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Original poster

What's going on?

47 replies

Starontopofthetree · 16/12/2021 19:32

Hi, I'm not going to say much other than myself and this person have been on and off acquaintances for a long time, he's happily recently engaged and I'm going through a break up.

I sent a message yesterday just explaining that I don't really 'do' acquaintances, I'm usually either proper friends with someone, in a relationship with them or nothing at all. And I asked in an ideal world, what he would want from me. This is what he said:

"That's not an easy question to answer. I would want to be actual friends with you but also, I do wonder whether the other ship has sailed. I've not really seen you for ages and the last time I did you went off on one at me.
So, whatever my answer is it feels as if it wouldn't be the right one. By that I mean in an ideal world, because its far from that and fantasy is never going to be real is it. Like you, I feel as if you pull me in then disappear a little. Cut me off. I don't cope very well with being in that situation and my natural reaction is to walk away."

What the actual heck?? Is this a brush off? I was literally asking whether he can be bothered making the effort to be proper friends, rather than what's happening now which is I message and ask how he is, he asks how I am, we chat a bit and then that's pretty much it. He then seems to go quiet so I don't bother messaging for a while (few weeks, few months...its very sporadic) and he doesn't bother messaging me, until I do again. Rinse and repeat.

The thing is, every time I do get in touch he acts surprised and asks where I've been and why I disappeared.

Is he a head fuck? He does have depression and has always been a bit of a flake, but I don't get the part about me seeming to 'pull him in' then disappear a bit, when to me it's him that's doing that.

If that makes any sense.

Any ideas what was going on in his head with that message? I did reply by the way just saying that I feel like he does the same and I'm sorry if he feels I mess him around and I said I just wanted to know where I stand with our friendship (or lack of). I didn't use those exact words obviously but that was the gist of it.

He didn't reply all evening so I dropped him a "hi" type message today and he replied an hour ago saying he was feeling drained and had been asleep all day. No mention of the previous conversation at all.

Anyone have any ideas about what's going on with him? I would just walk away and probably will, but the thought that he might be thinking I'm 'disappearing' on him makes me feel awful.

OP posts:
weddingdilemmma · 16/12/2021 19:43

Depending on what you mean by an acquaintance?
I actually find your message to him a bit crazy and full on. Why would you message someone who you know less well than a friend asking them what they want from you?

Is there any romantic history between you at all?

Pantsomime · 16/12/2021 19:48

It sounds like you are asking a “ happily engaged” man to be your F Buddy. If you want to be more aquatinted in a friendly sense, surely it just evolves - you don’t have to ask what his motives are

Winniemarysarah · 16/12/2021 19:52

What an utterly bizarre message to send someone op! What was going through your head when you sent it? Was this a weird way of asking him if he wanted to be in a relationship with you?

Polmuggle · 16/12/2021 19:52

I think he's sent you a very coherent and careful message that he clearly feels used by you, as you though you aren't consistent in his life.

Any truth in that?

notacooldad · 16/12/2021 19:55

I think your message to him is odd and he managed quite a decent reply tbh.

JaneJeffer · 16/12/2021 19:56

If an acquaintance sent me that message you sent they would never hear from me again!

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 16/12/2021 19:58

It sounds like you are hitting on him Shock are you annoyed he's engaged?

Icecreaminwinter · 16/12/2021 20:01

I thought you were asking him if he was attracted to you.

Blanca87 · 16/12/2021 20:02

Yeah, your message seems loaded and weird. It’s like you were spoiling for drama. Move on, mate.

thesockfromtheroof · 16/12/2021 20:04

You sound like the head fuck here.

fitzbilly · 16/12/2021 20:09

Wow I've never known anyone ask someone what you asked him.

Friendships evolve naturally,, they don't usually require someone to ask!

Or is there a history between the two of you?

CheshireKitten123 · 16/12/2021 20:10

I really don't get your msg at all...

NotaCoolMum · 16/12/2021 20:15

Very bizarre!! Why would you text him in the first place?! I really doubt his fiancé would be thrilled and you put him in a really awkward position. Leave the poor man be! If he wanted to be your friend- he would. You sound slightly obsessive.

Original poster
Starontopofthetree · 16/12/2021 20:36

Well, yes of course there's a history of sorts.

We met around 7 years ago when he messaged me on Facebook saying hi and asking if we could chat, I was involved with a charity at the time so I assumed it was about that, he told me that actually, he had seen me around and fancied me, then I popped up on his people you may know thing and he decided to message. We met up, over the course of about 6 or 7 months he would arrange to meet and sometimes keep to it, sometimes not, he would blow hot and cold and be a bit flakey and I gave up for a while. We've spoken about that recently and he told me that he really liked me at the time, but he was "not well" (depression) and didn't know how to handle it, also I "was always going on about other men when we met up". I don't remember that but I was dating another man sort of casually at the time as well.

Anyway he's gone through about 5 relationships since then and has always been there for me if I needed him - he wouldn't really ever contact me but if I was having trouble with my (now ex) partner, I could message this guy and he would drive to meet me for a chat and to advise me to ltb basically. Then he would usually tell me he had asked a mutual friend about me (how I was etc), which I never understood as why wouldn't he message me if he wanted to know?

Anyway that's kind of why I'm wondering what's up now - or, still wondering whats up, should I say.
Because he's always been there for me, always shown up when I asked him to, been a kind of confidante - he knows a LOT of stuff about me - but then just disappears if I don't contact him. Never gets in touch first.

Hence why I said I wished he would just either make an effort to be mates properly or just isn't that fussed about me. It's really hard to explain, but it feels like im always driving our contact and if I didn't contact him he wouldn't get in touch with me - yet when I do get in touch after a few months or whatever, he says I disappeared on him.

Suppose that's no clearer, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Starontopofthetree · 16/12/2021 20:40

Also, he's always saying things like "the last I heard from you, you told me you were giving it a go with (now ex), so I gave up". This was something he said in September, when I messaged him just to check in after not speaking for a while, he had made a joke about me "disappearing on him" and when I said that actually, it was more that he didn't contact me, he said that.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 16/12/2021 20:40

Well certainly he sounds like way more than an acquaintance. It sounds more like you had the potential to be in a relationship with each other which didn’t happen. But since then you have had on and off contact. You both sound a bit bonkers intense and immature tbh. I am totally unclear what the purpose of your message was to him. But seems like you are both getting off on some kind of thwarted romance narrative and that’s quite f*cked up given he is engaged.

HaggisBurger · 16/12/2021 20:41

How old ARE you both, out of interest?

Name99 · 16/12/2021 20:41

Yeah I'd just leave this alone.

Your message to him was strange, like you are issuing an ultimatum of some kind, his response was very fair

DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 16/12/2021 20:44

Honestly you sound like the headfuck OP and it’d be much kinder to just leave him be and let him be happy

ThankYouStavros · 16/12/2021 20:47

You’ve brought that one on yourself really.

thefourgp · 16/12/2021 20:48

‘In an ideal world what what you want from me?’

What you’re actually saying is;

‘I want to fuck you. Do you want to fuck me engaged man?’

And you’re not happy that HE’S playing games?!?

Find someone single to flirt with

Original poster
Starontopofthetree · 16/12/2021 20:48

But what was the response? I literally didn't understand it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starontopofthetree · 16/12/2021 20:50

I genuinely didn't mean it that way. I identify as asexual.

Hopefully he didn't take it that way either...

OP posts:
Original poster
Starontopofthetree · 16/12/2021 20:52

@HaggisBurger

How old ARE you both, out of interest?
I'm late 30s he's mid 40s
OP posts:
Offside · 16/12/2021 20:53

Yeah it sounds like you’re pissed he’s engaged. And your follow on messages don’t change that.

Just one thing though, you can’t say he would drive up to you when you had issues with your ex and then next say he never comes to meet you and it’s always you makes the effort. Sounds like you use him to be honest, to make yourself feel better when you’re having relationship issues, only this time he’s happily engaged, sees your situation for what it is, and isn’t prepared to be your ego boost.