Husband can’t move past my postnatal depression from first pregnancy

[KD3Mummy]

Hello, this is my first post, so I’m a little nervous. It’s also a long one so I don’t mind if you lose interest midway through…

To start and give this some context I need to mention my parents. Nearly 3 years ago now, my parents who were married/together nearly 40 separated when my dad cheated on and left my mother. It was an utter shock for everyone. At the time I was 4 months into my first pregnancy. My mum leaned on me and my husband A LOT for support. I didn’t mind as I’m the type of person who wants to ‘fix’ everything especially for the ones I love, and I do, I love my mum dearly, we are like best friends. However, it became so much in the end that my mum would go into very personal details about hers and my dad’s relationship, which a daughter shouldn’t know. It also became all we ever spoke about for months on end to the point where I didn’t focus on what was going on with me which was my pregnancy. As a result, I developed postnatal depression, as I don’t bond or connect at all something I still find very hard to accept. For weeks/months on end I couldn’t face walking up to my newborn baby in the middle of the night to feed her, it was too painful and emotionally draining, I then felt like a failure and I was a bad mother, so it spiralled.
My husband at the time was very supportive and I felt incredibly lucky, as he did most of the hard work through the nights, and I still have not forgotten that.
Fast forward a few months and he tells me he has his own form of postnatal depression because those few months where I was utterly useless and on my knees with fear, dread, anxiety, panic, and thoughts of my parents and how that unfolded (it got messy) he tells me that it impacted him so badly he felt like he hasn’t bonded with our daughter. Now, that maybe in a selfish way makes me feel like I can’t have something that’s about me and the focus to be on me, and the reason why I say this is because I’m now 8 weeks pregnant with our second baby and I’m suffering with awful nausea and dizziness, worse than before. For 11 days he’s taken on more around the house, and helping with bedtimes because in the evenings it’s where it hits me the hardest. Anyway, he tells me tonight that he’s worried about the next 7 months and if it (my sickness) will continue and what will happen when the baby is here as he has his own anxiety about the first time around and how he had to do a lot more than he probably imagined he would. I feel so upset by this because I’m really grateful for everything he’s doing to help me, but it feels like I’m almost paying for it or not able to fully try and deal with what’s going on for fear of how he is feeling - am I being unreasonable or selfish? I guess I never fully got over everything that happened in the last 3 years and I’m still trying to process it all but instead of me being able to fully let go and grieve, he tells me that it’s mentally affected him in ways that he still can’t get over too, and so the cycle continues where it feels like it’s almost ‘tit for tat’ on who feels worse.
I just want to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy but it already feels off to a bad start and I’m worried.

You were ill that’s all no need to feel guilty. If you broke both legs and were unable deal baby in night would you have felt same guilt?
I get that him reminding you how awful it was for him doesn’t help the situation now. You need to feel if PnD raises its ugly head that he will have your back. There is something on that he’s traumatised from doing all work he will expect you to just get on with without any thanks. I would want to discuss that more. Heaven forbid something happens to you of course you want to feel he’s up to the job.

It’s ok for you both feel upset after the experience and it’s good you had counselling but it’s not helpful go into pregnancy and constantly talking about how your dreading if it happens again. How does that settle any nerves? Is he saying he’s happy walk away if it happens again and leave you on your own?

Once you both discussed past feelings you need to find way forward you can’t spend next year dreading everyday in case it’s similar to last time that’s no way start life with new baby. That’s enough make you depressed already

So you’re blaming your mother for your pnd, but saying he shouldn’t blame you for his anxiety?

You are receiving compassion, just not one-sided validation. You still seem destabilised and defensive about the whole process, which is completely understandable, but your husband really is not being unreasonable here. I’d look into going LC with your mother and working on boundaries with her.

Apart from counselling for your PND what treatment did you receive? Are you in touch with your local MH services and working on a plan with them/GP/midwives to try to reduce the possibility of becoming ill again with this baby?

You and your husband have both been badly affected, and it is good that he is able to verbalise how hard it has been for him, and absolutely understandable that he is afraid of a repeat - not just for his own sake but for yours and the children.

However, what has happened in the past shouldn't be casting such a shadow over you both, and you both need to look to the future and start planning how you will deal with possible PND.

It is a good thing that he has been able to open up and talk to you about his experiences and worries. You've both had a very hard start to parenthood.

I suspect you haven't been able to have the same conversation with your mother about the pressures you were put under by her. So you feel like you are at the centre of it all.

The priority now has to be how you tackle the next few months. Ongoing openness will be really valuable for both you and your husband but without blame. Be careful to check your inner voice - what you perceive to be accusations may well just be fears for the future.

Joint counselling & a plan with your GP to combat PND early should be a good start.

I had postnatal depression - should I be blamed?

@PoshPyjamas I had postnatal depression - should I be blamed?

No, you absolutely shouldn’t be blamed for it.

But it wasn’t your mum’s fault (although I agree with everyone that she treated you awfully) and it’s not your husband’s fault either.

You are clearly massively upset by the whole thing. But, ultimately, if you play “who was life worse for” top trumps, no one will win.

@KD3Mummy

I had postnatal depression - should I be blamed?

If this is how your conversations are with your husband, then it's clear why you are having communication issues over this. Literally nobody on this thread has had any issue with your having PND or had anything but sympathy for you.

However you say it was due to your mother--who is clearly a source of drama, lacks any boundaries and dumps issues on you. You can't keep putting her ahead of your family. It's clear from your later post that you're still letting yourself get dragged into her issues.

This is about the future, not the past: what's going to happen next time she has issues? Will you have the boundaries to say that you love her and are there for her, but you have to put your children first? Or will you let her dump everything on you so you check out of family life, leave all responsibility to your husband and deny the children their mother?

Have you heard of enmeshed relationships? Parents who are enmeshed with their children dont have healthy boundaries, and so can't teach their children to have them. They are too involved with their childrens lives even into adulthood, and overshare.
Its very difficult for children of enmeshed parents to recognise the issue, or break free. They may feel as if any criticism of the relationship or the parent is a personal attack on them.

It sounds as if your mother is in an enmeshed relationship with you. It would be worth having counselling to explore this; as one side effect is it will create problems with your relationship with your husband.

The second issue is that he is trying to talk to you about his fears, but all you can hear is criticism and an attempt to place blame. Again, couples therapy would be a good idea to help you both communicate.

It might be difficult for you to hear the advice you have had on this thread. Try not to react straight away, read the thread again in 3 or 4 days time and see if you feel any differently.

I had PND. As hard as it was to hear it my PND had a ripple effect on my husband. It's not about apportioning blame (any more than you would if you'd had a physical illness) but acknowledging you both had a hard time and making the best plan you can for your future.

It's not about apportioning blame (any more than you would if you'd had a physical illness) but acknowledging you both had a hard time and making the best plan you can for your future.

Agreed, you need to take care to nurture each other going forward.

Op, you've admitted you still feel terribly guilty which, although understandable, isn't right. You were unwell, you have reason to feel guilty. I wonder if you're sensitive to the thought of blame because you blame yourself? This leads me back to my earlier comment that I think you'll benefit from further counselling.

You need to forgive yourself.

you have no* reason to feel guilty!

Sorry unfortunate typo!

I was in you DH's position during my pregnancy and birth. My husband was consumed with his family drama and it left nothing for our family.

I am angry that this special time in our life was highjacked by his parents theatrics. I am angry that he allowed it to be, instead of setting boundaries on it and prioritising the family we were building.

Google enmeshed families and see if anything resonates for you.

You can reassure your DH it won't happen again by showing you have learned from what happened

And no you shouldn't be 'blamed' for having PND, and I don't think that's a helpful way to think of it.

A PND diagnosis doesn't mean you shouldn't be mindful of the impact that had on DH, or that you don't have a responsibility to your family to be as well as you can for the next baby, or that you don't need to look at the factors that led to the PND.

If your husband is trying to talk to you about his feelings and he's being met with a 'well I had PND' kind of brick wall then he might stop trying to talk to you about his feelings and experiences. Which is the last thing you want.

What can you say to reassure him that you hear his concerns and you're putting yourself in a better position this time round?

OP was this an unexpected pregnancy? It seems like it would have been sensible to have tackled these feelings prior to embarking upon another pregnancy. However, you are where you are now and can only move forward.

It's clear both you and your husband suffered a lot and have issues you need to work through, possibly both together and separately. I echo the advice of PPs that couple's counselling may be the best way forward so you can both work through your issues and voice your worries/concerns/assurances in a safe environment with professional support.

@KD3Mummy I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant with twins due in March, our first children.
My husband is very VERY anxious about me getting any sort of PND, despite me having robust mental health and generally coping with anything life has thrown at us so far. I put this down to him having a very mentally unwell ex before me, he was essentially her carer by the end and he’s been a bit scarred by that I think.
We are also having huge amounts of work done to the house and the chances of us having no kitchen when the twins come is quite high. We are currently living in two rooms with all our things, a dog and seven puppies so life is not straightforward. He also works away most weeks which leaves all the day to day things to me.

Whatever happened before, being in a partnership you have to try to help him feel better so you can both enjoy this pregnancy.
What has helped my husband to feel less anxious is the following:
We consciously have a check in every Saturday, where we sit down and talk honestly about how we’re both doing, what’s stressing us out, then talk about how we can make it better with the limited resources we have at the moment.
If I’m finding something hard, I say.
Getting into this habit before the babies come will hopefully mean that any problems can be noticed early, before they snowball.

Hello,

Yesterday was a difficult day and I suppose I wasn’t ready to read the responses. I can finally write with less tears and more level headed.

I told my husband about this post and the responses I have had and he was very good about it. He actually said he felt awful for what he said to me a couple of nights ago when he knows it’s something I’m worried about, I can’t help it, I know I shouldn’t live in fear but when you’ve already been through it and you know how awful it is, you can’t help but feel concerned it could happen again. Maybe I am paranoid, but I’ll let myself off for that as I have/we have really been through it. I did tell him he shouldn’t feel bad, as it’s how he’s feeling and it’s valid, the same as how I’m feeling is valid too. I have also many many times over the past year tried to help him where I can, to make him feel secure, but what has happened has happened, and actually I’ll always have to live with it.

Couples counselling I have suggested in the past but he’s not keen, so I’ll suggest it again at another point and hopefully we can get something in to discuss our miscommunication.

I think probably one of the key things to highlight as it comes across in a few responses as if we are a broken couple and our marriage is on the rocks, or we are ‘mad’ to have another baby. We’ve been together 10 years and have gone through so many ups and downs which as has made us a strong couple, believe it or not. We disagree on things and have different points of view on subjects but that’s ok, as most couples do and we are also our own people. I love him dearly, I know I’m lucky to have someone who is understanding, but that has also been shown back to my husband from myself over the years.

I don’t regret being there for my mum when she felt like she had nobody, but I do regret the level it got too, but when your living it each day and you are worried for your parent, you will do what you can to help. I have told her and my dad in the past and at the time how angry I was at how they both behaved especially as I was pregnant for the first time. I totally echo and reciprocate what many of you have said about how it was selfish and ruined my husbands first experience of being a father, but it also ruined mine too.

I just want to say, again with reference to us having another baby, we are both very excited about our new addition to be, as it will complete our little family. We’ve been through so much, especially this past year with redundancy and a cancer scare, so the fear for me of PND coming back is more to do with future concerns than previous ones. The situation with my parents has improved drastically from 3 years ago, thank god, but yes it was very very very distressing for all involved.

You first of all need to put proper boundaries in place in relation to your parents, especially your mother. Otherwise it's not just their marriage that's been affected, it's going to unfairly end up destroying YOUR marriage. If proper boundaries were in place none of this would have got so bad for you and your husband.

Unfortunately some mothers inappropriately lean on their kids for emotional support when their marriage breaks up (I actually had this experience myself with my own mum and I'm also a very empathetic person who felt sorry for her, so wasn't strict at the time with boundaries). I don't think they deliberately mean to be selfish but it actually is selfish, especially as you were pregnant OP and that needed to be your priority and there are better and more appropriate ways she can get deeper emotional suport. They take advantage of the fact that you don't have normal boundaries in place .
@KD3Mummy Does your mum have any close friends or family she can confide in? My mum didn't because she was a very private person and instead used me as a person to offload her problems onto without caring about the repercussions on me, including like you said, saying things a daughter shouldn't hear.

Many years doen the line she's still bitter and gets triggered by small things yet refuses counselling but selfishly wants to ruin the atmosphere by launching into a rant about my dad (who did indeed treat her badly).

Now every time she starts doing this, I stop her to briefly acknowledge her feelings without commenting on my dad (despite whatever the truth is) but firmly tell her she needs get some counselling and I can signpost her to counsellors. I refuse to engage anymore with it. After a couple of times she gets the idea. I recommend you start doing this OP.