide it and say that actually, you too have felt underwhelmed by the routine. Tell him you look forward to getting back out there in to the world. (do you work? get back to work).

While he's being agreeable, tell him you will be happy to split the childcare so that you can get back in to the working world and say that you will share weekends so that you have weekends free too.

Honestly, you have to let him see you as a woman with her own life, her own potential and options. These men are so quick to rob their children's mother of her opportunities to earn, to date, to have hobbies, to have freedoms, earning capacity, income to save............... while they get all the freedom and cast you in the role of default carer of the kids while they happily weigh up their options.

ow.
She'll surface soon enough.
See a solictor.

@LostForIdeas

He looks ok/happy because this is something that has been brewing for a while for him. Now he has told you, I suspect a big weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he can start thinking about his future p.

You have to do all that work , get i et the fact the marriage is finished etc… Thats why it PA so hard for you an slo9s so easy fir him.

Having said that, I think you need to stop yourself when you go down the ‘it’s all my fault that we are nit together anymore. I’ve ket my dcs down etc…’
If anything, the person who let the dcs down is your DH. He knew things weren’t right but didn’t raise the issue, didn’t try to fix the problem when there was still a possibility to fix them. If anything, it’s your DH that has let them down.
That’s wo talking about the fact keeping the family together was as much his responsibility as it was yours iyswim

This is spot on.

It's sadly quite common to split when kids are small. I think sometimes relationships are fine until they're tested and the biggest test is children. It's very hard on you if you've had no chance to address any issues. But if he doesn't want to try then you can't fix it. If he hasn't said a word and then just wants out, then that isn't someone committed to the relationship or emotionally mature enough probably for any relationship unless you are perhaps someone who makes it very hard to approach discussions. (You don't come across that way)

But you will be ok. And your children. It's just very very shit getting to the ok again stage.

Agree with your whole post @UserBot314

So sorry this is happening, OP. My sister’s husband left when her little one was 3 and she was pregnant with their second. They are 8 and 11 now and the most amazing, well adjusted and happy kids you could ever meet. A credit to my sis. And yours will be a credit to you too. You can get through this ❤️

I feel for you. I know exactly how you feel. My exh left when my dd was 18months. The pain is physical.
My only advice is don't let him see it, be cool and calm and get your ducks in a row. Ask him where he plans to live, how he's going to work out maintance including spousal support, and when he will he be having the children. Get a good solicitor.
I know it hurts now and feels like it will never get better.
It does, soooo much better. My dd is now 7 and I have moved on to someone who loves me for me. Who loves my dd.
Dd still sees her dad every other weekend I have done everything to facilitate his relationship with her.
Though he's lost out on so much with her. He sees this now but there's nothing he can do.
He wanted the single life. Was fun for awhile but he still lives now with his parents and has had no ltr since he left.
It's all very sad. But for him. Not me or dd. We are very very happy. You will be too.

I don’t think that there is ‘always ‘ an OW, I do think plenty of men though suddenly like the idea that there ‘could be ‘ and more sex too and they get to play Disney dad with less of the shittier Groundhog Day bits — a lot of men like the initial chase and relationship bit but aren’t so keen on the long term haul and the ‘settled’ Bit — some women too can be like this

I also think there is likely an OW due to surface - I am so sorry!

However, one thing I would say is rather your DC may be curious in later years as to why you're no longer together but they will not, categorically will not ask if you tried enough to keep them together. It's just not something kids ask. And anyway, you can already hold your head up high on this front - this is his choice and one he has made up his mind on. Nothing you do will change it, nothing will be enough so keep you dignity, grey rock him and make sure things are split equitably... making sure your kids aren't negatively impacted by the split (materially and emotionally) is the best thing you can do.

Wishing you luck - it hurts like nothing else right now but you'll find your anger, hopefully soon - this is on him, not you

It is very rare for men to leave the family home, and go live by themselves. l would keep an open mind re another woman, time will tell, most men in these circumstances don't have the guts to be honest.
You won' t always feel like you do now, once your steering your own ship you will become more confident and comfortable , and you see people differently once feelings aren't involved.
You sound like your making it incredibly easy for him, of course he will still do lunch , look after kids etc, because he knows he now has a way out, l couldn' t stand having a spineless unreliable coward of a man in the same room, never mind the same house. l would be so angry, he' s leaving you right in the shit.
Make sure he realises he won' t walk away completely care free, and be seen to actively be making your own plans , don' t become one of the " stand by your man" kind of women.
Your kids deserve alot better, let him walk.

“I have asked him if there is anyone else he said no there doesn’t need to be anyone to change his feelings ..”

Actually, he’s wrong: once you’ve had children, you don’t just get to go swanning off without explanation. He probably just doesn’t like the very demanding work which comes with early parenthood and he’s assuming the stresses in the relationship are because he’s with you rather than because of circumstance. Whatever the reason, he’s flakey and useless to you. As PP say, you will be fine. I know a number of families where the parents divorced when the children were very young and they’re all very functional.

@lotsofmumlove

I have asked him if there is anyone else he said no there doesn’t need to be anyone to change his feelings ..

It just feels all wrong we’re in the same house and he’s not being mean or nasty I wish he was then it would make this a lot easier to get over him 😔. He’s still just being nice making my lunch being a great dad 😢 it all feels wrong … I just can’t believe it I suppose …
I don’t want any regrets later on like I didn’t try when my kids ask I can say I did what I could… I don’t know if I should just ask is this what you want , and if it is he needs to go he can’t keep staying here like everything ok… then we’ll I guess will have to sell the house life just not what I expected :( sorry I know I’m feeling sorry for myself this is all s’’t .

@LostForIdeas the question you need to ask yourself is what did HE di to save the marriage?

Yes people do fall out of love but it normally doesn’t happen overnight. So what did he do to protect his family? Did he do anything at all?

At your place, I would be angry at his lack of effort and willingness to nurture and save something that should have been important to him. He took the marriage and you for granted. That’s why nothing happened.

If you dcs ever ask the question, the answer is Yes I did. I nurtured that relationship but by the time your dad said he wasn’t happy, it was too late. HIS live had died wo me knowing anything about it.
Because that’s the truth. He did t give you any opportunity to try and help save the relationship. And that’s not your fault. You’re not a mind reader.