got to visit my mother today.....dreading it.......cheer me up!

[ChristmasSendsMePsycho]

got to go see my mum today for her xmas party, and I DON'T WANT TO GO................................................................

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sorry, will explain.

she is schizophrenic, and is very very hard to handle (well, for me at least as I am terrified of her), and to add to the trauma my aunt is taking me who is more terrifying and I have nowhere to run or hide as I am not in any control.

still unable to drive because of my car accident, so can't get away on that score, and neither can I walk a long way so can't walk out either.

can't arrange to go later in the week either as then would be with mr psycho and the psychobabies and the psychobabies cannot keep their mouths shut and so will tell her ALL about the crash and what happened and everything, leading to melt down for my mum as she absolutely cannot know about anyhting bad happening to us as she then freaks........MEANING........no sympathy from DH as he normally bolsters me, and also when I go with him and the kiddies then we can beat a hasty retreat when things get too much (normally after half hour)

aunty is no help what-so-ever as she is mums older sister so is not scared of her, but she has NO compassion and thinks that I am just being stuppid (her words). but this is the woman who forced me to go as a child when my mum had spent the previous visit physically attacking me (to be fair, I now know she didn't realise it was me IYKWIM), and I was soobing the entire journey up and aunty verbally attacking for not understanding. I was 11 FFS.......a child!

sooo.........understand my fear and help me.....I normally have to drink to go vist and obviously can't at the moment, and need mind thinking happy thoughts.

Can't offer any words of wisdom apart from once you have been today you hopefully won't have to see her for a while - just keep thinking this.

very true.....if I do today, I don't have the dreaded xmas eve visit as per the norm.

hmm.......xmas eve without mum or aunty......a definate cheer up

Can you prepare yourself something nice for tonight (takeway/nice bath/endless shagging...whatever floats your boat really)? At least while you're there you'll have something to look forward to!

pmsl laughing at "endless shagging"...

mr psycho will think HIS xmas has come early!!!!!!!!!!!!!

made me smile tho.

and that sounds awful doesn't it, that I am not in favour of the "endless shagging".

not true

Hi Psycho, seen you post on another thread but did not want to hijack incase you did not see. Theres a thread you may find useful/supportive 'but we took you to stately homes' thread. I understand your mother cannot help her illness and it must be terrible for her, however from what you have put, you may need support yourself? I could have this all wrong, but it does sound quite traumatic being taken to see your frightening mum by your frightening aunt as an 11 yr old.

Anyway, hope today goes as well as it can, maybe you could choose not to go next year?

allyx

thankyou all.....may indeed go to that thread.

have seen it, and am unsure if I can post as altho I have indeed had a crap upbringing, mine is odd IYGWIM. will most likely go, as yes, support is much needed at times such as today.

can't get out of the xmas visits unfortunately......is a given as is the birthday visit (for mine), mothers day (ruins mine again), and her birthday......

i even get guilt trips to go more often again, but tis more under force then. I 'kind of' prepare myself for these visits.....( normally by hitting alcohol), but can't at the mo as alcohol isn't recommended this early in the day, and it is contra-indicated to the pain killers I am currently on!

sorry for late reply.....busy trying to tidy up before aunty gets here so she has NOT got any ammo for picking on me by failing in my duties as a wife and mother blah blah bloddy blah!!

(bitter, moi????)

thankyou ally

Sound awful. Why don't you just not go? Had a bit of a revelation myself about dreaded visits to family (long story so won't bore you) and finally realised that as a grown woman, I have the right to say who I see and when. And if I don't want to do it, I don't have to.
Ring your aunty and tell her you are not going. You can either be honest, or tell her you are ill - nasty bit of vomming should do the trick.

LOL at nasty bit of vomiting.......feel sick enough anyway so wouldn't really be lying.

nah....will go......urghhhhhhh

just had two very nice friends turn up to calm me down, and now waiting for her to collect me at 11.30!

may keep it in mind for the next proposed visit tho as that is for my b/day an january.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

you gone?

Phsycho, you know you don't have to go don't you . I've only just recently realised this in my own life. We have choices. So if you are going out of fear, obligation or guilt, then these are not the best reasons to be going. If your mother and aunt can't sort their shit out and treat you like a human being for one day, then I honestly would not bother. If you feel sorry for her (guilt), then that is one thing. But again understand that it is quite okay to feel sorry for her and still not go in order to protect yourself. I had to choose between myself or my mother's mental health. I chose my own. I have no more contact.

Just to finish off, if you feel that there will be repercussions if you don't go (fear), then again, it is not a great reason to go, just so she won't flip. She knows she has an illness, and she must understand that even though you love her, you must protect yourself.

What Sakura says Psycho!

Sakura and I are both on the same thread...good sign (or is that a bad sign!) when two of us from the 'stately homes' thread pick up on your posts!

Try this thread first as a warm up (its 'dead' now btw, post on 'stately homes'). You may wish to print but could kill a rainforest...200 pages of A4 at last count.

Please go read! It starts as Pages problem with her mother cutting her out of her life then lots of us start popping up to say we had crap childhoods too...basically abused as children. Myself it was only emotional abuse and emotional neglect. But it affects me to this day. Like I said about your mum, yes she is ill, but that does not make your childhood years acceptable if you were unhappy. You are allowed to have feelings about it all, and tell them to other people. Your mother is not the only one who is allowed to suffer...IYSWIM

And nope, don't go if you don't want to. Drinking alcohol before visiting is quite telling on how stressful this is for you.

Let us know how the visit went...even on the 'stately homes' thread if you feel daring!...just do a brief outline of your childhood if you wish and what happened today. And if you want you can make the first sentance 'I shouldn't really be here probably but'... its a sure sign that you should be there!

Congrats on your pregnancy btw! When are you due?

allyxxx

ally.....not pregnant. wish it was that reason for the not drinking. Nahhhh.....on strong pain meds from the car accident and I can't drink on them without being very very ill. having said that, the lack of drinking is no bad thing!.

TODAY went........

aunty came. her first 'job' was to inpect the loo...........good job I cleaned it eh!!!

anyhoo.....we went, and the first shock was the fact that my stepdad was there(everyone knows I cannot handle himas he abused me terribly as a child).

aunty showed me off, saying who I was, and the clear implication being that I hardly ever go and so they obviously would not recognise me.

luckily mums care worker was very kind and sympathetic....probably due to me muttering about the fact that stepdad was there and I was gonna go hide in the loo! (she said there was no need, there was an office for that!)

MUM is really really bad at the moment. I sat as small as possible and her and aunty bitched and fought and stepdad tried to talk to me......

mum starting grinning insanely showing off her lack of teeth (from when my dad beat her when I was small. another loooooooooooong story best saved for never)

I grew smaller and if I could would have hidden in the office, but aunty was not allowing me to.

care worker spotted my pain and came over to calm the situation, sending mum away for a cigerette.

anyway.....after all that, and food which helped a little, and much coffee which helped a lot, we came away....me laden down with presents for the children and muttering never again.

and get this.......cos AUNTY now states she can't handle her she said she isn't going again after xmas, so she is MY responsibility.

am guessing this is now my chance to run........

flame here now for hugs so will be back later.

thanks all for the sympathy and advice, and yes, am going to read the thread and come seeing as two of you are here.

thanks sakura too

Not got time for long post psycho, just wanted you to know I've read it. Sounds so traumatic...your sd abused you?

Please go to the other threads NOW and have a read, you really really really should be with us.

I'll post again tomorrow hopefully

hugs to you

xxx

Well done for making it through a really hard day today - take care of yourself tonight x

How are you today? Did you manage to sleep last night?

You sound terrified of them all. Its so sad that you go. But it sounds very hopeful that your aunt does not want to go anymore. And why invite your stepdad along as they knew he abused you ?

Please come post on other thread, it makes a world of difference to know your not alone with all this. {{{{hugs}}}}}

I am evil and cruel if you're aunt is no longer going to make you go then don't go ever again. Get on with your life and shelve your Mum.

I truly hope one day you come to terms with your childhood but noone needs that kind of visit 4 x per year.

haven't been too bad today at all....altho the food didn't sit well inside me and had a rather iffy bum....not sure if it is the stress of them all or if I inadvertantly ate someting with milk in it (am very allergic to milk protien. I did have a reaction while there, but I get hives thro stress too, so who knows?).

have spent today wrapping pressies and browsing MN a little......and just been out with a friend for coffee and to buy a baby gift for DS2's godparents who had their baby today. a new little boy called Kian just in time for xmas....and 10 days early so lucky them(and me cos am feeling all broody now!!!)

anyhoo.....am here now and going to go find/read the other threads. may not post tonight but gonna get a feel for it all IYGWIM.

As said previously, you are an adult, with your own life. You don't HAVE to visit people you don't like. Whether they are family or not.

If visiting these people upsets you then you don't have to go. Your mum cannot help her illness, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer it: if she is being properly cared for then there is no need for you to be made upset and ill by having to spend time with her. Next time complain of strategic explosive diarrhoea and stay home

still soooooooooooooo hard tho.

urghhhhhh..........

at least this christmas the visit is done

and mr psycho pointed out that if aunty is certain she isn't going to go back, then how can anyone know if I don't either???

he has a point

and mum can never come find me as she doesn't have my address or telephone number (those were my stipulations as soon as I got married). she only recently found out my married name too, and that was my mistake as I gave her a dvd of the kiddies show and they were listed at the end. not that she has used it as she doesn't know how to IYGWIM!

I just wish I could let go of the guilty feelings.......I am not in the wrong AT ALL, yet I feel guilty for so many things concerning my mum and aunt! (and angry too......oooh, that feels great to say)

ho hum.....at least I know how not to be a mum. can't ruin my kiddies can I?? (altho I am sure they will find some way in which I have traumatised them.....say maybe by giving them veg at every meal and making them tidy there room in case santa thinks they have too much adn so leaves them nothing) (and yes, I did tell them that today. sparkly tidy rooms by bedtime tho)

reading thro the posts on the 'cut my mother' thread (1000 post[shock})..and I have to say that I never ever realised just how many women are affected by a bad childhood/awful mother.

really thought I was alone in this......not one of my RL friends have any issues with their mums. In fact, each and every one of them are very very close.......makes me sooooooooo jealous (not in a bad way, in a 'I so wish I could have that too' knd of way IYGWIM.

at least I have a wonderful husband, and altho she can be a PITA, my MIL is pretty fantastic too.

and a have a wonderful bunch of kiddies too

Why does your auntie have so much power over you Psycho? Your loo doesn't have to be clean enough to meet her standards, you don't have to visit your mum often enough to meet her standards, or do anything to meet her standards or gain her approval in fact. She sounds like an absuive woman and never mind your mother, it sounds like you could do with her out of your life at least.

Well done for getting through the day. My dad has paranoid schizophrenia and there is no way I could have any contact with him whatsoever. Like someone said above, sometimes you have to put your own mental health first. Take care of yourself

thats the thing.....I have no idea.

well, i do....she constantly told me as she was 'bringing me up' that she never asked to have me and that I should be grateful that she did indeed take me in. got loaded with that every day from the time I went to live with her at the age of 18mths

she instilled a great sense of guilt.....probably much like those nuns you hear about with the small convent girls from school (IYGWIM?)

argh.........I so wish that she would leave me alone. I hate it when she comes over....altho to be fair she very very rarley does. but when she does, it is so obvious that she is appraising my house.

I try not to care, but then I still rush around cleaning before she comes, 'just in case'.

why why why?????????