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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH said he didn’t love me anymore

47 replies

Midnightstar76 · 15/12/2021 16:14

I feel physically sick. We have been together 23 years and have two girls 14 and 8 and married. He has been having a pop at me getting angry over the slightest things I do over the past few months. I just seem to irritate him. Last night I had just picked up youngest from after school club and it was pushing six in the evening. He had already returned from work and had started tea. We take turns and it was my turn but let him carry on, then he started making remarks about me not doing anything again etc and I got really cross. Said sit down I will finish it and slammed a few cupboards I was that cross as I do pull my weight, I do my fair share. I dogged at him and said why don’t you collect youngest, oh yes you don’t drive. It is always on me to ferry everyone around and I get utterly fed up of it. Anyway this all ended in me not speaking and DH swanning off to bed. The next day he said sorry by txt but I did not read it or respond. I got home last night and there was this awful tenseness between us. I was just so upset. I waited for the girls to go to bed and said are you wanting to split up, he said we need to talk. We sat down and he said he feels like we are just mates, we don’t have time for each other. He feels like his life is just working and splitting the bills in two. He said he has felt like this for the past six months and this has been the time period when I have noticed him getting frustrated with me. I confronted him about this and he says he knows and it’s not fair on me and I deserve better. I said do you love me and he put his head down and said no he doesn’t anymore and said about feeling like this for a while. I said right I will go, he said no he will go I can have the house. I said I can’t afford the house I will have to put it up for sale. He then said he will pay the bills and mortgage still ?!!! I said I won’t stand in your way if it’s what you want. You can see the girls 50/50. He then said I am too nice, I said well that hasn’t got me anywhere. He then said his head is all over and he suggested we have councelling. This is a huge bombshell for me , he is my life. I told him I loved him and just can’t believe this is happening. I thought we were fine. I was fine with his outbursts as we are all human and agree I am irritating at times. But this is married life and life. Anyway he said he did not want to sleep with me as would not be fair and he got a duvet to sleep downstairs. We agreed to let the children have a good Christmas and tell them together after that. I said I have no idea about divorce. He said he did not want to get a flat as it would be just work and the flat. I was upstairs and immediately told my mum and sister what had just happened on watts app. That my life has just fallen to pieces. He then sends me a txt saying my head is all over sorry and of course he loves me. I nip downstairs and he grabs me in a hug and says he loves me. We went to bed and he held me but he said he loved me again. Then the next day he said we are back to normal gave me a hug and said I’ve got you back. He knows I told my mum and sister and said to tell them we just had a big argument but it’s over now. He does not want to tell his parents. Now he has had a lot going on for his m, his cousin has died recently which has been a massive shock and his mum is poorly with her neck and I just think that life has really got to him. But I have been there for him and always will be. Is this some sort of midlife crisis where he has been evaluating everything. I feel incredibly hurt and it will take me a long time to get over the fact he said he does not love me. I feel a feeling of absolute panic in the pit of my stomach. I am so so scared this will happen again and my life will implode. Anyway I am glad to have got this rambling off my chest. I just feel like screaming please go away everyone you are destroying my marriage.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 15/12/2021 19:47

Unless he has found some shocking facts about you, 6 months isn't a long time. People go through rough patches that last longer than that. Telling someone you don't love them is extreme - either it's said in anger to punish or they really mean it. You don't just tell someone something like that flippantly.

It sounds like he's either very confused, or he's chickened out for some reason. I would not consider this matter resolved because there's a good chance he just wants all of this to go away and not have to go through the painful and upsetting process of splitting up.

IamGusFring · 15/12/2021 20:56

He sounds very confused - the confusion that people get when they don't know what they want in life and don't have the guts to stand up and say ( often when they are having an affair ) . They are scared to go to the brink hence why he is suggesting counselling . All that he said - he doesn't love you any more, he will pay the mortgage and bills , he doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you ... I fear that he will return to this position in a few days . I know the feeling you are having and it is just horrible . I hope things work out - this is no way to live .

Avarua · 15/12/2021 21:00

Don't jump to any conclusions. Take time off work, both of you, give the kids to someone else and HAVE A HOLIDAY TOGETHER. Just spend time. Talk talk and talk.
You owe this to your marriage.

Avarua · 15/12/2021 21:02

The people hounding you that it's an affair just want the drama. At your expense. This is your marriage. Don't make rash conclusions based on "advice" from the internet. There are some very bitter women here. But your experience is not theirs.

3luckystars · 15/12/2021 21:12

Go to the counselling. You have nothing to lose.

I have heard of bereavement causing a huge shock and making people evaluate their life, but it could also be something else.
You should go to the counselling 100%

WanderingLost167 · 15/12/2021 21:52

As someone with experience in this area, if there was an affair, unhappiness in the relationship probably lead to it in the first place. People fall out of love for many reasons

crosbystillsandmash · 15/12/2021 22:02

@Avarua

These are very wise words.

I'm always appalled at how quickly people jump on these sort of threads.
You can almost hear them rubbing their hands with glee as they type

SunflowerTed · 15/12/2021 22:16

Another woman

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2021 22:20

You need to Increase your earnings don't rely on him and his generosity should you split

SarahDarah · 15/12/2021 23:54

@Avarua

Don't jump to any conclusions. Take time off work, both of you, give the kids to someone else and HAVE A HOLIDAY TOGETHER. Just spend time. Talk talk and talk. You owe this to your marriage.

This.

It's concerning how so many posters are projecting their own experiences of being cheated on onto the OP's situation or simply stating an affair to cause OP to feel insecure and split up with her husband.

Not only on this thread, I've also noticed it on other threads where such posters pile on and actually seem to enjoy encouraging a divorce and family breakup. When this is someone's real life and OP will obviously be feeling vulnerable. It's quite sick behaviour when you think about it

crosbystillsandmash · 16/12/2021 07:04

@SunflowerTed

Another woman

Are you the op's dh?

Thought not.
Yet another pointless post. It's tiresome

crosbystillsandmash · 16/12/2021 07:08

@SarahDarah
The projecting on these posts is just awful isn't it?
Posters are so quick to jump on and make such damaging assumptions.
There is so much bitterness on these boards, the vast majority of which is irrelevant and unhelpful to posters asking for support.
It's so damaging, particularly as the op is in such a vulnerable position.

Franca123 · 16/12/2021 07:22

Sounds to me like your husband is having a hard time. Counselling sounds like a good idea. My partner and I have had quite a few of these arguments and it's always because one or both of us is under a lot of stress. I'd talk to him a lot. He also said he wanted to more things outside of work and home life. Could you go out just the two of you? It would give you a chance to talk. None of this suggests cheating to me...... but I guess we all just bring our own experiences to the problem.

IamGusFring · 16/12/2021 11:35

[quote crosbystillsandmash]@SarahDarah
The projecting on these posts is just awful isn't it?
Posters are so quick to jump on and make such damaging assumptions.
There is so much bitterness on these boards, the vast majority of which is irrelevant and unhelpful to posters asking for support.
It's so damaging, particularly as the op is in such a vulnerable position.[/quote]
In your opinion

tarasmalatarocks · 16/12/2021 14:54

I think people can become unhappy and dissatisfied for all kinds of reasons both men and women and it really doesn’t always involve an affair- it’s very easy when you have been crapped on to think most breakups are due to infidelity but that is by no means the only reason. Manchildren, overspenders, alcoholics, constant depression , porn use, even husbands with wives who do fuck all around the house or simply no longer fancying someone — I’ve known folks who split up for all these reasons. It may be OP just as he says - and once someone says it, then they usually mean it unless it was said in the heat of an argument

ravenmum · 16/12/2021 15:03

When I came on years ago with a similar story - husband acting out of character, also recently suffered a bereavement, annoyed with me, picking at me, not sure if he loved me - people said "cherchez la femme" and at first I wasn't even sure what they meant.

In the end it came out that he had indeed been re-evaluating his life. He was suffering from the bereavement. And he was having an affair. It's not always an either-or thing.

ravenmum · 16/12/2021 15:07

(In my case, the advice to "chercher la femme" and read the script was extremely useful. If it doesn't apply here, then it doesn't apply. But it's worth looking into, so that you're not taken in by the mind games etc. if they do occur.)

Themummilly · 16/12/2021 15:22

Similar to @ravenmum I've also been on a long journey by coming onto the forums and receiving advice like cherchez la femme. Except my journey went a bit beyond that.
The thing that struck me by your description of what he said and how he reacted OP is the similarity with reactions from men who either aren't getting enough sex at home, or, have been viewing porn and realising that they have a 'bucket list' of things that they may never get. Sorry if this sounds brutal. It might be way off the mark. It's just so natural for us women to assume there is 'another woman' but more and more it is tending to be behaviour influenced by porn-related services which is due to the ease of access via some now very popular websites. I wish you all the best.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/12/2021 15:33

@ravenmum

In the end it came out that he had indeed been re-evaluating his life. He was suffering from the bereavement. And he was having an affair. It's not always an either-or thing.

Exactly the same here. I'm not bitter but my ex husband's behaviour changed in all the same ways @ravenmum describes and then I discovered his affair.

Of course this might not be the case here and I really hope it isn't because believe it or not, not all all women who have been cheated on 'rub their hands together' when it happens to someone else. It was the worst time of my life.

Tiredofbs123 · 16/12/2021 15:45

Bitter? loving drama? Wanting to see another marriage fail?

Nope I’m none of those things. Just someone who has, like ravenmum and sunshineandflipflops, been there and got the t’shirt. Husband struggling with bereavement -yep, depression - yep, affair - yep.

I was lucky in that I recognised what was going on fast, I also had advice warning me that that was what it could be. It hurt, but they were right.

This year alone, I’ve also had several friends describe similar, in EVERY single case there was another woman.

I hate the idea of anyone going through betrayal, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But being warned and then looking out for the red flags is an important part of keeping yourself safe.

Tiredofbs123 · 16/12/2021 15:48

OP I really hope this isn’t what is happening for you! And I do hope you’re ok.

Whatever is or is not going on, please remember your worth.

Metoo99 · 16/12/2021 22:51

Hope you are okay. I think communication is the key here. Try to spend some quality time together and really talk.
Maybe suggest each writing 5 main points on paper which each of you think you need to discuss, swap papers and take the talking from there.
I have been through a horrible break up, and at one point I wished I had done this, but it is too late now.
Please do trust your gut feelings. I didn’t, I wanted to believe that he did still love me, but he didn’t really, and had had an affair…and he lied about it…my story…not yours. Please encourage talking, intensely with each other, everyones story is different. I hope your’s is, but I reiterate, please do trust your gut feeling x

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