What's going on?

[Starontopofthetree]

Hi, I'm not going to say much other than myself and this person have been on and off acquaintances for a long time, he's happily recently engaged and I'm going through a break up.

I sent a message yesterday just explaining that I don't really 'do' acquaintances, I'm usually either proper friends with someone, in a relationship with them or nothing at all. And I asked in an ideal world, what he would want from me. This is what he said:

"That's not an easy question to answer. I would want to be actual friends with you but also, I do wonder whether the other ship has sailed. I've not really seen you for ages and the last time I did you went off on one at me.
So, whatever my answer is it feels as if it wouldn't be the right one. By that I mean in an ideal world, because its far from that and fantasy is never going to be real is it. Like you, I feel as if you pull me in then disappear a little. Cut me off. I don't cope very well with being in that situation and my natural reaction is to walk away."

What the actual heck?? Is this a brush off? I was literally asking whether he can be bothered making the effort to be proper friends, rather than what's happening now which is I message and ask how he is, he asks how I am, we chat a bit and then that's pretty much it. He then seems to go quiet so I don't bother messaging for a while (few weeks, few months...its very sporadic) and he doesn't bother messaging me, until I do again. Rinse and repeat.

The thing is, every time I do get in touch he acts surprised and asks where I've been and why I disappeared.

Is he a head fuck? He does have depression and has always been a bit of a flake, but I don't get the part about me seeming to 'pull him in' then disappear a bit, when to me it's him that's doing that.

If that makes any sense.

Any ideas what was going on in his head with that message? I did reply by the way just saying that I feel like he does the same and I'm sorry if he feels I mess him around and I said I just wanted to know where I stand with our friendship (or lack of). I didn't use those exact words obviously but that was the gist of it.

He didn't reply all evening so I dropped him a "hi" type message today and he replied an hour ago saying he was feeling drained and had been asleep all day. No mention of the previous conversation at all.

Anyone have any ideas about what's going on with him? I would just walk away and probably will, but the thought that he might be thinking I'm 'disappearing' on him makes me feel awful.

Euwww
Back off lady.

I don't see how it seems like I'm annoyed he's engaged but OK :(

What you said about me using him for an ego boost is exactly how I feel about him.

Maybe it is me that's the problem, unknowingly obviously.

You know what's going on. Stop pretending.

You come across weird and desperate. You don't "do" acquaintances? Stop it.

You're trying it on and he knows it. He's not interested. Don't message him again and I guarantee that will be the end of it. He wont message you because he doesnt want to.

He's also engaged. You're embarrassing him and yourself.

I think you sound aa if you used him whenever you needed attention or validation. He came running and told you to split up with whoever was upsetting you.. Then when you didn't he backed off.
Poor guy, he clearly wanted a relationship with you and you used him... He was probably protecting himself by not getting in touch.
Now he's happy with someone else you're trying to create drama to reel him back in.
His reply was polite "leave me alone"
I'm. Not sure how you can call him flakey...

@Starontopofthetree

I don't see how it seems like I'm annoyed he's engaged but OK :(

What you said about me using him for an ego boost is exactly how I feel about him.

Maybe it is me that's the problem, unknowingly obviously.

Because you’re engaging him in unnecessary drama and emotional discourse that makes you sound like you’re getting off on it. The fact that you can’t see that is worrying.

What exactly were you (really deep down) hoping to hear back with that message?

But mind you he seems just as bad …

@Sonaftersonafterson

You know what's going on. Stop pretending.

You come across weird and desperate. You don't "do" acquaintances? Stop it.

You're trying it on and he knows it. He's not interested. Don't message him again and I guarantee that will be the end of it. He wont message you because he doesnt want to.

He's also engaged. You're embarrassing him and yourself.

Not that it matters to you, I know, but I'm also autistic so trust me, I don't "know".

It's all confusing, maybe to normal people it wouldn't be but last time we met in September, he asked what I think when I see him in town. I don't know why he asked that, and I don't know why he bothers replying when I message but yes, deep down I sense that he's not interested in keeping touch otherwise he would. But everything I do message and he accuses me of disappearing on him, it confuses me again.

But okay I'll take everyone's advice. Thank you all.

Haggisburger, genuinely I wanted a succinct "u want to be your friend" or words to that effect, or "I want you to leave me alone".

Either, or would genuinely have helped. It's hard to explain and I do know most normal people would have just forgotten about contacting him years ago.

So I'll try and do that.

So you were FWB for quite a while.

Now you are available full time he doesn't want to know, he's unhappy you are single and demanding.

He doesn't want you as his primary partner, I'm sorry op but he probably never did, you confused his availablity for caring, it was not it was purely for selfish reasons.

You cannot be friends with him, he's engaged, leave them be to get on with their life.

Look for someone else.
I hope you did not leave your partner on the promise or hope of wanting to be with this man.

I think that whatever the relationship/friendship status, neither of you are good for the other.

To me it sounds like he wants to be with you but you keep slipping away, and he's depressed, so the losing you bit makes his depression worse.

So please leave him alone, forever.

Let him get over you.

For your part in this, I'm unsure. Maybe you like having someone who will always be there for you, no matter what. But you don't love him. You're using him. Please try living alone and build up some self esteem. You don't need anyone to be there for you except yourself x

@Starontopofthetree

Haggisburger, genuinely I wanted a succinct "u want to be your friend" or words to that effect, or "I want you to leave me alone".

Either, or would genuinely have helped. It's hard to explain and I do know most normal people would have just forgotten about contacting him years ago.

So I'll try and do that.

I understand. Yes, time to just let it go and move on 😀

I also think it is you that is the headfuck. “In an ideal world what would you want from me”. Seriously talk about fishing for compliments, you wanted him to declare his undying love for you didn’t you.

I think he has tried to send you a polite reply, but you know he doesn’t have a lot to work with because your message was so weird in the first place.

Beyond the age of three, we don’t need to ask people if they want to be our friends or not.

Given your autism, OP, I can understand your confusion here. It sounds like he is hinting at you that the time has passed to be friends (ship has sailed) but he lacks the courage or sensitivity to say that directly and kindly.

I hope it’ll be easy enough to move on from it. I’ve left a friendship recently where we had a similar kind of conversation, and actually it was much easier to just drop it than getting the mixed messages!

@blinder

Given your autism, OP, I can understand your confusion here. It sounds like he is hinting at you that the time has passed to be friends (ship has sailed) but he lacks the courage or sensitivity to say that directly and kindly.

I hope it’ll be easy enough to move on from it. I’ve left a friendship recently where we had a similar kind of conversation, and actually it was much easier to just drop it than getting the mixed messages!

OK. Makes sense, thank you :)

He's engaged.
He told you to 'cut him off.'

Haggisburger, genuinely I wanted a succinct "u want to be your friend" or words to that effect, or "I want you to leave me alone"

He was succinct - he said 'cut me off', so do that.

@RedBonnet

I think that whatever the relationship/friendship status, neither of you are good for the other.

To me it sounds like he wants to be with you but you keep slipping away, and he's depressed, so the losing you bit makes his depression worse.

So please leave him alone, forever.

Let him get over you.

For your part in this, I'm unsure. Maybe you like having someone who will always be there for you, no matter what. But you don't love him. You're using him. Please try living alone and build up some self esteem. You don't need anyone to be there for you except yourself x

I understand you want to be easy on the op but I don't think this kind of post really helps.

Op needs the reality of the situation, it's not Mills and Boon.

If this man wanted op he would move heaven and earth to have her, it's a simple as that.
You do not let the one you so desparately want slip away so easily.

This man was never your friend , he was an opportunist.

@Theredjellybean

I think you sound aa if you used him whenever you needed attention or validation. He came running and told you to split up with whoever was upsetting you.. Then when you didn't he backed off. Poor guy, he clearly wanted a relationship with you and you used him... He was probably protecting himself by not getting in touch. Now he's happy with someone else you're trying to create drama to reel him back in. His reply was polite "leave me alone" I'm. Not sure how you can call him flakey...

This. He was there for you the second you clicked your fingers. He clearly wanted to be with you, but you led him on for nothing for reasons only you know. Now he’s met someone else, is happily engaged and is politely telling you to go away and leave him the fuck alone, he’s done being your ego boost and shoulder to cry on.

@Winniemarysarah

Nice idea, but genearally if a man runs after a woman when she clicks her fingers, he will also be there when she is available.

They don't suddenly grow balls and decide they are not going to be used anymore.

A man obsessed will jump at the chance to be with their love if they become available.

OK so he has recently got engaged and you are going through a breakup. You seem to be that he would be your INSURANCE guy if you needed one. He is happily engaged leave him alone stop being so needy of attention. Enjoy being single and when you start dating do it because you like the guy and not because you don't want to be on your own

I'm also autistic. So I understand the need for clarity.

Some men will 'be there' for you when you contact them in a crisis. Not because they like you or care about you in any capacity but because they know that sometimes vulnerable women have lowered defences/poor boundaries and they might get a shag out of it.

If they don't contact you at all but will drive to see you when you are having relationship issues, this is why.

Stop contacting him.

Thank you all.

I've been reflecting on things this morning and actually, I'm not sure it's actually about him, more that it's my inability to accept that not all things are resolved; I remember arguing with my partner and I couldn't just leave it - I had to always say that we needed to either break up or stay together, if it was neither of those and unresolved then I'd feel on edge until my partner and I had agreed - out loud - to either stay together or break up. Maybe it's a control thing, I'm not sure, but I feel like it's the same with this guy.

I've never had a resolution and the thing is, I know I could decide for myself but actually doing that is so hard because I feel that if I decided to never contact him again, he might be sitting there wishing I would.

Which I know, sounds stupid and deep down I know that's not the case, but the thought that it might happen, keeps me in a constant state of limbo.

God, that's pathetic isn't it!

You sent that to an acquaintance? AN ACQUAINTANCE?
I would be changing my phone number.