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Original poster

It's not actually a "man thing" is it?

76 replies

Howdoesit · 15/12/2021 06:19

Each year I simmer in resentment around this time of year as all the mental load of Christmas falls to me. And then he has the audacity to tell me it's my "turn" to do elf on the shelf on alternate nights to him.

He hasn't thought of, bought, budgeted, wrapped a single present. He looks bored each time I involve him in a conversation about it. I've sorted out all of the school related Christmas stuff- jumper day, Christmas raffles, cards, teacher presents, returned all the reply slips around school nativities, nativity costumes. But if I try to talk to him about any of this, he's completely disinterested. I feel alone in it all- in all the drowning work of everything.

He was very vocal in arranging a boxing day party for our families, but planning the food and inviting people has all fallen to me. Engaging him in conversation around the planning is an errand in itself too. Visits to see Santa, friend meet ups have all fallen to me. So the one thing I refuse to do is to think or buy for his family. He hasn't even started yet, but that's his problem.

I work for myself so Christmas is a lonely build up for me as there are no office buffets, christmas nights out or drinks in the pub. He seems to just attend event after event, soaking up the good bits of Christmas like a big selfish manchild.

I know as a society, we joke about men's contribution to the Christmas load. I'm seeing memes on social media all the time. But I'm actually learning that it's not a "man thing" at all, it's a "selfish man thing." After speaking to friends, their husbands have been involved in present planning, they have been Christmas shopping with them, some of them have even been Christmas shopping on their own for their kids. Other couples seem so much more of a team than we are, even when the female takes on the bulk of the load.

I'm sharing my observations and am interested in other people sharing their balance. Each year he tells me that he will take more on, but each year, he moans about how busy he is at work and is seemingly unable to juggle anything else. To top it all off, I am able to work from home, so during all of this, I've had my kids at home with me whilst working for days since September as they have picked up every illness going, whilst he just flounces off to work.

Perceptions of his family don't help. I mentioned infront of his mum and sister that he leaves everything to me and I was told it's a "man thing." It's not though, particularly when you then learn that it's FIL who orders the DCs Christmas presents each year and not MIL!!

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 15/12/2021 10:08

You can either carry on as you are or have a serious conversation. Maybe with an email setting out what you’ve done v him. I’d tell him to cancel Boxing Day unless he’s going to tidy up and cater.

Mittenmob · 15/12/2021 10:11

Send a message to all going to boxing Day party that reads "I'm so excited for our boxing day gathering, DH has assured me hes got it all in hand so I'm waiting to see what food he has in store for us"

Then sit back and let him deliveroo it all if he needs to. It's not on you. Let it fail.

Noisyprat · 15/12/2021 10:16

Why do you keep doing all this stuff though? you have a choice or are you scared that it will reflect on you and you don't like that?

I used to be like this, doing everything including clearing up after dinner parties whilst DP swanned off to sport on Sunday morning. In the end, a number of years ago, I decided that I was going to focus on myself and my children. If I want to do something or it is important to my DC, I do it. The downside to this is that we pretty much stopped entertaining (used to have big parties) and whilst I do miss this a bit, I am not a big social person and I was getting very stressed.

That said, I have never bought presents for DPs side of the family, I don't even know when their birthdays are. Guess what - they never get any cards or gifts. However I see this as a reflection of him and his selfishness and not me.

You cannot change your partner however you can change what you do and how you react to how he acts/his requests. My DP mentioned he wanted a party for a milestone birthday, he didn't have one - why? because what he meant was he wanted me to organise, plan and run the whole thing. Sorry but I haven't been shown enough love and respect by him for me to bother with all that.

Why don't you just tell him, today, that you have done everything else for Christmas and he needs to do the party because you don't have time?

Wiredforsound · 15/12/2021 12:28

It’s not a man thing. It’s a twat thing. Just stop. If it’s not in your best interests or your kids interests Stop. Stop doing everything. Go out for your own works Christmas dinner - even if it is just you and a good book or a good friend in the local Chinese - you need to spend an hour or two on yourself. Particularly stop having anything to do with Boxing Day. Just ask him mildly once or twice what he’s planning for lunch - otherwise do NOTHING. If anyone calls to ask about it just say, ‘John is being the host with the most so I’ll pass you over to him/you should drop him a text message or give him a call. My job is to relax and enjoy the day’.

Moonface123 · 15/12/2021 12:58

Men are not stupid, if someone else is willing to do it, they will quite happily let them.
Women do not put up strong enough boundaries in the beginning of a relationship then wonder years down the line where it all went wrong.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/12/2021 12:58

I think a lot of times it's "man thing" not because men aren't able to do any of this stuff but because they're socialised to believe that they don't have to worry about all that trivial stuff, that if there's a woman around she will do it.

I wouldn't put up with being treated like the hired help though and I think it is getting better, women are finally saying no and more men are being brought up to know that marriage is a team effort and the house and kids are not only their wives/mothers responsibility

On a personal level, I would say I buy more of the presents (online only) I genuinely like doing that but he buys for his own family and buys a few bits for the kids too. Christmas food shopping and dinner we both do together

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 15/12/2021 13:07

Why are you arranging the Boxing Day party that he wants?

So it doesn’t happen if you leave it to him? So what? You’re not helping yourself.

Maray1967 · 15/12/2021 13:25

Make it clear right now that he is doing the party.
I think the PP that suggested messaging all the guests and putting it all in him is spot on.
There’s part of a Year in Provence where the British couple could not get the workmen to come and finish the jobs. They invited all the wives/partners to a party to celebrate the end of the work and to see the work their husbands had done. Next day all the workmen reappeared - once the realised they would be embarrassed if they didn’t finish the job properly. Do send out that message and let him get on with it.

honeylulu · 15/12/2021 13:30

Just tell him certain things are for him to do and if he doesn't do them they don't happen. Boxing day party for a start.

I'm my house my husband does Christmas dinner. I've done it twice in 26 years. Sometimes he tries to tell me it's my turn to do it and my response is that in exchange he has to do all the stuff I do. The decorations, nativity plays, all the kids shopping and wrapping, the teacher/childminder gifts, the stockings, the mince pies, Christmas eve and Christmas day suppers, Christmas day breakfast. I even order and pay for the Christmas dinner stuff. Out of that list he gets and wraps presents for me, that's it. When presented with the list he looks horrified and decides he'd rather cook Christmas dinner. The two occasions i cooked Christmas dinner, I ended up with all the other stuff as well! We both work FT by the way.

Original poster

Howdoesit · 15/12/2021 13:51

@bucketsoflove

You're blaming the women in his family for letting him off because it's 'a man thing' and then enabling him to carry on like this. Just stop. Take care of your DC stuff because you care about that but if he's organising a Boxing Day party then let him get on with it. Not a chance in hell I would run around my DH doing the actual necessary stuff and then let him dream up some more work for me while he looks like the big generous man playing host. You are not responsible for taking care of and mopping up after a grown adult. He's meant to be your partner. Make him act like it.

It makes me sad to say it, but I do think that some women- primarily mothers of sons do perpetuate the belief that it's ok for men to be lazy.

I can't say much about FIL as he doesn't condone DHs behaviour like MIL and SIL do. Ironically, he is the one that has to oversee a lot of the domestic work in the home as MIL is pretty lazy.

So no, not ideal to place blame at the door of women at all, but in my case, it is the case that his behaviour is condoned by his female relatives.

OP posts:

DoormatBob · 15/12/2021 14:30

Read with interest. Whilst I don't think I'm one of those men DW may suggest I am! One thing that stands out are the comments about lists and spreadsheets. That assumes that the woman gets to define what Christmas looks like and imposes it on everyone else?

That's where DW and I differ. Christmas would be great if left 100% to me, but it wouldn't be her definition of great!

Things that aren't on my list:

Buying matching shoes for the kids fancy dress outfits for one day.
Book Christmas events for every Saturday and Sunday starting mid November.
Getting Christmas photo shoots for DS/DD to then make cards and send to extended family (I've never exchanged cards with extended family until DW started this).
Buying cards and gifts for colleagues and friends. Is it man thing not to do that? I don't know any men who exchange cards/gifts like that.

The point is, the mental load is DWs own idea of Christmas! I do my share of the regular stuff, buying/writing cards for school kids, kids presents, decorations etc.

ImprobablePuffin · 15/12/2021 15:56

So OP, have you told 'D'H that Boxing Day is all on him yet?

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 15/12/2021 16:10

I expect the OP has done it all already….?

BlingLoving · 15/12/2021 16:25

It is a "man thing" but not a biological man thing. It's about men growing up thinking they're at the top of the pile and that works for them should just magically be accommodated. And for whatever reason, the rest of the world has been agreeing with this for years.

Of course, not all men are like this, but notwithstanding MN always having loads of women who say their men are not like this, in real life, almost every single man I know starts from this as his default point. Many are good men who then realise they are being dicks and make the effort to change and many don't bother.

I do feel strongly you have an opportunity with this Boxing Day event of his. tell him that as you've done all the other christmas planing, you're leaving that one to him. And mean it.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/12/2021 16:37

Buying cards and gifts for colleagues and friends. Is it man thing not to do that? I don't know any men who exchange cards/gifts like that.

I think that's a "your DW thing to do" Christ Christmas is expensive enough having to get family gifts!

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 15/12/2021 16:45

You know he relies on you to do it all, right? He can be vocal about a Boxing Day party because he knows you’ll sort everything. And I imagine you don’t want to let people down? Well, what would happen if you just left him to organise it? Would he be out in the shops on Boxing Day? Because so what if he is? If it doesn’t happen because he didn’t organise it, would he get angry with you? Are you worried about what other people might think.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 15/12/2021 17:36

So no, not ideal to place blame at the door of women at all, but in my case, it is the case that his behaviour is condoned by his female relatives.

Including you.

violetbunny · 15/12/2021 19:31

It's not a man thing, it's a selfish man thing.
What does he actually bring to your life? I'm guessing he's not any less selfish the rest of the year either.

This year, give yourself the best Xmas gift of all - the gift of freedom from a giant manchild who thinks carrying the mental load is beneath him.

BasicDad · 17/12/2021 02:30

I can't stand trying to achieve a 50:50 division of labour. It causes way too much resentment. Works better when BOTH parties try and do as much as they can for each other.

timeisnotaline · 17/12/2021 02:43

Dhs Mum doesn’t think men do this stuff, but I have very little to do with present buying for his side. I plan all the cooking but I give him a lot of orders for the running around getting ready bit! There’s more I’d like him to step up on, and we don’t do elf on the shelf as too much effort, but I have warned him I won’t be reminding him about assembling the big dc presents and I won’t be up late xmas eve covering everything else while he gets around to it. I’d ask him the shopping, prep and food plan for Boxing Day and if he doesn’t have it planned I’d cancel the Boxing Day party in your shoes. He will never learn unless you set your boundaries.

WWTBCD · 17/12/2021 03:13

I started to type that I'm lucky my partner isn't like this but that's terrible isn't it, that I should feel lucky about something that should be the norm.

I make all the gift decisions for my family and friends and he does his.

We share a lot. Meal planning, cooking, shopping. He bakes, he decorated the house.

I just couldn't love or respect someone who didn't respect me or our life enough to do his bit at Christmas or any other time.

Wombat69 · 17/12/2021 06:01

It's all based on shame.

I didn't even realise this until I read Brene Brown. If the stuff isn't done the shame falls on the woman.

There's a really interesting video on YouTube about a study an American Uni did about cluttered homes. They said all the women worried about it, none of the men even mentioned it.

RantyAunty · 17/12/2021 06:28

Sadly, your DH and you are passing it on to your children. Another generation of entitled men and women being skivvy for them

RantyAunty · 17/12/2021 06:31

@Wombat69

It's all based on shame.

I didn't even realise this until I read Brene Brown. If the stuff isn't done the shame falls on the woman.

There's a really interesting video on YouTube about a study an American Uni did about cluttered homes. They said all the women worried about it, none of the men even mentioned it.

I can see this.

If a couple's home is cluttered and messy, the woman will be judged and shamed for it, not the man.

The men have no need to care about it. They believe it's someone else's job to do those things and he won't be judged negatively for it.

Mittenmob · 17/12/2021 09:48

I get the shame thing. My in-laws used to complain about the house not being clean and say "why doesn't she clean it" well, it's because "she" is busy and it wasn't my mess!

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