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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No help or intimacy from dp…help

35 replies

Givingup0888 · 15/12/2021 19:00

I’ve been with dp 4 years we have 1 dc together (13months) and I have dc’s from a previous relationship (15 &12)
When I found out I was pg he was ok with it but expressed he never saw children in his future so was up and down with his moods. By the time I was in the 3rd trimester he was wonderful and looking forward to being a dad.
When our ds was born he took to fatherhood well although maintained he could not do night feeds. This led to me being exhausted and overwhelmed with no rest.
By the time ds was 4/5 months old he told me that, because he works nights he couldn’t get sleep so he would sleep in his parents spare room whilst on shift. I agreed as he needed sleep.
He then started working a night overtime every week. Shortly after this changed to 2 nights overtime. This in turn meant that he only saw me and ds 2 days out of 8.
For the last few months he has also decided that because he is so used to sleeping in the quiet on his own he now cannot sleep in the same bed as me at all. So he sees me and ds 2 days out of 8 a week during the day.
By 7pm he has left to go home and leave me to ds on my own.
Since ds was born we have had sex 5 times. The last time was 3 months ago.
Im also working full time so I am in essence a single full time working mum to 3 children.
Today I have had enough. I mentioned about us spending time together and suggested maybe booking a trip away just for us and the baby while my dc’s are at their dads.
His reply well we can’t book that far in advance. After a moment of confusion I realised it was his way of saying I don’t know if we’ll still be together in a years time or in x amount of months time.
This seriously annoyed me so I asked him what the hell was going on? Are these living arrangements long term then? His reply well I can’t sleep round here and I need sleep.
I asked him if he is happy then to never have sex again? Because we can’t have sex when he is staying at his parents full time. No response
He maintains he doesn’t want to lose me but I’m afraid I can’t live like this for however long. Could be months, could be years
I have now told him that if he wants this life then he will have to start having ds overnight as I have no time for myself. I can’t even go and get a haircut because it will mean having to take ds with me which is not going to work
There is no OW involved
I’m just lost
Any advice would be great

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 15/12/2021 19:07

You need to dump him and apply for child maintenance. What a fucking loser.

Newduvet · 15/12/2021 19:09

What an absolute selfish wanker.

Contactmap · 15/12/2021 19:12

It sounds like your child was unplanned and he is avoiding sex to ensure that another unplanned pregnancy does not happen.

awesomekilick · 15/12/2021 19:12

He's an absolute waste of time. My god. What a horror of a "father" and "partner" - neither of which he is. Are his parents not ashamed of him? Christ OP you are a single parent. Does he pay anything towards your family??

Didimum · 15/12/2021 19:14

This is a terrible life to be living and you have my every sympathy, but at the end of the day you are enabling him and allowing him to treat you like shit. He’s an atrocious father and partner, so ask yourself why you have such low standards for yourself and your child. Go see a solicitor and get all the information you need on your options regarding kicking him out and getting child support payments.

I see no point in offering relationship advice. This idiot already has not even one but two feet out the door.

awesomekilick · 15/12/2021 19:14

@Contactmap

It sounds like your child was unplanned and he is avoiding sex to ensure that another unplanned pregnancy does not happen.
What utter utter rubbish. He's avoiding his responsibilities, having dear old mum and dad look after his every need while OP does all the parenting. If he loved her there a many ways to avoid an unwanted and pregnancy
Aprilx · 15/12/2021 19:15

I think he still doesn’t see children in his future! I wouldn’t accept these scraps he is throwing you. You are effectively a single parent, you might as well be one properly.

KirstenBlest · 15/12/2021 19:15

He's left the relationship hasn't he.
Kick him out and claim CMS

girlmom21 · 15/12/2021 19:16

He's a shit father and an absent father. Your life will be easier without him.

ravenmum · 15/12/2021 19:18

He's moved out. If he didn't want to lose you, he wouldn't have done that.
Too cowardly to admit he's left you?

ravenmum · 15/12/2021 19:20

Have you spoken to his parents? Do they know he is supposedly still with you? Would they be shocked if he didn't take his son at all, or has he e.g. told them that he never wanted a child and you made him do it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2021 19:23

Looks like he's left you but wants you to just realise that without him technically doing it.

Original poster
Givingup0888 · 15/12/2021 19:23

He pays £50 a week cm. This was the point I realised that he was offloading his responsibilities in the form of cash so he could say he does his bit.
His parents have no backbone so while they don’t agree they also accept his ways.
He loves his child but his work comes first.
I pay the bills but it is my house and I want to keep it that way.
I’m just so so fed up.
If he wants to end the relationship that’s fine by me but he needs to start looking after his son so I get some time for me

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2021 19:25

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he's already broken up with you. You just haven't figured it out yet.

0828GCL · 15/12/2021 19:25

You're already single, may as well just make it official and get the hell away from him

girlmom21 · 15/12/2021 19:25

@Givingup0888

He pays £50 a week cm. This was the point I realised that he was offloading his responsibilities in the form of cash so he could say he does his bit. His parents have no backbone so while they don’t agree they also accept his ways. He loves his child but his work comes first. I pay the bills but it is my house and I want to keep it that way. I’m just so so fed up. If he wants to end the relationship that’s fine by me but he needs to start looking after his son so I get some time for me
He's already paying maintenance and no bills?! Wow just fuck him off and tell him he needs to arrange a proper contact schedule so you can work out how much maintenance he should officially be paying.
dane8 · 15/12/2021 19:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mbosnz · 15/12/2021 19:28

Unfortunately, it's very hard to force a parent who doesn't want to have contact and responsibility with their child, to do so.

I'd personally be ending the relationship - you're no worse off.

dane8 · 15/12/2021 19:31

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ravenmum · 15/12/2021 19:32

He loves his child but his work comes first
It's not about his work. He's just left, to escape his responsibilities. Have you even got any proof he's doing overtime?

Scbchl · 15/12/2021 19:32

£50 a week when he works 6 days out of 8 and likely freeloads at his parents.

Seriously, you deserve more than this and so does your son. He doesn't give you his time, support, financial help, affection, you don't have sex. It's a complete farce of a relationship and it's all based on what he wants/believes to be best for HIM! Not what is best for you or your child and that is not the actions of a father or a man I'd be wasting my time on.

litterbird · 15/12/2021 19:38

Wait, what? You have already discussed child maintenance and he is paying this? OP he has already checked out ages ago, you aren't in a relationship at all!! You are already single but I just dont think this has sunk in yet. He made it clear from the outset he didn't see children in his future. When a man says this he means it, so sadly he is acting this way as he still feels that way. It was written in stone when you met him. OP just sort yourself and your children out and move on. He has already.

Original poster
Givingup0888 · 15/12/2021 19:44

I’m starting to get more and more anxious and I’m concerned that depression is going to set in
I feel completely unattractive because of the no sex thing and I am knackered from work, being a mum and running a house.
I’ve spoken to him constantly about us and told him how miserable the whole situation is.
I tell him to leave and one minute he’ll say yeah ok I’m not bothered, the next he’s begging me telling me he loves me so much
Tbh if this is love then love can do one.
He has 900 excuses and says well ds will sleep through at some stage and then things will be different, not taking into account that no ds doesn’t sleep through, never has, not one night in 13 months and I’ve been up each of those nights on my own with him.
If there is an OW then I’d be very surprised as he messages me throughout the night but there potentially could be messages exchanged with an OW, I can’t 100% say that that couldn’t be the case.
In regards to my work. I work afternoons/evenings and either his or my parents have ds depending on their work schedule

OP posts:
Original poster
Givingup0888 · 15/12/2021 19:44

Thankyou for the replies, they are clearing my head

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/12/2021 19:45

50 quid a week is fuck all. Time to make it official and sort out proper contact and CM. It's likely he won't want contact though but he needs to cough up for his own kid.