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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help - I dont know what to do

38 replies

AppleOpple · 15/12/2021 13:48

Hi MNs. I need help.

Over the past few years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with my wife's "take" on many things. She says that I'm being too sensitive and I don't much support IRL so I dont know where to turn.

Some of it is seemingly benign - for example she seems to be anxious about the most trivial of things (well I see them as being trivial). I do the food shopping and she says I buy too much food and the food bills are too high and there is too much food in the fridge. Just this week she told me that I can't go food shopping this weekend as she is away and there is enough food already... I explained that I needed to because I have a friend over - but I just don't understand... its only food in a fridge.

A month ago we had nephews and nieces over to stay, and so I said I would go food shopping on the Saturday like I do every week. She said no that wasnt going to happen because she didnt want me bringing the bags of food into the house when the children were there. I feel this to be a bit weird and explained that the kids wont mind and that in households everywhere there will be food and toys and a bit of chaos. But she was adamant - she told me to go on Friday instead but I had to work late. In the end she said "fine, I will go myself" Now she doesnt drive because although she has a licence she is scared. She has to carry the food back by hand and we have had arguments before when she has bought more than she can carry.

So I saw this one coming - I got home from work and was shattered and decided to have a bath. And within 10 minutes she was calling asking for me to come and pick her up. In the end I walked to the supermarket in my dressing gown. I sat her down a few days later and told her that I am not happy. Her response was that I am an uncommitted husband and that my Dad and her brother in law are examples of what a proper husband looks like. In her exact words - my Dad was willing to drive 200 miles to pick up my Mum and I'm not even willing to get out of the bath.

I've lost so many arguments that now I just sit back and take it...but Im thinking deep down that something isnt right here. But I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

BobbieT1999 · 15/12/2021 13:52

Sounds like there are 2 issues here...The one about food shopping isn't clear. She has a valid point if food is going to waste and especially if she does the bulk of the cooking. If this is so then you need to pay attention.

However, you're hinting at a bigger issue whereby you feel you can't do right and she feels you're not enough? If you can expand on this a bit more then we might be able to advise more effectively.

Shoxfordian · 15/12/2021 13:59

She sounds exhausting to live with

Original poster

AppleOpple · 15/12/2021 14:23

She doesn't do the bulk of the cooking no, I would say it 70:30. And no there isn't that much waste. Its got to the point that it feels almost punishment - she actually said that I had to eat food out of the freezer before I could go food shopping for the weekend... and then I have to either just give in or try and stand my ground. For me its a trivial matter in that way... if there is a bit of food left over in the fridge when we leave for Christmas we can just take it with us. I dont even think about it... yet for her its massive issue.

And yes, I think there is an increasingly underlying issue of her being told what to do. As in, she cant ever be told. I was cooking dinner (for her friends!) last week and asked if she could hold something quickly and she kicks off. Her exact words to me were "I'm not here to be your servant".. But I was literally just asking her to hold something to help me... and I was cooking a meal for her friends.

OP posts:

premium77 · 15/12/2021 14:27

Sounds like low level anxiety or OCD. Has she had issues with this in the past?

Caramellatteplease · 15/12/2021 14:31

Do you have a food budget? Are you jointly spending to the budget?

Yes I would expect a partner with a car to pick me up if I had done the food shopping. Unless you didnt know she was at the shops I wouldn't have waited until after I'd picked her up to have a bath. I'm a little confused why you were walking down in your bathrobe? Is this a typo for driving down? Either way it does feel like you were trying to prove a point as opposed to pulling together as a team

ElleGettingBetter · 15/12/2021 14:33

It’s low level abuse and if she were a man telling you you had to eat out the freezer before you were “allowed” to buy more food then the responses would be different.

I would make plans to leave her.

Caramellatteplease · 15/12/2021 14:40

It’s low level abuse and if she were a man...

Depends what the family budget is. If she's trying to keep to a budget and hes going out at a weekend buying expensive treats they cant afford then no that wouldn't be abuse. If she and any kids were eating value stuff because that's all she could afford and hes out getting Tesco finest at the weekend then that wouldn't be abuse either.

It's too easy to call abuse where it could just as easily be mismatched spending priorities. Still doesn't mean the relationship has a future necessarily...🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

thetinsoldier · 15/12/2021 14:41

She sounds controlling and ... odd. Doesn't sound as if you have much fun together. She sounds tiring to live with.

The supermarket thing is bizarre - did you walk down in your dressing gown? Why not drive? Why did she go of she wasn't going to walk back? Why don't you both do supermarket deliveries?!

ElleGettingBetter · 15/12/2021 14:44

It’s easy to call abuse when it’s abuse.

She didn’t mention money, and she went shopping herself….I’m going on what’s written.

And yes, I have to wonder if the responses would be the same if she were a man. Would you tell a female that her male partner was probably just trying to save money if he banned her from shopping until she’s eaten what’s in the freezer, or told her when and what days she was allowed to buy food, or snapped and made shitty comments when she was cooking for his friends and asked for help?

BobbieT1999 · 15/12/2021 14:47

Im not convinced yet that the food issue, from the details, you've given, is a case of abuse or exertion of control. Thats not to say its entirely acceptable but it still sounds to me more that she has anxiety issues around food use and wastage - be interesting to know what is in her past/upbringing that has contributed to this. (I'm afraid if the 70/30 split of cooking is her doing the 70% then yes she does the bulk of it.)

This still seems like a side issue rather than the underlying problem which you still haven't given much info on. Do you need to think about it for a bit? It can be difficult putting it into words at times.

Can you give more examples of the things that are making you unhappy?

Has it always been like this or has it developed over the years?

Have you recently retired or has it become noticeable since the first lockdown? I wonder if spending so much time together day after day has given rise to irritation, etc, which wouldn't be unusual.

Caramellatteplease · 15/12/2021 14:51

And yes, I have to wonder if the responses would be the same if she were a man.

I would think twice about anyone who took a bath knowing their partner had to walk home from the shops with bags of shopping. Especially after an argument. Smacks of punishment and making a point

Original poster

AppleOpple · 15/12/2021 15:14

To answer a few questions - we both earn six figure salaries, money is not an issue at all. We have no kids, and lockdown has meant no holidays etc. So money isn't an issue.

She went because she refuses to drive, and so she called in. But she fills the trolley up and only then when she tries to carry it does she realise that she cant carry it. The easiest thing to do is ring me and get me to carry it.

Why didnt I drive - because the supermarket that she went to is like a smaller urban one with no real parking and only around 500 meters from the house. There is no point driving. I was in the bath when she called me to tell me to come and pick up the shopping. So literally I had to put on a dressing gown and walk down as she was waiting. I knew if she had to wait then she would have caused a fuss. Its happened before and she said I was an uncommitted husband and that her friends husbands wouldnt have let her carry heavy bags home. She says that compared to my Dad and BIL that Im a bad partner.

In terms of @Caramellatteplease comment. I didn't do it on purpose at all. I finished my work day, got home and went for a bath. She didnt text me to say when exactly she was going shopping or anything like that.

I feel that, in the relationship she complains about X, Y and Z. But then doesn't want to change or control the variables that she doesnt like and instead just says that I need to change and I am at fault. She doesn't like the food shopping that I do, she doesnt like the cooking that I do, but then she doesn't want me to bring bags into the house when children are there. But then she doesn't want to drive, and she cant carry the shopping home by herself.

Yes over the past weeks I have wondered if she has anxiety and the control is a response to that

OP posts:

BobbieT1999 · 15/12/2021 15:34

There's more to this, I'm sure.
@AppleOpple a personal question but how is the physical side of your marriage?

Caramellatteplease · 15/12/2021 15:38

I'd still have driven. Just easier all round

You cant change someone else only yourself. And ime people very rarely change who they are. If you are unhappy you can either stay and put up with each others foibles or leave.

In the end it's all about whether she makes you happy enough to make the bad bits worth dealing with.

ElleGettingBetter · 15/12/2021 15:42

@Caramellatteplease

And yes, I have to wonder if the responses would be the same if she were a man.

I would think twice about anyone who took a bath knowing their partner had to walk home from the shops with bags of shopping. Especially after an argument. Smacks of punishment and making a point

After the OP had already offered to go shopping, but was told he wasn’t allowed to have bags in the house on the Saturday?

After she told him he would have to go on the Friday but he was working late, so told him stubbornly that she would go herself?

Even after knowing he was working late, had just got home and had ran a bath?

We are obviously reading this differently.

Original poster

AppleOpple · 15/12/2021 15:47

We havent had sex for 4 years. I dont feel like a man anymore. Im in my late 30s.

Its like death by a thousand cuts.

OP posts:

ElleGettingBetter · 15/12/2021 15:52

If there are no children involved and you would both be ok financially why are you still together?

What does the relationship bring to your life? If it’s that bad, leave. It sounds impossible but it really isn’t, and it sounds like you would be much happier. Life is too short for this it really is.

YungWaffle · 15/12/2021 15:57

Is this a joke?
You're in your 30s, 6-figure salary, no kids and no sex.
Divorce her, hit the gym, buy some new clothes and get yourself a 20-something girlfriend.
This is a lot of hassle for no obvious reason.

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/12/2021 16:00

get yourself a 20-something girlfriend.

BobbieT1999 · 15/12/2021 16:10

I'd never have guessed you were so young tbh.

Echoing others who ask why you're still together? Do you love her?

If you're still committed to your marriage then I think you should look into couples counselling.

KirstenBlest · 15/12/2021 16:22

@YungWaffle, ageist and sexist.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2021 16:56

"In the end I walked to the supermarket in my dressing gown."

Really? I was pretty neutral on your OP until I got to this. How performative of you.

You could have dressed quickly and driven there, but no - you had to choose something that would make people stare at you and wonder about the backstory, and make her feel humiliated.

If you'll pull that little stunt, I wonder what other tricks and games you like to play.

KirstenBlest · 15/12/2021 16:59

Driven? It was not even a third of a mile away. I wouldn't dream of driving such a short distance

Divebar2021 · 15/12/2021 17:07

She didn’t need to be there in the first place …. She was making a point. She could have got a bloody Uber or actually booked a home delivery. She wanted to martyr herself and punish the OP for non-compliance.

KirstenBlest · 15/12/2021 17:25

As someone who regularly walks to the supermarket - depending on which one - 0.6 miles or 2 miles, I do not push a trolley round the store because using a basket lets me know what is a manageable load for carrying home.

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