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Relationships

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Original poster

This has made me feel weird. Would you be annoyed?

31 replies

Renttret · 15/12/2021 21:52

DP of 7 months hasn’t mentioned me to colleagues. As in, when he’s been out for meals one to one with a colleague, or when he’s been at a team dinner or lunch, I’ve never come up in conversation.

We spend 4 nights a week together and I find it really odd that I would basically be a secret. We are late 30s and had considered us to be pretty serious, as in we’d talked about a future.

This came up because he was joking that someone from work asked if he was gay as he’s never mentioned any women. I get you wouldn’t announce a relationship to colleagues but these are people he also socialises with and he knows all about their lives as he tells me!

OP posts:

Themummilly · 15/12/2021 21:55

That is weird. My first reaction would not be annoyance but extreme confusion, shortly followed by wondering why he wants to keep me a secret ( he had another woman/he wants to keep his options open/he has some dealings with shady people and doesn't want them to know of me/he is ashamed of me/and so on).

Theremoresefulday · 15/12/2021 21:56

Yeah that’s weird.

IgneousRock · 15/12/2021 22:00

I don't think it's that weird. I work in a male dominated environment, and it's a cliche but true that they don't talk about family / relationships as much as women do. One of them had a baby a few months ago, I knew about it but other male colleagues didn't even know his wife was pregnant.

Coronado2 · 15/12/2021 22:01

As long as when the colleague asked hw then said no, I've got a girlfriend and told them about you, I don't find it weird to be honest.

Original poster

Renttret · 15/12/2021 22:02

@IgneousRock he tells me all about his colleagues, their families, where they’re going on holiday etc. So it must have come up in conversation as to his situation.

I am insulted by it. It feels like such a strange thing to do after so many months. They ask what he’s done over the weekend and apparently he tells them where he’s been or what he’s done but just doesn’t mention I was there!

OP posts:

IgneousRock · 15/12/2021 22:04

Ok in that case I can see why you're annoyed. Did you ask him why? What did he say?

Iamanicepersonreally · 15/12/2021 22:04

I don't think it's wierd at all.

Original poster

Renttret · 15/12/2021 22:06

@IgneousRock he said he’s a private person and doesn’t talk about himself at work.

When I pushed the topic it turns out he’s told his family but none of his close friends !! He said he wanted to tell them in person and they’re all in London (he recently moved away for work).

OP posts:

PhilCornwall1 · 15/12/2021 22:11

he said he’s a private person and doesn’t talk about himself at work.

To me that's feels normal. Very few of my colleagues know anything about me, apart from in a work capacity.

Work is kept completely separate from home and the people I work with (many for over a decade) are work colleagues and nothing more.

Didimum · 15/12/2021 22:17

He sounds like a private person. I think you’re making something about you that is really just a strong feature of his personality. My DH is also very private - he may listen to chit chat at work and ask friendly questions if colleagues are talking about their holidays or partners, but he doesn’t talk about himself.

Not telling his close friends is a little different. But how close are they?

Yummypumpkin · 15/12/2021 22:20

To be honest I'd wonder if he was gay.

People don't generally joke that single people are gay.

And how curious of him to tell you.

Sorry I appreciate that's not a terribly helpful comment, but with him telling family and not friends and all...it is just how i read it

snowdropsandcrocuses · 15/12/2021 22:54

Op I work with a lot of men. One guy recently told me he had split from his long term wife around 18 months ago. He never told a soul at work. He said he wanted to use work as en escape/distraction.

I don't mean to indicate you should be a secret but the guys I work with often don't feel
The need to talk about their personal life with their colleagues. Work seems to be 'the other me' type experience and they don't have deep and meaningful conversations with colleagues. They stick to easy shit like football!

todaysdilemma · 15/12/2021 23:03

I tend to keep my private life private at work but it's impossible in a 1-1 social setting or a team lunch/dinner social when you discuss your weekend plans or what you get up to. How can it never be mentioned when he talks about what he's upto, if you're with him most of the week...

I work in a very male dominated environment, as does my partner and we've both mentioned each other in passing, certainly with colleagues we also socialise with. As simple as saying, "oh, my bf/gf and I are going to xyz".

I would find that odd, yes. Definitely his friends not knowing. But I'd just ask him why it's never come up. The only time guys have shied away from talking about it is when they haven't been sure yet if it was serious or going to last - and want to avoid introducing someone short term at work. So if you think it is serious, maybe worth a quick chat to check if you're on the same page.

me4real · 15/12/2021 23:06

This came up because he was joking that someone from work asked if he was gay as he’s never mentioned any women.

So he has never mentioned any women to them. It's no reflection on how he feels about you in particular, as he's never mentioned any past lovers/love interests either. Sounds like he's just quite a private person, or likes to keep his private life private at work.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 15/12/2021 23:10

[quote Renttret]@IgneousRock he said he’s a private person and doesn’t talk about himself at work.

When I pushed the topic it turns out he’s told his family but none of his close friends !! He said he wanted to tell them in person and they’re all in London (he recently moved away for work).[/quote]
Have you posted about this before, OP? If not, there’s apparently quite a few of these oddballs reading from the same script.

Why does he need to tell them in person? It’s hardly a bombshell. And, by not telling them about you/recounting things you’ve done together without mentioning you, he’s lying by omission. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would rather lie than admit they were dating me.

ArsenicNLace · 15/12/2021 23:21

I would suggest it's deliberate. I worked with someone for a couple of years. He never mentioned a wife or partner and I genuinely assumed he was single. He even asked me out at one point when I was single but I declined. Anyway he went off long term sick & someone was asking how he was and a colleague said he'd bumped into his wife the previous week. Turned out he'd been married for years!!!

I then tested it out for a couple of weeks where I deliberately didn't mention my partner at all and it was really difficult. If you're with someone you naturally mention them in conversation such as what you did at the weekend etc etc. It has lead me to believe if some never mentions a partner at work they are either genuinely single or deliberately hiding the fact they're in a relationship for whatever reason.

me4real · 15/12/2021 23:34

If he's like it with friends too then that is a bit odd @Renttret x

HollowTalk · 15/12/2021 23:37

Have you ever met any of his friends or family while you've been with him?

saleorbouy · 15/12/2021 23:38

Women love to jangle to other women about their lives and woes. Men are generally much more private and talk more about sport.
I worked in a male dominated environment and knew very little about other colleagues private lives, as blokes we're not interested really.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 15/12/2021 23:59

@saleorbouy Really? So, if a work colleague or close friend asks what you’ve been up to over the weekend, you (or your workmates) say ‘I went to hiking’, as opposed to ‘I went hiking with my girlfriend’? As that’s what’s happened here.

If so, you work with very different men to the ones I work with. Then again, I don’t know any men who would say the sentence “Women love to jangle to other women about their lives and woes” or make sweeping gendered generalisations. So, perhaps I’m just really lucky.

timeisnotaline · 16/12/2021 00:08

I know all about my male colleagues families and family life. Dhs know all about me, years ago I went yo meet him in the city and his local cafe staff were excited to meet the wife he talked about. I work in very male dominated environments, and if anything I have sometimes known far more than I need to. That’s pretty normal, I wouldn’t be at all ok with your dhs approach. He’s happy to say he went hiking, he just needs to add he went with you. I’d cut down on the nights together etc for a little while, and tell him I’m helping by giving him less to hide from his friends and colleagues.

Chachasha · 16/12/2021 00:12

I can't think of this meaning anything good or even neutral.

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2021 00:13

[quote Renttret]@IgneousRock he tells me all about his colleagues, their families, where they’re going on holiday etc. So it must have come up in conversation as to his situation.

480Widdio · 16/12/2021 02:26

I was with my husband 4 years before we married.His work colleagues didn’t even know he had a girlfriend.He took a weeks holiday and arrived back at work wearing a wedding ring.I didn’t give it a second thought.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2021 02:56

Not telling colleagues, no big deal. Not telling his friends anything about you? WTF is that about?

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