Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to keep him blocked?

31 replies

Potatodrivers · 16/12/2021 09:00

Posting for traffic really and for reassurance, or setting me right if I am in the wrong.

Ds(12) has cut contact with his dad for a number of reasons. One reason being that dad is constantly saying awful things about me.

I have tried encouraging contact, but ds is not interested.

Before ds ended contact, dad was awful to me over text. Police were called and dad was blocked. Ds is not aware of this.

Now dad is wanting to speak to me to try and fix the issues between ds and him, but I dont want to, nor can I see what it would achieve. Other than opening the door for further abuse again.

But...I do feel guilty. As if it's partly my responsibility to try and help.

Just to add that we broke up when ds was 3. He has been abusive on and off throughout. Which is why I really don't want to unblock him.

OP posts:
NoNameHere12 · 16/12/2021 09:03

Why is he still abusive to you?
How silly to slag his mother of to him, it probably hurts him.
If he doesn’t want to see him, he doesn’t want too- let him drag it through the court.

BingBongToTheMoon · 16/12/2021 09:09

Keep him blocked.

frozendaisy · 16/12/2021 09:09

Your son has decided himself to cut contact. Instead of wanting to solve this issue can you not turn it around in your mind and be proud that your young boy has already made the decision he does not want this male role model poison in his life.

None of this is your fault.
Blame lies entirely on your poisonous ex.

Forget about ex.
Support your son and only your son.
Keep ex blocked.
Enjoy the lovely young man your son is.
Have a great festive season together.

TooWicked · 16/12/2021 09:12

How do you know he’s trying to get in touch with you? Tell whoever is acting as go-between to keep their beak out, and keep him blocked.

If he’s that desperate for contact he can take it to court, where he will be able to hear loud and clear, his son who is old enough to make his own decisions about contact with his dad, telling the court he wants no contact with his dad,

IncompleteSenten · 16/12/2021 09:17

Unblock him to say it is ds choice, that you have encouraged him to go but he is adamant he doesn't want to because of he things he constantly say to ds about you. That you suggest he takes it to court where ds will tell them what you say to him and they will decide.

Original poster
Potatodrivers · 16/12/2021 09:20

This is such a relief. I honestly felt like I was a horrible parent for not wanting to try and help fix this.

But you're right, to try and think of it as a positive that ds has chosen to not have that kind of role model in his life.

I doubt he will take it to court, but if he does then so be it. I am not preventing contact.

As for why he is still abusive to me, I think its jealousy. He is very narcissistic and can't stand the fact that my life is going better than his. He can't even stand the fact my older son (not his) has a good job. He has slagged him off to ds too, and mocked his job that he got at age 15 and still has it!

Thanks so much for the reassurance. It really has helped massively. I have an important test today and this has been playing on my mind. Now I can switch off from it knowing that I'm not doing anything wrong and hopefully I can fully focus on the test now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Potatodrivers · 16/12/2021 09:25

@TooWicked

How do you know he’s trying to get in touch with you? Tell whoever is acting as go-between to keep their beak out, and keep him blocked.

If he’s that desperate for contact he can take it to court, where he will be able to hear loud and clear, his son who is old enough to make his own decisions about contact with his dad, telling the court he wants no contact with his dad,

Theres a setting on my phone where you can access blocked messages. I had a look yesterday after I noticed ds mood had dropped as I suspected dad had been messaging him. He had, and I had a couple of messages and a blocked missed call from him. He had also told ds to ask me to message him.
OP posts:
AngelonTopoftheTree · 16/12/2021 09:37

He has made his own bed, now he needs to lie in it (where did that phrase come from? And does it even make sense? I don't want anyone lying in my newly made bedGrin)
Keep him blocked, your DS is old enough to decide this.

GoodTid · 16/12/2021 09:45

My DS cut contact with his dad aged 12. He is now 20 and he is still happy with his decision.

I didnt try and facilitate contact and I'm also still happy with that decision.

Double3xposure · 16/12/2021 09:47

You could always give your ex an email address to use for you. Then you can check it once a week when you are feeling strong . Or ask a trusted friend to read it for you and let you know if there’s anything you need to reply to.

The advantage of email is that you can just check it when YOU want to . And also that it’s much easier to keep a record for court , so he’s less likely to be abusive.

And it’s easier for you to type a response, then leave the draft in your inbox and think about it overnight before pressing send. Or even asking on here.

Very hard to do that with a text.

My ex is also verbally abusive in person, on the phone and by text. But very reasonable by email because he knows how it can be used against him , forwards to someone else etc .

But then my ex cares a lot about his image.

Calamitydrayne · 16/12/2021 09:55

Can you use a go between? You didn't answer that before? There must be someone who will act as a mediator?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 16/12/2021 09:57

At 12 and 14 my ds's went nc with exh. Like yours - years of hearing him bad mouth me..
Been over 5 years now.
Keep him blocked op.

Dacquoise · 16/12/2021 10:10

Your DS is old enough to decide not to want contact with his dad. He may feel unsupported and invalidated by you if you try to mediate this for your exH.

Also this isn't your problem to sort out. Its a boundary issue. The relationship between them broke down because of your exH's behaviour towards your son. He needs to own the consequences of that. I suspect he has a life time of ducking responsibility and shifting blame? It's very convenient to try to get you to sort it out. It's also another way to get access to you.

My exH had the audacity to try to blame me for my DDs NC with him ie I didn't fix it for him. It was his and his DWs abusive behaviour towards our DD that caused the rift. Not my circus, not my monkeys although other people tried to get me to mediate. I think women have been socialised to be relationship menders. You wouldn't expect your exH to mediate a relationship breakdown for you, would you?

Original poster
Potatodrivers · 16/12/2021 10:10

I dont have anybody who could be used as a go between. But what would the go between do, if I did have one?

Its ultimately down to ds really and what he wants to do. Which I support whatever he decides.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potatodrivers · 16/12/2021 10:14

@Dacquoise

Your DS is old enough to decide not to want contact with his dad. He may feel unsupported and invalidated by you if you try to mediate this for your exH.

Also this isn't your problem to sort out. Its a boundary issue. The relationship between them broke down because of your exH's behaviour towards your son. He needs to own the consequences of that. I suspect he has a life time of ducking responsibility and shifting blame? It's very convenient to try to get you to sort it out. It's also another way to get access to you.

My exH had the audacity to try to blame me for my DDs NC with him ie I didn't fix it for him. It was his and his DWs abusive behaviour towards our DD that caused the rift. Not my circus, not my monkeys although other people tried to get me to mediate. I think women have been socialised to be relationship menders. You wouldn't expect your exH to mediate a relationship breakdown for you, would you?

Yes, exactly. I feel like I should help, but at the same time that feels wrong. Like I've been conditioned to do that.

Like you say, not my circus not my monkeys. I havent caused any of this, so why am I expected to try and help fix it.

Yeah, I am 100% confident that keeping him blocked is the way to go.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 16/12/2021 10:18

It's quite a big decision for ds to have made and he likely is anxious about his dad kicking off over it, Ds will pick up on any change in your mood if you're engaging with his dad because he'll be looking for evidence of it. He's done a hard thing and needs you to back him up by being totally apart from his dads vitriol, keep him blocked.

No need to explain anything to him unless ds asks you too.

Dacquoise · 16/12/2021 10:18

My advice would be to ignore the conditioning and just sit with the associated feelings that arise but don't act on them.

You have got away from this man. Stay away from him. If it's any consolation my DD fully realises what a selfish and inadequate parent her dad is. She doesn't miss him and is thriving in a much healthier environment away from his manipulations.

Dacquoise · 16/12/2021 10:19

And well done you Flowers

User2638483 · 16/12/2021 10:20

Agree too. Keep him blocked.
He still has legal avenues open to him.

lilmishap · 16/12/2021 10:26

@Calamitydrayne

Can you use a go between? You didn't answer that before? There must be someone who will act as a mediator?
Who is going to coerce a 12 year old boy into seeing a man they do not want to see because that mans behaviour has made contact unbearable?

This isn't a mediator situation. A 12 year old doesn't casually decide to cut their dad out, it's a really hard choice that he will have agonised over.

Any suggestion of a third party to pressure him into contact is grossly unfair and cruel.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 16/12/2021 11:52

Support your son, he is old enough now to make his own choice on this and your ex's behaviour will be damaging to his mental health, he has every right to protect himself and expect your support in that.

Original poster
Potatodrivers · 19/12/2021 21:11

Just a needed rant on the current situation.

I kept him blocked. It seemed that ds had been messaging dad a bit more.

Dad is now throwing a temper tantrum with ds and being fucking horrible to be honest.
He has said things like
"I really wanted you to come for Xmas especially to meet the new baby"

What baby? Ds has only not seen dad for a few months. Nowhere near 9 months, so why only now is he hearing about a baby. Meeting one!
When ds asked what baby, dad responded with "you don't even care do you"

Ds asked directly "do you have another baby?"
Dad: "you really don't care. At least I now have something else to put my focus on. Merry xmas"

He also told ds that he is going away tomorrow until January, but during the same conversation said he wanted him there for Christmas to meet the new baby.

This is the exact kind of trollop I had to deal with constantly. Sentences that make no god damn sense, but then him getting angry when you don't understand.

How can ds go for Christmas to meet a baby that may or may not exist when dad himself apparently isn't going to be home for Christmas anyway???

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 19/12/2021 21:14

Tell your ds you are sorry his df is a headfuck but best to leave him to whatever tantrum he is having... And both block him til after new year.

Pinkbonbon · 19/12/2021 21:16

Well done on your son. You should be proud of him for having the sense to tell a horrible person to sod off.

No one should be 'encouraged' to stay in toxluxh with a nasty piece of work.

I hope you tell him how proud you are of him. And further develop his respect for you and for wome I general going forwards. So that he does not turn out anything like his scummy dad.

Pinkbonbon · 19/12/2021 21:16

*women in general