DH said he didn’t love me anymore

[Midnightstar76]

I feel physically sick. We have been together 23 years and have two girls 14 and 8 and married. He has been having a pop at me getting angry over the slightest things I do over the past few months. I just seem to irritate him. Last night I had just picked up youngest from after school club and it was pushing six in the evening. He had already returned from work and had started tea. We take turns and it was my turn but let him carry on, then he started making remarks about me not doing anything again etc and I got really cross. Said sit down I will finish it and slammed a few cupboards I was that cross as I do pull my weight, I do my fair share. I dogged at him and said why don’t you collect youngest, oh yes you don’t drive. It is always on me to ferry everyone around and I get utterly fed up of it. Anyway this all ended in me not speaking and DH swanning off to bed. The next day he said sorry by txt but I did not read it or respond. I got home last night and there was this awful tenseness between us. I was just so upset. I waited for the girls to go to bed and said are you wanting to split up, he said we need to talk. We sat down and he said he feels like we are just mates, we don’t have time for each other. He feels like his life is just working and splitting the bills in two. He said he has felt like this for the past six months and this has been the time period when I have noticed him getting frustrated with me. I confronted him about this and he says he knows and it’s not fair on me and I deserve better. I said do you love me and he put his head down and said no he doesn’t anymore and said about feeling like this for a while. I said right I will go, he said no he will go I can have the house. I said I can’t afford the house I will have to put it up for sale. He then said he will pay the bills and mortgage still ?!!! I said I won’t stand in your way if it’s what you want. You can see the girls 50/50. He then said I am too nice, I said well that hasn’t got me anywhere. He then said his head is all over and he suggested we have councelling. This is a huge bombshell for me , he is my life. I told him I loved him and just can’t believe this is happening. I thought we were fine. I was fine with his outbursts as we are all human and agree I am irritating at times. But this is married life and life. Anyway he said he did not want to sleep with me as would not be fair and he got a duvet to sleep downstairs. We agreed to let the children have a good Christmas and tell them together after that. I said I have no idea about divorce. He said he did not want to get a flat as it would be just work and the flat. I was upstairs and immediately told my mum and sister what had just happened on watts app. That my life has just fallen to pieces. He then sends me a txt saying my head is all over sorry and of course he loves me. I nip downstairs and he grabs me in a hug and says he loves me. We went to bed and he held me but he said he loved me again. Then the next day he said we are back to normal gave me a hug and said I’ve got you back. He knows I told my mum and sister and said to tell them we just had a big argument but it’s over now. He does not want to tell his parents. Now he has had a lot going on for his m, his cousin has died recently which has been a massive shock and his mum is poorly with her neck and I just think that life has really got to him. But I have been there for him and always will be. Is this some sort of midlife crisis where he has been evaluating everything. I feel incredibly hurt and it will take me a long time to get over the fact he said he does not love me. I feel a feeling of absolute panic in the pit of my stomach. I am so so scared this will happen again and my life will implode. Anyway I am glad to have got this rambling off my chest. I just feel like screaming please go away everyone you are destroying my marriage.

I got really cross. Said sit down I will finish it and slammed a few cupboards I was that cross as I do pull my weight, I do my fair share. I dogged at him and said why don’t you collect youngest, oh yes you don’t drive. It is always on me to ferry everyone around and I get utterly fed up of it. Anyway this all ended in me not speaking and DH swanning off to bed. The next day he said sorry by txt but I did not read it or respond

This bit stuck out. How well do you normally communicate?

That was meant to have bolded 🤦

Honestly, I think his head has been turned. He’s told the OW that he’s leaving you, she’s panicked and said she doesn’t want him so now he’s saying he didn’t mean it. I’d proceed with great caution.

6 months.
Cherchez la femme.

He’s had his head turned.
That’s why he’s telling you to keep the house, he feels guilty.

Just be aware, the guilt won’t last long op.
He’ll be rewriting history soon enough.

I’m sorry op.

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about anyone else being involved. After 20 years I am the one doing this to my husband. I will be paying for 2 houses but it’s worth it just to be free.
That’s probably not what you want to hear but there are a multitude of events and reasons he wants to leave, only he will be able to tell you exactly why, but be aware that may not happen immediately

It sounds like your DH is struggling and has been bottling things in, as you say with the recent death of his cousin. We often say things we do not mean when we are not feeling like 'ourselves'. I think the fact he mentioned counselling is a good sign because he recognises his mental health is fragile at the moment and is willing to seek help. Perhaps couples' therapy would be beneficial for you both, considering the fact you feel a little uncertain with regards to your position as a wife and how he perceives you - I would absolutely feel the same if I was in your position and making this exact post. We never want to hear our partners say that they do not love us, especially if they have a beautiful life like yours with two children.

Naturally, this scenario will play in your head over and over again until you either accept that what he said was in jest and caused by your DH's fragile mental state or your DH proves to you that his feelings remain unchanged, but is suffering with anxiety/depression. Definitely look into counselling as by the sounds of it, it has not been happening for too long. Six months is not really a long time, therefore it is so much easier to catch and treat the problem as soon as it appears than waiting it through or 'talking it over'. Does your DH usually tell you everything when he has something negative happening in his life? Is he embarrassed to talk about something?

From my experience, my DH likes to keep things to himself and he will randomly explode and say things like 'I don't even like you anymore' - and this is a strong sentence because you need to like someone first in order to then love them, but I know he says it in anger and we eventually cool down and talk things through to resolve matters. Being intimate also helps.

I wish you all the best and all the support that you can get.

I would normally be suspicious but he seems to have a lot going on and losing people close to you does cause you to reevaluate your life.

Is your joint life, work and home? Does he have plans or hobbies? It is however wise to have in your mind the risk of a OW, just keep your eyes and mind open to the idea.

He has asked for counseling, that seems sensible

As PPs said, cherchez la femme. He's picking arguments to justify his own behaviour and she's probably bigging up how domestic she is to wind him up against you and he's now comparing you unfavourably to these fables.

I would advise saying nothing and using the holidays to very quietly gather financial information and store it safely elsewhere, as you'll need all the information you can get to secure a reasonable settlement. Remember, he isn't on your team anymore, he's on her's. You will be their adversary and they will not intend to give you a fair settlement.

Don't trust his promises, trust only the financial consent order.

I'd suggest counseling as quick as you can. Private as it'll be quicker but find someone recommended. Whether that's so you can separate peacefully or find a way forward together. But I'd also say that his heads probably been turned. Can't say if he's acted on it or not.

I'm no expert but it sounds like he just blew up and needed to get something out of him.
I thought OW at first but reading on, maybe not

I said do you love me and he put his head down and said no he doesn’t anymore and said about feeling like this for a while

I’d not be quick to brush this under the carpet - that’s a strong statement to make to then the next day change his mind and decide everything is ok. If it’s not another woman, something has gone badly wrong for him to think it’s ok to say that and I’d want to know a) if it was a fleeting thought, why he said it and b) if it wasn’t a fleeting though, what happened literally overnight to make him change his mind again.

He knows I told my mum and sister and said to tell them we just had a big argument but it’s over now.

This is bollocks, he dropped a grenade in your lap and now wants it to be over now. As if it’s that simple.

If your name means your b-year, you are mid 40s. And have been together since early/mid twenties?
This doesn’t have to mean he has met someone. I am in your age group and a lot of my friends have been going through this reevaluation of life. It is possible that the midlife crisis is real - at least what people seem to experience after a long marriage and kids not babies anymore.
Kids take over our life, and marriage becomes about chores and schedules. And at the same time we are getting older.
So - being tired and down is normal. And I think people - men and women alike also think at this age - is this it? Is this what my life has turned out to be?
In our 20s and 30s we still are looking out for possibilities - there are still doors that aren’t open but can be. Not just relationship wise, but career as well.
By 40s - we are there.
So - it seems he is looking at his life and maybe being not completely happy with what it is.
Last two years of pandemic must have taken a toll too.

If I were you - I’d think about counselling very seriously. I’d also pick up a book called Mating in Captivity. It is about keeping long relationships alive.

This sounds so much like a friend's situation. Her DH had two deaths (cousin's) and started going through a midlife crisis, and then turned to another woman at work for support. Turned into an affair. Whether there's an OW with your DH remains to be seen, but I would try and just give him his space, get on with your life, and yes try counseling (him, definitely, and together too possibly).

He needs to sort his head out, and any pressure from you will unfortunately not help. You did well at this - it sounds like the fact that you were so amenable, agreeing to splitting up, 50/50 custody, made him give his head a shake. Keep this approach. Men in midlife crisis tend to want to rewrite history and see you as their evil captor who made their life miserable for the whole relationship. Don't give him any ammo.

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this 😢 try and keep your own life going, build your best life regardless of whether he'll be there or not.

@Midnightstar76
I would go with his initial suggestion of counselling. In your case, I dont agree with others who are straightaway suspecting another woman. I've seen other posts on mumsnet which strongly suggest an emotional or physical affair but there's nothing in your post which suggests this. It sounds like your relationship as a couple has been neglected which has led to issues.

The issues you mentioned are common in marriage and there's no reason at all why they can't be resolved with counselling, time, forgiveness and sensitivity on both sides. People give up on marriage way too easily nowadays! Sometimes after a bad patch it's easy to lose sight of the bigger picture and the good points that exist in a marriage.

Divorce breaks up a family, with the biggest effect on children who are facing the rest of their childhood and adult lives shuttling between two parents, two homes and two sets of lives with all the emotional baggage that it brings to them and to their own future romantic relationships too.

It’s got the mark of an affair all over it I’m sorry to say. The whole I don’t love you anymore then back tracking is a massive red flag. I’m sorry he’s putting you through this.

Thank you everyone, yes I am bang on 45. I think he should have some counselling but I am going to give him space and not hound him. He admitted he is suffering with his mental health and feels lost and isolated. I just don’t know what to make of it all. We do normally communicate and never argue but this argument just really escalated. It was daft and immature on my part to not speak but I was just so tired and mad. You just feel on a treadmill just trying to get through life. The thought of not having that one person in my life who I thought would always back me up is a massive bombshell

@IknowwhatIneed

Honestly, I think his head has been turned. He’s told the OW that he’s leaving you, she’s panicked and said she doesn’t want him so now he’s saying he didn’t mean it. I’d proceed with great caution.

Omfg, that was quick!

Unfortunately these boards are full of people quick to jump to this conclusion, with literally nothing to base it on apart from (often) their own experience.

Yes, there can sometimes be a 'script' being followed but you do realise it's totally normal to fall out of love with someone or feel like a relationship is over without having your head turned?
I've seen it happen with male relatives and friends and literally nobody else was involved, the relationship/marriage had just run its course for them.

Poor op has enough to worry about!

@crosbystillsandmash no affairs in my marriage, thanks - our relationship did just run it’s course with no rancour on either side, just going through a very sad split.

I’ve worked with couples for a very many years though and, without exception, when things change so quickly in a relationship - from being ok to “I don’t love you” with no warning - there’s been a third party involved.

I've seen it happen with male relatives and friends and literally nobody else was involved.

That you know of.

OP, people talk about there being another women because we have all lived it and recognise the similarities between your DH actions and what happened to them.

Obviously it's not ALWAYS another women, but it is a lot of the time.

Keep your ears and eyes open and good luck.

[quote IknowwhatIneed]@crosbystillsandmash no affairs in my marriage, thanks - our relationship did just run it’s course with no rancour on either side, just going through a very sad split.

I’ve worked with couples for a very many years though and, without exception, when things change so quickly in a relationship - from being ok to “I don’t love you” with no warning - there’s been a third party involved.[/quote]
When did I suggest there was?

How is your professional experience relevant? The majority of couples don't go for counselling and I'm finding your comment fairly unbelievable anyway!

How old is your DH? My DH went all weird on the run up to his 50th birthday. I think he genuinely thought that the day after his birthday he’d drop down dead or his hair would turn grey. He was a pain to live with.
Fortunately when nothing happened he returned to normal.
His behaviour last year as he was about to turn 60 was totally different. He was verging on an emotional affair. He became irritated by me but wouldn’t argue. I spotted the change in behaviour and quickly confronted him. It’s been a rough 12 mnths but actually we are closer than ever.
Sometimes the relationship needs a grenade to make you realise how routine it has become. You both need to know that there is still passion, life gets in the way in your forties and fifties.
It made us both consider the future together, we are still best friends, lovers and parents. We all need affirmation it has to come from both sides. Men are just a bit more needy than women.

I’m sorry but I’m erring on the side of affair as well.

I’m not saying this because I’m jumping to conclusions it’s because so much of his behaviour screams it. I know way too many stories that start exactly like this one.

OP please PLEASE be careful. It might be time to start quietly digging.

If that’s true, then forewarned is forearmed.

Unfortunately these boards are full of people quick to jump to this conclusion, with literally nothing to base it on apart from (often) their own experience.

You quoted me and said this @crosbystillsandmash, so it’s reasonable for me to state my experience.

This happened to me. There was another woman.