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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do I not want sex with DP

50 replies

Boxbox2 · 17/12/2021 10:41

Since moving in together earlier this year our sex life has tanked. It's all because of my lack of wanting it; he is just the same in bed as usual (he is always very good, very considerate, just I'm really not up for it anymore).
I'm trying to identify what is not getting me excited about him anymore. I still like physical affection with him although it's only on the non-sexual side (so mouth kisses etc leave me cold - I don't feel anything anymore, but cuddles are nice).
I've read that going off a partner sexually can be due to deeper emotional problems in a relationship. I had a huge challenge with him about sharing the housework lately in a way we both felt was fair. Currently he does the vast majority of the food shopping and cooking and I do everything else. I do feel resentful towards him that he hasn't tried a second time to pass his driving test so I end up doing it all when we do use a car (luckily we live near a big city so public transport is good: he uses this as the reason for not trying again when really he's just lazy). I plan nearly all our days out, dates, restaurant meals etc. If left to his own choice, he would spend 15 hours a day at his computer and go to bed at 3am regularly. I earn more than him, and work much harder in my job.
He snores relentlessly with this constant swallowing sounds that make me cringe so we mostly sleep apart now. He's seen a doctor about this but I know the referral process etc will be slow.
I suspect he may be on the spectrum slightly. When we go out and talk to new people, he is incredibly quiet and formal, especially in places he hasn't been before. I can see other people be taken aback by how stern he appears (he's not like this at with me or his friends!). He will scratch at the back of his phone when we are watching a film together (it's like a tic and drives me mad). He panics with change and gets argumentative if something is outside of his familiar experience.
I'm scared I've lost respect for him. I don't see as admirable as I did before we lived together. He uses his parents as examples for many things, he really has them up on a pedestal. They're lovely people but I just have been feeling lately like I want someone with more life experience, and my partner seems very young and naive to me at times.

We've had serious talks recently, and while I said I adore how gentle and physically loving he is with me, I just don't feel like he's meeting me halfway on an emotional level, and because he says he doesn't "feel" emotions ofc he has no idea what I'm on about here.
I also said to him that living with him on a practical level is harder than when I previously lived alone. I feel irritated a lot more often, I'm more tired from lack of sleep, and I feel like the housework is more of a burden as I'm cleaning up after him as well as me.
The flip side of all this is that I know I have control issues. Very few of my family members, close or extended, live with partners - they've all been in dysfunctional relationships themselves so I don't really have any good role models. And I'm scared of being lonely...I haven't historically coped well with being single: I've always found myself in relationships very quickly (I used to think it was because I'm pretty gregarious socially but now thinking I settle too fast).
Thanks for letting me vent if you read this far. I really don't know what next steps to take.

OP posts:

anniegun · 17/12/2021 10:43

It is the end - he needs someone who loves and wants him more

CheddarGorgeous · 17/12/2021 10:44

You have the ick 😔 do you have children?

Original poster

Boxbox2 · 17/12/2021 10:48

We don't have children. He says he wants them, and he is very good with them every time I've seen him with them. He's also very committed when forced to be so e.g. through work or promises made to friends. But I just dread not getting enough support from him on a day-to-day basis, and I'm getting to my mid-30s now and am very much ambivalent about having children.

OP posts:

Inthewainscoting · 17/12/2021 10:52

You both deserve to be loved and loving - sounds like this isn't quite the man for you, because of his essential personality and character.
I know it sounds flippant, but really, sometimes things just are that simple - politely separate, and get yourself a pet. IME even something small like a hamster or gerbil makes a huge difference in that you're not alone and coming back to an empty house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2021 10:59

While you’ve said some nice things about him your post really drips with dislike verging on contempt. Nothing about living together seems to make you happy, you’ve said it’s actually made your life harder. Why carry on like this?

You prefer the idea of living with someone more than the reality. When you get to the point that him scratching his phone is driving you mad you know there’s not enough love there. If day to day life is a struggle together you’ll crumble if something properly difficult happens, which it inevitably will because that’s life.

He’s moved in with his girlfriend he seems to care for and finds himself practically celibate and even sleeping alone. He’ll pick up on how much everything he does seems to annoy you. He deserves more than that.

Tell him it’s over, let him find someone who adores all of him.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 17/12/2021 11:01

You just don't like him any more - it's no crime . Just don't string him along that's all .

Momijin · 17/12/2021 11:04

It's hard to live with someone who doesn't pull his weight, which means it's hard to live with most men (in my experience). So tell him. Tell him that you find it hard to be attracted to someone you have to in effect, mother.

Tell him that he needs to do his share of everything, without having to be told. You can either both sit down once a month and plan it together or he needs to see what needs doing and just do it.

Regarding his job, that's up to him. As long as he's got a job and bringing a reasonable income then that doesn't matter imo.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2021 11:06

I’m wondering why you moved in with him. Didn’t his snoring, phone scratching, how he talks to people, lack of effort with housework, job, income etc annoy you before? It’s hard to see how they wouldn’t if you’ve been dating for a decent amount of time first.

CheddarGorgeous · 17/12/2021 11:12

You're not married and don't have children, it will be relatively easy to separate. Good luck

arbredft23 · 17/12/2021 11:20

I think you know deep down it's the end of the road. I also have reached this point with a DP in the past and it's very difficult/often impossible to come back from. It's stereotypical to say but women are much more emotionally tuned when it comes to things like sex and so it's not surprising at all that you don't feel in the mood whilst you are harbouring all this resentment. My advice would be to have a serious think about how and if you can move forward. As you say, it seems like the sex problem is just a surface issue for everything that lies beneath. I also think you need to work out whether or not you do want children as it's unfair for this man to be strung along if it's a must for him and something that you are ambivalent towards. Ultimately staying in a relationship where you are unhappy benefits nobody as he will certainly have picked up on these feelings from you. You both deserve better tbh

TR888 · 17/12/2021 11:29

L I'm

OhLookMoreShit · 17/12/2021 11:31

Do you fancy him OP? Do you look at him and think "wow, you are so fucking hot" that's either a yes or no. If it's no - it's over x

TR888 · 17/12/2021 11:33

Apologies about my earlier post. I meant to say that it sounds as if you no longer fancy him. You've really answered your own question with your post .

As someone else said, not loving or fancying someone is not wrong. But it's time to have a conversation with yourself about your future. Good luck.

oviraptor21 · 17/12/2021 11:37

Did you buy together or rent. Hopefully the latter.

YRGAM · 17/12/2021 11:50

Let him find someone who wants him

helpingmyself · 17/12/2021 12:01

I'm sorry to say if u stay with him it will only get worse . It sounds like u have lost respect for him once that goes so does the attraction.. I was there years ago with my sons dad .. don't let it go on .. u both deserve to be happy x

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 17/12/2021 12:01

I think by moving in together you're now realising all the many ways that you are incompatible and have got the ick.

You want someone to share the mental and physical load with (quite understandably) while he wants a mother figure.

You want to put time and effort into your relationship and career, he wants to spend 15 hours a day gaming.

You like/want sleep, he's not bothered that he keeps you awake.

You want someone to socialise with who can chat easily with others, he's more introvert.

Just be honest with yourself and him and recognise that the two of you aren't suited and plan how to go your separate ways.

At least now you know what you want (& presumably he wants a housewife) so hopefully you can both head out now and get it with other people.

PaperDoves · 17/12/2021 12:09

You said you don't know why you've gone off sex with him, then list a hundred reasons why you can't stand him! Like a PP said, it's not a crime to be incompatible. It's a shame it didn't work out but don't let that keep you in the wrong relationship for years. Toss him back.

Elwynne · 17/12/2021 12:19

Are you on hormonal contraception? If so try coming off for a couple of months and see if things change. I know a few people this simple change has completely transformed their feelings for their partner

caringcarer · 17/12/2021 12:21

You don't love him. Let him find someone who will love him. He seems to irritate you so you might be happier alone or with someone else we ho is tidy and self motivated.

littleburn · 17/12/2021 12:22

It's not the lack of sex that's the problem, it's a symptom of the bigger problem that he's not fulfilling what you need from a partner. It's no one's fault (although personally I'd find a lot of what you describe unbearable too!), it's just that you're not compatible and living together has brought that out. You want someone who steps up as an equal, adult partner and shares responsibilities, whereas he's comfortable stepping back and letting you take on the adult/mother and all of the stress and responsibilities that go with it. Unsurprisingly that doesn't make you feel hugely sexually attracted to him anymore.

littleburn · 17/12/2021 12:34

*adult/mother role

Bagelsandbrie · 17/12/2021 12:36

Yeah you don’t like him as a person anymore. No wonder you don’t fancy having sex with him!

Colourmeclear · 17/12/2021 12:39

Even if you had sex with your DP, none of your other concerns would be resolved.

Someone who says they don't feel emotions would be a deal breaker for me.

AudTheDeepMinded · 17/12/2021 12:40

This is not salvageable so escape while you still can. Good clean break before your lives become more enmeshed. Someone once said to me:
'If you had a limb that needed amputating would you have it all taken off at once, or an inch at a time?' It sounds harsh but is a lot easier in the long run, neither of you deserve the present situation.

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