Husband can’t move past my postnatal depression from first pregnancy

[KD3Mummy]

Hello, this is my first post, so I’m a little nervous. It’s also a long one so I don’t mind if you lose interest midway through…

To start and give this some context I need to mention my parents. Nearly 3 years ago now, my parents who were married/together nearly 40 separated when my dad cheated on and left my mother. It was an utter shock for everyone. At the time I was 4 months into my first pregnancy. My mum leaned on me and my husband A LOT for support. I didn’t mind as I’m the type of person who wants to ‘fix’ everything especially for the ones I love, and I do, I love my mum dearly, we are like best friends. However, it became so much in the end that my mum would go into very personal details about hers and my dad’s relationship, which a daughter shouldn’t know. It also became all we ever spoke about for months on end to the point where I didn’t focus on what was going on with me which was my pregnancy. As a result, I developed postnatal depression, as I don’t bond or connect at all something I still find very hard to accept. For weeks/months on end I couldn’t face walking up to my newborn baby in the middle of the night to feed her, it was too painful and emotionally draining, I then felt like a failure and I was a bad mother, so it spiralled.
My husband at the time was very supportive and I felt incredibly lucky, as he did most of the hard work through the nights, and I still have not forgotten that.
Fast forward a few months and he tells me he has his own form of postnatal depression because those few months where I was utterly useless and on my knees with fear, dread, anxiety, panic, and thoughts of my parents and how that unfolded (it got messy) he tells me that it impacted him so badly he felt like he hasn’t bonded with our daughter. Now, that maybe in a selfish way makes me feel like I can’t have something that’s about me and the focus to be on me, and the reason why I say this is because I’m now 8 weeks pregnant with our second baby and I’m suffering with awful nausea and dizziness, worse than before. For 11 days he’s taken on more around the house, and helping with bedtimes because in the evenings it’s where it hits me the hardest. Anyway, he tells me tonight that he’s worried about the next 7 months and if it (my sickness) will continue and what will happen when the baby is here as he has his own anxiety about the first time around and how he had to do a lot more than he probably imagined he would. I feel so upset by this because I’m really grateful for everything he’s doing to help me, but it feels like I’m almost paying for it or not able to fully try and deal with what’s going on for fear of how he is feeling - am I being unreasonable or selfish? I guess I never fully got over everything that happened in the last 3 years and I’m still trying to process it all but instead of me being able to fully let go and grieve, he tells me that it’s mentally affected him in ways that he still can’t get over too, and so the cycle continues where it feels like it’s almost ‘tit for tat’ on who feels worse.
I just want to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy but it already feels off to a bad start and I’m worried.

I wonder if you'd both benefit from some counselling?

I can both perspectives, tbh. How you're feeling isn't wrong but nor is he to be worried. However much you love someone, its an enormous strain when they are unwell with a mental illness, and that's before you add in 'baby shock'.

The way forward is for you both to be understanding and supportive of each other and acknowledge difficulties on both sides. I also think you should try and line up extra support for both of you when your new baby comes along - both practical and emotional, if possible.

*can see both perspectives

I’m sorry you are going through this. Pregnancy and having small children is tough at the best of times. I would very seriously consider investing in both marriage counselling and individual counselling for both you and him. It’s clear you can’t lean on each other right now, and that’s OK. Our partners are not meant to be our saviours in everything. You are both very much in need of someone to pick up the emotional slack.

Show your husband you understand how bloody hard it was for him when he basically replaced you for those months when you were too sick to take care of your baby. Validate what he did.

I think it's you who is playing the game of 'i had it worse than you' game. You BOTH had it really hard, just in s different way.

You need to enjoy your pregnancy not be worried it could all happen again, as it's more likely to if u think like that.

Appreciate that your DH had it really bad too, as I don't think you are and tell him. You having a really hard doesn't mean he isn't allowed to have one too.

As a pp said, tell your midwife you are worried about it returning and go from there

I think you’ve both been through an incredibly stressful few years, your dh is really within his rights to say how he’s feeling, it’s much better for him to do that than to bottle it all up.

Please just talk calmly to each other about your worries, as others have suggested a few counselling sessions could really help you both.

Neither of you are wrong. You've all been through something difficult and it sounds like you are all loving, caring people who can rely on one another when the chips are down. Keep that up - support one another with what each of you is going through. Pull together as a team, be open about your worries and listen to the other person.

Good luck.

Such good advice here - you both need support outside of the relationship where you can vent, come up with solutions, talk things through. You’ve both had a really hard time and it’s natural to feel unsettled thinking it’s all to come again.

Good advice here, I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss his reaction to having to step up and take over with thr baby and look after you.
Put it this way- the cause of your pnd was your mum unloading on you three years ago; it’s been a while. The cause of his difficulty is your pregnancy and pnd post birth, so he’s afraid of being right in the middle of it again, this is a very real and now fear for him.

You've had some good advice, counselling for both of you sounds ideal. Maybe online?

I can empathise, we had similar but it was my sister we supported and I didn't have pnd but we had a sick baby and I struggled. When I became pregnant again we both worried about how it would all play out. Definitely you need to listen to each other, rather than trying to debate who had/is having the tougher time. This is the real gritty part of a relationship, being able to work together towards a common goal of a functioning family. Having small children battered our relationship but I'd say we're stronger now. Bloody tough though!!

YABU. This has been hard on both of you. He’s entitled to his feelings of anxiety, just like you are more than entitled to yours.

I think you’d benefit from couples therapy to strengthen your relationship before baby 2 arrives.

I don't think you're being very fair to your DH. It sounds like he's doing as much as he can to support you and is equally entitled to be anxious/concerned about the future. You invalidate his feelings by suggesting that yours should take priority and he should basically keep quiet about them. It isn't a competition.

Great advice above OP.

I feel huge empathy for your husband.

I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to see this exciting wonderful time ruined by his in laws marriage and you falling to pieces.

It must have been very scary and painful for him.

Your mother used YOU, whilst pregnant to off load her grief.

A really fxxking selfish thing to do to her daughter, not to mind a pregnant daughter.

I am not one bit surprised your husband hasn't forgotten.

I'm surprised he is even up for having another child.

Your mother was VERY selfish and wrong.

You need to have a good hard think how hard this must have been for HIM.

Seeing his in laws ugly drama destroy his wife's mental health and not bond with his baby.

In his place he must have felt fury and powerlessness.

I 100% think counselling is a good idea.

I also think a little compassion towards your husband who has every right not to have moved on from this bomb that was dropped into his life from your parents drama.

Is your mother hugely involved in your family?

How does he feel about that?

Expecting him to have just gotten over it is a bit much to expect.

It doesn't read to me as if you really get what HE went though.

You say you love your mum dearly and are like best friends, but she treated you appallingly in a very special and important time in your life. Your DH was the one that had your back, not your dreadful selfish mother and I don't think you should forget that.

I think the 2 of you need to communicate with love and support and let him offload his sadness and resentment at your last pregnancy without taking it as a personal attack, because I don't think it is. Be kind to each other - and keep a healthy distance from your mother.

You've both had a shit time, he needs to know that you recognise that he also went through a lot. I think while you want to be there for your mother, it can't be at the absolute expense of your own little family, who it seems are barely coping.

Thinking about practicalities, can you afford to pay a doula, maternity nurse or night nanny so you both get a break. I’ve found doulas brilliant as a support to enable a parent to parent, whereas I’ve found with a maternity nurse try tend to be a bit more routine focussed etc and take the baby off to give you a break. A night nanny makes sure you get more sleep!

How are things with your mum now? I really think you need to get counselling about this relationship and draw up some boundaries. Think of it from his perspective: his in laws' marriage problem torpedoed having his first child and made years of his life immeasurably hard. That shouldn't have happened and it can't happen again. I think he's a bit made to have another child without this all being sorted out. Your mum could tell the effect she was having on your family. Being cheated on and left is awful, but your whole family nearly fell apart because of this. That's not right

"I guess I never fully got over everything that happened in the last 3 years and I’m still trying to process it all"

And surely the same for your husband?

Thanks for your responses.

I have had counselling as part of PND and he is also currently having counselling for himself now too for other things.

I may not have come across in the right way, but I was and am still incredibly grateful to him for what he has done for me and our family. However, I do now feel a massive pressure to not let things go the same way as before, and that pressure only feels worse when you feel like you are being reminded of it. It’s something I regret every single day and I live with guilt that I let him and my little girl down, but it was something out of my control.

With that I will say that words can be quite cutting when the subject is postnatal depression and depression. I think what I was hoping for was compassion for all points of view.

@KD3Mummy

Thanks for your responses.

I have had counselling as part of PND and he is also currently having counselling for himself now too for other things.

I may not have come across in the right way, but I was and am still incredibly grateful to him for what he has done for me and our family. However, I do now feel a massive pressure to not let things go the same way as before, and that pressure only feels worse when you feel like you are being reminded of it. It’s something I regret every single day and I live with guilt that I let him and my little girl down, but it was something out of my control.

With that I will say that words can be quite cutting when the subject is postnatal depression and depression. I think what I was hoping for was compassion for all points of view.

I think people do feel a lot of compassion, and it sounds like your husband does too. It's just all very much how this has affected you, and what your husband is trying to stress is that he isn't ok, he can't do this again.

Reading between the lines a bit here: how often do you see your mother now? How often does she come up in conversation? Is she a continuing threat to your family? Maybe this is what he is trying to say...

I think FIL might have had a lucky escape if his wife reckoned leaning on her pregnant daughter and filling her with worry was in any appropriate...

I think your DH might feel more reassured to know you would have better boundaries this time around and acknowledge that it was your lack of poor boundaries that got you both in this mess the first time around.

You are getting compassion OP. Just not one sided compassion. I think everyone can see that you are both caring, loving and adult about life but you had a really shit time. It doesn't mean it has to be shit this time, particularly as hopefully your mother isn't involved. Or can she pay back by being practically useful to you?
You need to talk openly, you seem to listen openly, you need to see where the other is coming from and work out how to share loads. You really should be able to.

I must be coming across in the sense that I’m not open to listening to him, that’s not the case we talk a lot about it all regularly, it’s very difficult to try and explain in a few paragraphs of text.

My mum is still involved in our lives, and it’s much better than 3 years ago.

@Deisogn poor boundaries? That’s hurtful. Honestly, I think if you could see how upsetting that is when you have no idea what happened you might think again about being so abrupt and nasty.

KD3 you sound really upset, I hope you’re ok but MOST people here are trying to help. You sound really defensive and that’s quite normal when you’ve had such a horrible experience. However it really does sound like you need some more counselling.
Your Dh just expressing that he is worried something may happen again should not have this affect on you.

@KD3Mummy

I must be coming across in the sense that I’m not open to listening to him, that’s not the case we talk a lot about it all regularly, it’s very difficult to try and explain in a few paragraphs of text.

My mum is still involved in our lives, and it’s much better than 3 years ago.

@Deisogn poor boundaries? That’s hurtful. Honestly, I think if you could see how upsetting that is when you have no idea what happened you might think again about being so abrupt and nasty.

It's clear this is all really upsetting for you and I don't think anyone here is trying to make you feel worse. However you have children and a husband now, they need to come ahead of pandering to your mother. Her marriage problems and the lack of boundaries she has with you should NOT being have such a major negative impact on your little family. @Deisogn is correct that boundaries were just not there when this all blew up, if they were your parents' issues would have been a sidebar in your life, considerably less important than your child.

As I expected, your mother is still heavily involved and it sounds like you still don't recognise that boundaries were crossed. In which case he is right to be concerned, because when she says 'jump' you'll leave him solely responsible for the family. It sounds like you need some relationship therapy to learn how to block your mother from affecting your family.

Hi OP, as well as the counselling suggested, could the two of you sit down together and make a plan for the future? Can you discuss how you will divide things up and maybe think about the triggers and signs for when you are starting to feel low, out of control etc and then decide together what you do if it gets to that? I found having babies difficult but with my second I felt more in control if I had a plan for what I would do to make it easier.

Can you agree together that you will start afresh (both letting go of resentment and who did more and why etc) and focus on the future?