I know the relationship isn't working but can he change?

[Kerrie9321]

Hi, I always read other people's posts and the replies and thought it was time to ask for some advice. I will try to make this as short as possible.

Me and my boyfriend met at 17 and have been together nearly 11 years and have 2 beautiful children aged 3 and 1. Things haven't been great for a while, he suffered with depression a few years ago (which I still think is part of this) our relationship became a living nightmare for me. He slept day and night and didn't seem to care about me or our son. In between I suffered a miscarriage and then got pregnant with our now one year old. Pregnancy was difficult as he didn't treat me very well or understood why I was so tired chasing our toddler around all during lockdown with no family help. I sent him to stay with family for a week as it all got too much but thought that would change things. When my daughter was a few months old I found out he'd been sexting my close friend and swapping pictures and videos for over 6 months (that's what I know about who knows if more happened). He blamed it on me saying it was because I told him I didn't love him which I think I said once out of anger because he was treating my so bad I said it was hard to love him.
I've tried to explain what I need from him, more help with chores, the children, the bills, ANYTHING to take some pressure from me. I do all the night feeds and have the children all day then work 4 evenings a week until 12pm. He works Monday - Friday and has a physical job so blames a lot on that. All he wants to do when he is here is sleep. He never makes me feel special or thought about. He shouts and swears at me Infront of our children. My son is starting to have a temper. He says I need to change and lower my expectations of him. I just don't understand anymore. This isn't how I want my life to be but when I say I've had enough he then texts or calls the next day like nothing has happened.
All he seems to want from me is sex and when I say I don't have the energy or that we haven't been getting on he says that this is why he doesn't change because it's not like he gets something anyway. I'm trying so hard to keep this together and to be strong for my children when all I want to do is have a day so I can cry! My family never have the children so I can just breathe for 5 minutes my only escape is work. I feel so alone and just don't know what to do. We have a joint mortgage and I know he won't leave. I know I deserve better and so do my children. He sees nothing wrong with what he does or how he treats me.
Sorry for going on, just so lost at the moment

You'll be lucky if this loser ever wants to see his children. Don't keep your poor kids hostage in this terrible environment.

@YerWanIsGettinNotions yes I agree. I would like to think he'd want to be involved with them but equally think once he has all of this 'free time' he will slowly distance himself or let them down. My son asks when he's coming home or where he is so I worry he'll struggle.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that really hit home for me. I think I have been grieving the end of the relationship. I did think at one stage we could live together but not be together but that would be no life.

Sometimes I see women on here being blithely told to leave, on the basis of some habit, misdemeanour or not having enough sex and I think...I wonder if she will regret it.

Your case is the opposite.

You know you will be happier, and your children's only hope of growing up being able to form normal relationships is to set yourself free.

In reality, he sounds terribly lazy, I'm.not sure he'll have the kids often.

The kids will be going to school, seeing friends before you know it.

Love isn't about seeing someone every day.

Not splitting for this reason sounds like your last hurdle to overcome.

@Aquamarine1029 I'm not keeping them hostage I just want to make this as easy as possible and with little damage to them. I understand it isn't healthy and they deserve to not be around this which I try to shield them from. It has been a very difficult year and I'm just trying to find the strength to make the right decision

@Yummypumpkin yes you're right I think that is my last hurdle. I've spent many hours debating with myself. It is not seeing the children and being present for them all the time being able to hold them when they cry etc that weighs heavily on my heart. I didn't have children thinking this would be an outcome. They are my world

@Kerrie9321

Also I'm struggling with the idea of not seeing my children (when he has them) I didn't have children to not see them everyday. It's breaks my heart thinking about it and is what has kept me holding onto this

He won't gave them. He's a lazy bastard. Get rid of him.

Don't for one second describe yourself as weak. A weak person does not bring up children alone on top of this atrocious treatment. You are stronger than he will ever be. He is too weak to even be a fraction of the parent you are.

He's awful and you'll be so much happier when he's gone.

Agree with PP if he can hardly be arsed to see them when he lives with them he's not going to be clamouring for joint custody.

Jobwise... would be it work out financially for you to pay a babysitter in the short term to keep you in that job for the long term?

Kerrie - your job is not to fix a man. Your job is to keep yourself available for a man who doesn't need fixing.

btw I think you are doing a marvellous job. You are clear-sighted, & not allowing your disappointment to make you hang on to a man who is unwilling to act like a decent human being - let alone step up to his half of the responsibilities of family life.

A call to Women's Aid is a very positive step forward. They will have a wide range of resources & support to hook you up with.
Hang on in there. Step by step, you are making a better life for you & your DC :)

You're getting closer to the place where you can act.

A few weeks isn't going to make a difference and it's right to think about all the consequences.

Just keep moving in the right direction and strengthening yourself.

Think of it this way: the time you have with your children may be less, but it will be free of fear, anger, feelings no one talks about, dread, anxiety and confusion.

That's got to be worth doing.