I know the relationship isn't working but can he change?

[Kerrie9321]

Hi, I always read other people's posts and the replies and thought it was time to ask for some advice. I will try to make this as short as possible.

Me and my boyfriend met at 17 and have been together nearly 11 years and have 2 beautiful children aged 3 and 1. Things haven't been great for a while, he suffered with depression a few years ago (which I still think is part of this) our relationship became a living nightmare for me. He slept day and night and didn't seem to care about me or our son. In between I suffered a miscarriage and then got pregnant with our now one year old. Pregnancy was difficult as he didn't treat me very well or understood why I was so tired chasing our toddler around all during lockdown with no family help. I sent him to stay with family for a week as it all got too much but thought that would change things. When my daughter was a few months old I found out he'd been sexting my close friend and swapping pictures and videos for over 6 months (that's what I know about who knows if more happened). He blamed it on me saying it was because I told him I didn't love him which I think I said once out of anger because he was treating my so bad I said it was hard to love him.
I've tried to explain what I need from him, more help with chores, the children, the bills, ANYTHING to take some pressure from me. I do all the night feeds and have the children all day then work 4 evenings a week until 12pm. He works Monday - Friday and has a physical job so blames a lot on that. All he wants to do when he is here is sleep. He never makes me feel special or thought about. He shouts and swears at me Infront of our children. My son is starting to have a temper. He says I need to change and lower my expectations of him. I just don't understand anymore. This isn't how I want my life to be but when I say I've had enough he then texts or calls the next day like nothing has happened.
All he seems to want from me is sex and when I say I don't have the energy or that we haven't been getting on he says that this is why he doesn't change because it's not like he gets something anyway. I'm trying so hard to keep this together and to be strong for my children when all I want to do is have a day so I can cry! My family never have the children so I can just breathe for 5 minutes my only escape is work. I feel so alone and just don't know what to do. We have a joint mortgage and I know he won't leave. I know I deserve better and so do my children. He sees nothing wrong with what he does or how he treats me.
Sorry for going on, just so lost at the moment

"When my daughter was a few months old I found out he'd been sexting my close friend and swapping pictures and videos for over 6 months (that's what I know about who knows if more happened). He blamed it on me"

WTF did I just read? This has nothing to do with depression. He is scum. Please have better standards for yourself and your children.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in shock about it. I wasn't strong enough to walk away when she was so little I felt like I needed him. I'm starting to realise I don't. He shows no remorse for it. Has said he's sorry but again blames me for it all.

@Didimum

"When my daughter was a few months old I found out he'd been sexting my close friend and swapping pictures and videos for over 6 months (that's what I know about who knows if more happened). He blamed it on me"

WTF did I just read? This has nothing to do with depression. He is scum. Please have better standards for yourself and your children.

I hope you are no longer close friends.

Also I'm struggling with the idea of not seeing my children (when he has them) I didn't have children to not see them everyday. It's breaks my heart thinking about it and is what has kept me holding onto this

I am so sorry OP. It sounds like an utter nightmare you've been living, and you must be physically and emotionally exhausted.

I think (hope) you know that this man is not good enough for you or your children, and that the relationship must end. You are worth so much more than what he gives you.

If you can, I would start to make plans to end the marriage. Get your ducks in a row finance-wise. Do you have family or friends you can ask for support and practical help? See a solicitor - many do a free half hour consultation. Call Women's Aid for advice. Find out how many benefits you'd be entitled to (you can do this online). Remember you are worth more than this and you are doing your DC a favour by leaving him now. You have a happier future ahead of you if you can be brave and strong now, I promise.

No we are not close friends anymore. She disappeared of the face of the earth once I found out. Said they were both helping each other out as friends as they were in shitty relationships. The day before I found out she was around my house painting my nails because I deserved a pamper! It's was a very difficult time and I still find it hard to get my head around.

I was beginning to wonder why the actual hell you are still with him and then I read about the joint mortgage and that seems to be the only thing tying you together?
Get out of it. You won’t regret it!
You can get another house in the future but you will never get these years of your life back or your children’s childhood!

@Champagne16378 thank you for your kind words. Yes I am exhausted with it all. I know he isn't good enough I just don't want my children to suffer (eventhough I know they'll suffer being around this). I worry they'll cry for my and think that I don't care about them.
I have friends I can ask for advice but non which have a mortgage or are in the same position. My family haven't been very helpful even just to have the kids for half a day so I can make some phonecalls. I'm worried I'll loose my job if he doesn't have them the 4 evenings I go to work. It's just such a mess

@Duxiejhrhrvjza the house isn't the reason. I'm scared to be without my children and worried I'll somewhere down the line regret walking away. I have no idea how or where to start with the house but I'd happily live somewhere else. I just know he won't make it easy

How often do you think he’d have your kids if you were to split? He sounds like he barely bothers with them as it is.

Personally I think you should make plans to leave as soon as possible, while your kids are still young. It is scary, and it’s tough being a single mum, but why accept being treated like shit? You can treat yourself and your kids better than he does.

Can he change? Potentially.
Will he change? No

You and he need to be apart as soon as possible. This is not an environment to be raising your children in and they will suffer seeing you being mistreated and otherwise abused by this man. Your son is already affected, he's developing a temper himself and is copying what is happening around him. For them you absolutely need to separate.

A joint mortgage is no basis to remain with such a man; you need to speak to the mortgage lender and get legal advice too on separation going forward.

I doubt very much your man will want to bother with his children going forward considering he hardly does anything now with them. He would remain financially responsible for them and I would pursue a CMS claim for each child. I would also consider contacting Womens Aid here; they could advise you further.

@Kerrie9321

Also I'm struggling with the idea of not seeing my children (when he has them) I didn't have children to not see them everyday. It's breaks my heart thinking about it and is what has kept me holding onto this

I hate to break it to you, but if he does as little as you say, there's no way in hell that he’s going to see the children for more than a few hours on a weekend day. One weekend day, at most. He'll be "too tired".

When you leave, you should prepare yourself for having the children 95-100% of the time, because that's just as likely as him having every other weekend and way more likely than a 50:50 split.

"I'm scared to be without my children and worried I'll somewhere down the line regret walking away"

Change is scary yes but what is worse really in terms of you and your children?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your son's already developing a temper and that comes from seeing his dad behave badly towards you. You are not nor should act as some sort of rehab centre for such a badly raised man like this man you're currently with.

I honestly feel that the longer you remain with this man, the harder it will be and will feel for you to get away from him. Be brave and make the break as soon as.

You won't be without your children day to day; as it is he hardly bothers with them so it may well come to pass that he goes onto lose contact with them. Oh he may well demand 50/50 to you or some such; this is often used as a threat to keep their partner aka possession here in line. Its an effective tactic. He won't let go of you easily simply because he likes having you as some form of skivvy to keep around tidying up after him. If you left he would have to put the work in to find some either sap or mug to look after him. His own father likely behaved similarly towards his woman as well.

I also think you would regret not walking away far sooner particularly as the children get older and start to copy him more.

Raise your relationship bar OP; find out who you really are and what you want from a relationship because its not this. This is in no way a mutually respectful relationship and you have no idea what that is or entails. No-one likely ever bothered to show you what one of these is and you still do not know.

Depression doesn't make you an arsehole. He's told you to reduce your expectations! Get rid. It would be easier to do it on your own!

The way you write your post hints that he doesn't live with you 100% of the time ?
If he does not , then I think he is not properly invested in the relationship . Him sexting etc , says the same.
What do you actually get out of the relationship ?

@Mumoblue he would need to have them Wednesday - Saturday evenings 6-12pm as those are the hours I work. It would require him to have them wherever I am loving because of the hours he works he wouldn't be able to drop them off in the mornings. I doubt he would have them Sunday's because he plays football.
This is why I came on here because I know this isn't right and just wanted some advice / support. I want the best for my children and know a change needs to be made. I have gave him multiple opportunities to change but it just isn't

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for your reply. No this is not an environment I want my children around. Nor do I want them to think this is how they should treat or be treated by someone. Women's aid has been mentioned to me before so I shall get on the phone to them when or if I can get a spare 5 minutes. You aren't wrong in saying the longer I stay the harder it will get. I've thought about this since my daughter was born. She's now one. I've just been concentrating on raising them and getting back to work, getting back on my feet. I just try to put it to the back of my mind until the shouting starts or I feel like I'm overwhelmed. I've been with the man for 11 years it's hard to let go of the life I thought we would have. But this is definitely not the life I want for me or my children.

@Blueuggboots yes apparently he does enough and I expect too much. The times I have sent him to stay somewhere else because of the way he treats me it has been easier on my own and less stressful. But then I believe when he says he's going to change, let him back and it just never does

He is not the man you thought he was. He is abusive towards you and in turn your children and your eldest child has already started to copy.

My guess is he has ramped up the power and control against you over a long period of time. Pregnancy and/or birth can also be flashpoints for abusive men to show their true colours.

Re Womens Aid an alternative re contacting them is to go to a branch of Boots and ask for ANI (an acronym for action needed immediately). The staff will direct you to a consultation room where you can access domestic violence support services.

I wish you well in planning your exit from this relationship. Your children will also thank you for doing so.

@HollyChristmas he does live here 100% of the time other than when I've 'kicked' him out. I'm not sure why he is still with me to be honest as I don't feel like he makes any effort unless he thinks he's getting something sexual in return. At the moment I don't get anything but stress and let down. I have to wake him up on the weekends and say that we need to build on us communication and spending time together and he just seems bothered about when he can go out. I don't feel like he's present in our lives just sits on his phone. I have the responsibility of feeding the kids, getting them dressed. He does bathtime of an evening and has them when I got to work

Don't get bogged down in your sunk costs (i.e being together now for 11 years).

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

@AttilaTheMeerkat no he isn't the man I thought he was. He has changed in many ways. I've tried to not shout Infront of my children and make sure my eldest had a good routine etc. This all goes out the window with his dad even when I try to explain how it's effecting him. Thank you for your advice and I will be contacting them

Bin him. And the shit mate.